Hello. I am looking for suggestions from caregivers who may have experience with parents/loved ones who have dementia and/or short-term memory loss, and have become verbally aggressive or resentful of assistance. My mother has these behaviors. She is a mental shell of who she was or knew her to be, but still physically healthy, and 83 years old. She still lives in her home, alone, mows her yard, and drives. We are assessing/creating a plan to stop her from driving. We took away my father's keys before he went into memory care, so we have experienced this before. It's not pretty.My mother refuses help of any kind; Assisted Living or Memory Care. She could go to either. We, fortunately, have the funds/long-term care insurance available. She would likely need some kind of Nursing Home care, where they could manage her outbursts. I don't know of any places that can handle this near her. There are no resources in her mid-sized city, including no Area on Aging. She refuses to move from her home and would likely need to be transported by ambulance/law enforcement to a nursing home, likely with sedation, which is heartbreaking to even imagine. 💔My mother has alienated my brother with her verbal abuse. He lives in her town and has Power of Attorney. I live two states away. He has been managing all of her finances for the last five years, and other assistance in her home, when she is not verbally harassing him and his wife. She is hateful and says she never asked for their help, even though she agreed to it and went to the bank and signed POA papers three years ago. She has no memory of doing this.My main question is how to deal with people who are sometimes lucid and other times completely forgetful. She cannot keep track of ANY details. When we give things to her in writing, she loses the paper, or denies knowing about it. Sometimes she really can't remember and has lost the paper. She is skillful at denial and deflection; vulnerable and scared of her memory loss. It must truly be hard to be her. Likewise, she refuses any kind of in-home help, although she needs help with her physical care and housework. My brother set up in-home health and she refused to open the door. I have done lots of research about Alzheimer's, and behavioral issues related to dementia. She fits most of them, but with a twist of meaness thrown in.My mother refuses to go to the doctor and be evaluated. I'm sure she knows she would not pass a memory test now, though she has in recent years, which absolutely dumbfounds we kids, Including her daughter-in-law, who is a physician.In public, her inability to be socially appropriate and her lack of a filter are mortifying.Any new or helpful ideas would be much appreciated. We are just at a complete loss as to how to deal with her. Thank you.
The POA has to get her placed against her will in Memory Care Assisted Living. He needs to understand her mind is shot, not take anything personally, and approach this matter as a job to do. Call moms doctor to explain the dire circumstances and see if s/he will prescribe Ativan to calm her down. Then an ambulance (non emergent) can get her over to the Memory Care Assisted Living facility that's been arranged beforehand. Moms suite should be all set up for her with her things from home for familiarity.
If you've done all this reading about dementia and moms DIL is a physician, how is it none of you understand the mechanisms OF dementia, the personality changes the meanness, the stubbornness, the refusal to see doctors, etc? And that ALL elders afflicted with dementia are sometimes lucid. Nobody is 100% out of it 100% of the time, unless they are at the end of life stage of dementia and unable to speak or swallow food. Your mother is not "healthy" in any way, shape or form, and requires 24/7 care regardless if she wants it or not. Sedating or calming down an elder with dementia is not a heartbreaking thing, it's a necessity to keep them comfortable. It's cruel NOT to help them by giving them calming meds, in fact. My mother did very well with .5 mg of Ativan, as I mentioned above. She was terribly agitated w/o it, and that was worse to see than her calmer and more relaxed due to meds. She also took max dose Wellbutrin for depression which many demented elders suffer from. It kind of takes the edge off a bit.
If you don't want to go the route of the POA ambulating her into Memory Care Assisted Living for whatever reason, call APS and report a vulnerable elder with dementia living alone. If they determine she's unsafe, THEY will have her placed. One way or another, she can't live alone. Do this AFTER the CAR has been removed from the property.
Wishing you and your brother the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I got her into care when she tried to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and kids, and she refused to share me. EMS and the police took her to the hospital.
She is now bedridden (refused to move a muscle ever again - she was angry) but kicks, hits and bites when she doesn’t get her way. I have her in a local small (10) retirement home ($$$) where the staff is nearly 1:1. They use calming meds but are going to increase the dosage, try a different med or send her to psych at the hospital.
I’m relieved that she is bed-bound because she was tougher to place when she was mobile. A local social worker (I don’t know your area’s facilities) or her DIL might know who would take her. Dementia + ambulatory = locked unit.
Try to involve her doctor. Maybe her Dr is required to see her for a prescription renewal or insurance update or client list confirmation. You’ll have to get crafty to trick her into going.
But you still need to take the car away or like already said disable it .
Memory care would be better suited to deal with your mother , than regular assisted living .
POA needs to step up .