My mom's stroke was in April 2022. She's now paralyzed on the left side with no 'return' of movement at all in the hand/arm. Little return in the leg so she can do transfers in/out of bed but that's it-all ADLs (except eating) require a 1 person assist basically. She's been in rehab 5 days a week since April - the rehab staff in the nursing home will discontinue all therapy (PT/OT) and give her the news of this in a few days as there hasn't been much improvement.
Our entire family is MIA (just a lot of dysfunction) so it is totally just she and I. She's in a nursing home right now which she is not adjusting to well at all (she lost her house weeks before the stroke).
I am desperate for tips on how to support her better as I feel I'm failing. I visit her several times a week, bring her supplies (blankets, clothes, shoes, incontinence pads and briefs, tissues, sanitizer, soap, hair products, etc etc), food/treats, take her out once a week, hire an agency to take her out once a week as well (which is getting to be 'very' expensive). The issue is this: If I ask her if she needs help with something while say for instance, we're doing a bed bath, she'll say "I guess I thought you had enough sense to be able to just KNOW". If I don't ask, and I just 'do', she'll say "I can do that!" and she'll get agitated saying I'm trying to be in control of everything. If I don't do anything, then she tells me she "knows I'm not taking any initiative to help her because I don't want to help her and I want to see her suffer and she doesn't know why I'm there since I have no intention of helping.
We didn't get along that well pre-stroke. I'm considering bringing her home to live with me once her disability check comes through. But I feel like we need counseling because we argue SO much now and it takes a toll on me seeing her in the physical and mental state she's in, then on top of all of that her speaking to me in the ways I mentioned above-although I'm the only one here/supporting I feel like I just.can't.do.anything.RIGHT.
I know part of this is mental illness which existed pre-stroke playing a role (pre-existing bi-polar/depression/anxiety/PTSD from major trauma/hoarding/OCD which has never been treated).
Tips? Is there really anything I can do better or do I simply need to adjust my expectations that my mom will practically never be able to healthily adjust to her condition (at least to the point of not being SO argumentative all of the time with me)? I just don't know I can take her in and continue working while dealing with so many of the personality/relationship issues on top of what's needed to just provided daily care for her as a stroke survivor.
I really could use any/all advice/insight.
Please speak with the facility and tell them she has no place to go and she doesn't have anyone to help her. She is an unsafe discharge and needs to apply for long term Medicaid.
She will devour you, your heart, spirit and soul. She is showing you now what it will be like. Nothing you do is enough for her, everything you do is wrong, everything you don't do is wrong, please DO NOT make that your reality 24/7/365 for years, maybe decades. My grandmother lived for 12 years after her stroke, your mom is younger then she was so your mom could live longer.
As hard as it is to place her, it will be a thousand times worse if you try and be her caregiver in your home. Shut your ears when she starts in on you for NOT taking her in. What she wants you to do for her doesn't matter. She needs a village and you know she will get ugly, hateful, nasty and vile when she finds out she doesn't get to suck your life force and devour you, be prepared to hang up or walk away when she starts in.
I am freaking out with the thought you will give this a try. Please do not, you matter, please don't give her the opportunity to destroy you by bringing her home, please!
To add, she can not be left alone, ever. She can't get herself to safety and that means you could get in trouble for leaving her alone. That in itself should be your eye opener that you can't take her care on. She needs 24/7 supervision and that means a facility, period.
What is best for her is to have a whole village to take care of her and a daughter that comes to visit regularly, whether that is 1x a week or 1x a month or whatever you can realistically manage, I am sure that all depends on her treatment of you. She doesn't get a free pass to abuse you in any way, shape or form because she had a stroke or is mentally ill. No excuse for abuse, ever!
Get with the social worker at her facility today and find her a facility that will take her Medicaid pending.
You do not have to find the perfect facility, you can always move her in the future if the first place doesn't work out.
Post stroke, your mother's abilities are likely to fluctuate according to mood and energy and pain levels on any given day, and that's even before you factor in pre-existing mental health issues.
I can't honestly see how it would be a good idea to place yourself in a situation you can't step away from.
DO NOT bring her into your home! You would become a total, 24/7 slave to her misery and you can do nothing to alleviate the deeply entrenched web of depression that is her bipolar depressive / deeper depression and other diagnoses.
I would ask you to please read the list of supplies that is provided by the facility and stop bringing her the things that are already part of her care costs there. OK, she likes a certain type of pullups, but the ones they provide are just fine. Instead of bringing her an endless list of basic care supplies, stick to her favorite shampoo, soap and lotion, nothing more. Instead, send her a monthly bouquet of flowers with the money you save. I hope you're not paying out of your pocket for the agency, that should be coming from her estate funds.
Please learn about the NPD and depressive personality and begin to extricate your emotions from the quagmire that is hers alone. She is working hard to bring you down to her level of misery and you're not seeing it. Counseling is in order for you so that you can begin to give yourself permission to live your life.
Please stop dancing to her twisted tune and stop visiting her so much. tell her that the visits only seem to make her more unhappy and it's dragging you down; you have your own life to live.
My Mom, has similar diagnoses with added advancing dementia and I could never live with that illness while caring for her. Mine tries very hard to hide her pain, but I love her so deeply and understand her so well that we've a common language. By my stepping back, she's been able to establish some supportive relationships at the MC unit and I know that she's doing as well as can be expected. My Mom is not an NPD, she has a heart of gold and is kind. Even with that, I could not have her living with me and my family.
PLEASE do not bring her home and lose what is left of your own life. Please begin to limit this miserable contact and endless criticism. Give yourself permission to be happy.
My mom lost her house a few weeks before the stroke. She was squatting in a home she once owned, but she had foreclosed on over 3 years prior and never told me. She'd been essentially living in a house she no longer owned for years in hoarded conditions..it didn't even have running water for over a decade (let that sink in).
She hadn't had a job in years and she blew all the money she got in recent years giving it to others (i.e., church/friends/family birthdays, tipping McDonalds staff), buying gifts for others and shopping for items to hoard at the Dollar Tree. She never made much more than minimum wage but I will tell you that despite all of the things above, she worked a hard physical labor job to keep a roof over my and my sibling's head and food on the table - her mental issues only deteriorated once both I and my brother were officially out of the house. She went 'downhill' every year after that. By the time of the stroke, she had no house, no job, no retirement or income or savings or pension or any kind of insurance whatsoever. She's currently part of a charity program that's paying for her bed in the SNF until Medicaid kicks in.
Now, I was in counseling off and on for years but I stopped it a few months ago so that I could start paying for her agency care.
I am well versed now in NPD (if by NPD you mean narcissistic personality disorder??). I found out about it after I realized her sister (my aunt) has it. My mother was temporarily living in my aunt's house when she had the stroke - my aunt is a NURSE of 30+ years and when my mother exhibited stroke symptoms (my mom's face suddenly fell), the aunt with NPD had her do a 'stroke scale' at her home and because she 'hopped on both legs ok' she didn't take her to the hospital. My family is a mess. But I want to make it clear that my mother has never actually even asked to come home with me. I know she doesn't want to be a burden. But she is 63 and from what I'm seeing based on the condition of the nursing home she would fare so much better at home and potentially have many more years of a much better life than she'd have in the current place she's in.
Let me also be clear though that it's not 100% she will come home with me. I think that she can't unless we have a full-time caregiver in the home with us. I am currently investigating costs for this because right now its much less expensive than paying for hourly agency care daily. I'm even looking into moving us abroad where I've already gotten quotes on 24-hour live-in care in another country that her disability check would likely cover almost 100% of. I'm not taking this decision lightly whatsoever, else I would have pulled her out of the nursing home already. Right now, best case scenario is she just gets moved to another, nicer SNF closer to me next year actually.
Anywho, my original question was asking for advice on the relational aspect of things. Now that I'm in the caregiver role my mother 'seems' to see me as 'the enemy' and argues with me..but with no one else. Literally. So I was asking for advice on how to improve our communications and interactions. Another poster mentioned that there is no room from improvement because her brain is broken...maybe that is indeed the answer to all of this. So then how do I improve? Is it a matter of 'finding a way' to ignore everything nasty that gets said to me? Limiting interactions? I was looking for advice for people who've gone through this type of thing on how to deal. I see that you mention just limiting contact. So..maybe I indeed just have to step away from it all. Sigh
So she was placed in Assisted Living, then segued into Memory Care AL where teams of people were working 24/7 to accommodate her varied needs. Not one tired, burned out "Bad Guy" (ME) who thought she was Superwoman and could Change this Woman From A Tiger Into A Lamb. Not happenin'. Reality check 101.
That's my advice, insight, which addresses your question "asking for advice on dealing with the relational aspect of what is going on for she and I right now. I don't quite understand it and I don't know what to do about it." Strokes change a person's brain into an illogical one that tends to argue EVERY single thing in life and turn even a decent relationship into a confrontational nightmare. It's a situation best left to a village to manage rather than one person such as yourself thinking you have the power to change her. You don't. Nobody does. It's how her brain works (or doesn't work) these days. Sad but true.
Best of luck.
Well I guess this is the cold hard truth I was looking for..
That there is literally nothing I can do..?
:(
Although I will admit she does not argue with anyone else but me. So I was thinking I am the 'bad guy' because she sees me as the person who put her in the nursing home (she's even said this). Even her close friend said she has never seen her argue with/interact with/treat anyone else the way she treats me since the stroke occurred. So I was thinking there's something in our relationship to work out - I just don't know what her problem is with me now. And it's not just me who has noticed it's 'only me' she acts this way around. But if you think it's a broken brain that's the real issue and nothing can be done..I get it. It's just confusing why her broken brain rationally only selects me to be 'broken with'.
Oh well.
It will not fix anything.
Why are you even entertaining the thought of her living with you? What do you think it will accomplish? Would it make you feel less guilty or like a good daughter?
Counseling will not help. That is too much to ask of her. It would be like expecting a toddler to do multiplication tables. Her brain is damaged.
My original question was not about where she is going to live. I want to know what I can do to improve our communication and interactions because as I stated in the original post, it is not going well in that department. That is where I am seeking advice/support.
Be realistic -- this plan of taking her in is NOT going to work, nor will family counseling work when your mother is brain-damaged from a stroke on top of existing mental illness.
Caring for your mom means doing what's best for her, and that means finding nursing home placement with Medicaid, not taking her home with you. You would be doing the BEST thing for her by ensuring she has 24/7 care in a nursing home, so don't let her guilt you into thinking otherwise.
She barged right into the bathroom, without knocking. She NEVER did that before. Then, argued, illogically, why it was perfectly fine to do so.
She didn’t shower. Argued that. This, from the woman who was so very upset when my grandpa refused to shower, 20 years previously.
I could go on and on.
Like in your situation, the arguments didn’t even make sense.
That’s because your mom’s brain is broken.
Even attempting to figure out a way to reason with her won’t make a difference.
My only suggestion would be to try and save your sanity. Limit your visits. Make them shorter. Leave when your mom gets nasty with you. Not to teach her something (she can’t learn at this point. ), but to give YOUR brain a break.
Ok, enough of the rant. Just wanted to emphasize that I 'do' go less than I used to. I also go for shorter visits (I used to stay 3-6 hours 'most' visits) but now only stay that long if I'm taking her out once a week or once bi-weekly.
I am sorry about what happened with your mom. I really am. Dementia sucks and it is so devastating. I have been reading up on it and I'm now so scared my mom has or will get it due to the stroke. Part of me wants to bring her home to try to have 'some good years' left/together in case she goes down that dementia path sooner rather than later (I pray not though). I admit/recognize I am romanticizing the possibility of us working to achieve a semi-healthy life together (albeit difficult for both of us due to her condition). I have not moved her in yet because I am constantly assessing how we are getting along, what she is capable of doing, the cost of care, what she needs, what I want/need, all housing options available to her, what we would need to do in order to get along better (if possible), what resources are there for me to make a home safe/livable for her, on and on etc etc etc. Clearly I haven't made the 'ultimate' or final decision that it's even doable else (again) I would have already brought her home.
No one is a mind reader and your mother needs to be made to understand this. Tell her plainly but kindly, that she will have to find ways to redirect her anger away from you otherwise you will stop trying to help her and will cut her out of your life completely. She must also tell you what she needs and when she can do something without assistance.
Under no circumstances should thw two of you live together. That possibility needs to be taken off the table immediately. DO NOT get talked into it and do not think that her disability check coming in will make that arrangement beneficial to either one of you.
When you are visiting your mother and she starts lashing out at you, end the visit and leave. If she does this on the phone with you do the same. End the call.
This is what's will be best for both of you. Your mom should also be getting some kind of counseling too. It's hard when a person has had a health crisis and even harder to adjust to what their new life is going to be.
On another note, I came into Christianity a year or two ago and it really feels to me like leaving her in the nursing home is not what a good daughter would do from the Christian perspective which teaches us to 'honor our parents'. I feel like the reason people give to me to leave her in the nursing home is because things would be easier for me. I have a hard time understanding that rationale because I don't necessarily believe that God wants us to always take the easiest route and the best route often involves suffering. I know I'm going wayyyyy off tangent/off the charts with such a comment but I am also really struggling to reconcile my thoughts on the situation not just as a daughter but as a Christian as well.
I have actually left the nursing home on multiple occasions, one time in which she proceed to yell at me/call me names as I was walking out the door. Luckily I was able to rush out faster and ended up getting out rather than turning around and reacting to what she was saying about me.
I have indeed told her that she needs to find other ways to channel her anger - but I have not told her that the consequence could be me leaving her alone completely. I did at one point tell her that I'd always be there for her, that there's nothing she could do to turn me away because I'm her daughter and I love her and I realize she's not being herself because of what has happened to her. I question now if maybe I shouldn't have said that - as 1. it's not something I could probably actually commit to, and 2. maybe...just maybe she's using what she's been told to her advantage (I don't think so but I can't fathom it and would hate to think she's doing that).
You should not be doing anything for your Mom. The staff should be doing their jobs. You should not need to bring in anything. Moms depends and toiletries should be provided. I left Moms favorite things and the aids never used them. Do not expect them to put lotion on Mom.
How do you deal with this new norm, how have you dealt with Mom your whole life? If she has Bi-polar how did you deal with her mood swings? This stroke did not improve on that. Its not getting Mom to change, its getting you the tools to learn how to let things go and how do deal with Mom. Make believe your an aide and Moms the patient. I would bet in this scenario that you would handle the situation differently.
For now you need to find a way to transfer Mom. She also needs to be evaluated by someone from the outside, for her daily ADLs and her cognitive ability. If it found she needs 24/7, then she may need to stay in LTC. I doubt an AL would take her with the care she needs. By getting her transferred, a lot of what your doing will be done by staff. My Aunt had a head injury and was always mad at my Mom. Dr told Mom because she was the one my Aunt loved. Mom should know everything she wanted or needed. And they get upset when u don't.
We are not therapists here, just people like you caring for LOs. Not saying Mom might get some help talking to a Psychiatrist, she may. I would try that after u get her out of this place. You need a therapist to show you how to deal with Mom. You also, do not need to move her in with you. I think her physical and mental care would be too much for you.
I hired an outside social worker and I start working with them officially next week. I hope they can help with getting her moved to another SNF as to me, that is the likely next step in all of this.
I agree that the staff should be doing their jobs. But when my mom is on Day 5 without a shower or a 'bed bath' and is sick, I just do it. Every time I ask what has to be done so that this happens consistently for her, I am met with blank stares and the response from management of 'well, it's 'supposed' to be happening every x days'...but it just doesn't.
How did I deal with my mom pre-stroke? Good question. I honestly did not see her often. In recent years, I would limit phone conversations when she wanted to talk about 'paranoid' stuff, or argue that 'no one would EVER make her go to therapy or take blood pressure meds'. I think I just in general had a limited relationship with her because after decades I realized we argued too much and I didn't like feeling like I was 'being a worse person' around her sometimes. That was a very good suggestion for me to try to see her as the patient and treat her in that respect.
My mom had finally agreed to see a therapist and psychiatrist months before the stroke..after decades of asking her to go to a doctor (she would not go all her life due to not liking doctors as she was involuntarily committed early in life after a major traumatic event happened). It's so sad she had just gotten a job offer, had been seeing a therapist in the few months before, and even saw a psychiatrist the actual week she had the stroke (the psychiatrist was the 'most recent' person to tell her she 'had' to get on bp meds or she'd have a stroke soon...it was like it was God's last warning to her..but she refused the meds and had a stroke the same week, SMH). Besides the meds stuff, she was actually trying to change for the better.
I am just trying to reconcile how 'if" I am indeed able to provide safe, live-in care for my mom through use of a live-in caregiver versus her being in a SNF (which let's face it...none of them would be as comfortable/good for her than receiving care in the home), would God really want me to leave her in a SNF?
I don't have the answer to that question but it is what I think about most days. I am not able to reply to the other poster who had a good response about the Christianity stuff (there is no reply button there for some reason), but if they read this post I will say this to them - that I really do get everything they've mentioned and no, I would not say that people who have 'put' others in SNFs are not Christians. I would say that the scenarios are 'very' very much individual and that of course, if one 'cannot' provide the care safely/financially/etc then the SNF is best. Again, *I* just question that for me in my situation, why a SNF is best for my mom if once her disability comes through its enough to pay for a live-in caregiver in the home? What would be my rationale to leave her in an SNF under such a condition? It seems the only rationale would be because I don't want the sacrifice/suffering 'dealing with her' causes to me, and I feel like that's 'not necessarily' the best way to go because in reality, God is way more interested in our character than in our comfort which is exactly why he places us in scenarios where we have to sacrifice and suffer because its in the actual suffering that we grow. (For a Bible reference-see the story of Job and all of his suffering. For a real life reference, I see how much patience God is 'trying' to build in my with every argument I actually 'do' avoid with my mom-I am being tested in ways I have never been tested and personally see him growing me in my interactions with her..albeit not in a fast or easy way.)
I hope I am making sense here (probably not). In short, the Christian part of things plays a big role in my decision as I am looking to God for guidance on what to do. But trust that I am no fool either and I am carefully assessing this situation from SO many angles right now - as I've mentioned in other posts below, the 'next' likely thing to actually happen is to put my mom in another, better SNF as soon as possible.
And you're right - no, I can't imagine her screaming at me multiple times a day while living with me. Sounds like a real nightmare. The part I guess I'm not heeding as much is how bad things 'could get' now that she's had the stroke. In other words, the reality of a potential decline as the years go on. That is worth a lot of pondering on for sure. Because the arguing, for now, is not every visit by any means. She's usually nice or sad..and typically extremely grateful and sometimes cheery. She's 'usually' 'her version of normal'...it's just that her bad side is now the worst I've ever seen and I get the brunt of it so it's reallllly really hard on those days.
The reason why you keep getting ‘wrong’ replies is that so many people have gone through the same thing, and have already come to this conclusion. A mother who has been snarky for a long time, is likely to get worse whatever you do. Also whatever a counselor tells her – most likely just an expensive way for her to complain about you.
The only thing that seems to work, ever, is to walk out when you don’t like her behavior. And that depends a lot on her brain. It’s ‘stick and carrot’. If she realises that she has a motive to treat you well, it’s possible that she will improve. Otherwise, forget it.
So true! When my mother's PCP refused to prescribe anti-anxiety meds for my mother, I considered the psychiatrist/therapist route...but only very briefly. Getting her to and from those appointments would be on me, and then I'd have to sit around during the 45 minutes of a therapy appointment while she probably complained about ME? No, thanks.
Been there, got the t-shirt as they say.
You are finding your role as Mother's adjusts to her stroke - a life changing event.
Three things that helped me.
1. Stroke Survivor. That term. That surviving a stroke is itself a big deal.
2. Recovery. That it's so much better to think of this as a journey. A new stage of life - rather than total restoration of skills/ability. There is 'before' the stroke, there is stroke survival, there is recovery, which is the 'new normal'.
3. Advocate. Caring for someone does not have to mean doing everything, or doing the hands-on, or being their aide/therapist/driver. As you have found with arranging an agency to take Mom out, you can ARRANGE her care without having to do it all yourself. You can speak up the the NH staff if things go wrong, you don't have to work there & do it all yourself.
I'll add another point.. a real blunt one.. if you take her home, with such high care needs (physical, mental, emotional) & attempt to do everything yourself you risk losing your life. From having zero of your own life left as her needs drown out yours from literally dying of stress. Seriously.
Congratulate yourself for what you have done. Be kind to yourself as you adjust too, you are a stroke survivor in a way also.
You speak the truth. I handled 'Code Brown' almost always on my own for 25 years in homecare. It's too much much for one person to handle. It really is. My body is shot from so many years of transferring and dressing clients. Changing diapers and repositioning.
I will say from experience that when a person becomes incontinent they should be put into facility care. I mean really incontinent. I don't mean a grandma that tinkles a bit in her pull-up because she had ten kids and maybe doesn't make it to the toilet fast enough every time.
I mean when a person is diaper dependent peeing and crapping themselves because they cannot get to a toilet or because htey have dementia to the point where they aren't aware. This is when it's time for placement.
This was written below from Luta65 & I think it very important & needs repeating.
Stroke is a brain injury, your Mom's thinking is beyond your control.
Only your own thinking is.
I was in therapy but I discontinued it months ago so I could better afford to pay for the agency care (that comes out once a week to take my mom out). I may try to go in for a few sessions..I have been struggling a bit with all of this lately.
Please keep us updated on what the hired social worker says when you start meeting with them on December 19.
I can definitely come back and provide updates as I start working with the hired social worker.
Since she's so difficult, have you looked at grey rocking? Where you learn to not engage or respond to her b.s.? You're not going to change her, so you have to change your reaction to her. Set some reasonable boundaries and if she crosses the line you can warn her and the next time leave, "I'll come back when you're in a better mood".
If you try to do something for her that obviously needs doing and you want to do it, you could just say something vague like "oh, that's OK, I'll do it for you this time mom" and proceed with what you're doing. If she fights it again, stay calm and say "OK, maybe another time".
Don't stay too long as I bet the longer you stay the more nasty she gets. Short and sweet. Do what you think needs doing and hit the road.
I'm sorry that the facility is not the greatest, not by a long shot. Have you looked into getting her on medicaid so she can hopefully get into a better facility?
Best of luck.
My mom's sister has NPD. I just recently 'pinpointed' this after yearsssss of dealing with the most dysfunction in the family from her. Funny enough, I started 'grey rocking' with her..actually I'm mostly 'no contact' with her now. Interestingly enough though I did not ever think to grey rock with my mom. I 'kinda' did with her last night though..she was asking me if I needed laundry detergent and I said 'no, the laundry people provide it' (I use an app for her laundry). She said, 'don't THEY need it' and I said 'no'..then she asked again and I went totally 'blank'...no response, went dead in the face and stared blankly at the tv. Surprisingly ended the entire 'laundry' interaction lol.
Her medicaid is pending so I'm 'hoping' to get her into a better place once it comes through but honestly I think with Medicaid beds being so limited, it might be hard to get her in anywhere decent..we're already in an area with not the greatest facilities which is why I mentioned in another post below that I'm considering an in-home caregiver (potentially by even moving her with me abroad..long story and somewhat far-fetched of an option, but still keeping it as an option nonetheless).
I do want to emphasize that although we never got along great, I'm used to it. Although she is being nastier than normal, I do 'think' I have the capacity to learn to overlook it, as its only I would say...maybe 10% of the time or less. Of course, I expect others to chime in and say 'it'll only get worse' and 'that's still too much to deal with' etc etc, which would be valid points.
But in all seriousness, my mom won't take any meds related to mental health. She wouldn't take blood pressure meds although I begged her for years when she was running 220ish over 170ish for 'decades', She's just taking them now because she's scared she will die..or have another stroke.
'If' she could get in with a good therapist and only over time..maybe she'd take additional meds.
I got her into a stroke recovery group like 7 months ago; she attended the first call because I went to her and logged into the call/meeting. She hasn't attended any since although I have called her several times to tell her it's time, and walked her through how to dial in, etc. She said that 'it's not for her' after the first meeting. Based on what you wrote maybe we're not missing anything..?
I take it you regret bringing your stroke victim relative home? Was it a parent?
You may have also seen my various other posts here where I mentioned that my plan was to take my mom abroad and pay for full time live in caregiver there..I take you disagree with that plan? Seems everyone is saying there's no viable options for care in the home. I have talked to maybe 2 or 3 people who did it with full time help and stated it was still extremely challenging but that they were glad they did it because their parent thrived so much better at home. However, here in this and other forums it does seem like 99% of people say 'no way don't do it'.
I've always been kind to her. I've always helped her a lot, even though she has never been either of those things for me. She had the same opportunities I did, to seek some serious help, and try to do better. But she's a narcissist, through and through - manipulative, mean, greedy...
I got some good advice the other day: "Don't spend any more of your own money!" You sound as though, like me, you can't afford it. I'm going to take that advice as best I can.
Also, I have dealt with her needing a lot of help when I was working, and it was impossible for me, a nightmare. I urge you to be very realistic about what that would look like, if she was in your home.
Sometimes, when I have managed to distance myself from how cruel she has been and can still be, I remember little things she did with me when I was a little girl (like going to the fair, etc.) and that she is mentally ill, and feel sorry for her. But then I remind myself that she has always done exactly as she pleased with no regard for anyone else, including her children. That's why everyone around her is also MIA, and I'm left to deal with this - the same with you, no doubt.
I think you and I need to steel ourselves and make sure that this woman who has already been so harmful in our life doesn't get the chance to ruin our later years as well. Because they will, unintentionally or otherwise. However hard it will be for us to do that, our mothers had their chances by the truckloads and they squandered them. I'm not interested in punishing her or being cruel to her. But she has already made enough of my life very, very hard. I'm not going to give her my later years as well.
I'm beginning to decide what I am willing and unwilling to do (boundaries). She's made her choices. Those choices have brought her to where she is. She's had a great deal more in her life than I have in mine. I'm not going to let her make me feel guilty.
I hope that you do not make the choice to move her into your home.
I hope we both find peace with our decisions.
Best regards,
Pag
I must say, I've already lost a lot of hair this year.
Also, if my mom stays in a nursing home here, I may just have to still move on with my plan of living/settling/retiring abroad because I moved to my mom's state to be close to her while we 'figure things out' but there is no way I can live in this place full time permanently..I absolutely cannot do it and don't know how much longer I can live in this place.
My mother and I are as different as day and night and were never particularly close for various reasons. (When I left home for college I could not for the life of me understand why so many of my peers were homesick.) While growing up, everything in our home was all about my mother.
Having her living with me has not improved our relationship and has made my life very difficult in many ways.
My mother is very good at finding fault with almost everything I do. She has wrecked the peace in my home.
I can pretty much assure you that whatever your relationship is with your mother right now, will be what you get when you move her in with you, and it may very well get worse. You'll get the same person, only it will be in your home.
It's never a good idea to bring your Mom into your home with so many responsibilities caring for her that may burn you out with your LO. Leave her in the nursing home where she is for her care.
And you don't have to visit her as often as you do. The staff is already caring for her. You can come as a companion, instead. That's what a facility that is so expensive is for. Apply for Medicaid to fund her care. That's what it is there for. Her Care is beyond what you can handle, so caregivers will give you respite not to be guilty for. If you cannot adjust to your mother's or your situation, it may be time for professional help to cope with the challenges.
Now, my therapist says the plan I had of moving her abroad with me into a home where its affordable for full time 'live in care' is indeed my best option so she thinks its a great plan, however, of course, I'm no fool so I do solicit advise from people like those that post here because they're been there and will have a totally different perspective.
Medicaid and disability were applied for 8 months ago.
So far, the only resolution I have for bringing her home is moving abroad as that was my plan before her stroke as I wanted to retire abroad. I just thought I'd be moving alone. But I found 2 agencies that will place a live-in full time caregiver. The agency handles all of the legalities and taxes, etc. They place a backup when the live-in is sick, off, etc. Using them plus adult daycare locally was my plan. Otherwise, I can't bring her home in the US because I can only afford 4 hours of care daily and that's not enough. I need a live-in. I didn't think this was such a horrible idea. The 'bad' days with my mom are only about 15% of the time. Yeah, she's likely going to progress at some point one day and things may/will get to be so that she can't live with me anymore. Right now, while she can still eat on her own, converse with me, remember things, has the desire to go places, have hobbies, etc., I figure is the best time for me to try to be close to her and do some, say, 'bucket list' things we had on our list together. Because I don't know how much time we'll have left now to do that stuff as things could get worse at any moment. I can't even spend the night with her with being in the nursing home (they said because she's part of a charity program that pays for her bed, my mom can't leave the facility unless I pay $250 a night to 'hold her bed' and if you could see this place...I simply refuse to give them that kind of money).
Anyways, I probably made no sense here whatsoever. I'm just venting (ranting really). The point I was going to make is that if she's going to stay in a facility in this area then I might as well just move ahead with my plans to leave the country..alone. Or at least go to another state I want to live in because here is NOT it and is not going to work..I feel I'm on the edge living here already and it's only been 8 months. And no, I wouldn't move her with me to any other state because I move around the US a bit too much to be placing her based on where I live at any point time.
In short, if she has to stay in a facility locally and doesn't 'come home' to live with me (abroad since I can't afford full-time care in the US), I don't know that I can stick it out and live near her anymore.
You answer your own question. " I just don't know . . . "
Don't bring her home. If you already don't know, then you don't want to wait until she's home to figure it all out.
Get counseling from social worker, therapist.
It will be too much for you to handle - to care for yourself as well as her.
Gena / Touch Matters
Every individual circumstance is just so different - my mom can feed herself, talk/communicate, can transfer into the bed alone. Doesn't have memory loss. Is fairly young.
HOWEVER - please don't misinterpret what I'm writing as though I'm definitely going to bring her home though!
I just recently started up therapy with my former therapist. We had a talk about me moving abroad and moving my mom in the home with me abroad. I found 2 agencies abroad that can place a full-time 'live in' caregiver in the home. They handle the taxes, legalities, etc. Doing that plus the use of adult daycare was my plan. Because here in the US, I can only afford 4 hours of care daily and that would never work. A live-in is best 'if' she were to come home.
My therapist said she thinks its a great idea. She complemented me on my ability to find a good solution, and one that doesn't hurt me 1. financially (since my mom's disability will cover most of the live-in care), or, 2. physically (since the caretakers would do the majority of the care and do it full-time). She thought it was a great compromise to keeping her in the current nursing home that has bugs in the bed, where she has had unreported falls/missed meds, the staff is mean, etc etc. The therapist agrees that my mom won't likely find a good facility being on Medicaid and me not being able to private pay for a nice facility here in the US.
Are you saying that you would also advise against the above plan^?
That is great. Not gonna happen over here though, ha.
I mean, my mom is super super grateful towards me the vast majority of the time. Loving and affectionate is not in her nature though.
No, this is NOT easy after years of conditioning to be a people pleaser or avoid conflicts. It is worth the effort for your mental health. P.S. My mom now thanks me when I bring something for her. Best wishes!
My therapist said she thinks its a great idea. She complemented me on my ability to find a good solution, and one that doesn't hurt me 1. financially (since my mom's disability will cover most of the live-in care), or, 2. physically (since the caretakers would do the majority of the care and do it full-time). She thought it was a great compromise to keeping her in the current nursing home that has bugs in the bed, where she has had unreported falls/missed meds, the staff is mean, etc etc. The therapist agrees that my mom won't likely find a good facility being on Medicaid and me not being able to private pay for a nice facility here in the US.
Regarding boundaries, my counselor and I talk mainly about how I just need to 'walk away' and 'not to get upset' because its her illness talking. Wish I knew how to do that..I mean I 'have' done it before, but I keep having my 'moments' where I just break and go off on her. I don't know if I will just naturally get better at this over time? Coincidentally, my mom was so nasty to me the other day when I was taking her out shopping that I left everything in the store, drove her back to the nursing home, and hadn't talked to her since. I may just stop doing her laundry (fine-the nursing home can do it like they do everyone else's..and she will most definitely lose most of her clothing but it is what it is)... and I'm going to cancel at least a month of her 'outings' through the agency I hired. Maybe more. I may not even go up there to visit on Christmas. This time of year has always been CONSUMED with emotional outbreaks from her for yearssss and maybe, just maybe this year I'll skip it altogether. We shall see.
Thanks for the boundary suggestions. My mom already thanks me a TON and is over appreciative most days honestly...it's just that the other 10-20% of the time it's an 'about face' and she turns in this raging complainer who says I 'don't do anything right', I 'hurt her on purpose', I can't tell her anything because 'look at you-you never even were able to have any kids of your own', and how I need to understand how she's tired of how everyone around us looks at me like I'm crazy because 'no one likes me'. It's exhausting.