Grandmother is 78-y/o with disabilities from brain aneurysm many years ago. My sons do not have close attachment with her as they did my husband's mother, who passed one year ago. My family of origin was very dysfunctional, and my husband and I did not spend a lot of time with my mother and stepfather and siblings due to this. So, now, our sons do not like to spend time with my mother. I feel sad for this, because my mother loves my sons, and would enjoy seeing them, and wonders why they do not visit. My stepfather is now deceased, and I've been my mother's caregiver until this past year when we moved her into ALF. I do not want to "guilt" my sons into visiting her and reaching out, but I do wish they would express some type of care for her. Any suggestions?
Both of my grandparents lived else where in the U.S. and as a child/teen I saw both sets once a year. Here in the States people were lucky to get 1 or 2 weeks vacation... there was no shutting down for the month of August like in some European countries.
Once I got married, vacation days were juggled between my parents and hubby's parents [Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays].... there weren't any days left to fly off to visit the grandparents :(
I try to think it may be because they don't want to see Mama the way she is now...and that may be BUT because it would mean so much to her, they should man up and do it...but I do understand how emotionally painful it is..I just wish I knew something that worked....bless your heart
My mother would have loved to see the children because she helped me so often with them when they were little, took them places, read to them, and was quite involved in their lives (as was I) even as they were in the thirties. While one 'child' travels twice a year to Europe, she won't come to FL because she doesn't 'like' FL. I live in a beautiful neighborhood with more than enough room to accommodate. I never question it. I'm not laying any guilt trips on them because I didn't like it when my mother/mother-in-law laid them on me.
I looked this up one day. It seems 50% of this country's adult children don't have constant contact with their families because of the ability to move.
There's nothing I can do about it. While I was in MA, my daughter visited and I got closer to my son, who now calls more often. Most of our communication is via email.
Our lives are no longer the lives our parents/grandparents may have had, with family close by. Our 'adult' (and remember that...they are adults) children have often gone off to other states for job opportunities or are very busy with their own families, with both parents working now. Grandma will 'always be there' or our parents will 'always be there' -- until they are not. I believe this is when they begin to understand their extended family will not always be there and when they start dying off, I believe they understand even more that they are now in charge of the 'family'. The head, so to speak. And I believe they feel that loss.
This isn't the answer you wanted, but it's my experience and how I handle it. I figure maybe someday when they grow older, they'll remember how you wanted them to visit their grandmother but they never did. They'll remember this in their loneliness when their children don't visit them.
Our culture has changed and, either fortunately or unfortunately, we helped to change it.
I'm reading an excellent book Being Mortal, Atul Gawandi, a doctor who goes into the generational issues, how hospitals were formed, how nursing homes came to be, and how families have departed ways. Excellent book regarding end of life issues.
I faced my fears & discomfort and made the effort for multiple folks at this.point in my life. Did I enjoy or love them all? Of course not. Did I do it out of guilt? Maybe, for one person who was prickly. That person ended up passing while I was there holding her hand. Her last words.were 'thank you', while we both had tears in our eyes. I cannot think of a more privileged moment in my life.
Contrast that with my sibling and wife, who cited EVERY single excuse posted here and more. They have taught their own children that caring for loved (or perhaps not-so-loved) ones, or visiting or showing basic human decency is someone else's job. Guess what? While otherwise lovely people, their kids have zero inclination to be there for them now that they are the ones needing someone to give them the time of day or simply send a card.
Karma doesn't miss a target good or bad. What kind of people we choose to raise and what kind of culture we willingly tolerate ultimately comes home to roost. Yes, you cannot force 20 something adult children to do what they refuse to do, but parenting and modeling good behavior doesn't end with their adulthood.
If i were you I'd use some guilt, give it the college try and then make some younger friends to visit you later for when you become someone or live in a place that may be out of their (and/or sposes) comfort zone. Just sayin~
First - Plans changed sometimes as far as when she was needed
2nd - She counsels some dangerous clients so too stressful
3rd - She counsels caregivers and involvement would impact her ability
4th - She doesn't want to be in the same structure with me
5th - And naturally she does not have the time or has something she has to do.
The list could go on and on. This sib is not the mom of nephew that works two blocks from here that never stops in for a hello.
If they still won't do it, leave it there. It is sad, I agree, and I'm really hoping that they will be able to give themselves a bit of a shake and go along; but having said that…
Deep, sincere affection is a lifetime in the making. It requires two way input from the parties directly involved. Your mother has had all of your sons' lives to build a relationship with them, and if she hasn't done so, then there it is. Whatever you do, don't feel that the distance between these people whom you love is your fault.
Instead, suggest they send her greeting cards. If she has a sense of humor, the funnier the card the better. Suggest on special days that they send her flowers, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. If your Mom uses a computer and has email, they can email her a short note telling her what they are doing. When your sons comes to visit you, maybe as a group all go to the nursing home to visit, then the conversation would flow a bit easier.
I don't see anything wrong sprinkling a little guilt their way. No one likes to visiting nursing homes but we all do it.
When my dad was in a NH and there was a day I couldn't get there I'd ask my 18-year-old daughter to stop in and see him instead. She knew it was no use arguing with me so she did it and my dad would be thrilled to see her and that made her feel good.
Use guilt if you have to. Spending an hour with their grandma won't kill them.