Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I am wondering how others have dealt with this. She likes to go same route and see places she may remember which I can understand, but I can't spend all my time driving around.
Save up little errands so you feel like you’re also getting something out of the trip. By taking care of someone that’s helpless we have to put them first often. If getting her out of the house helps her then it’s worth it. It makes you feel better for being a thoughtful caregiver & eases her energy level. What would she think of activities at a senior citizen center? Or maybe you could hire someone to pick her up daily giving them a little cash to get ice cream cones while they’re out, giving you a break.
Hi OldArkie- it may be possible for a doctor to come up with a medication that will give her, and you, a greater degree of peace, but because each case of dementia is unique to the patient, each case may respond a little differently to medications.
Just consider too, if she has been DIAGNOSED with AD, NOTHING is “slightly…..”.
Her illness is constantly progressive, and relentless. I know you know that, but sometimes I had to remind myself during the course of my LOs’ illnesses, that although what they did that was annoying and puzzling to me, was also sometimes something over which they had no control, and also continuously emerging then changing.
If she’ll tolerate a “companion”, that’s certainly worth a try, hopefully for you both.
Beautifully put Ann and very compassionate. I have to remember just what you said, that every individual is unique, and every caregiver has their own approach to the treatment and care. She is much like a child and I can't tell when she is being honest or faking her problems, but t doesn't matter. I refuse to be strict or stern with her and will continue to treat her with as much respect as I can while helping her navigate her way through this miserable disease. I am trying to discover a diversion that doesn't require a lot of ability to enjoy.
Like already suggested below, why don't you take her to an Adult Daycare Center? You can bring her there up to 5 days per week and up to 8 hours per day. They feed their folks breakfast, lunch and a snack and they have all kinds of activities to keep everyone busy and entertained. They do a wonderful job, and if you can't afford it there are programs available to assist you with the cost. That would give you plenty of free time to do what you enjoy and give you a much needed break from caring for your wife. And it would occupy your restless wife for hours. It's a win win for you both.
She always goes with me when I go. She couldn't participate in group activities. Her memory loss won't allow it. If I can find someone to be companion that she would like, it would be great. I haven't yet and it may be she has shadowed me so much she won't accept anyone... although family members are acceptable.
My mom would also not like some of the caregivers. That's really hard on you to navigate. When she'd finally like one, they would get sick or move away and we'd have to start over. Sometimes the caregivers were sitting on the porch when I'd get home and tell me she kicked them out, but they stayed there with the door open in case of an emergency. We did in the end, before facility time, find a perfect caregiver who she loved. I took my mom for rides too, but not every day. These days when I drive in the direction I'd usually take her, towards the mountains, I cry remembering the repetitive conversations. The very same topics each and every ride, not just once a ride, but 4 or 5 times. I did get used to it and miss it now. But, really, you have to get someone else to take over some of the rides! Can you pretend to be sick?
OldArkie - At one time, my mom needed things to keep her occupied.
While she wasn't looking:
I pulled out half of the clothes in her closet and asked her to help hang them on the hangers and put back in the closet.
I unmatched all her socks in the sock drawer, and asked her to match them and put away.
I bought a big load of artificial flowers and 4 containers with floral foams. She would arrange the flowers by sticking them into the foams. Later, I'd pull them all out, so she could start all over again.
All these kept her busy for a couple of hours at a time. She did these every day for many months until she didn't care anymore about them. Perhaps your wife enjoys doing something similar?
My mom liked ice cream. I'd give her a small Haagen-dazs cup, and a TINY wooden stick. It usually took her about 30 minutes to finish it, and she enjoyed every bit of it. Thirty worry-free minutes allowed me to do other things. Precious!
There are also fidget blankets for dementia patients with lots of things to fasten/unfasten, buckle/unbuckle, zip/unzip, etc, to keep them occupied.
The Area Agency on Aging was able to make me aware of a state/county run Adult Day Care my mom qualified for with no cost in my area. Before their recommendation, I was not aware this ADC facility existed in spite of having looked into facilities online and in the regional phone book. If you haven't contacted the AAA, I would encourage you to do so. There may be programs available that would help. I think my mom loved the van/bus rides to and from our home as much or more than the time at the ADC. After she was confined to a wheelchair the transportation certainly made it much easier for both of us.
Ireland, thanks for the tips. I'll check out the upwalker light. Our local availability for seniors is very limited. We have a seniorcenter but she would never be able to participate in their activities. Too immobile. Walks short distance with a walker!
You say she won’t do group activities and that was how my mother was at first…however if the activity is geared toward dementia patients it seems to really do the trick. And any activity with music makes it sooo much better. You should try an Adult Day Center for dementia and stay with her the first few times. Once she has a buddy you will be able to get some alone time. It’s important for your health.
Sometimes I "kicked the can down the road" by saying I will take you as soon as I finish whatever I was doing. By that time, the request was forgotten and repeated. I was rarely was able to divert the attention to another activity but I tried. I agreed to the request "as soon as I finish whatever I was doing". I always finally complied but I was able to get some things accomplished in the meantime.
Thanks Frizzle. I employ this technique most of the time. Her memory is variable and usually she forgets what we agreed on in a short time and we begin again!
OldArkie, You say your wife will not participate in activities because her memory loss will not allow it. That is the point of Adult Day Care that is geared primarily for people that have some form of dementia. They tailor activities for the group they have. And if someone does not want top participate they have other things for them to do. And many programs will take participants on outings. Getting her into a program 1 or 2 days a week will give you a much needed break as well. I would suggest trying it for a while and if she really is not adjusting then you can try finding a companion for her. It is also possible that the people running the Adult Program would have ideas for you in finding a companion.
That would be a terrific help, I know. Sadly, the Adult Day Care in our town was closed... I suspect for being unable to hire help. I tried a companion that AAOA had available, and they weren't compatible. I need to see if they have someone else we can try. The local Area Agency ON Aging seems to be somewhat unconcerned... may be just my impression.
My 93 yr. old mother is in assisted living. She's constantly wanting me and others to take her to get her nails done, go to eat, go to Walmart, etc. She has Parkinson's and it's a lot of trouble to get her walker, etc. and her in and out of the car. I finally decided to tell her she can choose to go no more than one or two places (depending on the day). The others that drive her are doing the same. She doesn't always like it but now is getting used to it.
You said that your wife constantly wants to go for a car ride. "She likes to go same route and see places she may remember which I can understand, but I can't spend all my time driving around."
For a short-term solution, could you hire someone to video the drive your wife knows and likes best? Then, you can purchase a child-friendly tablet, with a big screen (I like the ones that come with the big rubbery case around them that make them easy and fun to hold, and if the tablet falls to the floor, its rubbery casing protects the device from damage), and your wife can watch the scenery and the virtual-drive on screen over and over.
Recommendation: 1. You drive the exact drive she likes, while the videographer sits in the front seat where your wife normally sits, so the whole video will be like it is seen through her eyes. When the camera catches scenes of you and your voice pointing things out, or commenting at the exact same things you normally do in the drive with her, you are behind the wheel exactly as she has known you to always be, and maybe she will feel she is on her daily adventure 2. Make sure the videographer arranges the video in at least two formats: - the actual drive, with the video stopping when your car arrives back home - on a never-ending loop so the video will just keep going over and over until you stop it or she loses interest, so that you won't have to keep going to her device to press "play"
How to hire someone to make this video? I don't know where in Arkansas you are located but when I searched online, a number of your colleges have video production courses. You could approach the instructor, and maybe hire a student who could do it as class project for class credit, or for pay, or both.
@OldArkie, further to the short-term video-drive idea I just posted, in the longer term, for your own health and mental survival, you must come up with solutions which don't require you to be with and cater to your dementia-getting-worse wife 24/7/365. You, if you remain her only caretaker, will be destroyed physically, mentally and emotionally, and then where will she be?
Only you can ease her transitions. As AnnReid so rightly put those transitions, they are relentless and progressive. Thus, you must find a team to help you to help her:
- Find a medication to calm her agitation. Her health care provider (with your monitoring and feedback) might have to try a few medications or dosages to find one that helps calm her
- You replied to JoAnn who recommended medication: "concerned it might worsen her remaining cognizance". Please don't discount JoAnn's suggestion. Your situation is far more critical than you seem to realize. Get your wife stabilized and lessen her antsy agitation before she gets worse. Wouldn't it be a loving kindness to both her and you to get her calmer as a baseline?
- You must make an effort to find professional help in order to help you help your wife, such as A. A group home or other placement, so that you can again become loving spouse rather than 24-hour caretaker B. Day care to give you some respite C. Private-hire daily helper(s). It is unfair to lean upon your SIL to help you care for and entertain your wife. Her priority is her own husband
Please, you must save your own health and wellbeing while you still have them, by finding resources to help you navigate your wife's sad journey.
We all here have great sympathy or empathy for the terrible situation you and your wife find yourselves in, and are pulling for you to find the courage and energy and creativity to navigate this.
BeenThroughThis Our family physician is a geriatric specialist and we trust him implicitly. I will certainly ask him about medication that possibly will help with her anxiety. I appreciate and agree with your admonishment about the necessity of getting help. Every day I am reminded of it! My problem is the lack of Senior Care facilities in our area. I plan to work more closely with AAOA to see if they can help. That is supposedly their reason for being! My constitution has allowed me to approach our problems with optimism, but I lately recognize that it would be pretty easy to develop a little depression. Thanks for your interest and helpful advice.
This happened with my husband, who had Lewy Body Dementia. The car was a real lifesaver, but, of course, I couldn't drive around 24 hours a day. I started to recruit friends and relatives. Just to take him out for lunch or a cup of coffee. Some of them would drive around for a while, then go through a drive-thru and bring the lunch back to the house. One friend took him to a local park to feed the ducks and watch people enjoying kayaks and canoes. Others were brave enough to take him into restaurants, usually just fast food. He never cared much for fast food until after his diagnosis, and then we were all about McDonald's and Dairy Queen. We could NOT drive past a DQ without stopping. I loved the long drives, because they would tire him out and he'd be begging for a long nap when we got home. Anyways, I managed to find several very dependable friends of his who were happy to be asked. The first few times, we all went together (to give them a feel for the challenges therein), and after that they were on their own. Each friend had something unique to offer. One friend would take him to bookstores; another would take him to the mall; another took him to an art museum and even to a concert! It was wonderful for him to have his own life. He'd come home and tell me all about it...or what he remembered of it. Even after he went into a memory care facility, these same friends (some of whom I hadn't really known previously because they were old college pals) would visit him a few times a month, even when he was no longer certain that he knew them. I hope this helps. I'm sorry to hear that there isn't an Adult Care near you. We never found one either, but I've heard great things about them. Be strong. There will be, as you know, days when you think you cannot go on, but know that you will never be sorry for the time and love that you give her.
Once you realize that restlessness is part of dementia and not fixable, you'll stop trying to fix her need to go for a ride constantly bc she'll still want to keep going for rides, in the endless loop known as dementia! Diversion is the key to all of this.....occupying your wife's mind with something to distract her off the thought of a car ride for the moment by telling her "later" or whatever, then again when she asks, and so on. Otherwise, you'll be her cab driver 24/7 and still she'll be begging you to take her for a ride 24/7!
Try to have some sort of routine you can stick to which includes a car ride daily if possible but doesn't chain you down to unreasonable demands from a broken mind. Your wellbeing is important here too my friend. There is only SO much you can do before you need to consider memory care AL for your wife, imo.
Buses run 24 hours a day (I think); perhaps hire a companion from Care.com. They May help your mom break her monotony and offer excursions through her old neighborhood.
Tell her: The car's out of gas. You just came back from a ride. Her cousin is stopping by. The car won't start. The road is blocked because of accidents. There's a mouse in the car. You can't find your keys. You're tired. You need to prop your feet up. Pretend you're asleep. She's not going to remember any of what you say, so lie.
Tyrants become tyrants because people allow it. (Roman Emperor Nasturtius Poopianus, 58 B.C.)
He could do this ... while ensuring others are around to take her out as is reasonable. The issue here is that she will continue to ask and want what she wants. I believe he needs to stop engaging in the conversation and do what he needs to do. And, put on some music or the tv for his wife. Sounds like you've been through this.
I do believe in your Tyrants quote. We allow it. T is still around and likely will never ever leave.
Antidepressants do not normally affect cognition; if they did, no one would take them. But it's not clear from what you've written that antidepressants are the appropriate kind of medication. Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist, and if not, could she be? For this, it would be worth driving some distance!
Not sure a psychiatrist could examine her Don't think she would cooperate and certainly couldn't give intelligent responses. She was being treated (examined bi-yearly) by a neurologist but after we determined he was not helping us understand or help her condition, we stopped seeing him.
There is nothing more beautiful than taking time to be together and giving time to someone you love.
What does she like most about the ride? Is it possible that you are focused on conversation and have to put down your phone/electronics? Can you replicate these desirable conditions elsewhere so she feels generally happier?
I accidentally touched the 'helpful answer.' Didn't mean to do that. Your comments are not helpful and is guilt tripping. OP is stressed out from being asked by his wife to drive her around constantly all day and every day. Here you are telling him that 'there's nothing more beautiful...'
Sure, there's nothing more beautiful if someone else can take care of everything else for him like shopping, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, arranging appointments, and hundreds of other no name tasks, and oh eating, bathing, sleeping, and the forgotten 'time to oneself' to rest and recharge, so that all he has to do was to drive his wife around whenever she asks which is all day.
I hope you soon will find yourself living and experiencing the stressful life of so many caregivers here so that you can learn to appreciate what they are going through.
* Set limits and boundaries. And, ask yourself why you have not done this yet? - Does she have dementia? - Does she live with you? * Find someone else to drive you at times. * Take the breaks and rest you need. * Drive / go somewhere new - for the both of you. She may initially be irritated although she'll start to see other new things / colors / buildings / people. Expect she will be upset when you do not do what she wants ... she is used to you doing what she wants.
If you do not set limits by assessing your needs and energy level, you will burn out and then neither of you will be able to go for a drive (together). And, you will become resentful, if you don't already felt that way.
I haven't had this request, although I was in a position of responsibility to care for another's LIFE managing everything - and it never ended. To the best of my ability, I ensured that my loved one had volunteers visiting (he was bedridden for the last two years). I visited around their visits.
I believe: * Resentment happens when you give your power away / do not feel empowered / feel you 'have to' do xxx for another. If you feel guilty or pressured or presume "I have to do xxx," stop and question why you feel this way. * While perhaps life long patterns of married life, as a spouse changes, so must you. The more they feel confused and/or fear, the more they will possibly be angry and scared, and expect more of your time. They will not be able to understand that you/r energy is gone / that you are exhausted. They are in their world thinking of themselves. While I do not know the specifics of your wife's brain functioning or illness, you must take care of yourself - to be available to her.
I realize that some care providers of loved ones do not have support / caregiver support although I encourage you to enlist others to help you support your wife's desire to go out for a ride.
While we all want to do all we can for our loved ones, we need time to renew and reenergize, and find our equanimity. And, perhaps you can do this be seeing new neighborhoods, sites, etc.
Gena, thank you for your heartfelt advice. Her problems are several. She had AD first diagnosed several, maybe 10 years ago. She later had a stroke (CVA) on the back side of her brain and erased her memory, and, her capacity for memory. A later severe episode of hypokalemia hospitalized her for a week and exacerbated her stroke symptoms No memory of our life together or her life after she started school. Every meal is a new experience. If she ate something yesterday, she won't remember today that she ate it or if she liked it. So, I can't set limits or rules because she won't remember it tomorrow. I have tried to apply reason to her reactions and there is none. Our history of her continuing decline goes on and on. I am now simply trying to manage one day at a time!
My mother with Alzheimers did the same thing. It was impossible to satisfy her. Medications helped a lot. Antidepressants and a very low dose of Trazadone kept her even. Good luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Just consider too, if she has been DIAGNOSED with AD, NOTHING is “slightly…..”.
Her illness is constantly progressive, and relentless. I know you know that, but sometimes I had to remind myself during the course of my LOs’ illnesses, that although what they did that was annoying and puzzling to me, was also sometimes something over which they had no control, and also continuously emerging then changing.
If she’ll tolerate a “companion”, that’s certainly worth a try, hopefully for you both.
They do a wonderful job, and if you can't afford it there are programs available to assist you with the cost.
That would give you plenty of free time to do what you enjoy and give you a much needed break from caring for your wife. And it would occupy your restless wife for hours. It's a win win for you both.
I took my mom for rides too, but not every day. These days when I drive in the direction I'd usually take her, towards the mountains, I cry remembering the repetitive conversations. The very same topics each and every ride, not just once a ride, but 4 or 5 times. I did get used to it and miss it now. But, really, you have to get someone else to take over some of the rides! Can you pretend to be sick?
While she wasn't looking:
I pulled out half of the clothes in her closet and asked her to help hang them on the hangers and put back in the closet.
I unmatched all her socks in the sock drawer, and asked her to match them and put away.
I bought a big load of artificial flowers and 4 containers with floral foams. She would arrange the flowers by sticking them into the foams. Later, I'd pull them all out, so she could start all over again.
All these kept her busy for a couple of hours at a time. She did these every day for many months until she didn't care anymore about them. Perhaps your wife enjoys doing something similar?
My mom liked ice cream. I'd give her a small Haagen-dazs cup, and a TINY wooden stick. It usually took her about 30 minutes to finish it, and she enjoyed every bit of it. Thirty worry-free minutes allowed me to do other things. Precious!
There are also fidget blankets for dementia patients with lots of things to fasten/unfasten, buckle/unbuckle, zip/unzip, etc, to keep them occupied.
Hope some of these ideas help you.
Sounds like your wife needs a little more to do, fold facecloths, take off the tips of fresh string beans, dust, anything to keep her occupied.
A home care physical therapist will get rid of some of that energy. An UpWalker Lite is fabulous. I bought one for Mom and it gives her freedom.
Local morning respite programs offer exercise, lunch, etc. You can go for 1/2 a day too. They are wonderful.
A girl's gotta get out...keep it simple. Hope I helped!
You say your wife will not participate in activities because her memory loss will not allow it.
That is the point of Adult Day Care that is geared primarily for people that have some form of dementia. They tailor activities for the group they have. And if someone does not want top participate they have other things for them to do. And many programs will take participants on outings.
Getting her into a program 1 or 2 days a week will give you a much needed break as well.
I would suggest trying it for a while and if she really is not adjusting then you can try finding a companion for her. It is also possible that the people running the Adult Program would have ideas for you in finding a companion.
You said that your wife constantly wants to go for a car ride. "She likes to go same route and see places she may remember which I can understand, but I can't spend all my time driving around."
For a short-term solution, could you hire someone to video the drive your wife knows and likes best? Then, you can purchase a child-friendly tablet, with a big screen (I like the ones that come with the big rubbery case around them that make them easy and fun to hold, and if the tablet falls to the floor, its rubbery casing protects the device from damage), and your wife can watch the scenery and the virtual-drive on screen over and over.
Recommendation:
1. You drive the exact drive she likes, while the videographer sits in the front seat where your wife normally sits, so the whole video will be like it is seen through her eyes. When the camera catches scenes of you and your voice pointing things out, or commenting at the exact same things you normally do in the drive with her, you are behind the wheel exactly as she has known you to always be, and maybe she will feel she is on her daily adventure
2. Make sure the videographer arranges the video in at least two formats:
- the actual drive, with the video stopping when your car arrives back home
- on a never-ending loop so the video will just keep going over and over until you stop it or she loses interest, so that you won't have to keep going to her device to press "play"
How to hire someone to make this video? I don't know where in Arkansas you are located but when I searched online, a number of your colleges have video production courses. You could approach the instructor, and maybe hire a student who could do it as class project for class credit, or for pay, or both.
I found scores of college video production classes, here is just one:
- https://www.sautech.edu/programs-degrees/film-and-video-technology/
Alternatively, hire a professional: I don't know this guy but I liked his website:
- https://wmehs.com/wmehs-video-production/
Good luck.
Only you can ease her transitions. As AnnReid so rightly put those transitions, they are relentless and progressive. Thus, you must find a team to help you to help her:
- Find a medication to calm her agitation. Her health care provider (with your monitoring and feedback) might have to try a few medications or dosages to find one that helps calm her
- You replied to JoAnn who recommended medication: "concerned it might worsen her remaining cognizance". Please don't discount JoAnn's suggestion. Your situation is far more critical than you seem to realize. Get your wife stabilized and lessen her antsy agitation before she gets worse. Wouldn't it be a loving kindness to both her and you to get her calmer as a baseline?
- You must make an effort to find professional help in order to help you help your wife, such as
A. A group home or other placement, so that you can again become loving spouse rather than 24-hour caretaker
B. Day care to give you some respite
C. Private-hire daily helper(s). It is unfair to lean upon your SIL to help you care for and entertain your wife. Her priority is her own husband
Please, you must save your own health and wellbeing while you still have them, by finding resources to help you navigate your wife's sad journey.
We all here have great sympathy or empathy for the terrible situation you and your wife find yourselves in, and are pulling for you to find the courage and energy and creativity to navigate this.
Our family physician is a geriatric specialist and we trust him implicitly. I will certainly ask him about medication that possibly will help with her anxiety. I appreciate and agree with your admonishment about the necessity of getting help. Every day I am reminded of it! My problem is the lack of Senior Care facilities in our area. I plan to work more closely with AAOA to see if they can help. That is supposedly their reason for being! My constitution has allowed me to approach our problems with optimism, but I lately recognize that it would be pretty easy to develop a little depression. Thanks for your interest and helpful advice.
It was wonderful for him to have his own life. He'd come home and tell me all about it...or what he remembered of it.
Even after he went into a memory care facility, these same friends (some of whom I hadn't really known previously because they were old college pals) would visit him a few times a month, even when he was no longer certain that he knew them.
I hope this helps. I'm sorry to hear that there isn't an Adult Care near you. We never found one either, but I've heard great things about them.
Be strong. There will be, as you know, days when you think you cannot go on, but know that you will never be sorry for the time and love that you give her.
Try to have some sort of routine you can stick to which includes a car ride daily if possible but doesn't chain you down to unreasonable demands from a broken mind. Your wellbeing is important here too my friend. There is only SO much you can do before you need to consider memory care AL for your wife, imo.
Bestof luck to you
Tyrants become tyrants because people allow it. (Roman Emperor Nasturtius Poopianus, 58 B.C.)
I do believe in your Tyrants quote. We allow it. T is still around and likely will never ever leave.
What does she like most about the ride? Is it possible that you are focused on conversation and have to put down your phone/electronics? Can you replicate these desirable conditions elsewhere so she feels generally happier?
Sure, there's nothing more beautiful if someone else can take care of everything else for him like shopping, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, arranging appointments, and hundreds of other no name tasks, and oh eating, bathing, sleeping, and the forgotten 'time to oneself' to rest and recharge, so that all he has to do was to drive his wife around whenever she asks which is all day.
I hope you soon will find yourself living and experiencing the stressful life of so many caregivers here so that you can learn to appreciate what they are going through.
- Does she have dementia?
- Does she live with you?
* Find someone else to drive you at times.
* Take the breaks and rest you need.
* Drive / go somewhere new - for the both of you. She may initially be irritated although she'll start to see other new things / colors / buildings / people. Expect she will be upset when you do not do what she wants ... she is used to you doing what she wants.
If you do not set limits by assessing your needs and energy level, you will burn out and then neither of you will be able to go for a drive (together).
And, you will become resentful, if you don't already felt that way.
I haven't had this request, although I was in a position of responsibility to care for another's LIFE managing everything - and it never ended. To the best of my ability, I ensured that my loved one had volunteers visiting (he was bedridden for the last two years). I visited around their visits.
I believe:
* Resentment happens when you give your power away / do not feel empowered / feel you 'have to' do xxx for another. If you feel guilty or pressured or presume "I have to do xxx," stop and question why you feel this way.
* While perhaps life long patterns of married life, as a spouse changes, so must you. The more they feel confused and/or fear, the more they will possibly be angry and scared, and expect more of your time. They will not be able to understand that you/r energy is gone / that you are exhausted. They are in their world thinking of themselves. While I do not know the specifics of your wife's brain functioning or illness, you must take care of yourself - to be available to her.
I realize that some care providers of loved ones do not have support / caregiver support although I encourage you to enlist others to help you support your wife's desire to go out for a ride.
While we all want to do all we can for our loved ones, we need time to renew and reenergize, and find our equanimity. And, perhaps you can do this be seeing new neighborhoods, sites, etc.
Gena / Touch Matters
A later severe episode of hypokalemia hospitalized her for a week and exacerbated her stroke symptoms No memory of our life together or her life after she started school. Every meal is a new experience. If she ate something yesterday, she won't remember today that she ate it or if she liked it. So, I can't set limits or rules because she won't remember it tomorrow. I have tried to apply reason to her reactions and there is none. Our history of her continuing decline goes on and on. I am now simply trying to manage one day at a time!