94-yr-old mom triggered by her friend regarding her finances. Help!

It's best not to argue with an elder who has dementia b/c it's an exercise in futility. Giving your mom bank statements will confuse her and lead to more questions and accusations in the long run. You won't cut down or eliminate these suspicions she has of you no matter WHAT you do, so don't bother trying, that's my suggestion. The two friends feed off one another now, both with dementia and both 'comparing notes' on who's family are bigger 'thieves'. I saw this with my own mother when she lived in Assisted Living; she got it into her head that one of the caregivers 'stole' her silver heart necklace with dad's ASHES in it (of all things!!). So regardless of HOW many times I told her it wasn't true, she insisted it was and got all the other ladies in the AL on board to declare that they too had 'things stolen from them' by these 'thieving caregivers' at the AL! They marched into the Executive Director's office to make their claim one day; he told them there was nothing he could do about it but to feel free and notify the sheriff. So one of the ladies did just that! She called the sheriff to file a complaint. The sheriff shows up *with the Executive Director in tow* and knocks on my mother's apartment door to ask her some questions about the 'theft' of her necklace. My mother proceeds to have a full meltdown & tells them she never said any such thing, and slams the door in their faces! She calls me up carrying on and I told her, 'what ma, you won't put your money where your mouth is?' A couple of days later I went over to her apartment, pulled out her jewelry box, and lo & behold, what was laying in there but the 'stolen' necklace! She about had a cow when I held it up for her to see. "Where did THAT come from?" she wanted to know? Of course, nothing was 'her fault' so the whole matter was swept under the rug, as usual.

If I were you, I would tell mom you're taking care of HER and her finances to the best of your ability, and she is welcome to move into a Skilled Nursing Facility tomorrow if she doesn't trust you or care to live with you any longer. If not, the bank statements are online and not available in paper form any longer, sorry. If she would like, you can write down the bottom line number on a piece of paper for her every month showing the balance of her account and that's IT. PERIOD. Try distracting her off the subject when she gets harping on it, and try to keep her interactions with her friend with dementia to a minimum as well.

 
Dementia is extremely difficult & frustrating to deal with, that's for CERTAIN!

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

There's a bunch of tips & suggestions in that article that may help you deal and cope with your mother & her antics. Try not to take her words personally and realize that suspiciousness & paranoia go with the territory with dementia.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

I think I would block this "friend" from talking to Mom. Get the friend's family on board telling them she is making Mom anxious and its causing more work for you.

There was a lady at Moms AL the aides did not like. She was always agitating. The new residents she would tel, how horrible the place was and how she was stolen from. All part of the desease but caused problems for the aides.

bethny - your mom can't understand the bank statements anymore. So, my suggestion is to create a statement that will make her happy. One with a lot of money and show it to her.

You can use her statement and overlay the real numbers with new numbers with extra zeros at the end, then run it through a color copy machine. Voila. New statement. Mom is rich.

Oh, use white-out to cover up the "Closing," and leave just the "Balance."

Delay & Distract: Tell her the bank will post the statements when it's time - every six months.

I dislike fibs really (but some banks here actually do just that).

Painstakingly Honest: Show her the online statement & painstakingly go over it until she is bored. Sigh.. depends on your patience level I suppose.

Good News Headline: Reassure her with a short positive statement eg "Your money is safely locked up in the bank". Repeat as needed.

The "somebody" (often a family member or guardian) stole my "clothes, dishes"...(whatever), is so common among confused elders. It doesn't help to have two of them telling each other about the "thefts" they've experienced!
Usually it is something they themselves have misplaced or forgotten where they put it. Because they can't find it, it must have been "stolen."
I don't think it hurts, sometimes, to say "where do you usually keep it"or "could you have moved them someplace." And have them show you where. (I wouldn't suggest you do this often!! You don't want to reinforce this complaint.) You may, or may NOT find it.
Say no more, but make a mental note to yourself where items were or usually are. Misplacing things, often in an INNAPPROPRIATE place, is symptomatic of Alzheimers.

Good Morning,

This is what works for me not just for the loved one you are caring for but for my siblings "the firing squad". Everyone has heard of the Dollar Store's. Basically, I have (2) notebooks--mine and Mom's. Never the two shall meet. We have our own money.

Every transaction that I make for my mother out of her $$$ there is a paper trail.
I do NOT use the tiny check ledger, instead I simply use a notebook from the Dollar Store.

There is a running tab of the balance that is remaining in my mother's account. I have a separate notebook (different color) my name is on it.

I have a box of white business envelopes. Each month I write on the front
September 2022 in the middle (up on the left hand corner, person's name)
and below on the left--debit and checking account receipts.

If I buy a donut and coffee the receipt goes into the envelope for the month.
I do this faithfully everyday. We don't buy a lot, but all receipts--doctors' office co-pays go into my wallet and once a day I do the entries. You always have a running tab of income and expenses.

If my siblings walked through the door at any time, they can have access to this ledger/notebook as well as my mother. I do this exact same routine for myself.

Prior to my answering you I just went online and reviewed the accounts. I do this every morning. I open up the notebook and check off which checks have cleared--we have new mail people and I want to make sure all bills are being paid on time.

I have been doing this system for years and it works. If there ever was a mistake you can catch it right away and simply refer to the "envelope" for that particular month.

Keep in mind, you are not going to explain this to your mother, it's too much information but you could simply show her where the notebook is. That way there she knows she has money and just reinforce, "Mom whatever you need, we will make sure you have it"!

A lot of the drug store chains are NOT providing sales receipts (prescriptions) if you don't ask prior especially if you go through the drive through. These receipts are important as evidence if there is a question or a computer glitch a the drugstore chain as to when the last scrip was picked up.

I hope this helped!

I work full time, take care of all mom's finances, (my sister helps with this) take care of her home which is on VRBO, take her to run all errands including dr appt. etc. I also go in early to work so that I can take an extra long lunch break with my mom daily. She comes to my home on Sunday's for a few hours with the grandkids. I am sorry/not sorry that it is easier for me to lie to my mother to deal with these kinds of issues. I do not have the time to try to come up with ways to make her understand, so I make up whatever works for the moment. All of these above mentioned tactics will work but you have to do what you think will work for your mom. I used to hate lying to her but now it keeps me sane.

Deflect, distract, delay. My motto when dealing with anything I know will just cause further confusion. I am on my fathers accounts and am paying a lot of his bills for him without him even knowing. I put many on auto pay and every couple months I add another so as not to suddenly have him have no bills at all. That would trigger suspicion. Out of sight out of mind. I switched his one account that I pay lots of his bills from to email statements that go to me. So far he hasn’t asked where the statement is, but if he does I’ll say that bank doesn’t send them out every month anymore. It’s all very frustrating and no fun to lie to them, but when you can’t reason with someone because their brain is broken, it’s necessary.

"Mom, you have X amount of money in the bank, and even if you didn't, I'd make sure that you have everything you need and then some." The underlying concern may be financial security or leaving an inheritance. If she brings up the latter, "If it's yours, we can spend it all on you. That's not a concern for me."

I've used variations of these after other family members made things difficult for my mom. "We can control our behavior, but no one else's. We will take care of what we can."

It's good that you are POA and are taking care of her finances. Can you redirect her anxieties about finances by telling her that she has enough money to last for many years and she doesn't have to worry about her finances? My mother also went through a stage of anxiety about finances (and also about being able to stay where she was in a continuing care residence). The phase eventually passed. Please don't take it personally that your mother has these anxieties and suspicions. These are common syptoms of dementia. You are doing a wonderful thing caring for her. Sadly, as dementia progresses, people do not give back much to their caregivers. It can become a very selfless act of kindness. All the best to you and your family.

You have to keep monthly accounts of every penny in and every penny out of Mom's finances anyway. So why not give her a simple copy of that.
I did that with my brother. I made a list of assets in for the month (SS, etc.) and of money out (Supplemental insurance, phone, ALF bill, dental bill, and etc.). Then gave him every 6 months a list of all assets (for instance Trust Account, Checking Account, etc) . He has a looseleaf notebook and put each months in that and felt so much better.
If you are POA and your Mom isn't competent to do her own now, then it is your job, but there is no reason you cannot sit with her for an hour once a month to discuss and explain. At the point she isn't able to understand any of it at all she won't even ask about any of it at all.
You have a Fiduciary duty to keep your Mom informed to the extent you CAN do. Only you can assess what is possible. As I said, you have to keep these records in any case.

I'm my 93-yr old mom's DPoA. She just very mild memory loss and the bare beginnings of dementia. She was raised in NYC and lived as a single mom, working and taking care of herself independently all those years. She asks to see her bank statements every month, and I show her (I'm joint on her account). It doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

Maybe you should have your mom spend less time with her friend. Maybe the friend only has supervised visits and if she veers the conversation into the paranoia department, redirect the conversation and don't let her linger on it, If all else fails, ask her what today's date is and who is the President and Vice President. Show your Mom her friend is having issues.

Also consider that your Mom may now have the beginnings of dementia/paranoia herself. Don't feel hurt -- this is only the tip of the iceberg if she lives long enough to develop full dementia.

Last night my 100-yr old Aunt got angry at me when I was wiping her private area and accused me of being a "professional a** toucher" (LOL!)

Sometimes we cant handle things on our own, just put all your problems in God and he will help you. God is waiting to hear from you so he can help you through all your problems.....

I just say to mom, I manage your money for you and you are doing just fine! That tends to nip it in the bud. I realize every person and every scenario is different, so I don't know if that will work for you and your mom. I know what you mean though...you do all this work and all you get for it are accusations. I don't think I would handle it well if my mom flat out accused me of stealing from her.

Can you help your mom find a new friend? LOL

I would just say, that is why you live with us....so you don't have to worry about a thing! You don't think I would let anything happen to your money do you? Then, try to deflect the conversation to something else

My mother's money quickly got spent down to Medicaid for her care (2013-14). After my brother (POA) took over my mother's affairs and her bill paying, Mom would often ask, "Is there still X-dollars in my bank? My brother replied only, "Was", and Mom would forget. You see, she was 94 at the time and in mental decline but not dementia.

Repeat after me: There is nothing personal in the disease of Dementia. When you think of it as a disease, then you can compare it to other diseases, like Cancer. There is nothing personal about Cancer or Covid or pneumonia or........................

My mother started telling my brother that I was stealing from her (even though she qualified for Medicaid and had nothing to steal); this happened after she had a heart attack. I, of course, was embarrassed, but mostly crushed by the person I loved the most. Her doctor told me that heart attacks cut off the oxygen to the brain and that hallucinations are common: and, so it is with anything that affects the brain. After all, that's where our imagination lives. Perhaps she and her friend might want to go to Assisted Living together, where money issues are discussed anymore?

I have quit explaining momma's finces and the will to her. She has never understood any of it and when it does come up ahe is not asking for herself. Other family members are just pumping her for information. I just tell her that I have it under control and leave it at that.

bethny58: There is zero rationale with an individual who suffers from dementia. Discontinue showing your mother bank statements, online or otherwise. Also, perhaps she should spend less time with this troublesome friend.

Might want to have a weekly or twice a month "meeting" where you go over her finances with her. Explain each withdrawal and explain the balance is how much money is still in her accounts. Might want to also limit contact with this "friend" until friend's family gets him/her on anti-anxiety medications.

Good to know that you have the POA in place. Kudos for taking care of that "official need". Since you are the POA, you have every right to limit negative or less than helpful "friends " who have issues themselves and project this onto your mother. Speak with this "friends" family and, limit or restrict these visits/phone calls etc. After affirming your mother's need to be included in her finances, find a respectful way that works for you to do so, then redirect to positive things the anxiety producing conversations that your mother may want to have. Be sure to find time for your self care as "caregiver exhaustion" is real and I hear you saying, 'you don't need another thing to do". Understandable. Be sure you are exploring ways others may help you to address your own self care so that you can remain healthy and strong for the long haul. Your mother may be simply grieving her loss of control over her independence which includes finances; addressing her "through a lens of grief" may offer one way to gently and lovingly help.

"I am busy right now, can you check back with me in an hour." Then repeat just like she is doing