My wife and I have been caring for my father for the last six years. He is now 100+ and asked that he would like to age in place in the home he built. We agreed to help as it suited my wife and I best at the time. The kids had all moved out and we had planned to sell our house to downsize. I have five siblings. Four live hundreds of miles away and I have one brother a mile away who does nothing to help. Two years ago my father came to my wife and I and said he wanted to give us his home for everything we do for him. We told him that was too much and the conversation stopped for a few months. He then came back and said "I want to sell you my home for $100,000 and then your brothers and sisters will each get $20,000 when I pass and the home will be yours". I thought that was fair, given that my wife is his caretaker 24/7 and can't work. He changed his will and as soon as he did, two of my brothers and two of my sisters started to call him, yelling at him, telling him how unfair that is. My oldest brother is the only one who said we deserve it and took our side. I explained to my siblings that if we hadn't stepped in, dad would have had to sell the house and move into a home. That money would be gone by now. The best outcome for them would have been for dad to hand his home over to the Mason's and they would own the house once dad passed. They didn't see it that way. Instead, my one brother dropped off what I call a 'ransom letter' stating they wouldn't accept anything less than $40,000 each, which meant they expected us to purchase the home for $200,000. Things got bad for a few weeks where they would plan staged attacks where one would call after another, yelling at my father and asking if he had changed the will yet. My father couldn't sleep, was getting headaches and feeling terrible. After two weeks he told me to "shut them up and give them what they want", so we had the will amended. I want to know if anyone else has had this happen. I no longer talk to these people and I now find them to be disgusting people who will emotionally beat up a 100 year old man for money. I also had two siblings tell me that dad could never come up with this on his on, basically accusing me of coercion. Everyone I talk to agrees with me, just reaching out to see if there is something I am missing in all this to justify there actions.
This is done now. Best simply to ignore the siblings. Make "family" of decent people in the world and let the "family of blood" alone. Time to move on. You will feel enormous relief once you release this.
Your father's mistake, however, was his rather romantic belief that all of his children would appreciate his attempt to divide his estate both generously and fairly. He would have done better to exclude all of you from the decision, and to seek the services of an attorney in drawing up the will he wants to see executed in due course.
He can still do that, if he wants, you know.
I don't think u can bill siblings for the care you give Dad. You volunteered to help him. And if you felt you should be paid, Dad should have done it and it would have been less for the siblings.
I tell my girls what we have put aside will go for our care. They don't expect anything. Really, we parents are not entitled to leave our children anything.
When people act like their inheritance is being spent in elder care or a facility , they are wrong . That money is retirement money to take care of the person until they pass . There is no inheritance until someone dies.
My sister was trying to get my mother to give her engagement ring to her . My sister berated my mother over it because my mother was skipping all her 4 daughters and the will said her only granddaughter was to get the ring. This granddaughter is my daughter. I have been no contact with this toxic sister for years. My mother on her own finally gave the ring to me to give to my daughter ( the granddaughter that mom wanted to have the ring ).
My sister called the lawyer and accused me of orchestrating that . She wanted to contest the will . The probate lawyer told me that whoever my mother gave the ring to before she dies keeps the ring. My mother gave it to me to give to my daughter , she had a moment of clarity (dementia) about a month before she died and told me she wanted to be sure the right person got the ring.
My sister must have been aware that if she got my mother to give her the ring then she would have kept it . I’m sure my sister was doing this so my daughter would not have the ring. My crazy sister even told me that I gave my mother the only granddaughter on purpose to make my mother happy.
By my calculations that would be $200,000 -$50,000 = $150,000
Divide that by 5, and they each get $30,000.
Oops -- let's not forget final expenses, too, so he'll need a $5,000 funeral at the least (that's conservative). I'm going to assume the plot has already been bought and paid for, so we'll stick with $5,000.
New calculations:
$200,000-50,000-5,000= $145,000
Divide by 5 = $29,000 each, and if they know what's good for them, they'll take it and shut up.
If it was me, I would bring your F to a lawyer to get the will changed back.
This is just another example of why the pay-as-you-go method of caregiving is the way to go. People pussyfoot around it, because so many act high and mighty about no way will they be paid for taking care of their parents. But the still think they need payment of a sort once the parent is gone (being deeded the house, for example).
I'm curious as to how your wife feels, since she's the one who's been disrespected and taken for granted by everyone.
Maybe thats what you need to do when the time comes. Put the house back into the estate. Sell it for as much as you can get and then split the proceeds among you all the siblings. Then you just walk away. Or, pay the 200k and then sell it hopefully for lost more and walk away. Siblings can't come after u because you all went by the Will and signed off that your agreed to the accting.
She didn't have much of an estate and her 3 kids knew it. My mom was the only child who 'took care' of Gma, although she was spunky and independent well into her 90's.
One sibling had not seen her for years when she died. She was furious about the will, b/c gma stated that if ANYONE 'kicked up a stink' about the way she dispersed her things, that person would get $1 and her eternal disdain. Mom had an envelope with her sister's name on it and a $1 bill inside, just in case.
What could the aunt do? Gma discussed her will with mom and no one else.
What you choose to leave people, or not, is a personal decision. It's NOT a 'given' and tho most people tend to divide things equally--that's not always the case.