The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Notry etc, You are talking to salespeople, they are putting some effort into you, and yes they want the sale agreed ASAP, even if it’s for the future. Perhaps you could be quite precise about what you want to know, so that they don’t spend 2 hours talking fluff around the important points. That would be a kindness to them, to match you feeling fine about wasting their time.

Changing from my usual topics, I have some questions.

We and my wife's sister have a financial investment person. We have our finances in order as retired people. Do we need some other kind of financial person to help us organize to move into a continuous care place?

The only thing that sis and I need to do is set up our residences to sell.

We are not ready to move yet, but many of the people at these continuous care places sound like vultures. They want a decision today when I am just doing research. As I explained to one person, they want me to defend a doctoral dissertation before I have even prepared the proposal and had it approved.

Yoda, I was confused about that because I didn't think it narcolepsy was curable

Hi,

Correction.

I meant to say that Narcolepsy is not curable. It is only treatable.

My sons and sis are concerned about this and she watches me like an eagle. Thus, her new nickname, eagle eye. My wife, however, is used to seeing me and sis as the strong ones. Thus, she doesn't see what the rest of us see in myself or in sis. Sis is a stage 4 ovarian cancer survivor from back in 2000 with complications related to her treatment. We are no longer the mighty warriors that we once were. We are the same team that we became over several decades. We are prepared and rather certain that at some point, we are together going to just have to take charge for everyone's benefit and our own survival. This reciprocal platonic relationship is a great blessing. It is by far the deepest platonic relationship that I've ever experienced, but that out of necessity. We have been the mental health jedi of the family and each of us feel like going to an island far far away like Luke Skywalker did. We are not depressed like he was. We are tired. She tries to make my life easier as much as she can and I do the same. Recently, things developed such that she's invited me to the empty duplex next to her when I feel a need to escape.

Thanks for listening to this cranky old man. My psych says that I have earned the right to be a cranky old man at this point. Maybe so.

I see this in myself as I have seen it also in others. I have seen that being the caretaker of one's spouse changes the dynamics of the relationship. It is further adjusted when you as the caregiver are diagnosed with a neurological disorder like narcolespsy which is curable and takes time to get someone rightly medicated plus waiting months to see a qualified specialist to begin the journey.

I am having to wait until June. My SIL, my wife and I are looking for a place in Greensboro, NC for the three of us to move to for continuing care, i.e. independent living, assisted living, and nursing home at some point.

Out of necessity, Sis, as I call her, and I are taking on the majority of this task. She has already had some interaction with Moses Cone hospital there and as a cancer survivor needs such a place. During our chat, I did a quick search for neurologists who specialize in narcolepsy. Wow! They have 4 whereas Duke only has 1 or 2. I am calling that place in the morning to see if my PC can refer me to a doctor there and they can see me sooner. Two years ago, Duke Hospital and Moses Cone Hospital were ranked equally.

...if you're from a dysfunctional family, you probably haven't heard a real thanks in a while, if ever. so for all us caregivers here on the forum, i'll say it loud and clear:

THANK YOU for being your amazing self!
🙂🙂🙂🍀🍀🍀🐾🐾🐾
🐶🐶🐶

🙂
"Make room for the right people to enter your life by clearing out those who don't belong."

I can't believe that NAMI would post this quote. It says nothing we don't already know and gives us no hope for it to ever take place.

"It’s good to be a shoulder, cheerleader, friend, or support system; but remember, you deserve as good as you give.” Liz Faulblas

We know this, but who gets it and from where?

An older family member is spending money wildly online. Is there a software made to protect them from such sites like there are for children.?

🙃

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

🙂 "I'm not grumpy in the morning. I'm just selective with my kindness."

🙃 “Don’t forget to shout ‘Jenga!’ when everything falls apart.”

words of wisdom 🥰

“Don't take advice from people who don't have to live with the results.”

I have now found a real narcolepsy specialist to see. However, he is booked until the first of June. They tell me up there that they have so many cancellations it is possible I may see him sooner. Since I'm really not to drive right now, I will arrange transportation once I know more.

My sister-in-law is driving down on Tuesday to take all of us on a retreat that she wants all of us to attend. She is doing all of this driving because I should not drive and the pain meds that my wife takes make it illegal plus unwise for her to drive. Or that is what her pain doctors say.

My sister-in-law and I are the strong ones in this family. We have been through thick and thin plus had each other's backs for decades. However, our strength is declining. My wife, her identical twin sister, is upset that the source of her security is no longer Rambo and Super Woman. Well, we aren't.

🙂 “My therapist says it’s your fault I blame everyone for my problems.”

🙂 “My therapist says you need a therapist.”

Yoda, I have to admit I may of been a bit of a flee yesterday, but it was also a tad bit fun.

Had a get together at moms yesterday, my golden child, decorated officer brother was there. He knows I will not accept anything other than treated corgerly from him. He was decent, but he also kept going in any room that I was not in. So I would conveniently go in that room, he would wait a bit then get up go into another room. Well I couldn't resist going into that room also, and was extra friendly to him

I suppose it was a bit flee like but I have to admit it gave me the 🤭 giggles.

One of the things I loved best about my mom was how we could sit quietly on a park bench appreciating nature. Neither of us feeling the need to talk. Just enjoying one another's presence.

Yoda, I think I would enjoy just sitting and not talking with you.

Most of the men 70 and over, talk a lot, and a lot about nothing. 😆

Anxietynacy,

Thanks. The main part that I was not sure of is where I said that in the future about all I'm going to want to do is sit with various people whose presence I enjoy and just enjoy being with them without having to have to have to discuss anything because most of it has already been discussed unless of course there is something new that needs discussing.

Very good, pull away and heal. Let them squirm & not be happy. That is because they can't use you as the source of their happiness. If they want to be happy, then they have to put themselves on a healthier path like we who take responsibility for our lives now instead of blaming things on our past victimhood.

Truly, by 18, if not before, people need to be launched by their parents moving out of childhood and if need be get help to move out of victimhood and as soon as realistically move into adulthood. So many are living in the wrong hood! :)

Yoda, it was understandable, and very interesting, I enjoyed your story, thank you.

And yes I'm healing, and pulling away, and some are none to happy. But I just don't care. 😁

I am discovering another dimension of caregiving and dysfunctional families.

It has to do when two people have worked hard to work through the trauma of their past and no longer live in the victim mode which another family member remains in. They are used to drawing their sense of security from us two as the strong ones, but that's not where we are anymore.

For various health reasons other than age, we find this more and more difficult. We do give each other breaks but at some point, they will not be able to give me a break because they are rightly going to need to pull back at some point to protect themselves. We keep in touch with each other and support each other, but at some point, it will not longer be reasonable nor kind for me to expect much support from them.


Frankly, over 40 years, we have been to hell and back for each other and with each other amid various trials, a great majority of which have involved this relative who still lives in a victim mode. Folks, we are tired!

Right now, I can no longer drive and they are helping out which is very kind. They are basically without anyone else they can trust and they can't trust this one who is still in a victim mode of life after years of being in therapy. They have wisely chosen my youngest son to be their medical POA of attorney. This is a wise move because who knows, if they had chosen me, I may not be available when needed, but he will. All in all, they have come to trust me and my youngest son.

We each feel like tired warriors. My youngest son sees this and has commented. He realizes how difficult things will become when either of the two of us kick the bucket if that is before this relative in the victim mode does.

I no longer feel as extroverted as I once did which my relative mentioned over our Christmas trip. Nope and one day, if and when I get ultra old, I'd like to just sit with just a few people at times for a while in quietness and peace doing nothing more than enjoying each other's presence. Unless, there is something new needing to be talked about, other subjects will not because we will have already talked about them.

It is quite different hearing a person who is no longer living as a victim share about their past and as time goes on, they tell me more and more. They also listen well to me as I've told them various things that I went through.

I'm not sure if what I just wrote is comprehensible, but it is to me.

Healthwise, my current journey appears to be one of discovering what my real health problem has been since I was 46 contrary to earlier medical diagnosis. It makes sense and if true, it explains other problems that developed because that one was not caught and treated earlier. There's no cure for this and thankfully it's not cancer, but it can be treated. Right now, my doctor and I are looking for the right medicine or combination of medicines that will work. So far, 4 have failed.

My retirement economy is fine and improving with my son's help. My house is in good shape and continues to increase in value. I bought a very good quality car years ago that remains solid. While I used to be one of the best dressed in my former work life, I now purposely dress down. I'm clean, and neat, but dressed very much down from where I was. I only buy quality clothes still, but more on the dress-down side. More and more, I find a lot of pleasure in the simple and the small. I no longer want the big experiences of life. I've had more than enough. I'm content. However, some people give me so much that I in turn give it to others who need it more than I do. I think the younger people call this minimalism.

My two favorite phrases lately are adulting and hood. Upon examination, so many problems today boil down to two things. 1. A lack of adulting appropriate for their years and 2. still living in one of two hoods, i.e. childhood or victimhood.

Thanks for listening to this cranky old man whose psych says I've earned the right to be whatever that means.

🙂 “Be reasonable, just do it my way.”

funny quote for today 🙂

"I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying I'm blaming you."

Golden I definitely will take your advice. I'm not going backwards anymore. Maybe for a week or so if something happens, but I'll be putting my big girl panties right back on. 🤪

Way, I don't know if you have seen the show yellow stone. I was just at tractor supply, waisting time on a rainy Sunday. Found my favorite tee shirt ever! 🤗😁. It has the yellow stone emblem and says " Don't make me go Beth Dutton on you!" I'm never taking this shirt off. 😂 It makes me feel strong. But ya gotta know the show to get it. If you can find something that makes you feel impowered.

nacy - that's why I couldn't spend much time with mother. It was too hard on my emotions. That's not a failure on your or my part but an indication of the state of the relationship which has evolved between the two of you. If it is too hard on you emotionally do what you have to do to protect yourself. Distance and detach physically and emotionally. Give yourself time and space to heal. and to figure out what works for you.

way - as you say, mil is not going to change. You will never convince her of anything, and that's not what this is about. Therefore you and dh have to change to get a different outcome.

I think it's really about boundaries, and setting yours at "No, we are not going to talk to our kids about their decisions re contacting you," Then add another boundary which is "And we are not discussing it any more." End of story.

Change the subject or find a reason to leave the room or , if you want to, stay there and let her run her gamut of unpleasantness and don't respond to any of it. You don't need to placate or please her. Work on detaching.

I have watched mother work herself up into a rage while i stayed cool and said nothing. She didn't need a response to work herself up. Then afterwards I needed space to deal with my feelings as I was not totally detached. Her rages still affected me. I detached more and more as time went on so when she was near the end and said nasty things, it bothered me much less - as if a stranger had said it.

If your feel up to it, commiserate with her "Yes we understand that you would like to talk to them more often but we are not getting involved."

You don't have to explain any further, or justify your decision or discuss it any more or even listen to her discuss it further. It seems dh has trouble saying "No" to his mother. Let him practice it before you go there. Tell her you are not discussing it any more and stick to that. Don't let her bait you with guilt trips or frailty or "I'm getting old and I should be able to see my grandchildren" or whatever. Mother called me rude when I wouldn't go along with plans which were very hurtful to me. I simply left the room without a word, and later that day when she was out I packed up and went to a hotel. and never stayed with her again. I stayed in a hotel on future visits so I had an escape.

You know how she will respond. Plan a way out that does not include further discussion of that subject. "BTW I like your new haircut." "Isn't the weather great" "We're tired, we must lie down for a nap." "I'm going for a walk now."

Set your boundaries before you go there. Plan your responses to her. Know she isn't going to like it when you don't play her game. That's on her. It's OK if she doesn't like it. That's not for you or dh to fix.

There's no need to put up with behaviour from her that you wouldn't put up with fro anyone else.

Waytomisery If you Google how to emotionally detach from certain people in your life, it may help you

Way, I'm working on the gray rock method, I think it's going to take some practice.

Something I read said when I go to moms, do a kind of ritual so I feel like I'm at a job, like where the same shirt or something, I thought that was great advice . That won't work in your case, waytomisery

Gray rocking my family in the sence when I'm not with them is getting easier and easier it's just when I see them my emotions get the better of me.

For me I will never forget that they picked my abusive ex over me. Forgive yes, because I don't want to hold that resentment inside of me. But trust or complete forgiveness is just not ever going to happen.

So I'll let ya know how the gray rocking goes, and see what happens. It's probably a good thing to learn in life anyways .

MIL is not going to get past what she thinks the kids should do as far as visiting her . She thinks it’s required . Telling her it’s their decision what they do or they are in charge of their own lives just won’t work . I’ll say it , but she will say that’s not the “ right thing “ for them to do . She thinks that her way is always the right way .

I can’t tell her why they don’t visit . It’s not my place and no one else wants to tell her why . I don’t blame them , there is no reasoning with her . She has always twisted things around . It also would just be the Pandora’s box that MIL wants open . This is why she keeps trying to wear DH down . She wants to talk to the kids in person . She hasn’t gotten the opportunity to interrogate them or state her demands to them in a few years . Everyone just tells her the kids are busy . I’m the only one that has told her that I don’t tell my kids what to do when she gets on my case about doing something about it .

Grey rock we’ve tried , it works sometimes very briefly and change the subject. But she will often revisit that topic multiple times in our visit . I would never suggest she call my kids ( to give them grief) . I would never tell her why they don’t visit because she would call them and give them grief . The kids call her a few times a year and have a brief conversation . They say she gives a guilt trip about visiting. MIL has a history of wanting to be too involved when the kids were young and wanting too much of a say in their lives . We had to go no contact for awhile when they were young to get the message across .

I think I may say to her that my kids make their own decisions of how to live their lives and she should not be so concerned.
And that what she really should be focused on is the fact that she ignores her decline and the need to make plans for it .