Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.
Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?
Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity
cmag - prayers for you both ongoing
I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.
What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about
What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else
What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences
Have a good night.
emjo- I can see what you're saying about the Rockies trip every day here with Mom. There is so much she could be enjoying and just won't. it's such a shame. Sorry you are still feeling sick! Get better soon. I'll bet you'll be singing "glad it's over" instead of Happy Birthday. Why does everything have to be such a drama? Some of us really don't need or want that. Yet we are supposed to fix it. You are very wise and I know you've worked hard to be detached. Hugs.
Jessie- thinking of you, girl! So glad you found this site. Hugs.
Enough for me tonight. bath,then bed.
Lots of drugs for sure, cmag. Heavy ones from the psychiatrist,.that could affect weight and sleep. I am on an low dose antidepressant for fibromyalgia and end up cutting up pills as a dose between the two lowest ones works best. If I take more I can't sleep. Periodically I try less, but it hasn't worked so far.
It seems most of us should be taking Vit D. A warning for you about Zyrtec - people can have some bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it. I did. Eventually, with careful weaning I got off it, but it took a couple of months at least.
Ten medicines sounds like a lot for anybody. It would even be a chore to take them! I don't know what they are all for, but I guess if your doctor prescribed them, he/she must have known why. I am never afraid to question the logic of doctors, though. Even the best ones can over-prescribe at times.
hugs and prayers
There has to be some interaction between all the drugs you are on and also side effects. Most antidepressants cause weight gain, and the lethargy likely is a side effect.
prayers
" I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her."
.
Oh yes, The rings a bell! Everything sounds so logical, but if you step back, and look at the bigger picture, it isn't.
jessie - too - It isn't you, it is them, but we are so conditioned from childhood to think it is our fault and that we are responsible for their happiness.
jonath - welcome and please do share with us how you became immune. I am sure it took some work. Good for you for staying on your own path in life. What is a whole woman anyway? We can talk physical, emotional etc. I have known some people who were not physically or mentally whole. but were emotionally whole.
brandy (((((hugs)))) I know it is hard with your own pain, your husband's decline, and your mum and then a bossy sister on top of that. Hope you find some ways to make it easier for you and draw some boundaries with your sis and mum. It must drag you down.
We are in the throes of mother and my sister (main gopher - her turn this time) organizing a birthday party for mother, and mother asking 3 people to do the same thing, but not informing the others. It ends up with confusion and hurt feelings. I have seen this before, so did some checking with a relative and we are sorting one part out behind the scenes. I have had 5 emails today with variations of the same request (demand) and more will come. Thankfully, I am detached. And all of this has to be done immediately, if not sooner. I have flu, and an infection and get coughing spells, so this is not a good time for me to be on the phone much. I haven't even mentioned it because things like that don't sink in. - the way it always has been.
My theme song is "I will survive!"
love and hugs everyone ♥
jo
Mom will come into the kitchen and sit facing away from us. When she's in a mood, which is most of the time, she answers with only a word or two. I had set some cookies on the counter, then saw them later in the garbage. I asked her "Didn't you want the cookies?" her response was "I threw them away, didn't I?" When I said that I was asking because I was wondering why she didn't want them, I was told that's not what I actually said, and I could see that she didn't want them because she had thrown them away. Needles to say, I won't be buying anymore cookies for her. I didn't bake the cookies, package them, or even pick them out (Dad did), so I know it wasn't me. But in the heat of the moment, I thought I was stupid for asking her wrong. I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her.
If I say something to her about it, she will say "I'm just not a morning person." But I know she is not a morning, afternoon, evening, or night person. She is just a mean and spiteful woman. How she got that way, I don't know. I'm sorry she never chose to deal with it, and expected everyone else to make special allowances for her.
My mother controls with her mood. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And mom is never happy. notlikemom, you are so right that it is not us.
Brandy-hugs to you. I too feel like I can do no right, only wrong. Learning to realize that I really am RIGHT, and what's wrong with me is that I'm not mean and nasty like her. Trust you instincts. I think you are perfect just the way you are. And a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. More hugs.
Cmag-please keep us posted. Continued prayers.
JinO-Good to meet you. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. I think that's the best kind of relationship-where both people realize how lucky they are to have found each other. Would you please explain how you became immune to your family's dysfunction? Would like to know more about your journey.
Mom's turned on Dad again this week. It hurts to see him being the whipping boy. I don't know how or why he continues this over and over.
While not as bad as either my or my wife's family or origin, we had our own dysfunctionalism as a result of what we went through despite the fact that we each wanted better for our boys. However, before each left home my wife had made significant progress with her mother issues and I've made a lot of progress. Thus, we feel closer together and will be better parents for our adult children who are in college.
We are back home from my wife's biopsy. The procedure was not as bad as my wife expected. We might learn the results as early as Wed. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated.
Nothing you can do about the blood if she doesn't want to admit it. I suppose you or your dad could mention it to her doctor.
She will likely "push" whatever she can - as I said - it is what they do. I think you handled the supper thing very well. Re your serving plates, I would be inclined to say that you like them. Mother used to want to go shopping for clothes with me when I visited her. She would pick out things that she wanted me to have, push me to try them on, and then sit and makes comments - not all complimentary. Finally I said "Don't you think I dress well? Most people think I do." Her answer was that she thought I would like her opinion, as my sister did. I said no I don't, I can pick out my own clothes, and BTW my sister doesn't appreciate your advice either. They don't do subtle. That was the last shopping trip we went on. Not true - we happened to be in a mall a few years ago and I saw black leather jackets on sale. I should have waited and gone back alone. She kept pushing me to try on larger sizes and different styles - like guy's jackets. The clerks were very good and kept doing the right things. Finally she gave up and went outside the shop to wait till I was finished. There was a very "trendy" sort of bad girl jacket, I might have bought had I been on my own. It did look nice in but, the mama interference was too much. Aaargh - the big and little ways they try to control.
Emjo-darn, I was spelling nar. by copying you. If you had typos, so do I! LOL Tonight Mom came and asked me what I was thinking for supper. I told her, nicely, we had it figured out. We're eating up frozen pizza rolls because there's too much snow for delivery. True colors came out a little while later when hubby made a joke about not saying things in front of the 'children.' She walked past me and said "We're the parents, not the children." Can't take a joke on a good day, can take it even less when I spoil her thunder by not doing dinner with her. I'm not surprised. If she pushes it, I'm going to tell her he was talking about the "furry" children - our dogs. Not my fault if she assumed it was about her or if she didn't like the joke.
Still praying for you and your wife, Cmag.
You certainly do live in depressing circumstances. It must be very hard. I hope you get out for some "you" time -some activities away from that depressing environment just for you.
talking things out is great - helps a lot.
notlike - glad I could affirm whast you were thinking. I totally support you reclaiming your life.You can only change you, but sometimes others change a bit, once you have. And sometimes they don't. In any case you will be doing better. I expect there will be some challenges - narcissists don't give up easily, but if you stay firm you will succeed and she will settle down. Let us know and will will walk through it with you.
cmag - if you can get to a computer - thinking of you and your wife - prayers going out
Sorry your mum has had a stroke and was mistreated in an NH. There are many siblings who so not step up the bat, and take their turns. You are not alone in your frustrations. You do have some serious concerns. Does the POA not mean you (or whoeevr has it) can regulate what money is given away? That needs to happen apparently. I think it is shameful that your sibs have taken what they have, Good for you for straightening some things out with your mum present!
You say you are ready to walk away, that you have health issues, and that you are neglecting you husband and family. You are not alone there either, and it is a terrible place to be.
One thing I think you can count on is that your sibs will not change. They sound totally self centered. I would not worry about pleasing or displeasing them. It sounds like some boundaries need to be drawn to keep them in their places, and I would not even listen to requests for this and that. You can hang up the phone or ignore emails, or simply say you are not going to discuss it.
I am not clear on how much your stepdad can do for your mum, and how much help she needs more than he can give. If it is your mum's decision to return to her home, she will experience the consequences. It may not have been the wisest decision, but if she is coimpetent she can make it, There are ALFs where husband and wife can live together and recieve various levels of help. You cannot look after yourself and your family, and do more than a certain amount for your mum. Can you research alternatives for them and when you tell your mum you cannot keep going on like this, present her with some alternatives - like an ALF or home care coming in? There may be resources available in their community.You say you would have brought her to your home. That is a whole other kettle of fish and is very challenging for most.
Can you emotionally detach from your sibs? They seem to be causing a good deal of your stress. Detaching is not easy, but it helps a lot in these situations. I have detached from my sis, as I get nothing but trouble from her, and she has not been helpful. It makes life easier for me. What she thinks of me is her business, not mine, and does not affect how I think about myself. To detach you have to give up those hopes of having a positive "normal" relationship, and face the (often) unpleasant realities. This may sound cold and had towards the sibs, but really it is being self protective. I have one "sister" by blood, but many who were strangers at one point!
I am so glad that your husband is supportive.
Many ((((((((hugs)))))) are come back and vent some more and let us know how you are doing. if you fill out your profile people will get a better idea about your circumstances.
jo
What a horrible childhood. I know the "Don't upset Mother" part and the loneliness. I agree that you do not owe your parents, and it is a tribute to you that you have taken this on. "We are not the Waltons". Oh, yes!
I am sorry about the negative changes you are finding in yourself- waking up not looking forward to the day, not enjoying food, worry, anger, and the waiting mode. Are you sure there is no depression? There could be situational depression due to circumstances, and it seems to me there is enough going on in your life to affect you that way. You must be grieving the split with your husband as well as this big change in lifestyle and responsibilities. That is a lot going on in one life!
On the other hand thinking about starting a WOW group is positive.
Re the feeling of waiting for something - wonder if it would be worthwhile examining what it is you are waiting for - something to do with your hubby, something to do with your parents, something to do with you and your life. I have read that introspective, intuitive people can feel that way. Is this a new feeling for you since you came back the your parents home? I can imagine a few things I would be waiting for/wondering about in your situation (without knowing many details of it ). I would be wondering about: my marital relationship - you say you are separated but have not mentioned divorce, I would be wondering how long I will have to/ be able to caregive, I would be wondering what my future holds.
Big, big changes and losses in many ways - of your old lifestyle and triggers from your childhood of the loneliness and emptiness.
Let us know how you are doing and if you start that WOW group!
Have a good day - I think you will find that venting and sharing helps.
jo