The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sometimes narcississm is caused by spoiling and over indulging. Mom has some of that and then her parents divorced. She was always from that day forward "poor pitiful me". Uses it as an excuse to not do something for people. Just had a conversation with her today. I told her she was always welcomed to come live with me in Florida if she so decided. Just wanted her to know she has more than one child (my brother is king). She told me thank you, but I will go to a nursing home when and if I need it. She said because she knows how hard it is to care for a elderly parent. Please, her Dad had a heart attack and died, and her Mom had cancer and her Mom's husband cared for her. Mom did almost nothing.
But I am glad she made that statement since I really don't want to deal with her. The chickens will come home to roost.

I just went on the DONM site and was shocked. Except for personal appearance, my mother fit each characteristic. My mother has never cared how she dressed or looked. I used to be ashamed of the awful way she looked when I was young. But somehow I figured out when I was young that she didn't love her husband and children.

So much written is true of my mother. She loves it when others fail and ignores when they succeed. She used to use bad things we did as teenagers to go out and gossip with the neighbors about "ain't it awful."

It is sad that she has gone through a life of not loving. I wonder what could have caused it in her. Her father and mother were both warm, caring people. I knew that my mother had many narcissistic traits, but didn't know she fit into the narcissistic mother category. I guess because she has always looked so awful.

I fell off the detachment wagon this week and got sucked into whirlpool of emotion. My father is having home health come in. He doesn't like being around people, so he has been in his doomed mood. My mother has been confused. I have been trying to navigate, but no matter what I do, it is the wrong thing. I've been reaching to pull myself out of the whirlpool, but I keep getting pulled back in. Right now I'm hiding in my room, drinking a warm cup of strong coffee, and enjoying being with my rabbits. Rabbits have great healing properties. When the world turns crazy, all one has to do is pet a rabbit and feel better. They are magic like that.

I emailed the families of my two brothers and got responses from my SILs. One was supportive as always. She and my brother took care of her mother for many years before she died, so they know what I'm going through. My other SIL is very religious and sent back a very odd email about how all that was going on was to glorify God and to sanctify our souls, quoting scripture. Okay. Her email came across sounding judgmental and cold. I never say much to them, because I know we don't have a fun bunch of people in this house, but sometimes I want to say, "You talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." If Jesus was here, I know he would come and sit and hold my father's hand.

Yesterday my mother and father had not wanted to have OT & PT for my father anymore. So I cancelled the appointments. Then my mother got mad that Dad wasn't trying and said he was committing suicide. So one day she wants to cancel. Then we cancel and she flies into a rage. I wish I could say for sure it was dementia, but she isn't diagnosed. The OT showed up yesterday, anyway, and my father told her he did want to keep seeing her. She relates well to him -- she must be a treasure to do that! She took time and worked with him. I think she did a lot of good. She even made him show a spark of life. I knew that she had been sent to him because she was someone he needed. There are angels walking among us.

My mother didn't like her because she said the OT worked Dad too hard. I hope she doesn't poison that water. Today she started in on him about the income taxes. Goodness! I can do the taxes if I need to. I don't know why she is fretting him about them just now. He has had a trying week.

Something that occurred to me yesterday is that we caregivers go through a lot and keep going. Caregivers sure do rock! Proud to be one.

My mother woke up this morning in a very quiet mood. Actually, she was pouting because she wasn't getting her way about where we would go shopping today. After we had breakfast I realized she wasn't going to shower and dress at all. So, I showered, got dressed and went out by myself (was gone for only 20 minutes). Now she has a terrible headache and walks around the house talking about how lightheaded she feels. My punishment for going out without her. :) I gave her a Tylenol and suggested she lie down and rest. Since she's been in bed she's asked me to check her blood pressure, take her temperature, need a glass of juice and of course needed to go to the bathroom. I know it's a small issue but I'm recognizing the narcissistic control. Now I have a headache!!!

Izabelle ((((((hugs))))) wish we were closer too.
jessie has a great idea - use what ever the system will give you - it can't all be up to what your mum wants. You have needs too and big ones, You don't have to stay all night because she doesn't like the nurses - you NEED to take whatever time you can for yourself. My mother doesn't like the help she gest either, and would have me give up my life here with home, my sig other, my kids and grandkids to go and live with her and wait on her hand and foot. - and I know she would complain all the time. I can't do it - it would finish me one way or another. They don't like it, but other people can look after them - maybe even better than you can as they have detachment and training. If your mum has gone onto heart failure then I would think she may need different care than you can give her. And remember - no guilt. Talk to a social worker at the hospital, or the dept of aging care. or anyone who can help (I don't know the American system as I am in Canada) and tell them what you ared up against with your health and your son's health, and your mother. Know my prayers are still with you! Since she is already in hospital can they keep her to do all the tests?
cmag - I don't think anyone worries about your grammatical errors or even notices them - your input is so valuable. Looks like you have the financial things in order now - a good attny is necessary.
hi sballen51 and welcome - a narcissistic mum and all the negative energy is a very hard one to deal with. I am not an only child, but my sister is the golden girl ,and I am cinderella - to do the work and take the blame, I was shocked when my mum said she was coming to live near me as she got older, as my sister always expected mother to move near her. They used to holiday toigether -at my mother's expense. The distance had helped me, and a lot of cans of worms were opened when mother moved closer. I had to deal with them. I would never take her into my home (as long as there was ANY other alternative) as I knew she would take over my life. What I have found in the past 15+ years is that I have to work through the anger and hurt from the past, and grieve the mother I needed but never had, in order to detach and distance emotionally. Detaching is not easy, but was necessary for my mental and physical health, and it is what the experts recoimmend when dealing with a narcissist.
ucant -hope your head is better (((hugs)))
marirob - u r welcome. I learn more and more as I google various aspects of narcissism -there is more than one type of narcissists, but they do have some things in common, I know I need to heal from the past, and would rather do that before mother passes, as much as possible. It isn't always over when it is over. I am glad you can share with your sister. Mine is worse than my mother, so that is another closed door for me. You are soi right about the triggers, and getting dragged back down into the morass,
jessie, not all old people are in bad moods - my aunt who died at 97 was as sweet as ever right to the end, and I know others who were. I think you live as you have always lived and if that was negative, it probably gets worse as you get older - it surely is depressing What did you get your dad for Valentines Day?
austin - thanks for your input - it is always good to hear from someone who started to stick up for themselves - that message can't be stressed enough

Please all caregivers - do something good for YOU today. Your needs are equally important as the needs of others!.(at least) It is so easy to get into a codependent relationship with those you care for - BTDT got several T-shirts, not going back. Detachment is not easy, but can be a life saver in a situation with a narcissist.
If I have forgotten anyone, it is not intentional
Love, hugs and prayers for all ♥♥♥
jo


I thought i was getting a handle on first names for those of you who have shared them, but my brain isn't cooperating unless i see the name often

Izabella, is there anyway they can admit her into a NH and take advantage of the 100 day Medicare rehab allowance? It would be a godsend to you if there was a reason to admit her.

Joan.. what can I say that I havnt told you a million times before.. "thank you w/all m/heart".. I wish you were closer so I could give you a big hug in person..

My mom went by ambulance to the hospital yesterday.. I was there for most the night because she doesnt like any of the nurses.. I finally could not stay any longer due to I am still very sore from my surgery.. she went into heart failure.. plus her potassium is way off as are many other things, so they will balance her off and then she will come home to me to care for.. Im trying not to think of that part right now.. I mentioned to the Doc this morning on the phone about her confusion/her all around behavior.. and how it has gotten worse.. he is going to look into that.. I really dont want to think of this road I have ahead of me..

Why do we with a narcissistic parent put up with the verbal and psychological abuse that we would divorce such a spouse for. Because we were trained to and they planted those buttons in us for their emotional blackmail in us long ago so that they could continually hoover us into their drama using fear of making them mad, obligation to their needs alone, and guilt if we even have an idea, feeling or want a life or our own. Occasionally, we even end up with a spouse who is similar to the parent that we have the most difficulty with.

I will get the detachment info on here sometime today.

I think that I need to take the time to review my posts giving how many grammatical errors that I make from time to time. I'll just blame it on being a bit manic when I write these posts.

Good morning, sballen51. I'm glad that what I wrote was helpful.

Sometime today, I'm going to post some information somebody gave me about detachment.

Prayers, love and hug for you as well as for everyone else!

sballen, the negative energy is bad. Sometimes I want to just stay in bed in the morning. I'm in this wonderful little cocoon where all is happy. As soon as I get up, reality hits. Why are old people often in bad moods all the time? It's depressing. I've been stuck at home all week this week because of the home heath people and normal chores. I'm starting to go crazy with it.

{{cmagnum}} for your caring words. I had a good cry after reading them because FINALLY someone understands my pain. I know this journey will hard but with constant prayer and loving support from this site I will survive!!??!!

Just wanted to say good morning before mom wakes up. I'm trying to be thankful for each new day as the "gift" God has given me BUT it's hard knowing that it will start with mom's complaining/criticism. How is everyone else dealing with so much negative energy in their home? I think I resent that more than anything! Yesterday, when she got up I was enjoying a comedy on tv. She immediately started "picking a fight" and trying to push my buttons because she just couldn't be happy if she saw me enjoying myself. So what will it be today???
Love to all!

{{Jo}} for suggesting that website for daughters of nar...mothers! Altho' I had loosened some of the 'shackles' before mother passed in 2009, and the fact that most of my adult life was spent living a considerable distance from her (due to my DH's career choices), I suspect I will learn a lot more from that site. I became aware many years ago that I might have a problem when my then teen daughter told me that my behavior was different when Grandma came to visit. I also sent the URL to my sister who lived close to our parents her whole life. We have often compared notes and helped each other and now we will have a lot more to talk about. I still remember how angry mother was when sis and I began to e-mail each other about 20 years ago and would compare the stories we heard about each other and find out what Really happened! But as Cmag says, the buttons were put in place a long long time ago and can be triggered by the strangest situations. It takes work and setting boundries and a LOT of practice to start on the journey, and there are sometimes "slips" along the way. If you keep trying it gets easier to recognize the triggers and learn to counter them so you don't get dragged back into the morass.
Hugs to all who are caught in the trap and prayers that you find your way out. People all over this site care much for each other and there is support for whatever journey we are undertaking.

sballen51, I'm glad that you found this site and this thread. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your mom up close and personal. I would suggest finding a therapist that can help you deal with these childhood wounds so that you are not so susceptible to your mom pushing your buttons through her emotional blackmail via verbal abuse. I'm an only child also, but as you say, you are not alone. Sad to say, but often as a person gets older whatever their personality is only tends to intensify. That fact alone plus her dementia tells me that at some point her care will go over your head and some tough decisions will end up being made without throwing yourself, etc. under the bus. In my own journey with a narcissistic mother, I've found that there is something about our parent(s) get a lot older that often faces us with unresolved family of origin issues.

I've been in therapy for several years now dealing with my own mom issues which I thought I had more freedom from, plus I did not realize just how deep my anger went nor how much pain my memory had been blocking earlier. What having to deal with that is not good news, the result is good news in that my wife and I feel much closer together which is so important as we have just entered the empty nest stage. She comes from a similar background and after working through her issues before I did mine, we felt closer.

Your mother put those buttons that she presses in you long ago. It is not your fault. You can't control her illness. Nor can you fix it and make her the mother she never was. All you or any of us dealing with a narcissistic parent can do is put ourselves on a healthy path which included detaching and setting boundaries with the conviction that you will continue no matter her own choices for a healthier path or not.

God bless you and please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

I meant Hi, sballen. You probably wonder about the him. :)

Him sballen, you are in good company here. Welcome!

Good Evening Everyone
Finding this site is an answer to my prayers. I'm a very new caregiver ... mom came to live with us New Year's Day and I've been crying almost everyday. She has stage 2 dementia but it's the narcissistic behavior that's upsetting me most of all. Her presence has opened all of the childhood wounds of constant verbal abuse.
She has always been this way but I haven't had to live with it for the past 35 years and don't want to go down that road again. Reading your posts lets me know that even though I'm an only child I'm not alone in this challenge. God bless all of you.

I really don't like finding things out in arrears.

My mother kept in her hands and hid various documents related to one that I signed back in 1990. It was a trust agreement in which my grandmother gave me various plots of land to hold in trust for my mother. I knew my mother did not want my step-dad to know about this trust agreement, but she should have given these papers to me as the named trustee.

I got hold of this document and the related deeds back in 2009 when my mother's world fell completely apart and I discovered what a terrible past due taxes situation that she and my step-dad were in as far back as 2004. My focus then was on those taxes which have been solved.

These plots of land are also part of my grandmother's estate which my two aunts also own sections of. The estate had an opportunity to make some money by selling just a little bit of one part of one farm.

So, in 2011 this sale was made. I told the atty. that I was trustee which he already new, but instead of writing the check to the trust that I am trustee of, he wrongly wrote it to me which I put in my mother's account for it was her's. Instead of doing that and reporting it on a K-1, he reported this to the IRS on a 1099-S which wrongly makes me liable for capital gains tax.

The CPA who works for my aunt was not aware of this trust. I informed him by e-mail what took place last year. He asked for a copy of the 1099-S. I faxed that to him plus a copy of the trust agreement.

He informed me of the atty.'s mistakes and told me how to get out of it.

He also told me that when that trust was formed, the IRS should have been informed and a special trust number requested so that we could report any gains that the land had gained for each year since 1990. I remember singing the trust agreement, but I had not idea what else that meant. BTW, my mother did the same thing with the Medical and Durable POA's that she had made in 2002 which meant in 2009 that we got two new ones which was a waste of money.

One problem that complicated all of this was my going on disability in 2003 due to my bipolar disorder.

My mother also hid from me her long term care insurance policy with all of its riders about having care at home before needing to go to assisted living or a nursing home.

Thus, she missed an opportunity to use which would have saved her much money that was stolen from her and my step-dad by a hired caretaker who was not licensed, plus they would not hear of having a licensed person.

We have another sell of land coming up in 2012 and this time I'm going to insist that the atty. does it correctly or request the family finds another atty.

At least now, I have this in hand, but like I say, I don't like finding out about this type of thing in arrears. Now I can complete my own taxes and help my sons fill in their FASFA forms with information from my return.

Case Manager came by and talked of a nursing home for hubby and of course he doesnt want to go there...still waiting to see if his blood pressure will balance out but its a been a cold and wet day in the desert and I am so outta of it today...so trying to do bit of self rescue as for the dress it isnt here yet ...wonder what she is going to try over my head...blackmail wont work lol...just one of those zombie days i guess...

Sometimes it seems that God does not answer our prayers...when actually He already has...He has given YOU the knowledge and ability to help YOURSELF. He expects each and every one of us to use our gifts to the fullest...And, we all know, that at times, this is VERY hard! After He thinks you have exhausted all your possibilities, He will be there!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry."--Psalm40:1

(((((((Izabella)))) I have been where you are and your answer brings tears to my eyes. You certainly have my prayers for the doc's cooperation and have had them before. It only makes sense to take your mum in for one large session. She will probably resist this because she wants the attention of keeping you running around to all these appointments with her. Just tell her it is one session or nothing ( as long as the doc agrees) - her choice, You have to be firm, and don't feel guilty because it IS her choice, but you have choices too. You need to lighten your load whatever way you can. Tell the doc you can't keep doing this because of your own health issues, and you also have a son who may need serious surgery.
The guilt is a hard one, but you need, for your own good, to let it go. You are going above and beyond the call of duty, and NOTHING, dear one, NOTHING that happens to your mum will be your fault. She is gettng older and health problems will arise and, eventually, as with all of us, one day she will pass. None of us are perfect, and no one in their right mind expects you to be perfect, and to be there all the time for some one else. You can't, nor can anyone else. One thing that has helped me is others telling me that I have gone the second mile, and have done more than was expected. The narcissistic mum will always make you feel that you are failing her, and not doing enough for her - from childhood on. Remember, it is a mental illness. You are not failing her, and, in fact, you have done too much for her, and not enough for yourself. If you are having trouble with the guilt, as you say, just come here and others, I am sure, as well as I, will tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I wish I had understood about narcissism sooner too. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. I was trying to please my mum, at my own expense, and that is an impossible task, while my sis did nothing and was the preferred child - the golden girl. This is a typical pattern with narcissists. You will find so much on daughtersof narcissisticmothers.
A book, which is good, and I recommend it to any caregiver and certainly to anyone with a narcissist in the family, is "When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate. I think your body is saying "No" and it is time for you to cooperate with what your body is telling you. It is not the end of the world if your mum has to go on medicaid, and into a nursing home or some such alternative, and it would be a new beginning for you and your family. Just pick one that is good and visit her regularly. I got my mum a live-in seniors nanny. That lasted 9 months.The nanny couldn't take it any more, and mother was not getting along with other people in her apartment building, so I moved her into an ALF of her choice and that lasted 6 months, and she had a battle with a nurse. So I moved her into a second ALF (again her choice), and then told her if she could not manage there it would be a nursing home. I think, even at her age, she would happily have moved every 6 months. She likes change. My life would be have occupied fully with moving her, and all the changes and adjustments that happen with a move. It would have used up her money faster than staying in one place and I am 74 and have my own health issues to deal with. Now she has much to complain about where she is, but she will always complain. Like you, I used to attend to every little concern. Now I have decided that I will only pay attention if I know it is something serious. She will be 100 soon, and no one lives forever, (I hope ;)). An example here - a few days ago I got a phone call from the ALF nurse, and 3 emails from mother as she had a 1 cm cut on her finger. Each email complained that no one was coming to put a new band aid on it, and one email sent at 7:45 complained that the person who was supposed to come with her breakfast at 8 was not there yet. I had to laugh at the extent to which she would go for attention. I would not fight with your mum about taking her medication. She gets attention that way. She can still make her own choices. She doesn't have dementia - but narcissism. Have the doctor tell her the consequences of not taking the meds, remind her once what the doctor has said, and then let it go. Her choice! My mother was flitting around between doctors, and then complaining about her blood pressure going up because she was being treated badly at the ALF. I told her to find one good doctor and stick with them, as otherwise the doc would not have a good picture of her, and would not be able to reat her properly. She did.
Know I care, Izabella and my prayers, and I am sure those of others are with you. I have found that God will not do for me what I can do for myself. God is hearing your prayers and He loves you. He wants you to have a better life, I am sure of that, but I believe that He wants you to make some of the changes yourself. He tells us to love others, as ourselves, but not more than, Some times that is hard.
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) Joan

Jo.. You are right in every single word.. The problem w/my mom is she gets my attention through her health issues.. and I often feel as though it is like the story of the boy who cried wolf.. One day it is goin to be something so serious and I wont take it serious.. She does have at least five seperate issues going on that can be serious if not paid attention to and cared for.. But I also know often she exaggerates her health issues.. so If I dont react to her every ache and pain I may miss something and it will be my fault if something were to happen.. I have stopped catering to her every desire that doesnt include her health.. but now as Im sure is expected of someone like my mom her health issues have become non-stop.. We have at least four Dr. appts lined up one tomorrow and three next week.. and I know as Dr.'s do they will set up a series of tests that will draw me to have to do even more.. Its a tough spot for me.. because I live with the what if.. what if it is something serious and I dont address it.. I even thought of asking the Dr. to admit my mom into the Hospital.. run all the tests as an inpatient and then I dont have to run back and forth and fight with her to take medicine that he will prescribe that she will refuse to take.... At first I will admit I felt very guilty having this idea.. but now.. I do not.. I only hope the Dr. will agree to it.. So Jo.. say a prayer that the Dr. works with me on this.. And Jo.. thank you.. you are a very wise,compassionate lady.. and I know you have been where I am..so I take all your advice very serious.. and I am going to google the daughters of narcissistic mothers... this is very new to me.. but it sure is right on target.. and it kills me to say that..truly it does.. I always made excuses for how my mom is w/me.. and I have used every excuse to validate her actions.. I see that now.. I never even knew there was such a thing as a mother being narcissistic towards her daughter.. but it really is and has been my entire life w/my mom.. It all makes sense now.. sad to say.. but it does..

Thank you, JessieBelle! It is some better now...after lots of meds.! :-)

Sending healing vibes your way, ucant, to try to ease the pain. Poor hon!

Hi everyone, today my head has decided to have a migraine! Ugh! I've been plagued with them since I was seven. Bad news is...I get them with auras too! But, being the responsible adult, I am still expected to press onward with all my duties. :-(

(((((Isabella))))) Your mum wants all your attention and all your energy to be spent on her. That is how narcissistic people are. They can't help it. But that does not mean you have to do it, especially to the point to harming your own health, and possibly not having energy for your son. You need some of your time and energy for you. The biggest problem is not because she wants all your energy, but that you have decided that she needs it, and that you are allowing her to manipulate you. What if you get too ill to give her this attention becasue you are not looking after you? I think she will survive. Will you? Studies have shown how hard caregiving is on the caregiver and that those with repressed anger, get serious illnesses - you already have that.
I will go back to the cooking episode where you took a little time for yourself. Your mum, knowing ahead of time what effect it would have on her, phoned your sister, got upset - predictably, and used that to call you away from your time for you, to take her BP, talk her down etc, Izabella, don't you see that she arranged this to be sure that your attention was centered on her? Narcissists will drag you into their world using whatever means possible, This is called emotional blackmail. Consider how else that could have been dealt with. Spend 10 mins with mum over whatever the problem is - remember they do not want to solve the problem often, just use it to get your attention, and then tell mum, firmly, that you need time for you - whether it is to cook, or as right now, to heal, and go to your quiet place and ignore all calling out etc from her. Tell her you will be back to check on her in an hour, or whatever you decide and be firm, and do not cave in to her need for attention. She has you believing that she would not survive without all your attention centered on her. I doubt that is the case, Wean her off this continual attention which is not doing either of you any good, Think of a spoiled child and how to deal with them, I have had to ignore multiple emails from my mother as she would have me emailng her 20 times a day, solving little problems that really don't exist etc, or that she brings on herself thus taking up all my time. Apparently you have no boundaries that your mum respects. Then you have to establish them and keep them firm. No one can do that for you. Be aware that when you take time for yourself, your mum's demands will increase. That is how narcissism works, it is as if she is addicted to your attention, and in a way she is, and you keep giving her her "fixes". That is not healthy for either of you. I would think that some counselling would be helpful for you (or anyone else dealing with a narcissistic person) to set some boundaries and get your life back in balance. I say that having gotten counselling over the years for myself and having found it very helpful. The last time was a few months ago in the summer, over a particular situation.
Perhaps a social worker can help you to deal with all of this. Considering your surgery and your son's condition, surely the doctor or hospital has some resources for you, if you tell them how things are at home.

Know my heart goes out to you, as I have been where you are at in terms of thinking that I was chained to my circumstances and could not change anything, had to put up with it, and yet was getting to a point where I could not any more as tthe effects it was having on my physical and mental health were too negative.

Change can heppen, Izabella, but it has to start with you.We are rooting for you!
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Again, I recommend anyone to google daughtersof narcissisticmothers to find some very helpful explanations and suggestions, You need to now what you are dealing with, before you can deal with it successfully.

First.. Nancy.. Your post sounds so much like me.. Desperate for any kind of answers.. But unfourtunantly there are no perfect answers.. But one thing you will get from this site is support.. and I have found many days that is the best answer.. We are all in this battle alone w/very little or no help at all w/the caregiving for our loved one.. And everytime I come to this site it really feels like a hug.. and as we all know many times all we need is a hug.. And often w/that hug comes some advice that we have not thought of because we are to numb some days to even think.. My advice to you is use this site to vent all your feelings..(it really helps).. and I dont know your situation..but since you are dealing w/ Alzheimers w/your moms care maybe some longterm assistance is what you need to see about.. My mom does not have have alzheimers.. honestly if she did..I do know I could not be her sole caretaker.. and Im not ashamed to admit this.. I have learned through this journey w/my mom.. I am just as important as she is.. and your well being is also important.. remember that!

I appreciate the advice given to me about placing my mom in another living situation... I have looked into assisted living, but I cannot afford it.. I do think she would benifit greatly from an assisted living type of enviornment.. because she is so very needy.. and she would love to have her own place to do things her way and yet still have the care she needs..but everyone I have looked into is to exspensive.. and as far as a nursing home well that would kill her..I already know she would be calling me daily crying to get her out of there.. So I do feel so stuck.. Last nite I just broke down.. I cried enough for a whole year.. I am in pain from my surgery.. and my mom is not feeling well.. so I have to get her to the Dr.. and not one Dr.. she has several..one for each aliment..and then tests need to be done.. I just cannot recover properly from any of my surgeries because I have to take care of Mom.. All day yesterday and Im sure today will be no different it was non-stop nursing my mom.. so needless to say by the time I got her to bed I was physically and emotionally drained.. And through this all my one son is sick.. he may need brain surgery.. so I have to be there for him first and foremost.. I ask God to please reach his hand out to help someway make something easier.. but Ive been asking for so long I have given up on that.. They say God helps those who help themselves.. well what if you cant help yourself? I hope today brings peace and happiness to us all..

Burned I hope for better for you-you will do ok in the future.

I am back and doing better having finally fought the bug but what gets me is that no one else will take in my SIL and she calls and calls....I would have her over but she will bum smokes and maybe ask for money..then my own sister on the other hand hasn't responded back to me since I told her I do not want my dress UPS to here I want it COD....btw does it seem the whole world is falling to pieces...I know its not the sky but I mean the govt sucks and I am tired of doing the footwork...I can't wait for the kings and queens to come out when my husband passes...Ill have authority around to remove them...I am trying to save my family from the same curse that has befallen both of ours ...as much as you can u cannot never truly breed out dysfunction its there and its invisible plus there isn't any vaccine that i know of yet ...but on the upside I had a decent V Day...staying strong and praying lots:)

This has been a hectic last few days. I've just now been able to read the posts. Izabella and Nancy, my heart goes out to you, because I can feel the pain you're in. I wish it was easy to fix. It is hard to be the one who is being used up. And even harder to make changes that are needed for your own health. I find that just talking about it to someone who cares helps so much.

Izabella, I agree with others that you need to reclaim your life. You need a few years without stress to beat the cancer. Stress is terrible for the immune system and you need to concentrate on yourself and pulling you nest of children and husband back in. It is not selfish to do this. We can take care of our parents without having to be there all the time. There are so many options. Right now you need to take care of you. The family meeting sounds like a good place to start.

Nancy, you sound like you are being worn down by having so much dumped on you with no support from the outside. Don't you love these families we're in? When I read what you wrote, the idea occurred to me that caregiving doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wondered if there was some way to provide some temporary care for your mother, maybe even turning it into a permanent situation if she is happy with it.

I realize that it is a lot easier to type these things than it is to actually do them. Sometimes I think that it is cruel that elder care typically falls on the shoulder of one child. (cmag, it gives me heart to see there is the occasional male.) I would not be surprised that within dysfunctional families, the care falls on the shoulders of the one that was treated the worst.

cmag, I adopted names for the roles played in my family some years back. My oldest brother was the black sheep, the next brother was the golden boy, and I was the kicking boy/sacrificial lamb. My Johnny-come-lately little brother was "the last hope." He was like a separate family. My mother favored the black sheep, which is what probably destroyed him. She let him so whatever he pleased to the sacrificial lamb to placate him. She even admitted this later. She said that the brother would get so mad that it just seemed easier to let him tear me down daily. When he drank himself to death 6 years ago, the only thing I thought was that I wished he had died a long, long time ago. Growing up with him was terrible.

It is difficult to fathom, but our parents cast up into family roles, often for their own convenience or satisfaction. In my case, it was easier for my mother to let me deal with my brother than it was for her to deal with him. To this day she feels no guilt. It was just convenient. (This reminds me of something she said the other day, that I would be the one to bathe my father because I was convenient. She doesn't realize yet how inconvenient I've become.) If it becomes too hard for me, I'll be out the door in a minute. There are too many options.

I guess my thinking about this made me know what you are going through. We are not the only option for our parents. We might be convenient for them, but this convenience thing goes two ways. Often in dysfunctional families, caring only goes in one direction, so we have to care for ourselves.

I didn't mean to write such a book. All of these things are just on my mind tonight.