The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I hope everyone has found this site to be their strenth when we have none left as I have.. It is such a comforting feeling to have people out there who take our feelings as important issues.. cmag--- WRITE THAT BOOK!!-- seriously you should.. you hit it right on.. there are self help books out there on everything.. but none on that issue that I have seen and I've read them all.... that issue just may be the core of why so many of us become adults and still are in our mothers shadow.. Im sure if we all put our stories together we would have one hell of a book!!

195Austin-- I wish I knew a NH would not kill her.. but I do believe it would.. I am going to look further into possible Assisted living type place that doesnt cost a crazy amount each month.. I do know I have to do something.. the stress is affecting my health.. I hope one day to find the peace you have found and take back power of my life.. or get power really because I dont believe I ever had it.. If I did I know my life would of been much different..

Sometimes if you post about you note being deleated and repeat it it will stay or put it on someones' wall usually they allow links

Hm-m-m I posted the link but it did not show up on this site. Perhaps that is not allowed. Sorry.

The hospital knows you are not responsible for her bill -they have to go through medicare or medicaide and any insurance plan she has-they just want to be sure that they will get paid but the children are not responsible or if she is self pay at the NH which is not usually the case -only maybe at the beginning until her money is used up and at 450 dollars or more a day-that was three years ago the price a day in NH in my area- her money would not last long. My husband would threaten sucide all the time for attention but his doc at the nursing home did not get it that it was his problem and believed him when he said he was ok but his wife was crazy.

. As I mentioned she has sent me two free books on-line, has a weekly newsletter and a radio program (from Australia) She also offers a recovery program book for a minimal fee but I haven't ordered it yet. She just keeps pounding away at the danger we are in, how to disconnect, and we can be free. She will also answer Q's I believe. Not trying to sell you anything, just trying to help anyway I can. LOVE

Arg-g-g!!! Thank you for being here! This week has been ??? It started Tues., I have been in great pain and also had breathing problems along with gut issues. I went to an appt. with my chiropracter and by the time I returned home about 2 hours later I had 3 calls from the NH. Mom was hysterical and they thought maybe I could help she told them I was in the hospital and very ill. They knew better so called me to reassure her, the patient's phone was busy so I spoke with her nurse who informed me she had little scabs all over her arms and they were calling her DR.(good luck with that). Today I get a call to please talk to her as she threatened suicide 3 times in 40 min. She is now on watch, they gave me her Dr's #, I called, he was NOT happy, wanted to know how I got his #, and informed me he was not on call and out of town. And this I should know because I am psychic? In the past year, she has been transported to psych hospital over an hour away 4 times for the same reason. Years of keeping all of us in the family on tenderhooks by threating suicide is now coming back to bite her in the butt---at the NH, they HAVE to take it as fact by law. So I spoke with my new friends at the hospital and since she has never tried it only uses it to get attention there is a very good possibility Insc. will not pay for another go round. Bless them for giving me the heads up, as I could be responsible for the bill they told me. At the moment mom thinks she is in Texas and does not realize I am 25 min away from her, and I told both staffs to please not enlighten her in an effort to protect myself. The NH has witnessed her verbal abuse towards me several times. Anyway the staff at the NH told me on tues. they found small scabs on her arms and had a call into the DR., the psych hospital, which is awesome by the way said the NH had found a plastic fork in her bed. Ding Ding Ding...maybe she is doing this to herself! If so, transport will be approved, or her DR could send her to the other hospital I do not really care for. I am really working hard at no contact...I speak with the nurses almost everyday, but not with mom unless I have to...the guilt is slowly easing. I found a news letter and free books online about NPD (will look up site and post it for you shortly) that has helped me strenghten my resolve. And all of you...until I found you I never had heard of NPD and thought I was just in la-la land because of something I had done to mom or she was more likely flat out bonkers, yet still felt I could and should keep trying to rescue her...even tho I always get hurt for trying to help, trying to make her happy. You know the drill. Whew...cmag, again...Bless you for this site. Putting it in writing, sharing with all of you lessen's the stress, heart rate is slowing down knowing that you get me. Oh, and when I mentioned NPD to the hospital, it was an instant "You are doing the right thing...continue to protect yourself" Wow, what a validation, in the past mother would have painted such an awful picture of me that I came to dread psych visits as it was most often me who they thought should change. Any response is most welcome.

Izabella it will not kill her to be in a NH you need to help yourself and your family--none of you deserve the treatment you are getting from her and the upset to you and your family-I have had to detatch myself from my mother-she thinks she did no wrong and was even braging how good a mother she was because we turned out ok- we only did because of ourselves not her-and now she thinks she can still treat me badly-but I have learned I do not deserve to be treated badly-I stayed in a bad marriage because I thought everything was my fault due to my upbringing I did see the light before the husband died and did take back my power that I gave away to any strong personality-so now I keep my exposure to my Mom brief as possible-it is my way of coping-I know I can never have a good relationship with my mother but I also know it is not my fault.

Mom enmeshed women are women like my wife who became their mother's emotional partner's while living at home and continue to live with that bond into adulthood which makes bonding fully with their husband and children very difficult for they are still letting their mother rule their life as if they were still a little girl. Basically, a mamma's girl. How their mother feels is how they feel and they view themselves as responsible for keeping mommy happy. So, how dare they put their own ideas, feelings and husband, etc. before mom for they lack healthy boundaries with their mother who often is an intrusive, narcissistic or borderline personality. My wife has had years of therapy to get out of that and I've had my own enmeshed issues with my mother although earlier, I thought at that time that I had more freedom than my wife did.

What are mom enmeshed women?

An idea came into my mind this morning. While there are books on the market about emotional incest, physical incest, when parents make children their partners and mom enmeshed men, I've not seen a book specifically written for mom enmeshed women. From some of the stories that I have read on this thread and others, I think someone could write a book on this subject out of their own experience of their mother making them their emotional partner that would help other women who went through the same thing and indirectly help their husbands which I could include a chapter on. Just thinking.

julieann, this is a special circumstance IMO. I would tell the woman adios. The sad truth is that some women of her age traded their children for security. If she was unwilling to sacrifice for you as children, there is nothing you owe her now. If she is abusive, there are too many other options than for you and your siblings to have to revisit the pain every day.

julieann...my heart truly goes out to you.. I dont how we close our eyes to the horrible mistakes our mother(s) have made and now devote our lives to this person who allowed her children to suffer.. My situation is different then yours yet very much the same.. Your situation I feel is much more heartbreaking... and you are quite a person to be your mothers caretaker now... I admire you.. I dont know that I could be so forgiving.. I have a hard time letting go of the past things my mom allowed.. from a very young age I was more of a partner for my mom then her child.. My one sister was very screwed up.. and it was me that was always the one to get her out of trouble... many times my sister became combative and would physically start a fight w/me.. she is 10 yrs older..so I was very young when this started.. it continued into adulthood.. my sister doing no wrong and my mom making me feel as though this was not only normal but it was also expected of me to be there for her no matter what she did.. One event that stands out in my mind is a time my sister came to my moms home drunk.. I told her to leave and she got nasty and we began fighting.. my end was more pushing her off the porch to leave.. long long story short my sister took me to court for battery.. I almost had my kids taken away due to her lies.. I paid money I did not have and got a lawyer.. and even the judge saw it was a crazy charge against me.. but it could of gone a different way.. Now to this day this sister can still do no wrong in my mothers eyes.. and I have even had to still be there for this sister...

My reason for sharing this story.. Is I have tried (very recently) to put the past hurts in Gods hands.. because I am all my mom has... and it has been no easy road w/her here in my home.. but this site also has helped me so much.. just being able to vent is so very helpful.. Julieann.. I hope you find peace in the road you have ahead of you.. and we are all here for you!

Heres an update since I got my mom out of the hospital.. It has been horrible.. since I brought up having her eval. for dementia/ALZ... she is so angry.. she feels my husband and I are trying to make her crazy.. I honestly dont know how much more I can take... she is still not speaking to my husband.. so it makes it very stressfull in my home.. and my sons brain surgery is going to be coming up soon.. I wish assisted living wasnt so damn expspensive.. and a NH is not an option because I know it would kill her to be put into one.. I feel very mentally drained..

julieann1995, half of my previous statement was for you.

I'm sorry for the abuse you and your siblings had to endure while your mother looked the other way. According to what I've read on that subject, it is not uncommon for the mother to know, but to also look the other way.
Emotionally speaking my MIL treated my wife like a substitute spouse. I had a similar abusive experience with my narcissistic mom.

Margeaux, my MIL has succeeded in alienating me and her other SIL by her narcissistic/borderline behavior plus how I see she treats her twin daughters and the stories they have told us about how their mom was when they were children and teenagers. While she claims to be a Christian and is a PK, it would not bother her if either marriage ended in divorce or if either of us SIL's died. We are all so glad that she is in assisted living.

I'm sorry for the abuse you and your siblings had to endure while your mother looked the other way. According to what I've read on that subject, it is not uncommon for the mother to know, but to also look the other way.

Emotionally speaking my MIL treated my wife like a substitute spouse. I had a similar abusive experience with my single parent narcissistic mom.

Oh how this topic fits me and my family today. My mother just arrived home (3 weeks) after being in the hospital and rehab for several months. She is very elderly (89) and expects her children to jump when she yells! She has finally allinated some of her regular caregivers, and others have stepped up to the plate to lend a hand in the effort to keep her in familor surroundings. The issue,...and it is a huge one..she willingly and knowingly...allowed all of her children to be sexually abused by her husband (step-father to many of us), even moving way out of town to not allow anyone to get close to her children so we would not tell. While he has left this earth, many of us feel like this is just not fair! We are putting our lives on hold, rearranging our lives on a daily basis, and at time ignoring our own spouses, children, and grandchildren for this woman who threw every one of us into the hands of that sick, sick man. The abuse was not a one time event, for one of us it lasted 11 years. While we have all been in and out of counseling over the years, we all struggle with taking from our lives, and giving to her, when she could not be bothered to keep us safe!

Wow, emjo I read this post you wrote about your narcissistic sister. I find this quality so terrible by parents when they have to say something inappropriate to a daughter-in-law. Your poor nephew. I remember many years ago, my mom who I consider a manipulator, used to criticize my youngest brother's wife to me. At that time, I noticed some rather ungraceful qualities by my sister-in-law. Fortunately, she's grown over the years, and I like her much more now than then.
But, I remember giving my mom a piece of advice. Also, in mom's eyes, no woman was good enough for her favorite son of all things. So I told her, that it would be to her benefit to be nice to my sister-in-law, after all she was now in the family and married to my brother. I also told her that if she wasn't, she would run the risk of alienating my brother from mom. Well, mom managed to be let's say polite, but I could always tell that she wasn't fond of either of my sister-in-laws. Well, I'm happy for you that you've made a connection w/you nephew. It's good when we at least have a few good eggs in the family. Take care, Margeaux

I can hold glass to that ...make it cherry shake lol ...yes my brother and I do not talk and I do not get a chance to talk to my half sister. It ticks me off not knowing what influence my lil sister to not talk to me but know she is moving to california and my brother he is in georgia now. I talk to my twin sister and that is like pulling teeth..everytime something is misunderstood and a fight happens ...I just endure of it then hang up the phone..i can't deal with it when I took their backs against bullies in school and a girl isnt suppose to do that ..guess i am the odd one out .

Margeaux, it sounds like your sister is doing a great job. I am really impressed with her. If the three of your get along well, maybe you can go with them places. I'm sorry the alz seems to be progressing again. Sometimes I hope that diagnoses are wrong and that the disease won't progress. I am glad that you are there to support your sister. I know she has a rough time ahead. It is easier with a family of help. :) Caregivers do tend to get controlling. I guess it is because they try to find ways to make things work. When they find one way, they stick with it until it stops working. I know my parents have certain traits that I have to consider when I'm making plans. Occasionally one of the traits changes, so I have to change the way I do things. I'm sure someone might say I'm controlling, though control is a talent I only wish I had!

I'm glad your sister and you are close. After such a hard childhood, many children barely talk to each other.

First welcome -you are at the right place I would say yes since your brother knows the business end have him do it before you are the one to need a nursing home-it will effect your health-my late husband was a PIA also the only thing that saved me was his frequent hospitalzations and rehab over 15 times often for 100 days in a row Call your social service office and tell them you are no longer able to care for her-she is already in the system with getting SSI-if your brother is willing give him 5 days to do it or leave your house for a few days even if it is a shelter-don't let her behaivor make you have bigger problems please find an AA group today and talk to someone-you do not deserve to be treated like this any more.

I am so glad to have found this thread. I'm serving as caregiver for my sister (1 month shy of 61.) The dementia has been coming on for about 7 years but I could not get her to agree to an evaluation, but finally a crisis required it and she has been diagnosed.

My parents are both dead, my brother ... well ...he's good at the business end, but doesn't have an empathetic bone in his body. (An expert has told me he actually suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, although he has no idea.)

My sister,,,,she's a PIA. She is nasty, negative, uncooperative, denies there's a problem, lies, sneaks, refuses to comply with any of my requests.

I'm sure this is the right place for me especially since I do not have 1 "warm fuzzy feeling" for either of my siblings. I've been in therapy for 17+ years so I've learned that I'm okay, I just grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family going back generations.

My sister has now been living with me for nearly 10 years. I did have the chance after the crisis, to permit my brother to put her in a facility, but I thought I could do it. He said she'd continue to destroy me. Well...now after enjoying a 4 month break while she lived at my brother's and he determined what would happen, she's been back her for just about 3 months....I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors....drinking.

Any suggestions??? Should I just say "good-bye" and let my brother put her in what she can afford on her SSI?

Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted for a few days.
Cmag, I was reading about your wife's carpel tunnel surgery, I hope you and she are doing better, and I wish you nothing but the best for a speedy recovery.

Well I was reading also what people were saying about detachment. I am not the live in caregiver in my family, my sister is. She's been living in mom's home for the last three years. She's been in charge of my mom's sister, the narcissist who just passed a month ago. My mom has about stage 4-5 ALZ. Mom was always her sister's enabler. Throughout my life mom really had this need to always be at her sister's beck and call. My aunt who I had posted couple weeks ago, about her abusive behavior into her senior years until her death didn't just start then. She had a history of being verbally and physically abusive to grandma, and I even witnessed it on a couple of occasions when I was a kid. Mom knew of many instances, and I never felt that mom came to either my sister's or my defense. She allowed it by ignoring it. She also permitted my aunt to be in our lives constantly, her sister even lived with us throughout the years, so there was no getting away from this toxic individual. Unfortunately, dad didn't have any boundaries, because he just seemed to go along with mother's plan, I guess to keep the peace with her.

But in this game of dysfunction, this certainly sent the message to us that we somehow didn't figure into mom's definition of being a responsible parent. So my sister and me definitely became like the little mother's for my two younger brothers. Funny thing is that mom has always looked up to my brothers as if they are some kind of kings for being men....the gender thing. Anyway, now that it's been exactly a month mom lost her sister who died at age 93, mom's 91. So mom took it hard at first. But now she doesn't talk much about her sister she was sooooo co-dependent upon. I do go there, but live across town. My sister has caregivers in place, one even spends the night. But sometimes I try to help out, in the sense that over a period of time I've been trying to encourage my sister to really become more informed about ALZ. I realize she's been stressed with the situation of living over there w/mom and previously my aunt. She has POA, MPOA of my mom. She lives there of course doesn't pay rent, and has a full time job. My sister up until now has been pretty controlling of many situations w/respect to my mom. I feel like on the one hand she lives there and she does a great job. She just doesn't know sometimes when to quit. While my aunt was still alive, of course my sister never did look into say some kind of adult day care, so as to keep my mom at least minimally busy. I had suggested this a long time ago. But this is where some of her control attitude kicks in. I notice that whenever let's say I've suggested, that maybe a program could be sought out, she would shoot the idea down saying, "Oh mom, wouldn't want to go unless her sister was able to go w/her, (her sister was getting immobile by then). Anyway, after my aunt passed away, the very next day my sister called to tell me she had mom out for several hours shopping and to get her nails done. When she ran down the itinerary of that day, she almost had this tone in her voice, as if saying, now that mom's sister was gone....mom was going to hop to it, and be out and about all day. Mind all of you, mom had for the last year pretty much been home bound, of her own choice.
So I didn't say anything to my sister at hearing this, but thought, well o.k., I hope she doesn't tire my mom out. My sister started to tell me right after this that she felt as if my mom became more alert, and was awake all day the first week after the death of my aunt. So today a month later, my sister called saying she felt angry. She now feels as if mom went back into her usual ALZ mode, of sleeping all day, and as she refers to it, "tuning out." While I admit that my mom maybe didn't many times show loyalty to me, nor my sister, so I don't feel real connected with mom, I also realize that she's suffering the effects of the ALZ. My sister sounded pretty upset about the tuning out, and says things like, she feels she does so much for mom, but there's no response from her, etc. When I try to interject w/rationale about the progression of the ALZ, I know it falls on deaf ears.
There's a part of me that sympathizes with my sister, but then I feel like here is the control factor again. O.K., can anybody give me some insight, am I on the right track here? Yes, I try to stay detached. Then there's more, but I'll talk about this later, as I'm afraid I've written a book by now! HAAH, Have a great evening all!
Margeaux

Izabella, what a nightmare. I don't know how this will all work out. I guess all you and your husband can do is wait and see. I'm sorry she left the hospital. Things would have been so much easier if she hadn't. If she was insistent, however, and the doctor didn't have sufficient reason to hold her, he had to release her. Did he do it against medical advice?

I wish I could think of some advice, but I can't. I hope that you can sleep well tonight. Sometimes things work out while we sleep and everyone gets a fresh perspective in the morning. We know you were acting in your mother's best interest.

As I posted a few days ago My Mom was put in the Hospital.. And It was a complete nightmare.. I am emotionally and physically so drained..

While my mom was in the hospital I discussed my concern w her Dr. about the possiblity that she has dementia.. so he arranged to have a neurologist due a consult.. she was fine at one point w it.. she even agreed she has felt many times confused and forgetful..she was all for seeing this dr. and possibly starting medication.. but as the day went on and she saw that she may have to spend another night in the hospital she went into this other personality.. calling me every 15min.. threatning to leave.. calling the nurses.. the nurses calling me.. she was dead set on not spending another night in the hospital waiting for a Dr. she did not need to see.. She called me and accused me of making her out to be crazy.. this broke my heart.. I reached my breaking point.. I just broke down and cried and cried.. at this point it had been a few days of me running up to the hospital bringing food..talking and talking to her..explaining things over and over.. I couldnt reason w/her on any level.. and this isnt the first time when my mom doesnt get her way that she has acted like a spoiled child.. even when she is home (at my house) if she doesnt get her way she threatens to leave and go to "her" house..or she wont come out of her room..or eat.. so yes.. I just broke down.. My husband went up to the hospital to try to reason w/her.. well this made everything worse.. he told her she needed to stop acting like a child and understand that I am trying to help her ect.. long story short.. she is now home(my Home).. her primary Dr released her due to her performance w/out seeing the other dr.. and she wont come out of her room when my husband is home,or eat, and she insists she is going back to her house.. I know she cant.. and my husband says for me to just ignore when she says this.. but she is so angry she wants no part of being here.. assisted living or NH is not an option.. so as I said to my husband it was hard enough before this.. now living like this is impossible.. The combination of her personality plus the possibility of dementia is a nightmare.. One part of me is so very sad.. one part is angry.. and what ever is left is just completly burnt out... now I am in the middle of my mother and my husband.. my mom feels I am taking his side.. but I know the truth.. just when you think things cannot get any harder or more stressful.. they can..

wallpaper, Frankly I think your therapist was way off base with the spin they put on your mother's abusive behavior. Abusive people don't have the self-insight to realize they are being abusive and their occasional apologies and promise to love you are merely tools to hover you back in for more emotional abuse via fear, obligation and guilt.

I am sorry that you suffer from a mental illness. As you know from experience, it makes care taking harder and dealing with your mother's emotional blackmail far more difficult. My own mother is a narcissist and I have bipolar disorder. I could not survive, nor could my family survive if she was anywhere but in the nursing home.

A certain degree of being selfish is healthy for we must detach emotionally from those who want to suck us into their drama queen or drama king insanity.

I hope the therapist can help you with your anger which sounds very deep with a lot of history underneath it. If not, I'd find another therapist.

One thing that helped me with my anger was to write my mother a letter, read it to my therapist after which we burned it in a fire proof container and cast the ashes to the wind. I hope you find some peace from your hate and strength to be more detached with love from your mother. You didn't make her how she is. You can change her. Nor can you control her. All you really have control of is you and choosing a healthy path for yourself in taking care of yourself despite what your mom does or does not do.

well my issue isnt about dysfunctional family tonight...its about Dairy Queen having the nerve to double charge me and the super not willing to come back to discuss refunding my account...i felt like I got punked and i am trying to pinch everything I got ...well best part of it is I got hubby out on a date with the family and we enjoy ourselves as a family tg for the small bit of bliss we had this evening i have to say it was the topper on my cake and get this both of my kids are in bed already :) i can almost say I rock it :)

dianedavis, the problem of division with your siblings and inlaws is their monkey not yours. Your dad trusted you with the POAs. Their reaction to this is their issue. I would recommend to talk a hold of the authority the POAs give you for the benefit of your dad and function with that authority for the benefit of your dad. You didn't make your siblings and inlaws have these issues. You can't fix them nor control them. Understandably, you will morn the togetherness you once had, but in this situation, it sounds like you are going to have to be like the navy admiral who in the face of on coming torpedoes, said "D the the torpedoes, full speed ahead"

I also suggest going back over this thread and find what I posted about detaching from narcissistic and or borderline type people, or any type drama king or drama queen.

I wish you well in your journey.

It is a sad thing that for many people, after giving birth, they expect everything to be one way -- child to parent, instead of the other way around. The parents feel it is enough to put some food on the table. Children are expected to love and obey even when there is no love or respect being given. When the kids grow up, these parents can't figure out why the kids are doing bad things. After all, they weren't raised that way.

When the children leave the thorny nest, expectations don't change. Parents expect the kids to call and to visit, though they themselves don't. When they grow old, they expect the children to give care, though they themselves never did. Many say things like "you owe it to me." Why? because you never came to my baseball games or school functions? because you never came over to see me? because you went for several years without calling? because when I was in the bed ill you acted like it was an inconvenience to you that I couldn't come home for Christmas?

When we mature, we have to make decisions about whether to carry on the bad feelings or pull ourselves out of them. Most healthy people will pull themselves out and not get caught in the old quagmire. Many people have to separate completely. Others can separate emotionally. I don't think there is any one right way to do it. It may be that some need a combination of both -- physical separation followed by emotional separation.

As someone who has recently moved back into a one-way situation, I can say it is hard to stay emotionally detached when physically close. I consider myself fairly mentally healthy, but it has been a huge drain on me physically and emotionally. I have gained a lot, however, in learning to live beyond the anger. The anger I was feeling was chewing me up on the inside. I have a feeling there will be some other positive benefits, too.

I think each person from a dysfunctional family has to look at their situation and decide what is best for them. If it is something that benefits the parent, but harms the child, I would err on the side of the child. There are too many other options than to put the adult child through the same abuse. I remember a few years ago when I first considered moving back to take care of my parents I thought that they had almost destroyed me as a child, why would I want to return and let them finish the job? Circumstances change, however, so each of us has to do what we feel is best when WE feel it is best.

I have become selfish over the years. My family was a mess as I was growing up. I had an alcoholic dad and my mom was an enabler. My dad passed when I was in college and I have always had anger issues with my mom. My mom is a user. She'll find anything she can to get me over to her house. She wants me to bring over my vacuum cleaner for her maid to use because she is having company over later in the week. She has her own vacuum cleaner, but it's not good enough if she has visitors. What nonsense! My mom is just beginning to need my help on a regular basis and I suffer from mental illness. I can barely take care of myself. Some days it's difficult to get out of bed. I never had kids because I knew I would not be able to take care of them properly. I don't get along with my mom and never have. I am not going to be able to do this without ended up in the hospital. I don't know how to give to my mom without resentment. She has never given me any respect, so why should I do anything for her. My therapist thinks my mom continues to hurt me without realizing it. I'm really tuck. I'm in between guilt and hate. I wish I had more empathy towards her, but I've lost it from years of mental abuse. Your thoughts please......

I have some advice :)
it may be slightly vulgar so put on your delicate sensibilities vulgar proof ear buds.
here's what you said....
"My husband and I have been chosen by my 92 year old dad to be POA and Health Care Proxy, much to the displeasure of my three brothers, their wives and families"
I would advise them all to pound sand into the appropriate orifice immediately if not sooner. that's my advise. I hope this helps. good luck!

My husband and I have been chosen by my 92 year old dad to be POA and Health Care Proxy, much to the displeasure of my three brothers, their wives and families. They are constantly second guessing all of our decisions, saying that I make wrong headed decisions tthat are detrimental to my father's health. He has been sufering with Alzheimers Disease for about 8 years and he now resides in assisted living near me. He is 2 hours from his sons who all moved away from the rest of the family over 30 years ago. I have been the one who has taken dad to all of his medical appointments. He has had cataract surgery with complications, memory problems and heart issues as well as rectal bleeding, ulcers, etc. His general health has stabilized. The Alzheimers continues to be the most worrisome issue for all of us. He is easily upset and confused, and he tires. I don't know what to do about the rift with my brothers. I never imagined that we would have such bitter difficulties in our family. We were able to get along well until this situationhas divided us. What should I do? Does anyone have any advice?