I thank God for every day my mother and I had together. I lost her to dementia 11 years ago and she required constant care for the last five years of her life. A large part of me died with her. I'm grateful that I was in a position that I could be her caregiver.
I don't understand the anger that I read here. Every case is different, but it's so sad.
I am so sorry for your loss. I never had to see my brother descend into the Lewy's diagnosis he had; he died of sepsis before that could happen. It was his most fervant wish. So for that I can be content. But I'll never be over missing him. For those of us to have had marvelous relationships, however, I think they stay with us forever. Sometimes that is the same for those without the luck we had. We can help, I think.
If someone else was fortunate enough NOT to have experienced an Abusive parent, then I would truly hope that they have the empathy and compassion towards others who unfortunately had a different experience.
Sadly, I found the OP's post off-putting.
Anger can come from the never ending 24/7 grind, the anxiety and frustration, the downright awful things we find ourselves having to manage like urine and feces and open sores, from an inadequate or completely absent support system. Caregiving takes a toll on every aspect of a caregiver's life: relationships, finances, spirituality, emotional and physical health; and even the best, most loving relationships can break down under this level of strain.
"She was delightful to care for. Fortunately, she had enough money and I didn't have to work, Those were the most rewarding five years of my life. I miss her desperately".
I am sorry for the loss of your mom. You say elsewhere that you were 54 when she died.
Let me point out to you that most of us here have to work to pay our mortgages and living expenses.
Some of us have small grandchildren we're tending.
And some of us are in our 70s or 80s, tending elders in their 100s.
Not all of our parents have money. And not all of our parents are "delightful".
There are circumstances that lead to folks being angry.
Walk a mile in someone's shoes with a feces-smearing, paranoid, accusatory violent elder before you judge the desperation you see in these posts.
Or with a self-involved mentally ill mother who never gave her children a single thought but now expects them to dance attendence on them.
Or the in-law from heck who is moved in because the parentified child "can"t bear" to see mummy in a home, but asks the spouse to give up her/his life snd livelihood to enable a charade of independence.
Don't judge us based on your "delightful" experience.
I think anyone who possess an ounce of sensitivity and awareness, would know better. It really doesn't take going thru something yourself in order to understand - but sadly instead, the words in your last paragraph come across as seeming self-righteous.
Compassion and empathy is the answer.
That being said, its also sad that many people are finding themselves in a caregiver position where they have to support someone who wasn't terribly great at supporting them... abusive pasts, history of toxicity, narcissism, mental health issues, you name it.... This is not a rare case unfortunately. As it was in my own....
Fortunately, with greater understanding of mental health, subsequent generations can be better prepared & work towards a healthier family culture. Times are changing for the better I believe.... But I still think that it will still be hard until we generally accept that death is unavoidable, natural and in fact... a beautiful process.