I just need to talk it out. After nightmares for a week, and eating lots of sugars for 2 nights, and then crying before sleeping for both nights, I realized I was burnt out. I haven't had to race with someone to the ER (or follow ambulance in a snowstorm) since late Feb., so I though I was doing better, eating well, getting to my own appointments, handling details and making decisions. I really thought I was improving, catching up on my stuff, not just the triage effect of doing the next right thing to keep us all alive. I think what happened was I had time to relax and feel how really tired I was. With more sleep and a few spring walks, sitting in the sun, I began to realize just how long my life has been difficult. How many can relate? Some background - I have had my aunt in home for 6 1/2 years. At first I enjoyed it. Besides the time to set up POA, move accounts in state, sell her home, get a sitter/companion, we had time to go sight-seeing up through the mountains where she and my uncle used to vacation. Aging progresses to where she can no longer move around without a walker, can't remember what was just said, and can't be reasoned with. She won't go out, even to sit in the sun on the porch. Getting her to any appointment is a chore, and sometimes acting like a stern parent on my part. She can't get any food for herself except donuts and coffee, sleeps a lot. Meanwhile my husband has been ill for a year, gradually getting worse. I have gone from the two of us taking care of one person, to one of me doing all driving and watching out for two. They can't be left alone due to dizziness. Aunt falls only in mornings, though not at all for 6 weeks (and a whole year before that), but hubby could fall at any time. He hasn't for nearly a year, but has come close. Yes, I increased companion times, and one can drive my husband to important appointments if I can't. All his tests are negative, and he's now in limbo as to cause. Doc is on it, but I am no longer patient. He does take care of self, talks with visiting nurse, makes calls, etc., but some home chores I have taken over. No, no nearby relatives. I used to go away for one week a year to stay with a son or a brother and his wife, but not last year. They flew here to visit us. I get out for my own appts. and to buy groceries. I am going to bed early, and calling again tomorrow for aunt's meds, and for respite care. How are you doing? And how did you know before you burnt out?
I know the frustration you are feeling. I know I feel trapped, and hopeless. I've run out of patience, and many times even compassion, which scares the heck out of me. My husband and I are totally isolated from friends because we can't go out. We are in our mid and late 60's and retired. When is it our time? Sorry to unload, I know it doesn't help you at all, but then again maybe it does knowing that someone else is in the crazy situation, beating themselves up, knowing they are doing way more than they physically and emotionally should. I keep hoping "I'll know when I've had enough". The truth is, I'll probably never give up! God Bless.
You did an amazing job taking care of your mom. I hope you can start to recover some feeling of well-being for your own health needs now, even if its just getting used to what it feels like to not be in a state of emergency 24/7. Bless you, sending TLC thoughts to you and all who are sharing their stories here.
Debbie1955
I'm becoming more and more anxious about driving. Soon my license will be suspended from the fines that I've racked up so quickly and can't afford to pay. Trying to keep it together.
GrannieAnnie, When you are in a crisis mode you can't think rationally. it may be time for your aunt to move to a care facility. Maybe even your husband. What will happen to them if you die? Don't they say 30% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for? I am so concerned for everyone here who feels trapped. My heart goes out to all of you. (((HUGS))). Tears are running down my face and my heart aches for all of you.
I'd already decided where my line was with my aunt. When she fell and injured her back, I didn't know till the next morning, when she couldn't lift herself to get up for the bathroom. She was soaking wet, and I couldn't even roll her over to get her into dry clothes before the ambulance arrived. She is taller than me, and I cannot lift her. If she gets that way again, and it is not temporary, I cannot keep her here.
My husband is another story. his bad health has sneaked up on him and me too. I need time away to be able to think clearly. MaryKathleen was right about not being able to think rationally in a crisis mode!
Respite came regardless. I'm still dealing with consequences.
I knew I was getting burned out when I sought out this forum, started obsessing over finding support, tried to [micro] manage aspects of caregiving that were completely out of my control.
Then nightmares, insomnia, overscheduling myself to accommodate and try to control caregiving. Lost 12 pounds.
Then, on my way to take mom to doctor's appointment, narrowly missed an SUV that lost control and flipped in front of me. Two weeks later, I rear ended a car and lost my spare keys the same day. A week later a speeding ticket. (Clean driving record for 20 years prior.)
Two and a half months later:
Can't manage my bills with the sudden influx of financial obligations to keep my license. Unmanageable guilt from being unable to keep any commitments or any communication with my parents. Missed Mother's Day, Fathers Day, Stepdad's birthday, my mom broke her foot- couldn't even get my stepfather to get a haircut. It's been quite the spiral...
If you think you are burned out- you are. Take a respite before it takes you.
❤️💕🙏🏻😞