Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent. I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago, Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive. My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters. Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing, she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days. Few years later, Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away). By the time Dad passed 10 years ago, Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone. She was physically capable of being home alone (wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork. She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME. So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone. We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone. She is a master of guilt and manipulation. After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc. Now she needed to make a decision, which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us. She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home. She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers. She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine. She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed. Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother. If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen. She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it. What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need. She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring. She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her. Ironically, with her own daughters, she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention. So when Dad died, she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminish her role as the grieving widow. In fact, she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her. So, here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough. We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden Girls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries. Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored. There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes, does volunteer work, creates her new phase. BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me. DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely). She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times. She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend. Because she hates being alone, she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time. DH has been phenomenal all these years, but is wanting to travel, for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss, think, pray first.
We realize that Mom is not happy unless she has the attention of one of her kids or grandkids.So we're learning to get immune to the sighs, droopy voice, subtle guilt trips.Just recently,she's begun declining social invites that do include her,such as a SuperBowl party.It's still a guilt trip because her attitude isn't an upbeat "you guys go and have fun- I'll be fine" but a resigned "I'll just stay home".Interestingly as none of my friends have cared for aging parents,I'm getting static from people about her absence at gatherings.When my BIL was moved to hospice,I flew out alone to help my sister and her kids.I didn't take Mom with me as she is not good in a crisis and I needed to be caring for Sis and her children.Had Mom been at hospice with us, every relative and friend would've heard about every moment,every interaction during this private,sacred time.So we would've all been hiding emotions,self-editing ourselves.I was surprised when a longtime friend took me to task for not taking Mom, as "she needs to be there,to be a part of things.It'll be hard for her to be here when she wants to be there for your sister.I don't mean to tell you what to do,but you need to take her with you."She then proceeded to tell me how I needed to think about how hard it is for Mom not to have control over her life,to have to live with her kids.Tried 4 times to explain that Mom had exercised absolute control over her life by gradually moving in with us, that she CHOSE to live with her kids when she was perfectly able to live alone.Needless to say,I'm limiting contact this person,as I don't need her negativity.On the plus side,I'm going to try a weekly knitting group as an outlet for me.I've been getting massages to de-kink the muscles and de-stress.I set up a still life in the dining room so I can draw in the small bits of free time. Still trying to find a doctor for her-so many docs aren't taking new patients,esp Medicare.The "elephant in the room"(you know, something ever present but not discussed)is that it appears time is here for a transition and there's no nice or easy way to say "Mom,this isn't working and you need to live on your own." Talk about major guilt ......
Here we go don’t know how to break it down all the events that have happened, but will try it will be boring. My name is Ann 53 only Child married to my husband Del for 15 years no children, when got married Del thought it was a good idea if my parents Gwen and Syd who were 70 at the time came and lived with us and move from a flat in London to a cottage in the country .We all paid 6 thousand pounds each and had extension put on the cottage.
My Dad was an easy going man, a nice man, and a lovely dad wasn’t very well at the time, but the country side did him good and he got better, potting round the garden, going down to the local, fishing, making new friends, playing with my little dogs, he love a bit of house work he liked to busy, it was like the house he never had everything for him was perfect.
My Mother on the other hand let’s says she was the opposite of Dad and she hated everything I can’t list all her objection it would take too long to write down. My Dad use to tell her they were much better off here and that they never had it so good much better off than they had ever been just paying £100 week and stop moaning and try and look on the bright side .
Well three years ago we lost my dad and my mother got cancer of the bowel and I left my job to look after her she over the cancer now she wished that the cancer killed her as it would have been better then living with me, it’s been a nightmare she 85 now strong willed very opinionated it’s like living with a stroppy teenager, she tales tails, blackmails me, phones my dad’s family and moans on how bad we treat her they know what she’s like they don’t like her much ether, Her own mother was not keen on her and her sister hated her.
she doesn’t like my cooking it’s too hot, to cold, over done, under done, foreign muck .Del won’t take her out for a meal anymore because she makes a loud fuss of complaining to staff in the restaurant ,that their food is rubbish.
Took her on holiday to Thailand for two week she had silly disagreement with dell about butter being left out the table, and would not live her room for two weeks what a fun time we had. So we never go anywhere or do anything where just her prisoners.
She just wants everything her way; I have to agree with everything she says. She is domineering monster she hits me and screams at me and sometimes I have lost it and grabbed her by the writs to shut her up so said she would phone social services and have me arrested , its terrible thing to say hate her, she made my life a misery with her moaning on and on all day and night .I dread every day I have to spend with her, at least Del goes to work and has 9 hours of sanity time, Del and I don’t know what to do we can’t throw her out, sometimes we feel like killing our self just to get away from her because she is really getting us down. I know we really need some help here but from whom, people would not believe us what life is like, and we both sound like a right pair of loonies. When I was a child she was a lovely Mum and couldn’t bear to be away from her because a loved her so much.
Since your mother says she'd rather she had died from cancer than to be living with you, would she really mind so much leaving? Could she go back to the kind of flat she lived in before and misses so much? Is she able to live independently?
I think you need to bring in someone from social services to help you explore options for making your lives better.
I was surprised at your last sentence. I'm glad you at least had a lovely mum in your childhood. Apparently something happened to change your mother. A stroke, maybe, or a blow to the head, or somehow a cruel mental illness has drastically changed her behavior. I feel very sorry for the poor woman. But making your lives miserable is not doing her any good, so I see no reason to sacrifice yourselves.
Please call in some professional help, and let us know how this is going for you.
There is no asking siblings. Most people have to be told what kind of help you need and given a schedule. Have a family meeting and make a plan that involves everyone. If they can't physically help, they certainly should provide some financial assistance if your Mom doesn't have money. I feel non-helping siblings can at least provide you a couple of long weekends each month all to yourself!
This is more than one person can handle 24/7. It may well be time for assisted living or nursing home. You have to take care of yourself first and husband should be your primary responsibility. The two of you earned the right to enjoy these retirement years.
She has no friends and doesn't do anything except fidget around the house. She is physically well for the most part, and does a good share of chores. Ladies have tried to befriend her but she wants no friends.
My problem is that she sneaks around, snoops and stalks and eavesdrops. I used to be able to take refuse in my garden but she peeks around corners and wants to "help". . She watches me and wants to help or makes inane comments on what I'm doing. She is driving me nuts!
She fidgets all day with my dogs: feeds them, puts them out, takes them in 5 minutes later, has to report their bladder and bowel habits in detail. Mostly because she has nothing else to do.
She needs medical treatment for depression and to get a life of her own. She refuses medical help because she's "not crazy". Well hell yes she is.
Lately I am so conflicted and guilty wishing for her to be gone.
Thanks for a place to vent!
them to spend their lives pacifying and placating me. There is plenty of svientr
That is, if you really want the situation to end. If you value your health more than you fear her disappointment. If your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.
If you don't want to take charge of your living arrangements, expect this to go on for another 30 to 40 years. I guarantee you that Mother is not going to wake up some morning and decide she'd like to move out.
My mom is a narcissist and has tried to control every aspect of my being for my 40+ years on this earth. I got away for a good number by marrying somebody 1800 miles away.
My husband's mother moved in with us for 6 months once, and then my own mother lived with us for a month in 2013. Both of them had no intentions of going anywhere once they landed, but neither one was compatible with sanity, comfort, or a harmonious home. They had to G-O, go!
You and your husband need to form a united front and explain how it's going to be to your mom. It will be ugly. She will be angry. Just expect it to go over like a lead balloon. She may rant, rage, pout, or even be silent. (I never got lucky and got the silent treatment - if only.)
You guys are YOUNG and deserve to live in a peaceful, harmonious home. You deserve personal time. You deserve to be alone.
If she is still in her right mind, you can do this several ways.
1. Eviction notice. You have to go and you have to be gone by x/x or your stuff will be on the lawn. We had to do this to my mother in law. Lady, if you want grandkids, you need to move out.
2. The obnoxious route. Make life uncomfortable for her. Walk around naked. Have loud sex - often. Play loud music. Invite a ship load of drunken sailors over to play strip charades.
3. Subtle approach. Go with her on tours of some local senior-only apartment buildings. Usually on tours, they'll feed you lunch and she can get a good feel for the place.
4. Combo Platter. Some of all of the above. We stopped tiptoeing around my mother and stopped catering to her every demand. If you're going to be in my house, you're going to have to adjust to it, not the other way around.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness in life. I had to be over 40 to learn that. I saw to my mom's safety and well being and that was it. We put her in a senior apartment with add on services. She was OK until she realized I wasn't going to be there, camped at her knee 24/7/365. I have a career, a home to clean, kids to wrangle, and a husband to cherish.
I quit expecting my mom to respect me as a separate human being. She's incapable of it. I quit expecting her to understand I have more obligations that she does. I quit expecting her to be reasonable about anything because it just wasn't going to happen.
The book Surviving the Borderline Mother really helped me out. And putting her into a nice reasonable senior place!
Like sandwich, I've quit expecting some things, and accepted some others. My mom will never change. She will always have unreasonable expections of my sister and I, and life in general. She doesn't choose to be happy and we aren't responsible for her happiness, especially as the efforts are futile. And the hardest thing to accept has been that the whole loving, doting mom was an act to get us to do as she wished. It turns out that we could be cast aside as she did friends who no longer did as she wanted. I can't tell you how many times we've been thrown under the bus.
My suggestion to you would be determine what you and your husband need to have happen. Research senior living options for her, a doctor to help her get a handle on the depression. Stay calm and detached when you discuss it - don't get pulled into a big emotional blowup - she'll be pulling out all the stops. Bear in mind that narcissistic moms don't put their spouses or kids first, so she will be expecting you to put her before your husband.
I wish I could tell you that at some point, the struggle lessens. But all you can do is take it one struggle at a time.
We're all sending you vibes for strength and calm.