My 8 month update on Mom’s passing.

Girl, I think that one may stay with you. Welcome it and embrace it.
All with my parents went so well all of my life, but there is a moment at the end with my Mom that lives in my soul, and always will.
My Mom and Dad had moved to Senior Independent Living probably too early (always wanting to make things easy) and then eventually down to a small duplex, then to their apartments, and finally, as a widow, my Mom moved to a sort of assisted living in the same faciliity.
During this time she (and my Dad when he was living) was in Missouri where they had lived since retirement, and I was nearing the end of my career and retirement from Nursing in California.
Then came the beginning of the end for my Mom.
UTI, pneumonia, hospitalizations, returns "home" with falls, catheters, more UTIs, and it was a lot of hospitalizations. Finally then the decision made to move to the SNF/Nursing end of facility-- where my aunt already had reigned queen for years-- was, and to her own "last room" with the last of her pretty things, and my bro and I went there to move her. We made the little room so pretty, but Mom was failing fast and I could see that.
My brother and I got her room all fixed and ready.
Then--and this is the thing I remember like it was yesterday-- just before the move she said to me, looking me in the face-- she who in her lifetime had NEVER ASKED ME FOR A SINGLE THING-- said gently and sadly as tho she already knew the answer "Is there no way that I could be able to stay here in my little room I love so until the end". I was due to fly home to work in days. And I said "Oh, Mom........ I don't see how".
She was dead in the place in two weeks, on Hospice care. I wasn't there. TWO WEEKS. We had fought together, she and I, with her doctor, for hospice, because he didn't think she would be gone in 6 months, but she knew she was going.
And in my heart, had I known, I COULD HAVE have stayed with her. When I shared that with my bro (gone now himself) he said "Oh, hon, she wanted to live forever and if you stayed her on that wire sofa she WOULD have". She was gone at 96. Wonderful Mom and wonderful life.
But in the end I let her down.
And I have heard those words forever. Gentle- said. So gently. Almost a whisper: "is there......no......way?"
And I hear still her last words to me the day she died, as she struggled to say that she "may not have been good as she should have been but she was good as she could have been"....and got it all garbled in her exhaustion and then said, on the PHONE 1,000s of miles from me "Oh! YOU know what I mean". And we had a last chuckle.
There are seconds that are ENGRAVED on your mind, AsianDaughter, that are a part of your soul so long as you breath. It's OK. It a whole picture, and it's a portrait of love you have painted for us here with such fine strokes.
I am so glad to hear from you and that you are better. It will all fade with time. For me, my beloved brother already fading so much in three years, that it's hard to call him back to me. I think sometimes we just don't want to let them go completely, so we hang on. And what lives most easily? Well, our shortcomings, of course.
Please take care and so good to see you here.

We all do the very best we can do, and that's exactly what you did, and that's all any of us can do.
Nothing you said or did hastened your mothers death. And your mother certainly wouldn't want you thinking that it did, as she wants you to now move on and live and enjoy your life.
You took great care of her and she knew it, and you know it too.
So honor her now with living your best life, with no regrets.

The thing is we don't know exactly what will happen and we do what we think is best for them. I too go over and over my decisions about the care facilities at the end of her life. Had I moved her to a different memory care, would she have gotten covid that caused her decline? Would she have fallen at a different place? My husband will tell me when I express these lingering questions that it is in the past and there is no point thinking about it. He has a rational mind. I do not and visions of her come often. Her humor, her off the wall jokes. Her dependency on me. It's been over a year since she died in my arms.

Have you considered that admitting you were done allowed her to do the same? I mean that in the sense that she might have been fighting because she was trying for your sake, and what you said gave her permission to let go 🤗

AsianDaughter,
If your Mom could tell you how she feels about what you said, what do you think she would say now?

Imagine, that she would say:
Your words did not cause me to die.
I forgive you, and I love you.
I would never leave you if I could have stayed.
A mother's love endures forever.

Forgive yourself for anything you may have thought hurt.

I am struggling with the same type of thing. I moved mom back to my home, from an AlF, only a couple of days before she died. She was happy and seemed completely unaware of her situation until the day of her death. That morning she raised up and said “am I dying?,,,,,,I DO NOT WANT TO DIE”. After being her champion for many years, I was unable to overcome this inevitable process…..dying. I do tell myself that she may have had a much more severe ending had I not been there all of those years.

My friends in this forum have told me…you cannot fix it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it.

You do the best you can in the moment you are in! It is always easy to evaluate the past…you can do that with clear vision and an understanding of how things ultimately ended. She/my mom were blessed that you/I were there and able to take care of them the best we could.

I am finding that holding myself to a level of perfection (as I have done) is to high an expectation. I can never make that level. It is just impossible. But I am learning to accept that, despite what I wish I could change, I was there in that moment for her.

I wish us both peace and blessings. We have more life to live.

How many of the caregivers have cried out: "I cannot do this anymore?"

You have no power over when someone dies or lives when elderly and sick.

We are all born to die, that is the ultimate solution. which we have no control over.

Reframe your thinking, you may have given her the permission she needed to move on to a better place.

When my father was in hospice the nurse told me to consider giving him permission to die, I did and he passed less than a 1/2 hour later. It was for the best, he was at peace.

I feel no guilt, it was the right thing to do.

Asian,

You are making progress. I remember your earlier struggles.

We all do the best that we can. I cannot say that I know how you feel. I’m sure that those memories are difficult.

My mom did not want more time. She was at peace with death and I am truly grateful that she was.

My mother suffered so long with her Parkinson’s disease and other ailments that she was ready for her time on this earth to be over. I understood how she felt.

Caregiving has its challenges. It’s very hard and we sometimes wonder when it will end. When it does end we grieve for the people that we lost.

These emotions are a natural cycle of life. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Best wishes to you as you move forward.