Multiple concussions and behavioral changes?
My Dh has a long history of health scares, not the least of which has been 4 MAJOR concussions in adulthood--and who knows how many as a kid?
In the last few years, he has become very different. Angry, a lot. Teases me and the kids (all grown & married) relentlessly and never apologizes for hurt feelings.
Yesterday he got into a big fight with my YD and her cousin on FB. SO EMBARASSING. They were discussing the rioting and just--social anxiety ad doing so in a very Gen X way---they take these things very seriously. Because they ARE. He joined in the discussion and was very disrespectful and rude. I could just envision my militant little niece just losing her mind over how rude he was being. I'm USED to him, and I felt he crossed many lines.
I PM'ed my YD and asked her to just unfriend and block her father from her FB feed as this goes on all the time. He thinks he is right. Always. No matter what the discussion, his ideas are RIGHT.
His brother does not speak to him at all. He's extremely liberal and my DH is very conservative--kind of the epitome of white privilege that doesn't GET that he's super privileged----
I've noticed in the last few years (since the last and worse concussion) that he is much meaner and snarkier. I cannot have a conversation with him that doesn't wind up with him blasting liberals and anyone who doesn't agree with him.
Yesterday I tried to ask him to just take a month off from FB. I said "would you do this for me?" and he said "You don't get it. I'm just kidding. They know that". No, no sir, they DON'T get it. And he doesn't even notice when the g-kids are here and he goes on a rant and next thing you know, the kids have gathered up their families and gone home, rather than subject the grands to his rudeness.
He was NOT like this when we got married. It started after his liver transplant, but got much worse as he got better and began doing high risk activities. Rock climbing, mountaineering, trying to ride a motorcycle. All resulting in really bad concussions.
Yesterday I was ready to pack and leave him. We have not shared a bed or bedroom for 7 years--after that last concussion, he started keeping weird hours and was not respectful of my need to turn out the lights by 10 and GO TO SLEEP. He HAS to have the TV on, or be listening to something all night long--podcasts, whatever. He actually chose a damn TV over a relationship with me.
And no, this is NOT discussable. I try to bring it up and he shuts me down with a "oh, as long as we do what YOU want, it's all good".
I don't think he's completely unaware of this behavior. Last week I was reading on the couch, just immersed in my book and he was doing the crossword and suddenly he says "Sometimes I am a real jerk." I said "Well, that's insightful. And true. What do you plan to do about it?" He sat for a minute and said "Nothing. I literally don't give a flying F what people think of me".
This is NOT the man I married. I don't cover for him and I don't make excuses. He doesn't see that his kids are all embarrassed of him, as am I, and he seems to have no 'heart' as it were.
He's planning to retire sometime in the next 18 months. I am honestly thinking of retiring to a duplex, where I do not have to deal with him.
Yes. I am in therapy. No, he is not. Went for a few months, then his therapist graduated. Won't go back.
I'm not looking for excuses for him, but if his behavior is being caused by the many bangs to the head---maybe he'd be a little less mean.
He's not always this way---but every day, I kind of wonder who is going to get up in the morning.
Normally he travels 3 weeks a month and this hasn't been so apparent to me. But with COVID he's been home all year and it has NOT been pleasant--not by a mile.
Thoughts? I truly respect the opinions of the people on this site.
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I get that divorce or separation is off the table, but maybe a home with a granny suite where he can wallow totally apart from you?
But we are retiring to a different home and I think a man lair (separate from the house!!!) may be in order.
He's sitting right here next to me, trying to work and I'm going outside!
OTOH, if he lived for these activities, and some do because they're so rewarding, could he be resentful that he can't do these any more and is stuck at home? Resentment can cause a lot of negativity.
A therapist had to remind me that it was my husband's condition that made him behave that way. We may not be able to fix it, but 1) There will be good days, and worse days for hubs. A TBI patient is very hard to live with or help.
2) There are techniques that professional caregivers can use to distract, improve mood, and as wives, we can learn to use them.
However, as wives, we cannot do this 24/7! Sometimes, not at all because it is not a wife's role usually to be a therapist/caregiver to our spouses. Keep in mind, that even therapists limit their time to 45-55 min. twice a week. Can we be expected to do more than that?
Your own recovery may take a year + after chemotherapy, because of the chemo fog. During these more difficult times, yes, go outside, clear your head, think kind thoughts. About yourself, and about hubs. And think of some personal ways to help yourself. Do your makeup, moisturizer, do your nails (away from his presence). Feel more beautiful. Anything you are putting off doing for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Have you ever bought yourself some flowers? Sounds too simple, huh?
Disclaimer: Not into the me me me or self self self, but I bet you do neglect your own needs? You can find a balance between self,
self neglect, and helping others. It is ok to relax and do nothing.
It sounds like the whole situation is hopeless. Take heart, that is when God shows up to help you through this.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-traumatic-encephalopathy/symptoms-causes/syc-20370921
This COVID thing has made me rethink the layout of the 'possible' retirement home--he will need his own spaces and I will need mine.
I am going to suggest an MRI at some point, actually, our SIL and daughter are coming home from his last medical training and DH really admires and listens to Dr Joe, so I think I can get Dr Joe to bring this up with DH and he'll listen.
Sadly, we were one of those 70's couples who got married and had a baby 14 months later and then pretty quickly, 4 more--and we never got to know each other, really.
Not unusual, but hard as we have almost nothing in common.
I'll do some more research and hopefully, get some insight as to why he is such a difficult character at times.
(I'm certainly not saying I'm a blessing to live with! I just don't want to spend the last 20 years of my life scrapping with man)
I probably should add that as an example he had the world's worst marriage as a "guideline". I never heard his parents say a kind thing to each other all the time they were married. DH expects that as the norm---even still, when he knows I am nothing like his mom.
Look at all the Football players, boxers and other sports players that have had brain injuries concussions over the course of years. It does have an effect on cognitive ability. (great movie on this very subject Will Smith in Concussion)
He is not going or I should say his brain is not going to know the difference between a TBI and "dementia" from other diagnosis. The damage is done. There is no cure for it. The results are the same. The brain will continue to deteriorate .
He should be evaluated by a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for a good diagnosis.
A neuro visit is being considered, as he does respect our 2 inlaw kids who are Drs, who have maintained from day one of their entry into the family that he is 'not OK'. The slightest bit of pressure from either of them will be believed and taken into consideration.
I have had a couple of serious discussions with him about his lack of filter when talking to people and also the distancing our kids have been practicing with him--he really, really loves the kids and respects their opinions. He has to come to the conclusion he needs to change or else he is going to be real lonely.
Being bunkered down with him for the last 4 months has really opened my eyes to the fact his mood issues are the 'norm'. He's not a mean guy, just a guy who, as my OD said, "Isn't relevant any more. Nobody cares what a nearly 70 yo man has to say. Esp a big, white, privileged male." Hm. I thought that was insightful, really. He talks LOUDLY but no one is listening anymore.
We age out of being 'worth' listening to pretty darn fast. Being a woman, raised in the 50's & 60's, nobody ever listened to me. (Do have any amens on that?) He's starting to feel what I've felt for my whole life--like my voice had no voice.
Things are better now he is going out of the house for work. I am not on high alert all day---and I know what kind of place I'm looking for for retiring. One that has 'his space' as far from mine as humanly possible.
I appreciate the comments. I had to get some outside opinions. While we have not gotten COVID, it's been as if we were sick, stuck inside for weeks on end. I think a lot of people have looked at this and learned a lot--for good or bad.