More than a question.
Mommy has had dementia for 9 years, approaching 10. I’m her only child, a 42-year-old man. I can’t stop feeling hurt because once mommy hurts I hurt. I can live with that, my mind is strong.
It has been one hell of a road.
Trying to make all the right decisions medically for her, I’ve tried all the prescriptions years ago and they were too strong for mommy even, the lowest mg. She is still smiling and can walk, eat for herself, at times watch a show and listen to music. No meds.
Anyway, I really came to say that it’s a hurtful thing because I live in Trinidad in the Caribbean and the majority of mommy’s friends and neighbors totally ignore her. Remember, I am her only son. I am very defensive and protective of my mom more than ever now as she can’t defend herself when ppl calling her mad. Ohhh those words and all the injustice my mother has faced since becoming ill. It almost destroyed me. The hurt
I was alone trying to tell her in the first 6 years: Please mommy stop it, don’t do this or that. Not understanding or I should say not being able to control my scattered and torn emotions. Guilt has taken hold of me sadness. Grief, anger, I still take care of her. I still am emotionally affected by it, it’s a struggle in my personal relationships.
I have made horrible mistakes that never happened before mommy’s illness. Honestly no one will understand this situation unless they live it. They think it’s “accept it" and move on.
I understand I must move on, but they don’t understand that for a son to move on from mommy is impossible for me. I'd rather continue being hopeful, despite the facts and reality. That hope gives me a drive. I am a Rastafarian and we say "Thanks to Jah" we have this determination and hope. At 42 I still cry for my mistakes. Sometimes I can’t look at the pics of mommy on my phone, but I have to continue, for her. She is more than deserving.
I wish she could give dementia to myself and free her even for a moment, but reality does not mix with wishes. I accept, to all those like myself lift yourself up you are not alone
Keep climbing and Jah (God) will slowly but surely remove the guilt. I can't put mommy in an institution it’s too expensive or the less expensive ones are terrible.
Once it’s a mental health situation Isure abuse is 80% to occur. In Trinidad it’s horrible for loved ones with any mental condition. It’s rough but Jah never give us more than we can bear.
I write this with tears in my eyes hopefully it lets some good person know it’s ok forgive urself and Jah will forgive u
Love is a powerful thing, control the emotions when it seems u can’t change a situation because live can quickly turn to chaos.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best. You have learned a lot on your journey and understand a lot about your Mom's condition now. I hope that you have the support of kind friends and your faith-based community.
If it was not for Gods’ blessing and strength mommy would not be able to smile today,that smile keeps me going!!!
........."as I said before in the early stages I was too physical at times with mom so hence the guilt".........
When I asked you to elaborate on what you mean it seems to me your answer didn't address my question.
Ricardo, have you been physically abusive to your mom in moments of anger? If so, I would highly recommend that you place her in safe care. It is understandable that some are unable to do elder care because they are triggered into angry episodes, but it isn't forgivable to physically abuse someone, male or female of any age, and especially a fragile elder or a child who is completely without means of any defense.
I am hoping you can reassure us that any such thing occurred long in the past and that you do not now feel emotionally unstable in caring for your mom to a point where you might be triggered into violence.
I respect your concern
Having to restrain mommy non violently when she wanted to run away from home because of fear of the “voices”as I said in the “early stages” especially with those harmful drugs that were being prescribed that made her very unstable and uneasy,confused and more eratic,I had to hold my mother down non violently as tying her down is not in me as some professionals advised years ago, this was only during the times when she was on prescription as and I’m not sure I can call those prescriptions names but everyone of them has paid millions or billions in damages (public knowledge) these drugs made her more fearful and scared, not even being able to walk hence the reason I had no choice to take her off of these harmful medz. It’s been 4 years approaching 5 since no medz and everything has been good with mommy thank God a big improvement.
Not everyone processes things the same but I hurt for my mother but it’s not all about me.I have a young son which brings mommy joy,his mother lives here as well and she respects my mother which I am grateful for. My life requires traveling which I have done in the past which is before my son was born and the paid caretakers were the usual,non respectful to my mom,since I have sacrificed my travels and spearheaded the care of my
mom she is much more happier….as I said she smiles,sometimes a chuckle ,she can eat a sandwich on her own ,she is not fearful,she has stopped being as confused as before so I’m happy for her.For my future travels though my home will have cameras everywhere so I can monitor because that’s within my right.
In Trinidad and Tobago,mental health care “here” is non existent,that’s where the real abuse is and diminishing of your parents starts,that’s why I keep mommy in “her” home. Caretaking is all business “here” not really care.
I hope I not speak too much but I have never had the opportunity to share my experience with good people who actually care about demented family members or patients that’s why I was being open and true.
i have one last question
Do the drugs truly help the patients or does it help the caretaker to have an easier job?
As a retired RN I can tell you that drugs often have opposite effects to what they were prescribed for. After my brother's accident, during his hospitalization, I saw him just about literally climb a wall in hospital after being given ativan. ( Yes, you can name drugs here.) It is well known, and acknowledged even by drug companies, that drugs can be unpredictable for effects and side effects; sadly sometimes there is no alternative but to TRY them. They help some. And they harm others. And most of us on Forum have seen a good deal of BOTH outcomes.
I am sure you have been forgiven.
I am so sorry that you have been through all of this with your mom.
Drugs affect everyone differently. It’s trial and error.
I hope that you are able to find the best solution for this challenging situation.