Hi group.
I live in NY and dad in PA. Last Time I saw him was in November, but we talk regularly. Last time he was having back issues and very slow to move. He and lady friend of 40 years live in 2 condos next to each other and she helps him as much as she can. They were planning on moving to assisted living together. He called me 3 days ago and said they were ending their relationship and he doesn’t know what to do. He was going to move in alone to assisted living there, but I told him to think about moving to my town. I came down yesterday. He has health issues: Afib, just diagnosed w congestive heart failure, and had stroke in eye which has ruined sight in left eye. I was SHOCKED when I saw him. A few things became clear. He is very very depressed. He seems to have a drinking problem. “I need it to relax,” he asked me to bring him gin and as evening progressed he was more forgetful and rude and finally he didn’t know who I was, “Who are you, why are you here.” I had to leave, go back and try like hell to convince him to go inside . He reeks of pee. He goes between, "I'm sorry, I'm your father I shouldn’t be this way” and "I never thought my life would end this way,” and "I want to not wake up." Then he bounces back and gets agitated. I’m an only child and he has always been my hero. He is an ex marine who has traveled, people love him, he’s always looked after himself. I don’t know this man. He let me call his eye Dr. with him and he was rude to them. I learned he hasn’t been compliant, and I tried to get them to see him tomorrow, they agreed. Then he refused and now they’ve cut him off. He is at risk of losing his eye. He clearly needs assisted living. I think he may have the beginnings of dementia. He has depression and a drinking problem. Problem is, he won’t let me talk to his Dr. He wants to come to Buffalo, but in 3 days here he can’t sit down to plan because he goes round and round. I don’t know where to start. He’s selling his place, but I’m concerned about leaving him alone when I go bc he’ll be all alone. He’s refusing a lifeline device. I don’t have authorization to talk to his Dr. What steps do I need to take? Who can I get to check on him if he stays in his own place until he comes up with me? How do I deal with this alcohol issues? I know he needs tough love, but this has been such a shock to me I’m not adjusted to it all. I can’t do this on my own. Are there people that help plan this kind of thing? I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and I need him to figure out 1) How will he get by on his own for now, mid-term and what is his long-term plan. He thinks this is all going to just magically happen by June. It’s not, sorry. I’m ranting but tomorrow is my last day here with him then I head back. I’m panicking without a plan. Thank you all.
I agree with Daughterof1930, please get your Dad to the hospital, ER. Call 911 today. He needs urgent help for his eye.
Your Father sounds like he is in crises. I think it would be appropriate to call for help - his Doctor (if they will take your call) or call EMS.
His crises might be the result of many factors - stroke, behaviour changes, anxiety, drinking, stress, relationship breakdown, who knows what other medical issues. Bottom line is he is not coping alone & is expressing 'death wish'.
He may need a stint as in inpatient to start unwinding his crises. Medical assessments, dementia & mental health screening, needs assessment for mobility, ADLs. A licenced Social Worker may be a useful part of his team, especially regarding a change to Assisted Living.
Don't stay on the train while it de-rails. Leap free. Being trapped won't help. You need to be free to & call for help. Rework your role to be Advocate while you are in town. Aim for a safe place now. The longer living arrangements can be made later.
Maybe his partner may be able to fill you in more? Maybe breaking up was needed to get him some help.
Call 911 NOW and have them take him to the ER. He needs to be somewhere where he can get detoxed, have his eye looked at and his mental health checked.
If you need to Baker Act him (ask for an involuntary psychiatric hold), do so.
You need to speak to the social workers at the hospital about his current living situation and the fact that he lives alone and cannot do so any longer.
He shouldn’t live with you. Addiction is miserable to observe and could put you in danger if he gets angry and violent. You won’t be able to reason with him if he’s drunk and irrational. I don’t see much hope here for an acceptable outcome.
On the other hand if he could land in a good residential alcohol abuse program, maybe he’d have a chance. It’s worth trying if you can convince him.
Do anything you can to keep him from moving in with you. That’s a recipe for disaster.
As you most likely know, addiction is a disease. When people have been drinking the way your dad has, they simply cannot stop.
It’s actually dangerous for him to stop cold turkey. The other serious danger is mixing alcohol with certain medications. Do you know if your dad is currently taking meds for other health issues?
I agree that with the suggestion made by others that you should attend Al-Anon meetings.
I have gone to meetings and they are helpful. You will be in the company of others who have been through the same thing that you are going through now.
I am sorry that you don’t have access to inquire about your dad’s medical history.
You can try to speak with the doctor about his situation. If you call and the doctor doesn’t return your call because you aren’t authorized to receive information. You could write a letter to the doctor and explain what is going on.
If you are able to get your dad into the hospital, the staff will help him to detox safely.
I feel your pain. I grew up with an addict. At one point, I desperately tried to help my oldest brother (now deceased) and he refused my help.
I made the choice to walk away. I know how hard it is to turn your back someone who you love but trust me it’s necessary. It’s your only shot at helping them.
My brother asked to stay in my home. I told him that wasn’t the answer to his problem.
If you enable your dad he will make your life a living hell. An addict will promise you the sun, moon and stars and never deliver on their promises.
Addicts are quite good at deception until the problem becomes bigger than they are. This seems to be where your dad is. His problem is too much for him to handle on his own.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this awful situation.
I just wanted to offer support and say "I get it". I hope you can get dad to the ER for a full medical workup soon. Then placed in Assisted Living as I did with my folks, as they both wound up needing a lot of care out of my realm of capability.
Best of luck to you.
As you observed, Dad doesn't want to go into ALF, which he needs at this point, and he is an alcoholic. You can do nothing about either of those decisions.
Once you know there is nothing you can do you are stuck with waiting for the stuff to hit the fan. You will get a call telling you your Dad is in hospital; he will either be dead or alive. I would save any plans for trips to Dad for that call.
And again, if you are not POA and Dad is not judged incompetent, you will be powerless.
I can see no other choice than to leave Dad to the fate his choices dictate. For yourself, go to Al-Anon. Practice the serenity prayer over and over. Make it your philosophy.
The fact Dad had a relationship allowed you to ignore the facts, but the facts have likely been bad for some time, and there never WAS anything you could do about them.
I would allow the state to step in when Dad finally needs a 5150, diagnosis, and guardianship. Let the state take on this man. I was POA/Trustee for a lovely, gentle, wise, organized man who was in his right mind, and cooperative. THAT was hard enough.
Basically, the short answer is "Nothing. There is nothing you can plan or do". I am so sorry. This is so often the case.
Maybe get Dad in an AL where he is till u can work out something in NY. And I am with Lea in do not feel guilty. My brothers did not even visit my Mom, maybe once, in that last yr of her life. They had no idea how much she declined. You will find a lot of people, like Lea, who brought their parents to live with them from out of state only to find their care was more than they were capable of doing. One parent dies, the other a child takes in to live with them, only to find that the parent who died covered up that the other parent had Dementia.
One thing to watch out for--if you think Dad will need Medicaid down the road, proceed with caution when selling car/condo etc for less than FMV.
One should always consult an Elder Law attorney at the beginning; this is an emergency situation, but I hope Buffalo will get a consult before selling the Condo and moving her dad.
It may be fine. It's just that we read many sad tales here of folks who thought they were doing the right thing, only to have the situation blow up in their faces.
Buffalogal, hi-five & fist pump to you. You got this!
This is what can be accomplished when you keep calm, keep your wits, face the reality of a situation head on (no matter how scary it first appears), reach out, research & take action. I'm impressed.
This train is set on new tracks already. Sure there may be more surprises up ahead, some steep hills, low points or breakdowns.. but you have the tools you need (or know how to find them).
Selling the car, Mom sold hers for $500 in 2014, Book value was $700. It was a cash transaction. She didn't have it at time of the Medicaid application, so I didn't include it as an asset. It was never questioned. I was probably asked "does she have a car" I said "No" and the caseworker went to the next question.
I am glad that Dad is going to live near you. My suggestion would be is to set boundries now. When you can visit, how many calls a day you can tolerate. He needs to mingle with the other residents and be involved in activities and outings. You can't be his everything. And you take advantage of what the AL has. If they have a van for shopping or appts use it.