I have my mom lying with me and she has been with my husband and i for 4 years now. She was having a few problems with isolating herself after my dad died, then my brother died and she lost her home to a flood. The latter two happened in the same year. She had a breakdown and we had her move in with us. We weren't as prepared for her being here as we thought. I gave her the two bedrooms upstairs and me and my husband moved to the basement. She keeps the doors shut on both rooms as we own cats and she doesn't want them in there. She uses one room like it is her living room and the other is her bedroom. She comes out just to go to the bathroom or get food out of the kitchen and that is pretty much it.. She can't hear even with hearing aides in. She ran into our house a couple years back plus a few other things along the way, so we had to take her car. She was walking on a daily basis, but then she fell and fractured her pelvic bone. We got through that with some really good physical therapists. She was back to walking in no time. She does not stay hydrated and is super prone to getting UTI's, I cannot count the times that I have had to take her to the doctor to give a urine sample. When she gets the UTI's I can tell right away because the talking to my dead 'brother and father increases 10 fold,' and she is mean to me. When she has a UTI she gets fruity tuty syndrome, and seems to forget how we got to where we are today. Like her not having car, or that I give her meds to her now and I write her checks and mail them. She thinks I have taken these things away from her. I do see her perspective, but she can't see to drive, she was always doubling up on her meds and mailing letters that had no stamp or she would put her ID number as the address that it was being mailed to. I am on her checking account now, as my sister was but she was stealing money from my mom so she was taken off the account. I will not sign a check, the only thing I do is write the check and I mail the bill out. She signs them. But as I said she forgot how we got to this point today. My mom is 80 years old and I struggle to think that one day she will be gone and it will break my heart and I will miss her, but I'm afraid I will feel some relief as well. I think that I have made things easy for my mom and assisted in creating the monster that she can sometimes be. That is another story and I'm not up to typing all of that. I get no help from my sister because I feel she is not getting nothing from mom no more and doesn't see a reason to help. In fact for mothers day I am the only one that got mom anything my sister didn't even call my mom. I at first was angry about it but now I think that my sister will have to live with the guilt she will have when mom is no longer hear. I am sorry for going on and on, and I don't really have any questions to ask. I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately and needed to talk it out to people that can relate to what I'm going through.
I think most of us know that one day our parent(s) will pass on and we will face the grief and have to learn to live without them. That's just a part of life. What we don't expect as a society is the years of limbo-land. I never expected my parents to spend so many years unable to live independently. Society doesn't really address that, or tell us what we are supposed to do with them???
The common adage is that you will care for them in the way that they cared for you as a baby/child. But it's not the same, is it? A parent raising a child is typically young and energetic, and most children grow & progress over an anticipated timeline. With an elder, the "child" caregiver is probably somewhere between 45-75, possibly in the prime of their career or dealing with their own health issues. There is no expected progression or timeline with the elder, how do you plan or prepare?
Children are sent to school, daycare, camp, to spend the night at a friend's house, to stay at grandma's, etc. An elder is usually so inflexible that he/she cannot be separated from their daily routine. So the caregiver is grounded, indefinitely. You had dreams your whole life of travel & hobbies at some point? Well, maybe some day.
People are living longer, but may spend upwards of 20 years unable to live independently. I wish we could address this as a society, but we won't. We keep fighting over yesterday's problems or making up new stuff to fight over as a society.
What I see is people having children later in life, 35 and up. When these parents are 80 their children will only be in their in there mid 40s still raising families and working. Caregiving a parent will not happen. This country needs an affordable way where these older parents can be placed. Some just fall thru the cracks. No money for AL and not sick enough for LTC. Their grandchildren deserve to have the full attn if a parent.
This appointment is as much for you as it is for her.
If you have questions or need advice people may have hints for you that may help. Meanwhile I will refrain from any advice as your plate seems full enough without extra helpings. Certainly do wish you the very best of luck. I can tell you for myself, that when my MUCH LOVED and quite independent parents did pass I kept their love with me, and I will tell you I felt great relief that they had no more worries, had rest, and that they didn't need to be fearful anymore of what might come. I think we can both feel relief and feel great love and loss at the same time.
It also sounds like she needs to be monitored a bit more so that she is getting the fluids that she needs. So living in 2 rooms venturing out to go to the kitchen or bathroom is not enough.
Maybe move yourself and your husband back upstairs where you belong and reduce her room to the bedroom. She should have the second bedroom, you and hubby take the main bedroom back. That way you are also able to monitor her bathroom habits and pick up on anything that might be going on.
Do you need help with mom? If so have you actually asked your sister to help out? have you called and said..."I have a doctor appointment today can you come stay with mom for a few hours? Or take her to lunch"
Are you asking mom to do all that she can do for herself and for you?
If mom needs a caregiver and you are the caregiver you should be getting paid.
Mom pays you
Is mom contributing to the household expenses?
If not she should be. If there are 3 of you living there divide ALL expenses by 3 and that is what she should pay you. (mortgage, utilities, food, homeowners insurance. And you should be getting paid for driving her to appointments)
My mom is also 80 and living with me since she & dad moved in 3 years ago (he passed away after about a year). I have 3 siblings - sister lives out of the country and only calls 4 times a week. She came to visit last year and probably won't see mom again before mom passes away (depending on a lot). Brothers live in different states - one just came for a visit with his family, which was good. The other is working about 4-5 hours away and can't be bothered to come visit because he thinks any time off should be spent with "his family." !!!
Mom drives me nuts b/c she wants to be in control, but lately, I'm noticing what look to me like maybe a bit of depression. She's also been struggling with COPD (chronic bronchitis - never smoked), which can get a bit scary. However, she won't go to the doctor "because there is nothing they can do!" (◔_◔) (－‸ლ)
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Point of all of that is, you are doing for your mom what she needs. Yes, you will feel relief when she goes - no, that is not something to feel guilty about; it's a feeling, and it's part of the package. I'm going to feel terribly sad when my mom goes, but at the same time, I know I'm doing everything I can to help her stay as independent as possible and have as much as I can give her.
Hope you have a good day today - you, your husband, and your mom!! :)
Yes, you will be there until the end, loving her in spite of difficulties and doing your best to make sure she is OK. However “ whatever I have to do to help” may not be the same as all the hands-on care in your own home. Sometimes the best help is to find her good 24-hour care, and keep your relationship with her as a less stressed daughter.
https://www.caregiveraction.org/finding-right-support-group - How to find the right support group