In debt, struggling long term caretaker, feeling desperate to get away from narcissist mother, but have no way out. Angry, tired, and stuck.

Hello everyone. I’m new here, and I’ll try to share my story in a nutshell. I’m a 65 year old currently caring for my mother over the last 3-4 years, after caring for my stepfather for 4 years. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m angry, and I’m very sad. Not depressed. Just very sad about how my situation has played out. I know there are many of you whom have had somewhat similar situations with a parent. Never ever imagining it would be like it is.
I was a child born into neglect and abuse. The oldest of 9. When I was 8, the first 6 of us were removed from our natural family and made wards of the court, and placed up for adoption. Being the oldest I was always referred to as “the ringleader” and never by my given name because I watched out for my siblings. I was invisible. I did my best to care for them. I got us to school, got us food if we had something, and kept them all as quiet as possible in order to keep us under our father’s radar.
After the county took us away, I went through 3 institutions because of limited space in the children’s village, and 7 foster homes. When I turned 12, the program director of a program I was in, and his wife took me in and adopted me. I was 13. The first 7 years with them was like a dream come true. I prayed to God. I promised I would be the best little girl, do well in school, follow the rules I was given, do my chores, make good grades, and do anything to make sure they would never regret they had adopted me, and would do anything I could to make them proud. I kept that promise to God. I worked hard to change my negative behavior, speak correctly, and speak only when spoken too. I didn’t argue, or complain. I always answered “yes sir, no sir”, or “yes ma’am, no ma’am” as directed. They weren’t harsh. But my adoptive father knew I was a little rough from going through the system. Therefore he felt the need to put down the rules, boundaries, and expectations. He was the program director of the youth program I was put into. He dealt with a LOT of kids for many years that went through the system. They had no children of their own. My mother was in school getting her masters in language arts, and ended up traveling the world doing workshops. So she was rarely home accept during summer months. My dad kept very busy running the program and dealing with the other kids. I was not allowed to have friends that where in the program. I guess he thought they were a bad influence. The years I lived in Oxford were the best years of my life. Then a very sudden change occurred right after my high school graduation. My father left his position and took a job in a different state. I was devastated. I lived my life there. I felt like a person who had a life when previously I was invisible. I had friends. We moved. My parents started fighting. My mother became an alcoholic. My father started an affair with his secretary. I watched it all happening and could do nothing. I felt I had lost another family. I came ready made. I could dress myself, bath myself, feed myself, be responsible and follow rules, and always do what I was supposed to do. They never had to worry about me. My mother was always a narcissistic person. She loved her job and people loved her. But they didn’t have to live with her. She abhorred cussing, incorrect speech, and believed it was important to present yourself a certain way. Appearances were ALWAYS important. She only showed people what she wanted them to see. So often people would tell me how lucky or fortunate I was to be taken in by such a wonderful woman when they had no idea what they were talking about. My father left us. He tried to tell me but I didn’t quite understand, although I had a clue. Still I didn’t want to believe. I TRIED to see thing her way. But I’ve always been a realist. Abuse does that. Now after so many years I am stuck caring for a woman I do not like. I don’t know who I am. I feel lost. Angry. Guilty, and trapped. I have no way out.Suffocating.