Thank God for whoever started this thread. I grew up with a nasty, mean, foul mother who hated everyone and taught me to do the same. I was lucky because my father was just the opposite and I caught myself when I realized that I was taking after her. I was lucky to be able to change the way i thought despite years of brainwashing. She hated everyone, my father, her inlaws, his family, the neighbors, everyone. She now sits in an assisted living for the past year that I'm going broke paying for with advanced basal cell (20 years of refusing treatment her face is as disgusting as she is) and she's hanging on because of her anger and hate. I believe that keeps her going. I am the only person left that bothers with her, i stopped my kids from going up to see her because she would insult them and say mean things. One of my brothers hasn't talked to any of us in 10 years, the other lives far away and doesn't care so it's all on me. She's currently not talking to me again, despite my bringing her home cooked food, bakery things, homemade treats, diapers, the newspaper, and visiting her 4 times a week. Why do you ask? Because last weekend I helped my daughter move into a new apartment. She doesn't believe I should have done that so I'm getting the silent treatment. Last time she pulled this crap, I didn't talk to her for over a month. I'm always the one who has to make this right even though I didn't do anything. She pulls things out of thin air, its stirs in her and she sits in the misery. I hate her so much yet I kiss her ass because I'm all she's got and I think its the right thing to do. I cry all the time, i'm starting a new job because I had to quit the last one because of this, and Im afraid i won't be able to concentrate and will lose the job I renovated her mouse invested house, took me 12 months to clear it out (she had an old phone collection of 20 phones thrown on a shelf, paid for renovations to make it livable and moved in so i could sell my house to pay for her care. She reminds me daily that she's not charging me rent despite my paying her fucking $7000 bill every month. I hate her so much. What is wrong with this generation that they are so full of hate and venom? I would never ever do this to any of my kids ever and I pray that I die before they have to take care of me although they all said the want to because i'm the best mom ever. Thank God i'm nothing like her.
But I have to ask, "what do you want from your mother?" Your first answer will be "nothing," but there is something you want or need that prehaps you are not aware of. I ask because 1) you always make up with her even if she is mistreating you, 2) people cannot get us angry if we don't care. I became aware of this with my own relationship with my mother.
However, you need to cut your visits down to once a week, and tell your mother that you will not let her mistreat you anymore. Set boundaries! If she won't talk to you or is verbally abusive than leave.
Pray for her...this sounds crazy...but I have found that praying for my own mother has some how set me free. What should you pray...that her heart is open, that she finds peace & enlightment. Ask God to forgive her. Just try it...even if you don't believe! What do you have to lose?
God bless you.
Also, I think it would really help you to talk to a therapist that can help you work through your feelings about your mom. Mine has been a lifesaver through everything with mine too. She doesn't judge me, just helps me talk through things and gives me ways to cope and set boundaries with my mom to protect my sanity.
Hugs to you, I'm very sorry you are going through this. You have every right to be angry and feel the way you do, but the stress is not good for you. I believe in prayer also, it too has helped me. You are loved by an amazing God.
I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. Come here anytime you need to talk or vent.
I too would advise you to decrease the time you visit to once a week.
Yes we are forever connected through blood with our parents but that doesn’t mean we have to like them.
“Misery loves company” rings true as someone stated above. Miserable people want to take down everyone around them- don’t fall into her trap.
Visit weekly and hold her accountable for her behavior, which has consequences. Explain to her if she asks but keep it simple - no need to give her a reason to go off on a rant, & if she does, excuse yourself and let her know you are going home & will talk with her next week.
You get an “Atta’ girl” from me Life is too short for vitriol and hate. Don’t let her choice to be miserable rub off on you.
Good luck!
I sought to win my mothers approval all my life - even past the point when dementia caused her to no longer know who I was.
My husband would have had a better childhood had he been raised by a pack of wolves. Yet he was always there for his mother - albeit all the way across the country - called every Sunday, bought her the small house she just had to have, replace her old TV with a big flat screen after she purposely poured water down the vent in the back of her old one so it was “broken”, paid to get her out of collects for credit card debt - at least twice - plus more garbage.
Why? I suspose it has to do with our self worth. I mean, what’s wrong with us that even our parent doesn’t love us?
Whats wrong with us? NOTHING. Absolutely nothing!!! It’s - what’s wrong with them?!!
Limit contact. When she starts in on you or begins her negative, hateful rants - STOP what’s you’re doing - even if you’re in the middle of something and say “I’ve gotta go. I’ll come back when you’re feeling better”. Then follow through and leave.
For a while this worked for me with my mom. For a while - until her dementia made it impossible for her to connect the dots and/or control herself. But it wasn’t long after that that she stopped talking all together. Probably a blessing - in the long run as far as my sanity was concerned.
YEARS of manipulating and drama and suicide "threats" and nothing but negativity seething out of my mother---and what do outsiders see? "what a little dolly your mom is"--a woman in my church goes to the same Sr Center and thinks my mother is a little angel.
No, I don't correct her, What's the point? Mother was what she was, she still is, and still complains and fusses, albeit with a lot less venom as she has aged so much, she simply cannot keep track of whom she loves or hates.
She actually gets JEALOUS of "friends" who have passed on who have the AUDACITY to look "good" laid out in their caskets. Seriously??
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.....I will go a month to six months not seeing mother. She's not worth the pain and anger she spreads, The ONLY way to deal with her is to keep visits super short and leave the second she crosses a line.
NO WAY would I be seeing my mother 4 times a week if she were in a NH. She only "likes" 2 of the sibs, there were 6 of us. I'm not one of the special, so she doesn't miss me at all. She can;t remember if it's been a week or a year since I saw her last.
And she does not care.
.
My M I L is a toxic woman. Whenever my Hubs is around her his whole personality changes. She is drama, drama, drama. I used to try to pretend but I do my very best to avoid her like the plague now. It's just not worth it. Some people don't want to be saved. They just want someone to whine to.
I agree with those who have said pray for her. God can work miracles. But you need to separate yourself from the poison.
You may not be able to get your mom to go willingly to assisted living unless you are her POA or Guardian and she lacks mental capacity to make that decision for herself. However, you can tell your mom she has a certain amount of time to find other living arrangments. Perhaps offer to go with her to look at apartments or senior living facilities. You might even think about getting APS involved if she refuses to do so, on the grounds that her living with you is an unhealthy environment for you and your kids (which it is!), and that she needs assistance with activities of daily living. It sounds like she has some mental health issues as well.
I definitely agree with setting boundaries, even sometimes going no contact altogether. It is hurting you to remain in this negative situation. I agree with praying for your mom too, and loving her from a distance. You can honor your mom in that way without being her doormat.
she sounds malicious and potentially dangerous. I'd ask her doctor to elaborate on why he asked if you felt scared for your life. That's a seriously concerning
question for him to be asking.
My mom died before I was tapped for care giving, but I would have declined. During my childhood she physically attacked me multiple times, threatened my life
credibly several times, and verbally and emotionally abused me constantly. The
verbal/emotional abuse was so painful that somehow I didn't focus much on the
other threats. The reality is though once that hate machine gets revved up in people with serious personality disorders, all bets are off on how far they will go.
Please don't take that chance with either your own or your family's safety. Care
for her from afar. Get her financials settled if you must and try and automate
everything as much as possible. Hate can be a strangely invigorating emotion
and even relatively infirm or elderly people can cause some serious harm if they
put their minds to it. Personality disordered people live in a twisted fantasy world
and they just cant really see their own family members as real and separate people
To them we're just ghosts from the past or at best, bit part actors in whatever fantasy du jour they have in their heads.
Very sorry that you have to be dealing with this . Please protect you and yours and
put your own safety and well being as your first priority. Best of luck!!!