Facility or home care? It is a personal choice. Misguided guilt should not cause anyone to make the wrong decision.
People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
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I feel sad when I see people struggling with the decision to care at home or placement in a facility.
It is an agonizing situation for caregivers and it breaks my heart that some people feel compelled to make them feel guilty about placement.
I don’t see shaming of anyone that is caregiving at home when it’s going smoothly. That is good because there isn’t any reason for it. No one wishes for them to place their loved ones in a facility.
As someone who has taken care of a parent in their home for an extended period of time (15 years) I can tell you that it was the toughest job that I ever had.
For those caring for loved ones at home and it’s working out, I am very happy for you. I wish that would have been my experience too. We don’t always get what we hope for.
I have seen certain people on occasion try to guilt or shame others to take a parent into their home.
A good solution is to tell the person who is criticizing to offer to take care of them.
People who don’t want to do the heavy lifting shouldn’t tell others that they have to struggle with enormous caregiving responsibilities.
I sincerely hope this behavior of trying to make others feel guilty will cease.
Let’s encourage, respect and support each other.
We can have differing opinions and share our feelings or concerns without degrading each other.
We should be concentrating on giving support to our peers, not try to influence a decision through misguided guilt!
Each set of circumstances is unique, and what worked for me might not necessarily work for someone else. And it's not fair for me to try and "force" someone to see my point of view by making them feel worse about themselves and the situation they find themselves in!
Unfortunately, there are always a few in any forum who build themselves up by tearing other people down. I have decided, personally, not to engage with these few anymore; it's like trying to read War and Peace in the dark - all you get i a headache and no understanding!!
Thanks so much for understanding my thoughts.
You reiterated my thoughts perfectly!
People who like to impose guilt trips on others and put words in their mouths about 'how' and 'where' their parent should be cared for are stepping out of bounds. Nobody can speak for another. Nobody can say what constitutes 'right' or 'wrong', or tell someone exactly what their parent 'meant' when they asked for their wife to be 'taken care of' after their passing. To do so is to play God, or to feel they're a messenger OF God or for God, and that's simply not the case.
We are all human. We all do the best we can. We all make decisions based on our own personal situations and based on the circumstances at hand. My mother, for instance, is wheelchair bound. That is only one of about 10 issues she faces with her physical health, and her mental health is drastically impaired. If I were to take her into my home, I'd have to move, literally, b/c her wheelchair wouldn't even fit into one of my bathrooms. Or, I'd have to renovate the entire house. So, if someone were to lay a guilt trip on me about 'your father TOLD you to take care of your mother meaning in YOUR HOUSE', they would have no knowledge of my situation, or my mother's issues that require more than one person to handle.
Each situation is unique. All we're here to do on this forum is offer our advice and/or opinion which should be based on firsthand experience. Not on hearsay or interpreted bible quotes or what the guy next door is doing. Or what Aunt Tillie's nephew's brother did with his mother that worked out just splendidly. Not all mothers are sweet & loving; not all daughters are born care givers. It's all okay and it doesn't need to be justified here or anywhere else.
What we choose to do with our own lives and our own decisions belongs to US. We can give our advice once or twice, and then let it go, leaving it up to the person who wrote the question to make up his or her OWN mind about how to move forward with THEIR own life. Without judgement or remorse or guilt of any kind.
Great post!
I absolutely agree with everything you just posted!
Caregiving does not always have to be done in our homes.
Also if a person isn’t able to care for themselves in their own homes, it would be a better option for placement.
I will give an example. My uncle, mom’s brother was living in a big two story house by himself. He could no longer go up and down the stairs.
He was living in his basement taking sponge baths.
My uncle got an UTI, then sepsis and almost died.
He told my cousins that he wanted to stay home and hire 24 care!
His kids kindly told him that he could never afford 24 hour care.
My cousin looked at nursing homes and found suitable placement.
My uncle wasn’t happy at first but he settled into life in the nursing home. His children went to visit him every week.
He had Parkinson’s disease like my mom and lived to be 96.
All of my cousins work full time. There is no way that they could have cared for him.
I only hope the people who come here seeking a kind word and practical advice on trying to make what seems like an impossible decision can tune out the so called few of the "moral majority" and find comfort from those of us who are genuinely trying to be supportive.
I couldn’t agree more. The last sentence in your post to Lea speaks volumes. A caregiver forum is primarily to offer support.
A person who comes here is already suffering. The last thing that they need is for someone to make them feel guilty.
I had anxiety and depression while caregiving in my home.
I was literally crying to a social worker one day about being horribly frustrated while caring for my mother.
The social worker was very compassionate and told be about AgingCare forum.
Finally, I found a place that I felt that I could express my feelings with likeminded people who were going through the similar things or had been through it. I appreciated the support and learned a lot from the posters.
It took some time for me to process it all, but that’s okay. The seeds were planted. I had food for thought and ideas to build upon.
Still, there were times when it was just overwhelming. I can't even imagine what other people here go through (or went through) without the support system I had - if I was overwhelmed, then I don't know what word is big enough to describe what they are dealing with. And I know it's not a competition, who is having a worst time of things; if I can give someone some comfort, then I owe it to that person to try my best, since I found such comfort here when I asked for support.
I am so glad that you had a great support system. Some people do, some don’t.
My husband was wonderful too. My daughters love my mom and would visit her but the bulk of caregiving falls on the caregiver.
It’s still hard being a caregiver no matter what the circumstances.
It can become challenging and is a big responsibility to take on.
I am so sorry that your mom’s life changed so drastically. It is devastating to see a parent decline.
We never know what the future holds for any of us.
There is truly no possible way you could have cared for her.
I am so happy to hear how caring and attentive the staff at her nursing home was. I wish everyone received that kind of care.
My daddy had a stroke while in the ICU after his heart surgery. His life was never the same afterwards. Their quality of life diminishes greatly.
I know strokes are different in everyone. Your mom had severe effects from hers. That had to be excruciating to witness. Your mom sounds like she was a remarkable woman.
I am feeling that the recent behavior you describe goes beyond disagreeing into downright trolling and I wish AC would take a stronger stand against that sort of behavior.
One particular poster (who may be a teenage boy for all we know, having a good time getting all us old gals riled up!) followed a person asking for help coping with her abusive mom on two different threads, provoking fights and redirecting attention to himself/herself which I assume is the goal.
I wish AC would moderate more. Responding to the individual seems to be counterproductive as the attention just fuels the behavior. But that prevents the constructive discussion OPs need and deserve.
Making LOs the promise that you'll always take care of them is hard not to do when you're asked. But, in reality, that's the promise you should make. Promising to take care of them is different than promising not to put them in a nursing home. That's a promise not to make. Caring for someone means providing the best care you can as long as you can. When a caregiver is under stress, feels they're trapped, obligated, sees no future or even has suicidal thoughts, they can no longer personally care for their LO. But they still can PROVIDE for care. I wish everyone could care for their LO at home thru their final days. In many cases it's just not possible. As you experienced NHWM, your choice to home care seemed right at the time. But progressive diseases aren't static, they get progressively worse. So does the job of caregiving. No one has the obligation or even the responsibility to personally care for a LO at their (the caregiver's) emotional, physical and financial expense. So if you choose home care know your limits of care giving. Know when to say when. And don't be afraid to commit to caring for your LO, knowing that facility placement IS caring.
Thanks for your sensible response.
Many of us feel like you do. I echo your sentiments.
You’re absolutely correct. Disagreements are a natural part of life situations.
We can participate in a healthy debate and be respectful.
We can agree to disagree. We can try to be open minded and learn from each other.
When someone purposely badgers another person it is a shame.
I wholeheartedly agree with both of you.
It is a personal choice, guilt should never be experienced by any child or spouse if they simply can’t care for a loved one in their home.
Some people can afford extra hired help, while others can’t.
If assisted living is an option, that’s great. If not, a nursing home is the only option left.
I clearly stated it is a personal choice. I took care of my own mom for 15 years in my home.
It wasn’t the right choice but I thought it was at the time.
I am thrilled that others pointed out to me that it isn’t always the best choice for everyone.
Of course, none of us will agree on everything, nor do we have to.
There are people who say that they can’t care for a loved one in their home for legitimate reasons and others do not respect their decisions.
Their decisions should be respected. I find the people who criticize the most do not or have not ever had anyone living in their home.
For instance, my friend called me earlier. She has had her MIL living with her for many years.
My friend is 67 and has her own health issues.
She told her husband’s sister that she wasn’t sure how much longer she could endure the responsibilities of caring for her 9O year old MIL.
Her sister in law chewed her out, saying that she never wants to see her mom placed in a facility!
My friend said, “Well then maybe you should take a turn taking care of your mother, because ever since your brother and I took an early retirement we have been doing the heavy lifting while you do nothing but criticize me.”
I feel sorry for my friend. Her husband has five siblings. Not one of them help and they shame her to death if she mentions a facility for their mom.
My friend should never have to feel guilty about not wanting to do a ‘thankless’ job!
I am sure that you know how that is. It happens all the time. It’s very sad.
I will not air this out in public where the squad jumps me. My opinion is between you and myself no one else.
Not fair at all.
Then why did you post publicly on my thread? I have no reason to discuss this. Keep your opinion. I will keep mine.
I hate seeing people hurt by making them feel guilty. They can believe whatever they want. Don’t push guilt onto the poster.
Please don’t take my words out of context or put words in my mouth.
I don’t care if someone disagrees with others or myself but they should think twice about making someone feel guilty for not being a caregiver in their home. If we are open minded we can learn from each other’s views.
No one learns anything from someone trying to make a poster feel guilty.
I responded to this post on the forum first because I saw this one first.
Is this a timed test? No, it isn’t.
FYI, I responded to the pm when I saw it.
No big deal.
I appreciate your kindness.
You’re very welcome. I know. I see it all the time.
We are here to help people make the best choices during a very hard time in their life.
Many hugs.
However, if the parent is angry, and wants you to do all the work, and you don't have a life, and you feel burnt out, then placement of parent is better for both of you. You can call them, do face time video chat, window visit until regular visit is okay. And you both have your own space.
I know the feeling of wanting my mom home because I was close to her, and was happy when she came home from rehab. She had caregivers which helped. It was nice to be with her.
My dad is a handful and difficult. I would love for him to go to nice, good assisted living. But legally can't make him. It's a difficult situation, I know he's in pain, but it's still hard listening to complaints. We all want a peaceful home.
I'm thinking of moving and giving him a caregiver.
I feel it’s such a shame that many times the person that is being cared for tries to place enormous guilt on their caregiver for not jumping through a million hoops to please them.
If that isn’t bad enough then the caregiver often gets kicked in the gut by family members such as siblings that don’t help, and even their spouse when the wife is taking care of her husband’s mom.
Finally, the caregiver reaches a caregiver support group and then they are insulted and patronized by some people who do nothing but make them feel guilty. What a crying shame!
There isn’t a caregiver alive that hasn’t felt frustration at one time or another. Why should they be made to feel guilty over that?
It’s very puzzling to me to see this occur.
Let me repeat what is most important. We are here to support each other in our caregiving.
Who knows, some people on forums may not even be legitimate posters. There are always going to be trolls lurking about who say nothing constructive or they act like they have a mental illness, flip flopping back and forth.
I saw someone recently post that they felt some posts could be made by a 13 year old boy having fun getting older women upset. This is true. Could be.