Most regular members know our journey began in March. A simple case of “help me rehabilitate & get back on my feet & in exchange I’ll leave the house to you in my will”. If we only knew then what we know now…other than a bout of MRSA & the broken femur, we had no idea what health issues would be uncovered-things she hadn’t told a soul for years, nor sought treatment for. In June, an ER visit unraveled a butt ton following a heart attack. In a week’s time, I’d discovered Aunt had CHF, CKD, blood clot issues, prone to sepsis, pleural effusion, BP issues, advanced osteoporosis etc on top of the morbid obesity, permanent broke femur, anxiety, & depression issues. At that point, she was at Stage 4 CHF. Her EF was sitting at 40. July brought another heart attack. August brought 2 more ER visits for sky high or tanked BP until the end of August when she had an ischemic stroke. Blood clot removed crisis averted. NOPE. It damaged her heart more so now one valve has completely stopped working & her EF has dropped to 35. We were denied hospice 1st go around. After the 2nd heart attack I finally got her approved. She refuses to admit there’s anything wrong besides the broke leg. We’ve sat her on the side of the bed. That’s a fiasco. We’re not allowed anymore because she tries to stand even after being told it’s too dangerous. She’s convinced god told her she’s not gonna die - she can stay forever. She’s convinced there’s a huge conspiracy to keep her in the bed, to poison her, etc. her test results were switched. I’ve had a chip implanted in her brain when they went in to get the clot. This is literally a nightmare. And it’s gotten to the point to where hospice has told her if she keeps doing/saying these dangerous things they’re going to have her forcibly moved to a nursing home because she’s a danger to herself & others. Her mind -so to speak - has gotten much worse since the stroke. We’ve been told if she survives until Christmas that’s extremely optimistic. We’re one major cardiac event away from her passing. Her body is just too weak. She’s got a Foley catheter now which is a huge help for me. And our ER visits are done. Now if I can just convince her to take the 5 day respite…I have well-surpassed caregiver burnout. I have, at the instruction of the hospice team, started literally ignoring the incessant hollering & phone calls from her. If she’s fed, she has water, etc there’s no need to holler every 5 minutes for nothing. I provide CARE not babysitting. I do not have the time or desire to sit in there all day & watch her sleep. I have a household to run & a disabled son to watch over. Sometimes I feel guilty, but she is not the center of the universe & doesn’t have to have all the attention, despite her toddler tantrums & throwing things. So guys, that’s where we’re at right now….waiting for the other shoe, the next disastrous thing.
Please do not feel guilty for any reason. It has been said on this forum that guilt is for felons and sinners. You've done nothing that is illegal, immoral or unethical. Just the oppoosite! Insead, think of that feeling as grief. You know what the trajectory is for her shortening life. Your are having anticipatory grief.
Your own wellbeing is priority because you have to be there forr you and your son. Don't ever doubt this hierarchy. May you receive peace in your heart!
lealonnie1: I agree. My biggest fear is losing the house to Medicaid after she passes & leaving us without anywhere to go.