My LO recently passed away, they were brought to brought to the ER for blood clots, they were emitted for 6 days. They were heavy set and due to being bed riddle he become temporarily immobile. The doctor suggested short term rehab to get their strength back.
Long story short my LO caught pneumonia and passed 7 days after being brought the short term care facility. I have been told they must have caught it in the hospital. They had a DNR in place and they died alone. I was not able to make it in time to say goodbye I tried, I really did.
The last conversation I had was the day before and told them once they are home we will get a bottle of blue label and finish watching boardwalk empire.
My family blames me, I had a choice to make they were extremely heavy nearly 400 lbs and was unable to do much for themselves. I did not have the strength to change their diaper, their apartment was too small for the wide wheel chair, their apartment was not even wheelchair accessible.
Their partner has their own medical issues. Some understand but I see feel guilt ridden. Does the pain ever go away? Does it get better? I feel this overwhelming sense of defeat, I should have taken them home. I could have hired am army of caregivers, I could have done more to fight I should not have just listened to the doctors. That is what I feel.
On top of that I am filled with rage, I want to hurt the doctors that did not catch it early, I want to hurt those that talked them into a DNR.
I get it is overall not their fault, the DNR was the best course. Even if they had brought them back their ribs probably would have been broken given their weight, or worse they would have had to live and suffer a painful life.
Did you do the best that you could given the circumstances?
If your answer is YES you have noting to feel "guilty" about.
Did you do anything that would hasten this persons death?
If your answer to this is NO you have nothing to feel "guilty" about.
A little bit about DNR. I presume you are talking about CPR.
CPR works great on TV, it may work great on healthy people.
Done correctly CPR will in all likelihood do the following
Break the sternum
Break ribs
Recovering from both of those along with other health problems is a very daunting and painful thing. Not to mention the possible brain damage due to lack of oxygen.
there is a very good possibility that with this persons body mass CPR may have been ineffective as well.
If the person that signed the DNR is of sound mind they probably were not
"talked into it" but made a conscious medical decision.
Another side note. The pneumonia that they "caught' was probably Aspiration Pneumonia not a pneumonia brought on by a "cold or flu" that most associate with pneumonia.
Aspiration Pneumonia happens with food or fluids accidently make their way into the lungs. This is common in people that have swallowing issues, people that are eating or drinking while in supine (laying down) position.
You have nothing to be guilty about. If the family is placing blame on you I have to ask...what could they have done to help?
Blood clots are serious and the do cause death by going into the lungs.
Pneumonia is often a result of being bedridden. It can be caused from many things and it can cause death.
Pneumonia is not always obvious. My 52 year old sister died at home, alone and the autopsy showed she died of pneumonia, which no one knew she had, no one.
I am guessing that this wasn't the only medical issue your loved one had and that it was their time to go.
Go see the significant other, have that bottle and finish watching your program in remembrance of all the good times, have a good cry and forgive yourself, because you couldn't have done anything different based on the circumstances.
No one gets to 400 pounds without participating. With morbid obesity comes a host of other health issues, and breathing problems are right up there at the top.
This is not the time for anyone to blame anyone for your LO's death but instead to grieve the loss. Put the blame away, because ultimately his choices led to this outcome.
Every decision we've ever made in life brought us to this day in life today, to this moment in time. The same statement applies to your loved one who passed. His decisions and life choices brought him to 400 lbs and being bed ridden, which led him to getting blood clots which led to his doctor recommending rehab to regain his strength. Bad luck and a weakened immune system from obesity and being immobile led to an infection which led to pneumonia which his body could not overcome, which caused his death.
You had nothing to do with ANY of this. Your brain tells you this, the facts, while your heart speaks to your emotions which tell you the opposite. Emotions defy logic. Allow your brain to speak to your heart now, to remind it you had no influence over your loved ones fate.
Let yourself off the hook you had no business putting yourself on in the first place.
Your family blames you for your loved ones death, which is quite a lot of nerve. What did THEY do to prevent his death? What active role did THEY take in this loved ones life to make a difference to the quality of It? Who came to his side when he fell ill? Who spoke to the doctor and stepped up to say they disagreed with sending this loved one off to rehab to recover? I suspect the answer is nobody, and that you're being used as the convenient scapegoat to blame for an event that was nobody's "fault". You're family members are totally out of line with this terrible talk! Put their calls on block for the time being while you try to heal.
The DNR was your LOVED ONE'S choice, it should be noted, to put closure this guilt trip you're on.
Rage and anger is common when processing pain and grief, as you try to arrive at acceptance. Maybe pick up a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the grieving process, all of her books are wonderful.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the strength and courage to realize this was not your fault.
I'm sorry for your loss, but the one absolute truth of life is that we will ALL die at some point. Your dad may or may not have been 'aided' in his passing by your actions, but more likely, it was the obesity combined with the pneumonia. And, BTW, pneumonia is not 'caught'. It develops secondarily to another source, flu, a cold, COVID, and was not made better by the blood clots. You have no cause to be mad at the doctors and playing the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' self reprisal doesn't help.
Likely you did everything you possibly could. Don't beat yourself up, and don't beat up the CGs who cared for him. The grief will last for as long as you allow it..and your life will go on. I hope you can 'forgive' yourself. You didn't do anything wrong.
My immediate suggestion would be to get that bottle of blue label, and drink the lot (safely - suicide by blue label won’t help a lot).
Your post explains exactly why you did what you did, and why it was the best you could do at the time. You aren’t responsible for body issues (400lbs of them) which just have to have been a factor in all of it. Feel compassion for parents who ‘let’ their son drive to a boozy party, killed on the way home. Your father lived a full life. Your memories will never go away forever, but time really will help. Love, Margaret
The truth is, and especially if this was a person who is obese, there is unlikely to be anything that anyone could have done. And you are not a felon who is an evil doer, and doctors are not evil-doers. You are instead a grief-stricken loved one. You are not god. Doctors are not god. No one has a magic wand. We have lost over 900,000 to pneumonia in the last years. Those who are already ill and debilitated or who have chronic conditions of obesity, are more prone not to survive. I am so sorry. EVERYONE is sorry, but that won't change it.
Try to embrace the grief so that you don't mistake other emotions such as anger and guilt for reality. Try to find a grief work group so you have someone to talk to. See a Licensed Social Worker trained in therapy, or a psychologist.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. What you told your loved one about something to look forward to, their program and sharing a cocktail? That was good. And do know that a DNR is something we choose for ourselves. I have one. God FORBID someone override my own wishes to pass in peace.
Again, find help for yourself. I wish you the very best. And please know that anger is your enemy. Anger eats us from the inside out. Celebrate the life of the one you cared about. Celebrate that you tried, with all your human limitations, to do the best you could for him. Celebrate that love was in your life and you still harbor it, and the more love you pay forward, the more love comes your way.
If you want to get over it you have to change how you view the event altogether.