My parents, aged 90 and 87, live in rented house 15 miles away from me.
My mother has a severe alcohol problem which she refuses help for and can't see how it affects her role as my father's carer.
My father living with heart failure and really not well very, is dependent on mum for his daily care i.e. dressing food, showering medication etc.
A very loyal couple married for 64 years, and defend each other beyond belief. Mum by her own admission starts drinking at 11ish am, drinks whiskey,
and by 4ish sometimes sooner is in bed intoxicated. If she makes it to teatime she's handling hot things while unfit to do so, she leaves him sat in the Garden and goes to bed. On Thursday he was there till 7pm when a neighbour brought him in, My father does not tell when mums drunk or chooses to not do (unsure) Mum won't admit her problem, dad's at risk. What can I do? Where can I get help, baring in mind mum does not want it and Dad's not safe? I do have power of attorney
The one thing you can do is supply your father with a worn alarm he can set off when he is left in the sun in the garden and his wife is temporarily down.
I do not see that you can do anything. You are POA but you have no letters from physicians testifying to the incompetence of your parents, nor their ability to be alone. Consider a small jitterbug phone for your Dad if you feel he can use it, or an alarm with which he can notify 911 that he needs help.
It is amazing that this has been their lives, and they remain devoted, and even more amazing that your mother has survived alcoholism to this age; that is rare as hen's teeth, to tell the truth.
Eventually, of course, there WILL be an accident. But in all truth, for those of us (I include myself) who have survived their "sell by" date, an accident is inevitable with two seniors of this age who choose to live alone, no matter whether alcohol is involved or not. When one of these dear ones is down with a broken hip, you will have to invoke your POA to act, perhaps placement for them in ALF where they can remain together.
I wish you luck. I can well imagine your worries.
Assuming you have either the old type or the new health one then I think your first stop should be an appointment with your parent's GP, and then with the local Health Authority assessment team - which may be easiest to access via the GP or the District Nursing team. There will also be a social care team who you can get involved. If you can mobilise these people you should be able to get an assessment of your parents health, physical and mental needs, and services that can assist. Of course as a health POA only becomes operational if someone loses mental capacity you may be completely locked out of the loop if your parents deny a need for or refuse any assistance.
In this case your only way in may be by getting neighbours to report to Social Services that they feel your father in particular is in danger but also your mother is not capable of looking after him. I think it is 3 reports from different people that will make Social Services make a visit - but it may depend on how severe the problem could be e.g. how much danger your father is in.
You could phone 111 and discuss the issue and seek some advice or if you are really stuck then next time your mother goes to bed and leaves your father in a dangerous situation you could get the neighbours to phone 999 and call them to come and deal with it rather than helping themselves. (Sounds a bit drastic but we have just been given this advice from 111 for a situation where assistance was not forthcoming from GP and it fell outside remit of 111. 999 is an emergency number but they do have multiple level options at their disposal and would consider a man of 90 left in the garden something for them to deal with if your mother was in bed drunk).
Sorry if you are not in the UK and all this is useless - but hopefully it is of some help / suggestions.
Countrymouse and a few other members are from the UK. Because of the time differences right now US EST its 10pm in the UK. CM maybe able to point you into the right direction.
Contact social services, the elder abuse department. Your mother should not, in any way, be in a position of responsibility caring for your father. Period. Things need to change immediately.
I copied this response below to emphasize it:
"You can’t exercise a POA under these circumstances. Make a self neglect report to your local hotline and let them do an investigation. If your neighbors are aware, your mother won’t know for sure who made the report though she may suspect you. There may be resources available through your states mental health system to help dry her out. The investigation may also scare her enough to make some changes or may trigger a recommendation to place your father in an assisted living facility with her, which seems to be what is needed."
do you have room to take your dad into your house? Is your dad at veteran ? The VA has home health care they pay for
also respect care. The days they provide depends on the state you live in .
But your dad is clearly unable to
care for him self .
It seems you really have no choice at this point but to step in snd protect your father . If you have his POA then you need to get an attorney and take over care for your father before something really bad happens. If she forgets him out in the sun one day he could have a heat stroke and die.
You should not feel guilty about taking over and also if you have the type of power of attorney that gives your authority over your moms health care she needs to be admitted to an in-care alcoholic facility . If she is drunk
and your fathers death could have been prevented she could be charged for it. This is very serious and I would not put off moving forward with the POA . Also there are several different types of POA’s make sure which one you have .
Is there any other children where you all could take turns going to the house and just staying to take some of the burden of care off your mother. This situation is adding to how much she drinks. I’m a 24/7 caregiver for my husband who is in diapers, I feed change, bath, shave , cut his hair, it’s so very stressful . I get terribly depressed . You get to the point you feel you have no life at all . Nothing for yourself , add this on top of her already drinking .
I would go on line and look up AA meetings near your mom and try and convince her to attend one. Even an on line meeting . I pray you find the right answer . God give you strength to cope with this . Take care of yourself too . God bless all of you 🙏🙏🙏
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