Today is the day that I feel like all I do is go around in circles with my momma. My sister is mental and of course I hear all about it and everybody else problems, finances, issues, marriage, living arrangements and you got it. What she likes to do is vent, b&%$@# and use you as a whipping post, but if you try to resolve the problem or help it is like you are going no where. One conversation she will be upset about sister and she is going to do this and this about it and then the next conversation she says well I am too old to do that. Of course she has dumped on you and she feels better now. So how do you feel? Same thing about brother's finances. We have talked to momma many many times about what he needs to do now before he receives an inheritance and it is like we go around around around around. She did the same thing to my dad, but since he is gone now - she uses me. If I speak up and say that I don't want to here about it - she lashes out at me with little remarks that I am catching and then I just remark back. I am her primary caregiver. I do not get any help from mental sister and very little from brother. I hired the housekeeper to help for two more hours every week and she is not working out either. Just like the rest of them. She has her hand out all the time for money. Has made comments about family and momma's finances to me that I did not appreciate, but momma likes her because she can vent, b&^%$#@ and use her as a whipping post and the housekeeper takes it - I don't. When I tried to talk to momma about why we have the housekeeper for two extra hours - she does not get it. She would rather go right back into her bed - after she poo poo in it after she told me that she was capable of changing her own sheets - while I guess not. She then told me that she was the one that called her doctor for a half refill on her prescriptions because she did not have enough until her next doctor's apt. and would not listen when I told her that I was the one that called. So the next time she calls me and wants to vent, b87&^%%$ and use me as a whipping post - what do I do? Hang up on her? Give the phone to my husband and let him hear it? Change the subject - does not work - tried that - she goes right back where she left off. Tell her again and just let her lash out at me again and again. I feel like that I am slowly being chipped away.
She became a person I never saw before and I was trying as hard as I could to not fall victim to it but she started lying to everyone about me however would use me 24-7 leading me of a fiscal cliff knowingly , she had over $2 million and gave it to y Sister who did not invite her to her wedding and a daughter I have in LA that was constantly asking for help and got the inheritance I slaved for and my girlfriend for 4 yrs. My girlfriend had to hand bathe her as she could not use the tub and would not fix the bathroom to be compatible, imposed upon her every 4 hrs 24-7 to go pee ad was able to wipe herself well an peed her bed every morning. Only to learn she grew to disdain me to the point of running my life purposely forever altering my future for being there for her to the end!
Nobody ever told me or cared until she was dying then they came and stole her away hiding her from me leaving me high and dry and as if I was a mooch and thief! and now fighting in Probate and a 50 50 shot I get 50% of my money if lucky!The lawyers and tax people all work it to their advantage by dragging it out fighting all the way.
Aging is the diesiease. Sorry about the bad spelling.
When you call your mom, say hi, put the phone on speaker and say un-American a lot. It works. Stay on 5 minutes max.
The best thing I've done since caring for my mother was to keep her in the nursing home once her rehab was over. In seeing others, in watching the CNS's and the list goes on, I've seen how they care for the patients. They are getting paid to do this and they do it well. They don't take them seriously and neither should we. The brain is a mysterious organ and once it breaks down, it's impossible.
This is their 'time'. At some point, we will have our time. And in seeing how the nursing homes today actual work I'm actually not afraid of them anymore.
Caregivers need to remove themselves from what 'was' into what now 'is'. If you don't do this, your health wanes, your marriage undergoes severe stress, families are left to care for themselves, while the person we're caring for doesn't even know what's going on. I believe that if they could, they would put into words to get on with our lives. Nursing homes are filled with activities today.
So, yes, I firmly believe you need to remove yourself before this removes you. I visit my mom when activities are ongoing. This Saturday, we played Bingo together. I could have had Easter Dinner with her, but I opted out. Next week, I'll go when they have music. Once these activities are over, I bring her out for a walk around the grounds, I bring her back to her room or we visit with one of her new found 'friends'. Then I say, talk to you later, kiss her good bye, and leave, knowing she's fed, helped in getting ready for bed, etc. She has access to a phone. The grandchildren call. She's happy. I truly believe she is happy.
She will never be the person I remember. I've accepted that and I've moved on.
If you are caring for her, you need to tell her up front to stop. Tell her you're not going to listen to it anymore. Then don't.
If she's NOT living with you, and if she understands, i.e., she's not in the throes of dementia/alzheimer's, the one phone call per day is a good idea, with the rest of the phone calls being accepted by your voice mail/answering machine. Tell her that if she has an emergency, she needs to call 911 after that first phone call. Then stick with it.
As for your 'mental' sister. I don't understand what you mean by 'mental'. Perhaps you could explain further. Is she suffering from some sort of psychiatric problem? If so, she needs to see a psychiatrist, not talk to your mother about her problems. Does this sister live with your mother?
This happens when people allow it to happen. Yes, we are the 'children' but we are 'adult children' and they are now depending on us. If they don't want to depend on us, then they have no right to make us feel small. Don't allow it.
Mom, I love talking to you, but I can't stay on the phone when you get all worked up. Let's talk another time when you're calmer. I love you. Hang up.
Educate yourself about dementia. This is the ONLY thing you can do to understand what you are seeing now, and what you will start to see. Look up Teepa Snow on Youtube, and watch her videos. It's very easy to understand for us non-medical folks. This one thing right here literally saved my sanity with my mother.
Dementia in a person who was always difficult (or worse) is not fun. It is very, very trying, so arm yourself with knowledge and boundaries to get through this.
On the other hand, it can be confabulation, as was mentioned above. Confabulations are not really lies. In these cases, the memory impaired person is dealing with a little bit of info, but is missing some pieces of the puzzle. Their brain will fill in the blanks (with what is to them the most logical explanation of the situation.) The person is totally unaware of this. If you confront them with facts proving their thoughts false, it will only confuse her, and possibly anger here, because she totally believes what she thinks she knows.
Depending on her personality, you can try to tell her that her mind is playing tricks on her, but mostly that doesn't work. And mostly not worth the effort. For my mother it helped occasionally, when she was in a malleable mood, but mostly not.
Example; One holiday, I borrowed Mom's casserole dish, to make her recipe for broccoli-rice casserole. (She no longer cooked anything at that point). Well that casserole was prepared, and sitting on the counter in my kitchen, looking exactly as it always had when she used to make it. This was near the door, as she and my Dad arrived for Thanksgiving dinner .(Mom being slightly befuddled as usual) saw the casserole, picked it up, and carried, over to me, and said "Here. I made the Broccoli-Rice for dinner." ...She totally believed she made it. She recognized the dish, and her brain confabulated that since it was there, she must have made it (like she would have done years ago.) ...FWIW, I started to say that "Mom, I just set that there", but saw the totally confused look on her face, so quickly said, "nevermind" and switched to "Thanks Mom, for making the casserole.".........That was fine for that time, but lots of other times, her confabulations caused no end of difficulties.
Realize she is your Mom, but the best you can do for her and you and YOUR own immediate family is get her help. Trust me, it will be the best for all of you. She will be put on the right meds for her and she will be more pleasant to be around. You can visit with her, take her out for outings and then bring her back. All is good. Been there twice. Good luck to you!
You do have to set limits. As Pam said, let her vent once a day and then say that you will be unavailable until the next day. If you have caller ID you could avoid calls however you don't want to miss a true emergency so you may need to answer but politely say you can't listen any more today and then hang up. Avoid yelling or being drawn into a fight. That will just hurt you.
If she has dementia, the lying is more from memory issues than real lying (confabulating is one word as Dave suggested). Even then, you don't have to let her completely control you. Trained in-home caregivers will let her complain without taking it emotionally since they aren't part of the family dynamic. Yes they do charge a lot, but often it's worth it.
Do what you can but don't let guilt destroy you.
Carol
Confabulate. We
make..verbal statements and/or actions that inaccurately describe
history, background and present situations
Confabulating is distinct from lying because first there is no
intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the
information is blatantly false. Confabulating can be coherent,
internally consistent, and reasonable...despite clearly contradicting
evidence.
try to accept the mind is damaqed by Alzheimer's Disease. Forget
about rational responses. we can run ourselve ragged trying to
rationalize the irrational behaviors
Easy to say, impossible to live with ..
Seek help for yourself
Elder Affairs Attorney who know Alzheimer's
Social Worker or shrink