My mother is in a NH and basically immobile. She is generally not a major complainer. When she tells me about an issue that aides dispute I feel lost as to who to believe. Some aides are warm and caring and others have somewhat curt attitudes. One issue was about sleeping through the night. She says she hasn't been while a certain aide says she does. I had an issue with the resident next door who is very gone mentally. Her TV was on loudly during the night. I complained and that stopped but my mother told me an aide said she could have it on as loud as she wanted. At least I got that to stop. I just don't know who to believe as issues arise. I do my best to be polite and brought cookies on Easter for the staff. I feel bad that she could be at the mercy of an aide who has a bad attitude. I have found in the past such as when she was in the AL section a director defends the behavior of their staff even when they have attitude issues I observed. I just don't know how to proceed going forward when difficult situations occur.
I likened this to a school situation in which you wouldn't address an educational concern to the classroom aide; you'd talk to the teacher.
Find out who supervises the aides. Address the concerns mom has expressed to that person in a care meeting.
"I'm hearing from my mom that she isn't sleeping through the night and is disturbed by her neighbor's TV. What can be done about these concerns?"
Re: Tylenol PM- the physician or APRN is going to need to order that and it will need to be charted.
While my mom was living there for 5 1/2 years, I got to know almost all of her hands on caregivers. I always gave off positive signals if I was pleased/satisfied with their care for her, and tolerated what I considered careless or non-helpful attention as long as it didn’t directly harm her.
As time went by, I learned that some of the caregivers I hadn’t liked or had confidence in turned out to be the best caregivers she had. The rare useless/problematic caregivers didn’t last long.
In Covid? MUCH MUCH HARDER. But I DID LEARN that even those caregivers who remembered my mom told the new people caring for my LO that I’d do my best to help with whatever I could.
I have been separated from LO for 6+ months, and had my first visit, outside, last Wednesday. She was clean, plump, and obviously well attended to.
Suggestion- try to “inform” instead of “complain”.
“Could you check on Mrs. Loud Neighbor’s TV before mom goes to bed for the night? Mom says it’s loud enough to wake her up sometimes”.
“Somewhat curt...” may be pretty understandable in current circumstances, and not aimed at your mom but coming from overworked and overwhelmed, and of course, it’s hard on everyone.
Maybe you’re also a little overtaxed and under appreciated too. I know darn well I am. Give yourself as much slack as you can, as long as concerns about caregivers aren’t resulting in damaging consequences.
Hope things will be smoothing out for you and your mother very soon!
We can't fight all these battles for our mother's and win them. Pick the ones you think are serious, and leave the rest alone.
You say your mom 'doesn't have dementia' but has 'a lot of short term memory loss' which sounds like dementia to me. Long term memory loss, with dementia, is not affected until the advanced stages. Similarly, Sundowners goes hand in hand with dementia oftentimes, and presents itself with many of the same symptoms.
That said, a lot of what your mom is saying nowadays should be fact checked. And then, you'll have to decide who's telling the truth, her or the NH. So again, pick your battles and let the small stuff go, that's my suggestion. If her overall care is good, that's the main thing, imo.
Set up a Camera in your mom's room and you'll at least be able to see what's going on while she's in her room. I set up a Nest Camera fir my Dad and now I can see what really goes on.
once we put that in we were able to support parents and aides better.
How does that work if in a shower or getting hands dirty - and cleaned by aides?
This is a not for profit facility. As I have mentioned they have a benevolence plan. If my mother who is 90 now makes it to around 95 I will hope they will make that available for her. She will have been private pay since 2017 taking into account the years in the AL section. She had a LTC policy but that has run out. She was in a AL facility in NY for 3 years before we moved to SC. The cost there was much higher. I just hope for better days even though they are far from perfect given her condition.
I so totally understand your frustration; because of the distance I had to travel to get to mom, I could only go on Sunday and spent an hour with her. SW or administrator were never there on Sunday, so I was able to get everone's email address and would send my "concerns" to the DON and SW on Monday mornings.
Can I tell you how exhausted I was at the end of 4 1/2 years? 4 years later, I still startle when the phone rings.
Care meetings should be scheduled every 90 days, I believe, and ask for one if they are not forthcoming.
I would take my brother with me to care meetings, as he is large, quiet and calm. I would raise my voice, threaten ombudsman and joint commission--sort of good cop/bad cop. But only to the senior staff. And because mom was private pay and the facility had a low census, they seemed eager to keep mom.
I brought cookies and cake every week, paid for by mom and with a note that said "From Mrs. A in room 108A".
((((((Hugs)))))))
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