HI everyone, I have a difficult choice to make.
I moved to my mother's town 2 years ago to live with and support my 86 year old mother, who has Lewy Body Dementia.
I have never lived here before, although Mum has lived in this town for 30 years. I have no local friends or support network. I'm also an only child.
In addition to this, I'm a 46 year old sole parent to 4 children aged 10, 7, 5 and 5. I have them 100% of the time. I also have 2 cats and a puppy (yes, the puppy is perhaps overkill, but I wanted a friend to go walking with, plus the experience for my kids, so here we are).
When I first moved here we all squished into my mother's little house for the first year, before buying a bigger home with more space for everyone. My mother owns 85% of the house, and I have a small mortgage for the 15% I own.
My mother has always been challenging. I never had a good relationship with her. She tends to be very self centered with a victim mentality, and can also be highly critical and fundamentally disappointed in everything and everyone around her. I tend to be my worst self around her, as I'm simply tired of the BS.
So this combination of neediness and fraught relationship has a negative impact on my mental well-being, and on our family life in general. I can't say it's all my mother, as I don't like who I am around her, and I've had plenty of counseling to help me with that!
BUT, if my mother goes into care, the government will start drawing money against the house, which will put us in a potentially financially unstable position. If my mother lives in care for a long time, I may have to sell our home to cover the cost. This is how it is in New Zealand (Mum never set anything up to protect me and the kids, so we are at the mercy of how long she lives. She had Covid last week and just cruised through it, so she could go on forever...).
I will also have to return to work, perhaps not immediately, but the pressure will be on me to get a job and get off government welfare (I am currently on a carer's subsidy for looking after Mum). Whilst I have no aversion to working, as a sole parent that could be extremely difficult. I would need to pay for after school care, school holiday care and might not have enough leave to cover sick days, etc. I would also no longer have Mum's contributions towards groceries and power, etc. Just thinking about all the financial stress we might encounter if Mum goes into care is stressful in itself!
Plus, I don't know whether we'd be able to keep the dog if I worked and he developed separation anxiety.
So, what do I choose? The stress of living with my mother, or the stress of financial hardship? It's a rock and a hard place, for sure! I usually come to the conclusion that the financial benefits outweigh the emotional stress, so I have to suck it up. But my life is also on hold, and my children are growing up in an exhausting and sometimes hostile environment. But I wonder if it would be equally exhausting and stressful without Mum, because of the financial burden and potential lack of time to be with my children.
Thank you for your thoughts. This caregiver business is very, very hard and lonely.
I'd pick financial hardship over living with an individual who made my life toxic. My mother was an abusive bully when I was growing up, it was not easy being her daughter. I would never allow my mother to be that way to my daughter. I'd raise my daughter under a bridge in a cardboard box before that would ever happen.
And we go to what we are most comfortable with.
I had 4 kids also chose to stay with my jerk till my youngest was in highschool. Anyways, when I left, people said to me you are leaving with nothing, shouldnt you fight to get something outta the marriage.
Ya know what I said. " I did, I left with the most important thing of all, I took my SANITY with me"
So if you put your mom into a home, and you lose everything, You have your children and you have your SANITY.
Peace of mind is priceless!
But I also feel that sometimes in life you just are where you are supposed to be , and things will change when the time is right, and to trust in a higher power.
So honestly we can't answer this for you , you need to do what you feel is right, there may not be a right, right now
My mother and I had a "strained" relationship for LIFE as a result of what she and her mother put me thru.
Better you should face financial hardship than your children should face a childhood of anxiety and stress. And perhaps no relationship with you as a result.
Your Mom would well live more than a decade more. That's your children's childhood gone up in smoke it looks like, and you could not work with the burden of caring for her. She will only get worse. Your kids don't deserve that as a part of their daily life.
I don't know what welfare system is in place there, but you clearly need it all now. Anything you can get.
As to the pup, rehome it. I am a great lover of pets, and the dog deserves a household not this overwhelmed. That was the last of a mountain of decisions that have gone wrong. Get it as good a home as you are able.
I am so sorry, but decisions have consequences. We need to learn from mistakes or we just continue to pile more on top of the heap. Think about what is best for your children in all of this. Truly I AM sorry. I hope you'll update us.
Then I have to comment on your statement that "mum never set anything up to protect me and and the kids." Since when is it the parents responsibility to set things up to protect their grown children and grandchildren? They are instead supposed to set things up for their own long term care, while their children are meant to work and save for their own families and care. At least that's how we look at things here in the U.S. I can't imagine it to be different in New Zealand.
Your mum needs to be placed in a care facility as it's not fair to your children to have to put up with a parent whose mum brings the worst out of them, and then in turn they get the worst of you, instead of the best.
They deserve so much better than having to live in such a toxic environment.
Have you asked your children what they want you to do, move out and perhaps struggle financially or stay in this toxic environment?
I'm venturing to guess that they would rather be in a more normal environment without your mum, with a healthy and whole parent even if it meant that things may be tough for a while.
Your children MUST come first. Not your mum. So put you big girl/boy panties on and do what is best for you children.
We call it the 'swoop in to help'.
After the swoop in, afyer the crises stage, next you have to decide what your help will look like, going forward.
How much a caregiver gives before it becomes a care BURDEN.
The best care plans work for ALL the people in it. That includes ALL the household & especially any children. They get but one childhood. Protect it.
Edit PS Look for a good women's councelling service. Many have relationship & financial councellors too.
Getting financial councelling is a good start - to look at what your real financial options are.
There may be Gov benefits, schemes or social housing options to help get you & your children get set up in your own household.
Regarding Mother, your local council is a other option. Ask for a Social Worker with experience with aged care issues. Mother may need to sell her home to fund an aged care bed BUT sometimes the pension covers & family can remain in the home.
Get up to speed with the whole financial picture.
Only child or not.. it does not mean you must be your Mother's hands-on care, taking you away from your responsibilities as a Mother yourself.
I truly wish you had asked this question prior to uprooting your life and moving in with Mom . I would have said not to have moved . I would have said to stay where you were living and not uprooted your family . I would have said to sell your Mom’s house and put her into care . You would have continued your life how it was before moving in with Mom.
You will have to decide . Although , I don’t think this is good for the children . I personally do not think young children should have to live under such conditions with your mother ‘s behaviors and tension in the house. Although you have set yourself up for financial troubles because of this arrangement . If I were you, I would move and place mother in a facility . Hopefully financially you can do that .
Other caregivers have ended up homeless , jobless and broke . Yours is a cautionary tale .
I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
Yes, if I I'd had a choice I never would have done this. But I needed to escape where we were living due to my Narcissistic ex. It was the only escape option I had.
So now I need to escape the escape option 😅
Life certainly hasn't been easy!
"My mother has always been challenging. I never had a good relationship with her. She tends to be very self centered with a victim mentality, and can also be highly critical and fundamentally disappointed in everything and everyone around her. I tend to be my worst self around her, as I'm simply tired of the BS."
Given this knowledge, you moved in with little children dependent upon you. They are ages 10, 7, 5 and 5, according to you.
There is so much water under the bridge here, over time, that I think there is nothing I could ever suggest that could begin to help you. I am so sorry. Dr. Laura, who I admire very much, has an expression that goes: "Not everything can be fixed".
So I tell you, not everything can be fixed.
If there is a fix here I cannot imagine it and it will not be an easy fix.
I do wish you luck. But the fact is that poor decision making has dire affect for us, and more sad still for our families.
I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you find a way to pull out of this one small step at a time and I hope you'll update us as you go.
See All Answers