I always read, and respond to, comments from people who are laying guilt trips on others for needing to place a parent in a care home environment; Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.
If you LOVED your mother, they'll say, you'd care for her at home, even if it's killing you to do so!
How's that for a guilt trip? Yet we read comments like that ALL THE TIME here!
What does love have to do with the need to place a loved one in a care home environment?
As a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I DARE you to tell ANY ONE of the sons, daughters, husbands, wives or other loved ones that they do not 'LOVE' their family member and 'put' them there in this place to rot away! I'd sure love to see the fight that would break out as a result of such an insensitive comment.
Not many people would have the chutzpah to make that comment in real life, to someone's face, yet find it perfectly acceptable to do so under the veil of anonymity here on the forum.
I call FOUL!
When is it okay to say you've had enough and that you're human and can't care for your loved one any longer? Do you have to be in the hospital yourself before it's acceptable to surrender?
I will say this: my parents have been in Assisted Living/Memory Care since 2014; Dad passed in 2015. My mother is almost 93 and still alive precisely BECAUSE she's in a care environment with a staff to look after her 24/7! Had she been in my home, or living in the 'heaven' everyone seems to think is her Own Home all this time, she would have died long ago.
Having a staff 24/7, round the clock, is safer and a lot more effective than trying to care for a loved one yourself day & night! And knowing when to call the doctor, or when to call 911, or when to get an xray and on and on. In a care environment, those things are a known quantity, as a rule, and done FOR the elder.
It's okay also to take care of your loved one in your home, or their home, if that is what you truly want to do, and if you're happy doing so, and if THEY are safe in that environment. But please, do not pass judgment on those who MUST place their loved one in care!
You actually may find YOURSELF in that boat one day and I promise you that you will not welcome comments telling you that if you 'loved' your mother, you wouldn't have 'put her in a home.'
Some decisions are out of our hands. Some decisions are made FOR us. And some decisions have to be made for the sheer necessity of it.
Be kind when leaving a comment here on the forum. Lots of people are hurting and genuinely in need of a sincere word of understanding and empathy rather than judgment.
I have a single, compound word as my reply/comment to your above note:
* A-freakin'-MEN! *
Well stated, friend.
J.J (in the same boat)
Her Sunday School teacher got my phone number and initially started calling me to "check on her." But soon it became obvious she was calling me to attempt to convince me to stay with my this relative at night "so she wouldn't fall." After the fourth call of this nature, I blocked this woman who, by the way, wasn't coming around and visiting this relative herself even though she could drive and get around very well.
I got very tired of having to defend my boundaries especially when I was looking after the needs of this relative every day. Eventually I won the passive-aggressive manipulation game and she now resides in AL. Her family and doctors all agree that she would likely not even be alive today if she had not moved there as they ensure she takes her meds daily and on time and she eats more healthy meals, gets far more exercise and has daily socialization. She has made new friends there.
My sisters and I have told our parents as long as they are somewhat mobile and have all their marbles, we will assist in keeping them in their homes or in our homes, but once one becomes an invalid or dementia, it is AL or SNF.
When my maternal grandmother was alive, she said that the people who know you well understand what you do and why you do it, but the other people who don't know you don't have any say anyway and their opinions don't matter.
Some people feel guilt inside for placing parents.
But when you think about it, what's better? Sitting at home lonely and depressed, or being in a place with friends and activities?
Add in that the cost of maintenance exceeded her income! Needed repairs would have wiped out her small savings. I researched senior apartments but there were 5-7 year waits for a place near family. And she would still need to pay for housekeeping, home aids, and all her other expenses.
At age 92 it made sense to find an Assisted Living placement near my sibs and myself. She toured several and selected this one herself. We sold her house and contents and now she has a comfortable income that covers all her expenses. If she outlives the money the AL has Medicaid placement as well as a partnership with a memory care facility nearby.
We visit regularly, take her on outings and keep her involved. And now we get to enjoy this stage in our lives, just like she did, with travel, grandchildren, friends, and hobbies.
I have been hurting and struggling for so long now I don’t even remember what it feels like to be truly happy about anything. There is always a dark cloud hanging over my life. That looming sense of dread and fear. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I look at others without parents to care for and wish I were them. I wonder what I did to deserve this fate. So when others try to judge and blame they should step back and realize the damage they are causing. And think maybe, just maybe everyone’s situation is unique.
It always makes me question if I’m doing the right thing, as if I don’t already question myself.
The thing for me is that my mom is mentally, not alert anymore but not demented either. It’s her body that’s failing her and that’s because she’s so afraid of falling she doesn’t exert herself anymore.
I question whether I’m doing right staying at home with her because she could use the social stimulation, she needs physical therapy that she would actually do, and she doesn’t trust me to lift her, saying that if I hurt myself then we’d be in a real pickle.
I question also how long she would have to be placed and will her funds run out before she passes. I question how she could survive in an environment where she’s the only lucid occupant.
I know that I have it real easy here. Even when she has the need for extra care she’s not too difficult(once we get back from her crying and not even trying to help herself.)
Face it, I don’t have anywhere else I’m supposed to be and my duties have more to do with the house which would disappear if she was in a home.
My mom has always been my staunchest support and my best friend, too. She never gave up on me and I don’t intend to abandon her until she has more needs than I can help her with.
She always thanks me for my help and as a matter-of-fact holds off asking me for help for reasons I can’t comprehend. She also makes out as if she’s fine but when we get a visitor, she’ll ask for all kinds of things. Or when she’s on the phone I hear a completely different version of her health status. I judge by how she’s moving which version is correct.
In my mind I foresee the possibility she may need nursing at home and I still see myself here helping with the house and being her advocate.
Unfortunately, my sister has medical poa and she is a lot less sentimental than I am. I’ve imagined that it would not be difficult to have an elder declared incompetent just by virtue of not communicating well because of hearing loss and poor eyesight.
My sister sometimes asks if I’m no longer able to care for mom or if I’ve come to the end of my rope. I always give her a flip answer but later on I wonder, “ What are the alternatives?”
I'm sorry people view placing someone in a nursing home as abandoning them for there is still things to do, just not 24/7.
And even when you have them in a nursing home, you second guess and second guess yourself for having to do it. The staff at the nursing home. Are they taking good care of your loved one? You always wonder. And worry, and wonder.
No, it's not an easy decision. Never one made lightly. No one should criticize.
Earlier this year a difficult set of family circumstances meant we had to place our mother into Respite care for a fortnight. The first night she was discovered continually wandering in search of the non-existent music; walking into walls and not knowing how to turn around; and looking for her mother who had died more than 40 years ago. Within just a few hours she was identified by RN as needing to be in a memory care unit. She had well and truly crossed from mild cognitive impairment into dementia, but had been hiding her symptoms very well - either that, or we were blinded by our promises to never place her in 'one of those dreadful places.' We thought her behaviour eccentric but what else does one expect from a 93 year old? And there was our always our ''promise''.
So we rocked up to her regular GP asking 'when is it time?" Would you believe his response was almost the same as the vet's regarding our cat? ''The fact that you are asking means that it is long past time!" He had been suggesting the idea of moving into assisted living to my mother for a number of years but she resisted - vehemently. "Family has to look after family" was her way of guilting us into compliance with her wishes. The GP said she was extremely lucky to have been looked after so well at home until then, that most people throw in the towel much earlier, unless they are gluttons for punishment or just plain naive. That ''love'' has nothing to do with it.
The GP's advice was grasp the opportunity to leave her at the aged care facility where they had a lovely room available in the memory care unit, otherwise it would be doubly difficult to both prise her out of my sister's home where she was then living, or to surrender our caring roles. In that instant we indeed surrendered our ''carer'' roles and became ''just family'' again.
How did mother take the news? We have never really told her. Like so many dementia patients, she hates it where she is and just wants to go home. But she has no concept of what home is. At times she is sufficiently ''with it'' to still try guilting us, that family should look after family, that we want her to die so we can have her money.....you name it, she has, and continues, to try to shame us into taking her home.
Not quite the final trip to the heaviside layer that we sent our beloved moggie along, but the relief for us has been incredible. Is it still stressful? Of course it is! But we can now walk away from the facility whenever we want, knowing that mother is well cared for. We recognise she will never be happy there, but her happiness has to be overridden by her safety and need for heavy nursing.
The more advanced her progressive dementia becomes, the more we realise we did do the right thing for our mother. It was, indeed ''time''.
SAFETY.
If for ANY reason you do not feel safe caring for your loved one..
and that can be a physical safety or emotional safety.
If for ANY reason you feel your loved one is not safe with you caring for them, and again that can be a physical safety or emotional safety.
The only possible 2 options are..
Placing your loved one in a facility where they will be cared for and you can then become the wife, husband, daughter, son, grandchild that you are and NOT a hands on caregiver. You are still a caregiver, an advocate but not a 24/7/365 hands on caregiver.
Having someone come in to the home and taking care of your loved one. BUT the house has to be set up so it is safe and works for the full range of care that will be needed. Since most homes are not set up that way and unfortunately builders are short sighted when it comes to aging into a home this often is not an option.
This also leaves the worst case where a decision has to be made due to a catastrophic event that occurs where either the caregiver or the care recipient is injured and no option is left.
Choosing to place your loved one is NOT a failure, it is NOT giving up it is making an educated informed, hopefully rational decision.
And in many cases the person that made you promise that you would NEVER put them in "a home" no longer exists. The well, rational person that made you promise that would most likely not have wanted you to give up your life, your family, your friends to care for them.
No one has a right to sit in judgement of others not knowing all the circumstances, and no one can really know all the circumstances and history, as you pointed out.
Also, each city, each area, that has a variety of facilities...the ratings do not always tell the whole story. So while it may look like there are good places, they may be a sham and not be. And the good ones...the very good ones...may come at a steep price no one can afford...so someone who loves their person may opt to hang tight and caregive at home rather than consider a home.
I think anyone who arrives at this page is doing the best they can, or wanting to regardless of the decisions they make. No one should be put down for whatever those choices are. Better the energies be directed to fighting for living wages with higher standards of care being provided by caregivers, and for paid family leave and continuation of social security benefits if someone leaves the workforce to care for family member. In the end the care people receive especially in NH or AL is dependent on the attitude and consequently wages of the caregivers at the bottom of the ladder.
This is unrealistic for you must work in order to contribute to social security in the future.
The trouble is, Mom was in a "Rehabilitation Center" after a medical problem earlier this yesr, and it was a nightmare. Another resident would come into her room and remove the family photos I put on her dresser. Mom told me that one of the staff pinched her. And there was a fiasco with her hearing aid (she can not hear without it) where it was lost; I had to go to the Director of Nursing a raise a fuss. After that, the hearing aid was kept in a medicine box and not in her ear. Lots of good that did her.
Mom did the "I want to go home and the "This is not my house" while the siblings were here and my brother wanted her in AL right away. The trouble is, I think mom is too far gone for AL. I hear of residents being expelled when the money is gone or they get too hard to care for. And I can not find a decent nursing home near here and still worry about what happens when mom's finances run dry.
Sorry to ramble about my woes. I do thank you for the post as some do not understand what family members who are primary caregivers go through.
Rumors are not true. I have spent a lot of time in the past 5 years doing all these things and consider the opinion of people actually involved in elder care much more reliable than "them."
My brother has many problems, not the least is his NOT using his walker, nor his sometime inability to guess WHERE the bathroom is actually located.
He is mostly sweet and agreeable with his care and he is never violent. Since the kidney doctor restricted fluids, he stays in bed until I turn on the TV in the morning ( I have a camera so I can check on him)
It would be good to be able to go shopping, be able to get out of town for the weekend sometimes ( My sister relieved me for a week off, but none of us are young and there is a 4 -5 hour trip each way for her to drive up). Our brother is confused after outings to the doctor, tests, treatments , and did not respond well when we attempted a trip just to a campground for a change of scenery).
I try not to to go anywhere that I cannot leave quickly to rush home for an emergency ( such as a bathroom accident or heaven forbid .. a fall) because I am the only one who is physically able to deal with those things.
That sounds like time to surrender and find him other help so that you can have your life back.