My parents were raised that the woman and kids wait on the dad. I lost my mama nearly 2 years ago. For the last 14 years my mama had health problems and never complained. My dad complains constantly. I have tried, and cried, but nothing is good enough. He has never done anything for himself. Now he is 84. I have tried for years to get him to try. He calls me at the least, 20 or more times, a day. That's on weekends. Through the week, I work 2 to 10:30. At least 10 calls before 1 o'clock. He gives me guilt all the time. He's hungry or lonely or just wants to see when I'm coming over to bring him something. This has went on for years. I have been asked in the past to just come serve cake and coffee to guests of his. Then I'm told I can clean up and leave. I am so depressed, I don't go out except to work or grocery shopping. I have 2 sisters and a brother, they have never helped. When I do go anywhere, he calls and makes cracks about "it must be nice to go out." I'm trying to stay away. But am I wrong or should I just give up and be the dutiful daughter, that is what he calls me. Help
Because you've just been emancipated. Slavery was abolished quite some time ago in the US.
His attitude will NOT change; only you can change. Take the advice given, set boundaries, and keep to them. Distinguish between the need to provide medical and ADL care or related activities, and social ones, between caring for him and being a servant.
Men with these kinds of attitudes are ingrained with the philosophy and attitude that women serve their men, so anticipate that snide remarks will be made because he has no other way of thinking. However, this attitude can easily segue into mental and emotional abuse b/c of the degradation of women who won't conform. And it probably threatens him if a woman stands up to him.
When he makes snide remarks such as ""it must be nice to go out", you can respond that, yes, it is, and is becoming more so since women have been emancipated from so much drudgery and living their lives as subordinate to men. Emphasize that we're equal human beings. Then leave and don't bother to wait for his response.
You can also, if you want to push it a little farther, provide him with articles on women's rights, especially women who have achieved so much outside of the home - execs, doctors, attorneys, engineers, politicians.
You can still be a caring daughter w/o being dragged down. But stop responding to his social needs. Let him serve food on his own.
But you also need to consider your self esteem, self respect and health first. If he continues to insult and degrade you, consider backing out, as perhaps your siblings have done, and advise him that you can help make arrangements for caregivers but you will not be a personal servant any more.
Way down the road, if you ever go to therapy, you will likely get asked "What do you get out of being enmeshed with Dad's treatment of you?"
Since you have not arrived at that point yet, just ignore what I have written here for your benefit. Be kind to yourself, it is a process. Reaching out as you have asked your question is the first, very brave step!
If Dad gets mad, so be it. Yes, there will be a lot of guilt, but in the background you can feel like you have won on this one issue.
It is your Dad's choice to continue to live in his home without hiring someone to help him. Yes, he is of that generation where the women do all the housework, cooking, grocery shopping, and be a nice hostess. I bet he has even asked you to quit work, right?