I posted a couple days ago that my mom was visiting for my daughter's graduation. My mom is 71, almost 72, lives on her own, still drives. She's very independent but surgery she had in Oct has been slow going as far as healing. She is now using a cane and has to use a scooter when getting around if the walk is too long or too far.
We have a dog. This isn't our first dog. She has been around our other dogs, likes dogs in general, had them as a kid. When she walked in and saw her she said I didn't know you had a dog! That was odd as it was a big deal when we got her since our other dog had passed away suddenly at 17 mos. I talk about her all the time. I reminded her that she knew we had a dog and she said, "oh that's right."
It went downhill from there. She seemed very agitated by the dog who would occasionally come up to her, sniff her shoes etc, doing dog things. My mom would pull her leg back "NO DOG NO" or "GET AWAY DOG!" It was a little unsettling that she was so loud about it and over the top with it.
The second day she did the same thing and would make comments like, "she wants to be my friend but I am not interested in being her friend" to my daughter or "wow she's so rambunctious! WHY IS SHE SO RAMBUNCTIOUS?" Side note: she's not rambunctious at all, she's a puppy, an English lab and quite mellow but if my daughter was PURPOSELY playing with her, yes, she was energized.
The third day she was REALLY over the top, at one point my mom had her hand hanging down over the the side of the chair and our dog brushed her hand with her nose. My mom YANKED her hand away, like physically pulled her hand back and recoiled with a look of disgust on her face and said "I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE DOG!" It was so over the top and LOUD and obnoxious. I could see my daughter's face crumple as yesterday she had just asked why is her grandmother so mean to her dog. I said in a very calm and low voice, "mom she's a dog, she's doing dog things she's not injuring you." and my mom said "I don't want that dog near me!" and I said "but you're willingly staying in a house that has a dog, get over it."
She did not look pleased.
Day four was THE WORST. After day 2 we had started limited the dog being out and about with her, but today was graduation day and after everyone left the house from the party, we were all just lounging around, including the dog. My other son came over and was hyping up the dog and she got into one of those zoomies moods where dogs just run through the house and in circles. We we were all laughing except my mom, she was tense and looked visibly disturbed. I was literally just about to say to my son to calm her down when she (the dog) jumped up on my daughter's lap, jumped down and jumped on the couch where my mom was sitting. Not on her just on the same couch. My mom lost her sh*t!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR DOG! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER GET HER AWAY! and she recoiled again from nothing touching her and had an absolute look of disgust on her face. Then she grimaced and said really loudly and with pure disdain, "I'm sorry but I just don't do dogs anymore!!!"
My daughter got up, folded her blanket and went in the other room, with the dog. I had words with my mom. I was upset at her constant negativity, her over the top reactions and her rudeness. She teared up and didn't take accountability and denied she was obnoxious and rude. My daughter was distant the rest of the trip as she was hurt and angry. I am more upset she didn't apologize as she made my daughter, her only granddaughter very sad and upset. She acted like nothing happened going forward and never brought it up again. It's baffling!
My question is this: how much can I expect of her and what is a fair expectation? I want to revisit this again but I don't know if it's worth it. My mom seems very defensive lately about things and self-centered. She doesn't realize she has hurt the relationship with her granddaughter.
And as I've said he has ZERO consideration for anyones else feelings. Even the kids...
And yep mention anything to him, even a friendly "word" and he escalates things to "getting upset" and switches into full on "martyr mode" as I call it.
Cats as you know are pretty low key compared to dogs. They don't do much. Our cats don't go near him.
Yet STILL he feels the need to comment about how filthy he thinks cats are. In front of my family. And twice hes told everyone the story about, how when he was younger he had a dog which caught next doors cat and killed it. Appropriate story to tell when my kids are listening that one!
BUT thats Dad for you. His attitude as always - ifs hes got an opinion hes allowed to say it whether its any of his business or not.
OP - I'd be tempted to tell mother to do one. Whereas you can be a bit more careful with her if shes not keen on the dog, at the end of the day, shes got accept if she wants to visit its going to be there. I disagree with people who say put the dog in cage when shes there.
Dad tried that one. Can we put the cats out when hes there? No.
Im sorry your dad was so dismissive of everyone’s feelings as well re the cats. It’s a hot mess!
Since your Moms reaction was so over the top, there is definitely a problem. She needs a good check up. Labs would show a UTI that could cause this. If not already diabetic, she now could be. Potassium levels cause problems.
If she won't be forthcoming with you, you might want to send a brief, bulleted list of you observations of the changes you've seen in your mom.
The doctor can't contact you unless mom has signed a HIPAA release, but you can send it "return receipt requested" so that you'll know it was received.
This is not "typical" behavior. It's not "just getting older". There's something going on that needs looking into.
I agree it is right to be sympathetic. I agree that people are entitled to their privacy. But when a person tells you they are fine when not only are they manifestly NOT fine but they are so not fine that they are making themselves disagreeable and acting out of character... perhaps the time has come to talk turkey.
You have every right to call your mother out on her evasiveness and defensiveness. I completely sympathise with her about the pain, horrible nagging pain that never goes away, in her knee and her ankle; but at this point there is more to it than just pain, isn't there. She must be feeling pretty despondent on top, and it's ruining her temper, and she may also be in that vicious circle where her immobility is leading to increased weight which further reduces her mobility...
So. With all sympathy and kindness, what's she planning to do about it? Sitting in a corner and expecting a puppy not to bounce is not working for her. You won't have the answers for her, of course, but if you can get her to think with more purpose you'll be doing her a big favour.
You'll have to apologize to your daughter for your mom, as mom seems unaware and incapable of understanding. This may be temporary with her pain, fear of falling, or any number of physical things. Or, it could be the start of some other issues. When I fell off a ladder and broke my wrist badly, needing surgery, I became fearful of falling and gave up ladders, bicycling, skiing. It suddenly dawned on me that I was breakable. Now I am 72 and sometimes forgetful, or a bit confused if I am tired. I hope my understanding and sense of humor last.
I'm sorry you have to go through her changes, especially since it came as a surprise and bothered your daughter. I cared for my aunt till Feb. this year, and she was good with our puppy/dog until she was often in pain, had fallen a lot (even though the dog was always gentle with her). She began to get grumpy with him, so he'd go upstairs or outside. He seemed to understand, but kept away from her. Good luck.
Can she stay in a hotel?
Can you cage the dog, keep it away from guests?
So sorry this happened and you and your family had hurt feelings.
I am a dog lover.
I don't know, obviously, but to me this sounds like your mother is very stressed about the dog *because* she's very stressed about whatever injury it is she's recovering from. If you're "guarding" a wound or a bruise or a weak joint or anything like that, you have a very low threshold of tolerance for anything that might bang into it or jolt it.
No, she is not being reasonable. The dog is a dog. It means her no harm. It is up to *her* to place herself where the dog cannot crash into her, but you can help by providing her with a comfortable chair somewhere she can stay well out of the way.
My Staffy (best ever gentlest ever Granny-guardian and wonder dog) grazed my MIL's hand with his teeth. She dined out on that for *months.* You and your daughter have my complete sympathy, but hey it's just one of the aspects of dog ownership, that you have to keep your dog away from people who don't appreciate him just at that moment.
She had no choice but to pursue the surgery when she tore her meniscus in the other knee from trying to compensate for the ankle.
Shes healed but because of the weight she had issues with physical therapy and is “behind” a bit in where she should be.
I totally agree it’s the dog owners responsibility to help the dog away from someone who might be uncomfortable but since she was mostly immobile we were stuck indoors for 10 hours a day. As much as we kept the dog away there were of course a few odd times she’d walk over near her or even past her and she’s still have something to say. It’s so very hard to love your parent and at the same time see them act completely disinterested in being appropriate to those who are accommodating them.
If she is having balance/mobility issues, it may be that having a puppy around (they are unpredictable in their movements) is frightening to her because she fears falling/getting jumped on, etc.
She may be having chronic pain that is making her cranky.
She may have developed some cognitive impairment that is having an effect on her personality.
She might be brewing a Urinary Tract Infection (these can have weird behavioral consequences in elders, and often occur without the usual physical symptoms that we usually associate with them)
She might have some underlying worry about something else (an ill friend, money, neighborhood safety issues) that are causing her to be irritable.
She could be depressed. Irritability is a symptom of depression.
I would try to enter into a conversation with her about this change in behavior from a place of kindness and concern about her well-being, rather than from an attitude of "why are you being mean to your only granddaughter?"
This is a change in mental status in your mom. It warrants investigation. Only you can figure out how to best, and gently, get her to see this as a valid concern that should be brought to her doctor.