My mother and I have an estranged relationship. I was put into foster care at the age of 13 due to physical abuse. After becoming an adult and getting married, I decided to try to have a relationship with my mother which turned out to be one of the worst mistakes I could have made. Mostly due to the fact she was abusive even in my adult age and was abusive towards my children. She also has tried to claim that she hired a hitman to kill my husband. After all of this, I cut all ties once and for all... 3 years ago I get a call from a psych ward she was in that she needed placement into an assisted living facility, which I did help her with. Even after my husband and I helped her with that, it turned out to be the same thing. As always, she threatened us, wanted to have us arrested and killed. Even telling all of the workers at the assisted living facility that she wanted nothing to do with me. Now 3 years later, I am receiving a call for the first time from the assisted living facility letting me know that if I do not respond to them in 72, hours they are going to call adult protective services. I have had to protect myself and my family over these years and have been advised, even by my own therapist, not to have anything to do with my mother. I don't know what is going to happen next. Can someone please give me some insight or advice as to what I need to do or what can happen?
Please protect yourself and your family.
You are under ZERO obligation to your mother. If you are contacted by APS tell them that you are completely estranged from your mother, who in all likelihood is mentally ill, and who has threatened the lives of your family. Tell them that you REFUSE to have anything whatsoever to do with this woman who you no longer consider to be in any way a relative of your. Tell APS that you hope that your mother will become a ward of the state, and wish the state good luck in dealing with her.
The end.
Again, you are under no obligation to have anything whatsoever to do with you mother UNLESS you take on guardianship, POA or conservatorship of her; see to it that you do not.
Please get and read the book by Liz Scheier, a memoir, called Never Simple. Ms. S. attempted to help her mother for many decades, along with the city and state of New York. Nothing worked.
Stay away from this woman. Sadly she is your mother by accident of birth. There is no reason she need to anything else in your life. I am so very sorry. Make a family you can shower with loving care and take great delight in. I wish you the best.
This is important because if you have any kind of legal authority for her then you will have to formally relinquish this over to the state.
If you don't and you are merely her listed contact then you don't have to respond at all. Let them call APS. They will mke her a ward of the state.
I would say that the AL has to show they tried to make contact before APS was called in. I would not call the AL. They gave OP 72 hours. No call from her so onto APS.
Good that you took no responsibility for her. Sounds like ur DH will stand with you. NO is a one word sentence. Don't say yes to anything. They will say they can help you find resources but that is not so. Its very hard to place a mentally ill person. The State will get her placed a lot quicker.
It will also save APS's then having to dilly about trying to contact the OP to ask the same questions.
Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.
You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
Imagine what fur might fly if this wasn't done!
Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.
You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
That'll give them an idea of the extent of your relationship.
Don't worry -- she won't be abused or shut in a closet somewhere. She'll receive the care she needs without anyone involved carrying the emotional baggage that plagues you. It's best for all involved.
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