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Mom is 87, has arthritis in both legs and hip she can walk very little but gets around in her wheelchair great. She is competent and is in a rehab/ nursing home facility. She has been in there almost her 21 day stay. She refuses to stay any longer and wants out. The problem is where is she going to live? She lived with me and my family for nine months, I was under alot of stress and so was my family. I could not eat and I was losing weight, because of stress of mom and family. So I asked her if she would stay with my sister in law or my (sister) bad decision for a while. Just to give us a break. My is sister is manic with depression and bipolar. She only stayed a week with sister. She got a UTI and sister took her the hospital thinking they could help mom with inconvenience and therapy. Sister lives in a smaller camper trailer, mom could not walk with her walker or go to the bathroom or shower. She yelled and cursed at mom so bad she would not go back to the camper with her. She told the Dr and nurses she couldn't go back, she is afraid of her. I called the hospital and told them that I wanted her placed in a rehab in the town that we live in so I could be in contact with her and her care. I love mother with all my heart we have always been so close and this tears my heart out. Moms keeps crying and asking me to come back and live with us. But I can't because of all the stress. She just doesn't understand!! I am trying to get her a low income apartment or something she can afford but there is waiting lists or all filled. I almost had her one that would have been great for her, but my sister ruined it for her. She called the manager multiple times wanting to live in with mom to be her caregiver. Mom, is capable of living alone right now, and does not want my sister to live with her. I can't make mom stay against her will. She has no one else to stay with. She can't live with my manic crazy sister, Lord only knows what could happen. She is still in possession of mom's car and her personal items that she will not bring to her. I don't know, I am at the end of my rope and it is unraveling! If anyone has had this problem or has a suggestion or solution please help!!!

I would talk to her primary doctor to see if she is a candidate for LTC.

"Moms keeps crying and asking me to come back and live with us. But I can't because of all the stress. She just doesn't understand!!"

IMO it's not that she doesn't understand, it's that she might have the beginnings of dementia. One thing that dementia takes away is a person's ability to have empathy for others. It also takes away their reason and logic. You may think your Mom is "competent" but if she took a MOCA test (for executive function) you might be shocked at how poorly she does.

You haven't mentioned if anyone is her PoA. If she doesn't have one and isn't willing or legally able to create one, then she becomes a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. This is a solution you may want to (or have to) consider.

The rehab needs to know she doesn't have a place to go because you can no longer care for her and your sister is mentally ill and verbally abusive to her. You may want to consult with a social worker at the rehab facility to see what her options are.

I'm sorry for this distressing situation. There may be options (that are "least bad" solutions) but you will have to accept them as such.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If mom can get on a program to live in a low cost assisted living program, let her do so. Don't let her come back to live with you.

These parents will eventually become too much to handle at home. Don't try to take this on alone. Please do not let false guilt trick you into bringing her back home. You do not need to upset your life and household to take care of your mom. I know that you love your mom, but please put this situation in proper perspective.

Sister sounds like she has untreated bipolar disorder going on. I would call APS and report a vulnerable adult. Let them handle this. With proper meds, your sister has a chance of some recovery. She should not live alone with mom.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Report crazy sister to APS, and let Drs know sister is Manic and wants her food stamps. She's a desperate, mentally ill person that was abusive to Mom. Nobody can use a wheelchair and live in a trailer! Crazy sister is trying to weasel in and needs to be cut off!

Tell Rehab that Mom is UNSAFE DISCHARGE. Let them know about the crazy sister, especially the SW. They can help you find a safe place for Mom, with better care.

REFUSE to take Mom home, you cannot deal with Mom's care. Tell them you work and have a family. If she comes back in, you will never get her out. She needs experienced medical care.
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Reply to Dawn88
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I would have her evaluated while in Rehab. If they feel she is 24 /7 care then transfer her to a LTC facility if needs Medicaid or AL if she has money. There is no one to care for her. You need to make this plain to the SW. You can be competent but need 24/7 care. Do not let them say that there is help. Once u walk out that door with her, your on ur own.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It might be necessary to involve Adult Protective Services regarding your sister's abusive treatment of your mother. A record will then at least be started, that documents that your mentally ill sister is an unsafe and dangerous caregiver for Mom. Get APS involved and start that documentation
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Reply to fluffy1966
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I would add to all the good advice here -- do not give your sister any information about your mother at all and tell the rehab where she is not to give your sister any information about your mother and that she was abusive when your mother stayed with her. Call APS now. And talk to a social worker at the rehab place to see if they can help. Please do not bring your mom home or she won't leave. I regret it every day that I'm living with my mom. Please don't make the mistake I made because I love her and felt frickin' guilty. Please let us know what you do and how it's going. I wish you all the best in this horrible situation.
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Reply to Jacquelinezr
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I just want to say that I am so sorry for you, me and everyone who is a caregiver in this time of unnavigable care options for our elders. It is sad and stressful and almost impossible to plan for, no matter how financially wealthy one may be.

Today I will pray for all caregivers and the elderly who are in flux. I will pray for them to find peace in their day and kind people wherever they may be. I will pray for them to not lose hope and to find a little joy in everyday. Also, for the nurses and aides who are so desperately needed to care for this population.
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Reply to Kimbasimba
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Hi Butterfly62,
I'm sorry you are going through this but I do understand! Long story short, my dad spent time in rehab twice. He came home the first time and we hired people to help but it was not enough. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and has a lot of health issues. I finally convinced him to go to a facility because he needs 24 hour care but there have still been times when I think he was trying to plot a way to come home because he would say he is in his right mind and can do what he wants plus I think friends of his were probably telling him he should be at home with me taking care of him but it was not and still is not possible. Maybe you can try touring some nice assisted living places with her. I feel your pain but please do not be hard on yourself. You tried and it was causing too much stress for you. It is a blessing that she is still able to stay alone. I wish you the best!
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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MargaretMcKen Oct 25, 2024
If M wants a 'low income apartment', she probably can't afford 'a nice AL'. If she could live alone in an apartment, she probably won't qualify for NH care. Tricky!
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The crazy sister needs removed from the situation. Do not tell her what is going on with mom until mom is settled and even then I would not want her involved.

This is such an awful time of life. Our day to day lives are not set up for multi generational living/care. Everyone works and the kids are involved in so much. It is fast paced and not slowing down for those who cannot care for themselves. You cannot sacrifice your health so that your mom doesn't get upset. She has to go somewhere. Get in touch with a social worker and ask for help placing your mom somewhere. Your mom is almost 90 yrs old....her health and mental status can change on a dime. Think long term when finding somewhere for her to go, otherwise you're going to be doing this all over again in 6 months.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Mom is competent so she can make the decision to leave the facility where she currently is.
YOU are competent and YOU can make the decision that mom can NOT live with you.
So your mom has to find a place where she can live safely and comfortably.
Senior housing is an option but many have long waiting lists if she needs low income housing.
If the rent is not a problem then many places would be possible.

Your mom living with your sister who lives in a smaller camper is NOT safe or comfortable.

Begin by telling mom that you will help her look for an apartment or if a condo is an option that would work. But tell her that she can not move back in with you.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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