She has a blood disease and migraine. Migraines have worsened in the past two months. All upper teeth had to be extracted. Now he eats with difficulty and with pureed food. I have a wife and two children and I am exhausted physically and mentally. My mother refuses any outside help, especially an outsider to help her at home. She tells me that only I should watch her. Sometimes she order me that I have to stay up all day and all night. Unfortunately, I can't make it. I've tried many times to explain with good that I can barely handle work and kids, but she refuses to understand. Reluctant to take pain medication. Sometimes she looks like understands and tells me to go home, and take care of my kids, but after a few hours calls me to come to her, because she feels very sick and cannot stand out of bed. Please help with advice.
”No “
“ Sorry Mom , that’s not possible “.
“ Sorry Mom, I can not come right now , I have my own responsibilities at home to tend to .”
” Mom I can not provide all the help you need , hired help will be required .”
Your mother pays for the hired help to come to her home or she goes into assisted living . You use Moms money or sell her home to pay for her care .
Stand up to Mom’s demands with the word “ No”.
Your life matters too , as well as your marriage , and health and family time with your children .
No one can walk all over you unless you are laying face down on the floor.
No, is a complete sentence try using the word, she is manipulating you.
You are going to have to create boundaries and maintain them. You will have to have a good sitdown talk with your mom and tell her you are not strong enough, and haven't enough time or energy to deal with her requirements of you. Give her emergency numbers to call if she feels to sick to get out of bed. That requires hospitalization, not your running back and forth trying to fix things for her. It may also require long term care, but that isn't your concern.
Your obligation is to yourself and to your family. Tell your mom you can talk with her every morning and evening briefly, but if she requires care she will have to hire on some care, and if she cannot do that she will have to have placement where her needs can be met, and you will hep her to find that.
If you cannot find a way to stand up for yourself then I would suggest therapy. Sometimes a licensed social worker working with life transitions in private practice is best for these issues, and to help you come to agreement with your mother as to proper boundaries.
Set her up for the day, perhaps go and see her in the evening. Tell her again. After that, repeat the experience of a day on her own. You will probably need to do it three times before she understands that you are serious.
The point is, you are not going to ‘talk her into’ being different. You have to demonstrate it in real terms. When she finally gets the point that YOU are being different, it may be possible to talk to her sensibly.
Something else you will have to accept is that you are NOT going to be able to do this without upsetting M.
If so you tell her that you can no longer "help" her doing all that you do.
You "help" her when you can on YOUR schedule. Say "Mom, I can help out on Monday and Thursday, the rest of the week you are on your own. If you need more help than I can give you you will have to hire someone or it will wait until the next day that I can come over."
If something happens and she calls you and says she is sick and can not stand or get out of bed you can call 911 and explain the situation. When she ends up in the ER or she is admitted to the hospital you can ask to talk to a Social Worker and let them know that she does not have anyone to help her at home and that you feel that to discharge her to her home would be unsafe.
How old is she? Is she cognitively sound or has dementia? How much can she understand?
So even though I thought I had my boundaries down I really really didn't.
Sorry your going through this , but you need to get a lot stronger and start thinking of yourself, you need to sleep. It's not a want it's a human need, it will effect you in so many ways.
Cult leaders do sleep deprivation, to achieve control, is this any different?
Get some time away, get some sleep, better nutrition, therapy, or good self help books. I would if I where you read , Melody Beattys book, Codependency no more. Another one of her books was the 12 steps to codependency. It goes through all the AA steps, but just for codependent people.
I remember the first paragraph, said do you feel that your life is out of control, then do these steps. Something like that anyways. Your life is out of control, no doubt. So try it.
Best of luck, hope we could help
But, if you think you can still reason with her, consider writing down all the things she wants/needs done. Make a comprehensive list WITH her. Then check off the things you are willing to do for her. Hold her accountable for how the remaining items are going to get done. Will she do them herself? Will she hire help? What will happen if they remain undone? Press her for answers. Those are HER problems to solve. Not yours.
Either your mother’s brain is broken (and she needs hired care or placement) or she is selfish and unreasonable so you need to set boundaries.
I understand the position you’re in. My mother threatened, then tried, to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to be with her 24/7. I used her suicide note to involve EMS and the police. She is now in care.
Good luck!
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