Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Last Christmas my dad was declining rapidly so instead of bringing him to my house my sister and I went to his AL brought some treats a few small gifts and spent time with him there. He was in a wheelchair which wouldn’t have been an issue at my house but toileting may have been. I’m not sure if he understood it was Christmas to begin with.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Had a very similar situation with Mom in nursing home. Would have been nice to let her visit home but would have faced all of your issues. We used one of the lounge rooms at the nursing home, made all the usual Christmas foods, invited a few other relatives to join us. My aunt was also in same facility, so of course she and some of her immediate family were included. All of us together sort of took some of " the sting" out of the situation. Was my mom's last Christmas, we tried our best. It helps if you bring some " hooch" along. Good luck, it's hard.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

If it’s MIL, tell hubby she’s his to clean up after, if he wants her over. The problem is a complex one which, sometimes, must be handled with a simple answer! Enough of women doing all the world’s dirty (& unpaid) work!!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My wife will be 59 this month. She has been hospitalized or in a NH for the past 14 months. She is wheelchair bound, but sometimes transfers herself from wheelchair to bed and or toilet and reverse. However, because she is stubborn and will not call for help, she has fallen on average of 2 times a week since September.

Whenever I visit, she expects me to do all the moving her. ( I injured my back in 1996 and have been on disability since. 3 failed back surgeries I am 64 and limited in what I can lift.

She says she is coming home for an overnight visit Christmas. I don't think I can handle this. I am also afraid that once she is back in the home, she will refuse to leave.

I have missed visiting her less then 10 days since October 2017 and usually spend a minimum of 4 hours with her, When she has been hospitalized or first moved back to the NH sometimes as much as 18 hours. I also have a learning disabled 18 YO boy at home. He visits with her at least 2 times a week.

What to do?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Harpcat Dec 2018
Your mom sounds like my dad in reading your first paragraph!! Garylee, you should post your question on your own post so you will get lots of help. But your mom can’t force you to bring her and No is an ok answer. Holidays will never be the same. I gave up that illusion after last year when my dad was wheelchair bound in the NH. This year we are going to visit him there and that’s that. Just say No mom, not this year, maybe next. Use a therapeutic fib of some sort and say you’re remodeling the bathroom or kitchen or something. Have plumbing issues. Have dinner with her there or take dinner to her. You actually have control over this not her. You just need to realize it and make a firm decision and be ready with your answer.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
Remember a mother can never be replaced no matter her state of being. You wouldn't want your husband to resent you if this is the last Christmas with his mother. We really never know. Put her on disposable briefs and enjoy your day with your family. Sometimes we have to sacrifice being uncomfortable for the ones we love. It's just ONE day!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
gdaughter Dec 2018
Not everyone has a loving relationship with their mother and every day could be anyone's last. The husband could far more easily visit his mother elsewhere but as I suggested, get some hired help to attend to her needs with the steps and potential for incontinence. Although it's "just ONE day" it could literally be the last day if someone gets injured with the steps be it the daughter in law or the mother in law or even the son.
(4)
Report
Um.....surely MIL did not end up in her current condition overnight.

How often did MIL visit your home (wherever you might have lived) in the past 5 years? Past 2 years? Past 1 year?

This sounds like classic case MAMA DRAMA. The only body part that hasn’t given out is her mouth, and she’s going in for the kill: holiday guilt.

She asks her only son for the almost-impossible, and won’t let it drop.

Why? For the attention.

When? Christmas - of course!

OK - Let’s pretend you have a elevator and a budget to replace your furniture and a handyman on retainer who will widen your bathroom doorway tomorrow.

What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?

Or will MIL enter with a recitation of foods she cannot eat (everything you are serving).... and complain about your dog.... and take issue with the temperature of your house.... and demand to know why some moldy ornament from 1951 isn’t on your tree?

This is a tough one. Maybe say yes, and let the old bird ruin your furniture and ruin your day. Afterwards, you’ll have some leverage for the (much-needed) come-to-Jesus convo with your husband.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Sendhelp Dec 2018
Blackhole,
You said:
"What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?"

That should be the criteria for any guest....coming into our homes.
This crossed my mind over the last 30 days of my suffering and wondering if I could take it from a certain visitor. My mind said: "But they are not a very good guest", and I passed that thought by, continued to suffer.

Outcome: Everyone was on their best behavior out in public, at a restaurant.

I will remember your comment in 2019!
(0)
Report
I honestly don’t see how you could possibly get a wheelchair bound person into you stilt home. If your husband has a plan I’d love to hear it. Carrying her is just not an option. Even if he were 6’6 and she was 75 lbs.
The incontinence is simple enough as long as she agrees. Have the staff put her in a pull up. Go with him to pick her up and make sure you ask the staff or physically check if she’s in a clean one before you leave with her. Arrive early to ensure time to check this.
Lay a blanket across your car seats and furniture. All of the furniture, so as to look natural. You could put a towel underneath it too just in case it would leak and for your peace of mind.
I understand mother in law issues!! Believe me I do. But ultimately this is his mom and he wants and needs this time with her at Christmas. Be thankful it’s only this one day! It’s just not a battle I would take on with your spouse over this one visit. Surely he feels guilty about her not seeing your place. Sounds like she’s made sure of this. Guilt tripping mothers are extremely effective at this.
I learned a whole lot about my MIL and my husband in two years of living with my MIL.
If your furniture would get soiled, I would calmly and matter of factly buy new furniture.
Maybe all your husband really wants from you is your willingness to try to do this for him. Once he has your blessing he’ll quickly realize this is an impossible request. I’m picturing lots of wooden small stairs at least 6 to 10 feet up to get to your place.
Then what if there was emergency with her? How would the squad get her down? Unless he can build a ramp or install and elevator I just don’t see it happening.
So give your blessing and do try to make it a nice visit for the two of them. Limit the time for her well-being due to the incontinence to no more than 4 hours start to finish. Unless he and she are ok with her being changed by him and you have a bathroom and a door large enough to accommodate the wheelchair too. Good grief, that’s a whole lot of work just for a location.
A better idea would be to find a restaurant or some other place and spend time with her that way. Go to the nursing home and have Christmas there.
One of our families in the nursing home, recently made a day of having their loved one give gifts to the staff with cards with lotto tickets and a large throw to each of us. Lol they’re very wealthy though. But simply giving out chocolates or cookies is a nice gesture that she may enjoy.
Buy her a small Christmas tree for her room and help her decorate it and exchange gifts. Whatever their old tradition was try to simulate it there.
I’m really thinking he’d rather you be the obstacle then for him to have to tell her it just can’t happen because of her wheelchair. I don’t know you two but your posted information has me wondering if that’s the case? Guilt tripping moms are really difficult to deal with directly, perhaps you’re easier to pick a fight with? Hang tight and refuse to be the bad guy here.
Best wishes!
Let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

To add to my answer/question:
If your dH actually has a reasonable plan to get her there and into the house then as Daughterof1930 pointed out the toileting issues are not insurmountable, point out that lots of women younger than her use an incontinence pad or brief when they are out for the day and remind her to go in and "freshen up" when she arrives and before the meal.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I'm curious, what is your husband's solution to getting her up the stairs and into your home?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

When my mother was in a nursing home and was completely unable to do anything physically we still brought her home for holiday visits. This required someone to transfer her in and out of wheelchair at the car, doing all lifting and placing of her. She wore an adult diaper while home which was changed at some point during the visit, requiring her to be transferred onto a bed and back into wheelchair. If you and your husband can make a plan for safely lifting his mom up the stairs into your home, and she’s either able to go to the bathroom or agree to an adult undergarment for the visit, it’s doable. If she can’t be safely lifted up the stairs, or would feel insecure in this, or you can’t work out a bathroom plan that is good for all then it’s not doable. In our case, my mother loved her home and missed it terribly, so it was worth the hassle to bring her there as often as we could make it happen
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter