What to do about Christmas?
I am not sure what to do…
I can remember realizing that my husband had memory issues around Christmas of 2017. He would ask me what I wanted for Christmas, but would never remember what I said. We had separate bank accounts then. I would buy the gifts for our family members and he felt obligated to give me 1/2 of the money. He paid me twice that year because he didn’t remember that he had already given me the money. That is when I knew there was a memory problem….
Every Christmas since then, it has been the same thing — several times he’d ask me what I wanted and still not remember. I have gotten to a point where I just tell him that I didn’t want anything, which is the truth. I would really rather that we not exchange gifts. We get what we need/want throughout the year. He thinks he needs to buy me something anyway… At the same time, I don’t want to get frustrated, or have him get frustrated because he doesn’t remember.
The same thing is happening this year. I thought I would get by this year without him even thinking about it. No such luck. Every day for the past 3 days, he has asked me. Each time, rather than say I don’t want anything, I tell him that I already bought something that he can give me (a new lens for my camera). To complicate things, we are in a new state and he can’t just hop in the car and run to the store, like he used to do. We are not close to stores. I don’t even know if he knows how to shop online anymore (and probably shouldn’t be doing that anyway.)
What do I do? As time goes on, will he eventually just stop asking??
Do whatever is easiest that will help you answer the 10,000 questions that come with the dementia territory you KNOW will be forthcoming. Do NOT allow DH to purchase anything on his own, or God forbid, drive anywhere to purchase anything. Those days are gone now.
Who knows if and when he'll stop asking; dementia is very different for each person suffering from the condition. It DOES change however, so just when you think you know what's coming next, it'll change. That's one of the worst things about it: the not knowing.
Best of luck.
Does your husband still have access to his own money?
Make sure he has the money to buy that gift you do not want.
Have someone take him shopping for flowers. Then, everytime he asks, thank him for the flowers he bought for you.
With memory issues, try not to change the traditions he still wants to observe.
Be grateful he remembers that he wants to give you a gift. That is so very sweet!
There is an art to being a gracious receiver. Even though as wives we may err on the side of practicality, efficiency, or the budget, be gracious this year even if it takes repeating several times and is more work for you.
You deserve a gift this year, you really do. Receive it.
It sounds like he has some type of dementia.
Has he been tested? This has been going on for years so I am presuming that you've had him tested.
If he's been tested and confirmed to have dementia, his memory will be impaired, as you know/experience.
If he hasn't been tested, why not and get him to his primary MD ASAP to get a diagnosis.
I sense your question is more about his repetitive statements and forgetting vs Christmas/gifts, etc. You want to know how to respond to him and manage the 'communication' / 'responses' you hear over and over again (causing you stress if not somewhat severe anxiety, frustration, grief (due to his declining cognitive abilities), which is understandable).
* I don't think there is any 'cut and dry' response here.
* It is a matter of you adjusting to his condition, understanding it and that he will continue to do what he is doing or it may become more severe.
* All you can change is how you adjust how you feel about this situation - realizing that it is what it is and that you need:
- Self compassion
- Self care
- Self love
+ Support from family and friends, neighbors, church - wherever you can get it.
What would I do? It is easy being on the outside looking in vs being in a situation (as many here on this site are or have been).
* For my own sanity, I wouldn't bring up Christmas at all (although too late for that now).
* I would keep my response VERY SHORT.
- Wear a necklace or a watch and say "See, you bought me this beautiful XXX. Its almost dinner time, what would you like for dinner Honey?"
- "We exchanged gifts" - and what would you like for dinner Honey?"
In other words, shift the conversation IMMEDIATELY to hopefully shift his automatic response pattern, knowing that it will likely / possible happen again in 1-5 minutes or however often he repeats himself.
* Give yourself respite breaks. YOU NEED THESE BREAKS.
- Whatever you do, can you leave him and take a walk around your garden or the block or something / somewhere ? Go into your room and cry or read a passion from an inspirational book?
There is NO PROBABLY about it re him shopping on-line. You need to insure that he doesn't have access to these sites NOR credit cards, etc. Clearly, you know there is a memory problem (dementia) so I question why he might be in a physical position to even get to the point of shopping on-line, even if he could / can open websites.
I sense there may be some denial (his ability to shop on-line) and/or your need for guidance / education on types of dementia (google and read TEEPA SNOW's website- call her office, get her webinars.
- You will learn a lot of what you need to know (i.e., how to communicate with a loved one with dementia).
- She brilliantly shows us how to respond / communicate.
Lastly, if he has the ability, tell him you want a hand massage. This is a lovely way to connect and something he could do immediately. And, you might get a few since he repeats himself . . . Get a shoulder, neck massage, or foot massage. This will really help you, and he will feel good, doing something you want - giving you something you want. If he can't, tell him you want to gift him a massage.
Take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you.
Gena / Touch Matters
When he asks, tell him what you want. Then get yourself that gift. Later, show him the package and remind him the gift is from him. When it’s time to exchange gifts you can open yours and thank him as you would have in the past. You can even tell him he had help getting the gift for you if he asks further questions. Emphasis on how pleased you are. Keep the joy of giving in his life.
This is about dementia / and how his brain is working now.
Not about giving / getting gifts. He will NOT remember - perhaps after a few minutes.
That can do 2 things.
1. if he "forgets" the items is on paper and he can refer to it any time.
2. you can monitor his comprehension of the written word. He at some point may not know how to read or how to associate a word on paper with the meaning of the word.
3. in stead of "things" you want make this things that you want him to do FOR you. Fix the back stair, clean the basement, take you to dinner. This also will serve a function, can he complete a task? Does he know how to begin the project and carry through.
Yes he will at some point stop asking but that is a loss, a decline. There will be many along the way.
Has he had a "formal" diagnosis? Have you both talked to an Elder Care Attorney and set up paperwork that you may need in the near future. Have you discussed his wishes as to advance directives? Have you given thought as to how much you can do, is there a point that you will consider placing him in Memory Care?
Back in 2020, I took care of all the legal papers. I am not considering memory care. I hope I don’t have to. I have talked to him about it, though, and he is completely against it. He said if is sent to one, he will never make it in the door….
The suggestion to wrap the gift already is a very good one. This adds a visual cue - this could be the winner!
Then point to it, a simple statement with confidence that it is already prepared. He may not remember & keep asking, but hopefully his worries fade quickly each time.
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