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Hi, I have been caring for my elderly father (83) for around 8-9 years. Recently these last few years his health is declining. His had several falls, his breathing is not good due to being a smoker most of his life. He has emphysema.


The last few years have felt more and more demanding and challenging. Covid seem to magnify any existing problems. I have not really been able to do much of anything for myself durning these last 4 years.


My question is what should be expected from family in terms of support. I have reached out many times out of despair and frustration hoping for some help or understanding. The response is always well wishes and kind words, but nothing in terms of action to help at all.


Recently I have had to speak plainly to them about our fathers health condition and frustration that comes with it. Yet I'm still meet with indifference.


Is this normal? Have I expected too much from them?

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I think this is normal in some families. I too have several siblings and I am the only one who does the lions share of my father's care. When he was hospitalized several years ago, I was told I was POA and responsible for him and his care. However, my siblings have no issue with giving me advice about his care and how much more I can do. They have not walked this journey with me at all. I have a brother who occasionally shows up. I have another brother who is in a new relationship and couldn't be bothered with my parent. However, he does everything for his girlfriend's family. However, that brother would like to think he's in charge of everything so he shows up when other family relatives from a distance come to see my father. He speaks to these relatives telling them all that is being done for Dad, but never once saying whose doing it. I think just so he looks good to everyone.

All I can say is God sees everything. A nurse for my father spoke with me about my family dynamic and she said "please don't worry about what's going on now with your siblings. Focus on your father's care if you have to outsource because other family members won't step up so be it. I have been a nurse in the geriatric field for over 30 years and I don't believe in karma but what goes around definitely does come around. She continued, I've seen it every time. Your siblings will see the error of their ways."
This helped me, not the karma part, but knowing others have been through this. It's hard. That conversation gave me the impetus to put out to my siblings that Dad needs help. If they don't respond in anyway and by a certain date, I bring in the agency. I only do what I can do.
I have grown a very thick skin and let their excuses of why they can't see Dad roll off of me.
The one thing I don't understand is can't they atleast say thank you for all I have been doing! Selfishness at it's height!
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waytomisery Oct 2023
I’ve been there . Same experience . Do not expect any thanks from your siblings.
My experience was they were happy when I was doing everything and didn’t have interest in what exactly my parents needed. When I had to put my mother ( a year after Dad died ) in a facility , then they were interested , had suggestions , and criticism , although none of them offered to take care of my parents in lieu of placing them in a facility .

I have never figured out how all but one of my siblings thought they could demand I continue being in servitude and not offering to help at the same time . Even my sister in law got pushy , agreed with the rest who said I should have quit my job , left my husband and teen daughter and moved in with Mom. I couldn’t have Mom live with me , no downstairs full bath , mom could not be home alone and refused any hired help coming into the house . Ironically that sister in law placed her own mother in AL about a year later .

Good for you for growing a thick skin . I never complained to my siblings nor asked for help and had to go mostly no contact to deal with the criticism . It was hard enough dealing with a narcissist with dementia .

I don’t understand the selfishness either , except , I don’t think they realized how much I was doing , because they’ve never done it. When my father died from cancer for some reason they talked about how “ we took care of him “ .” We “did not take care of him . All they did was visit him occasionally . This was at the house after the funeral . When my mother died I only saw my siblings at the wake and funeral . I skipped out on the post funeral food get together and fictional story telling .
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POAs arrange for care, using the principle's funds. There is no requirement to do the care themselves.

And if the principle is impoverished, that's where Medicaid comes in.
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I have to agree with BarbBrooklyn. How did this become "your job"? I was in another state minding my business when my family who lives in the same state as my aunt suddenly called me and expected me to give up my life, come and live with my aunt and be her caregiver. I visited, and did what I could, but noticed the more I gave, they stepped back, gave pointers here and there, and decided it would fall on me. I asked myself, what is wrong with this picture? Why is everything falling on me with no help from them?
So I decided for my sake and sanity that this would not all fall on me. I got out of hell, and I'm staying out of hell. People will take, take, take to make their lives easier, and don't care about yours.
I think if you step back, maybe someone else will step up?
I understand your frustration, because I felt it, too.
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Welcome, Daniel!

I can sympathize with your frustration. I want you to look at the other side of it, though.

How did caring for your father come to be "your" job? Did you step in during an emergency? Move in when your life was in transition? Decide unilaterally that dad needed help?

Sometimes folks paint themselves into corners. They get in to trouble and yell for help. No one shows up.

Your family isn't going to show up for dad until you change the situation. By not doing the caregiving any more.

In the end, a decision will need to be made, by dad if he's competent, by his POA if he's not, about what level of care is needed and how it gets delivered and paid for.

We are here to offer advice on how to change this situation if you want to do that
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There’s another side to the coin here too. I was caring for my mom who had dementia but my sibling had POA.

After an argument with him & him telling myself & my family how he wanted things done because he had POA & that he had control & that my mom’s affairs were none of my business I stepped away & told him he could handle everything from then on.

I would never again care for anyone without POA……..lesson learned the hard way.
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taimedowne Oct 2023
Agree. Without a POA then I am not going to do it. Even *WITH* POA it can be difficult because the parent can revoke it. I am not here to do battle with stubborn people. I had POA and I resigned it because clearly it wasn't appreciated. If other people (including the principal) think they know better then have at it.
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BarbBrooklyn has the only real answer of any value here, I think. “Painted yourself into a corner,” as she says, is precisely what you have done. It is often quoted on this site, “There will be no solution as long as YOU are the solution.”

It cannot be stated often enough that siblings are under ZERO obligation to do much, if anything. I do think, though, that those who exercise their right to remain at arm’s length should wisely refrain from offering suggestions and advice to the one who has actively, consciously chosen to become overly involved. And, indeed heartfelt thanks are due. But that is ALL that is “owed.” If you are sick and tired of fooling with this, for Heaven’s sake, put him in a facility -on his dime, or Medicaid’s.
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emccartt Nov 2023
Fact: Nothing is too much trouble for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
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Always expect nothing, then you'll never be disappointed.
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Thanks to everyone for your replies and answers. They've been informative and helpful.
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SnoopyLove Oct 2023
Glad to hear this, Daniel. I hope you’ll update us. We learn from each other on this forum, for sure.
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I never expected anything from my brothers. One lived 7 hrs away. The other 30 min and going thru a divorce. They both showed their true colors before Mom's Dementia. My Dad said to me I was the only one who acknowledged my Moms birthday and Mothers Day. Christmas was left up to the SILs. One, the gifts never arrived by Christmas. My Dad was up set with the boys but never said anything. Mom received no calls on a regular basis. I was the oldest, a girl, lived in the same town and had POA so left with caring for Mom. But, I knew when it became too much and I chose to place her. She did very well. You are entitled to ur life.

To CaregiverGer, Having POA does not mean you do the physical caring. Does not mean your at the persons beck and call. Its a tool to help them when they are no longer competent to make informed decisions. Gives you the ability to pay their bills and handle financials. Gives you the ability to place them in Care. The Ability to sell their home so they have money towards their care. Medical POA allows u to talk to Drs and Nurses. To make sure the principles wishes are carried out.
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Sorry to say it really doesn’t matter what “normal” is or how much you expect. Your family has long shown you that they aren’t going to be involved in caregiving. Give yourself the gift of acceptance and make peace with their choices. Being angry or resentful over it only harms you. You know this situation is too much for you to continue to handle on your own, and that’s okay, now it’s time to decide what the best extra help looks like for your relative. Start looking into your options and deciding on the best path forward. The answer definitely does not lie with continuing to shoulder the job alone
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