My mom is in her 70s and lives alone - my dad is dead. She lives about an hour away from me - but can't move closer because I am in the city and if she sold her place she wouldn't be able to afford something near me. She has no friends and is emotionally reliant on me. She has also suffered from depression for decades and now is becoming physically unwell although doctors don't seem to be able to find a cause. I feel guilty I'm not doing enough. I feel like what she really wants is for my husband and I to buy her a place in the city which would mean putting our own goals on hold. Obviously I have a lot of guilt about my mom - feeling like I'm responsible for her happiness even though I know I am not. I also feel like she thinks moving will make her happy - but I know nothing will make her happy - she's unhappy and has been for a long time. I guess my question is how much should I do as a daughter for her (my responsibilities to an elderly unwell parent). What is enough in terms of week to week or monthly care? I don't want to be a bad daughter. I do love her but mostly I just feel guilty about her.
What are you guilty for, exactly? Are you a felon who has done malice aforethought to your Mom? Have you forbidden her to have friends, hobbies, a a life? Did you cause her depression disorder? Are you preventing her from seeking help?
You says you believe she wants................etc. How do you know what she wants? Have you sat with her and said "Mom, are you content with your life? What changes might make you happier?" And what care at the relatively young age of 70, with no diagnosis of infirmity, do you feel your mother needs?
When you speak to yourself, in your own head, of all this, I would like you to start to replace the work "guilt" with "grief." Guilt infers that this is your faultT and. and there is something you should/could do to make your Mom happy. But Grief knows that your parent's happiness or contentment is not in your control, and that there is nothing you can do about it. Grief allows you to mourn. And to ask yourself what here is in your control, and what is not.
Your Mom is responsible to make herself a life in which she doesn't burden her child. I am 78. I do all I can to stay independent and make a quality life, to keep myself off my daughers' plates.
There is a lot that has to change in your basic thinking or you will end sacrificing your own life to an unhappy woman without being of any help at all to her.
So many things can be considered as your Mom ages; I assume there are rentals or ALF or independent living places in your area. But that is for the future. For now, oh to be 70 again! Ha! My knees worked so much better in the garden!
And for now she may need to seek help for her depression; but that is up to her, really. You can only suggest it.
You are not responsible for your mother. The eagle has his eaglets and carries then to safety from the floods. In his old age the eagle young DO NOT return to save HIM; the young are grown now with eaglets of their own to save; that is the cycle.
You say "she is unhappy and has been for a long time". That pretty much says it all. Unhappiness is her choice for herself. I am so sorry, but in many ways, our choices are our own, and you are facing one now.
I guess I am the specialist in tough love here, because so many others put things so much more kindly than I do. But YOU are my interest here, as my own daughters are in my own case. YOU are the one I would like to see make good choices for your own happiness. YOU are the one who wrote here, seeking help. Were it your Mom I would tell her the same tough things. That it is her choice to get help now, to make her life, to not become a burden to others in so far as she is able, to seek professional help, to make a life instead of attaching like mistletoe to oak, and sucking the life out of the young tree.
I wish you so much luck. I wish you a whole and strong life. I am not saying you will not feel grief at the choices of others, of your parents, your children, your grandchildren, of society as a whole. Grief is a part of life. But some grief can be prevented or helped. It has to be our choice whether or not to do so. And save the guilt for the felons who should feel it.
As my husband's caregiver, I periodically get depressed over the changes in him and subsequently, my life - and our lives together. My Aha! moment came when I realized that I was actually grieving for the losses that chronic illness and dementia can create. Recognizing that has made it easier to feel what I'm feeling and then keep going. Thanks for reminding me of that.
You seem to understand Mom very well. She will not be happy anywhere she goes. You need to sit down and look her in the eye and tell her she needs to do for herself. By you doing for her you just disable her. If she has the money, suggest an AL. In my state Medicaid will pay for an AL after at least paying privately for 2 yrs. DO NOT jeopardize your future. By moving her closer, her demands will become greater. She needs to find resources close to her. Set boundries now. What you can and can't do for her. Call her County Office of Aging to see what resources they provide. If she still drives then she can still grocery shop, run errands and go to appts. The more she does for herself the better. She is part of your life, not your life.
My mom is 84 and dad just passed last June. Sister and I are now encouraging mom ( in independent living in a senior community) to make some new friends and decide on how she wants to spend her days. She has a part time evening sitter and sister and I see her each week. Mom has no interests or hobbies whatsoever! She wants to be entertained everyday. Sister and I backed off a little and now mom made two new friends and there is a neighbor get together outside everyday at 5! She is trying to figure out how her days should go. I highly recommend a senior facility that has enticing activities or at least people the same age nearby. Mom has taken an interest in phoning to check in on old friends. I managed to find an old schoolmate on facebook! That has brought her great joy.
Like there is such a thing as right! 😄 But anyway...
- is enough to maintain her in her habitual routines and lifestyle, her own preferred idea of "normal," but not so much that you unintentionally disable her and prevent her from pursuing better options and achieving a better quality of life.
When did your father die, if you don't mind my asking? And what were the circumstances (illness, injury, sudden shock or long drawn out decline, e.g.)?
There are meds for depression. There are telehealth visits nowadays if she can’t get to a doctor appointment.
I don’t think she should move near you if she can’t afford it. Nor you move closer to her.
Can she afford to hire help? Is she close to 80? Or early 70’s?
What about assisted living or even independent living if she is well enough for that?
Do yourself a favor and place mom in assisted living. Your mom could have many years ahead of her. You’re not being selfish. Your husband and family need you and you deserve to have a life. Parents can be very demanding, especially with those who do the most.
Although I’ve been doing for my mom since she was in her 70’s I can’t imagine having had to take away from my family. Luckily mom was independent until about 2 years ago. Even now at 94 my mom says she’s knows she needed the additional personal care and companionship. We placed mom in a residential care community with only 5 others. It’s homey and not institutional (moms word).
Good luck.
You write very well, with clarity about your Mom's situation. That her depression & illness is becoming too much for her. It sounds like she is waiting to be rescued.
But just as you have already identified, moving closer to you, having a home provided will not fix those issues.
Does Mom have a Geriatrician or Psychologist? If not, I would gently suggest encouraging her to discuss these issues with her Doctor & obtain referrals. Mom is entering a new phase of life & counselling support can be very useful.
Basically, if Mom is only just independent now, it is time to plan for when she is semi-dependant & dependant. Sounds like Assisted Living would be a good fit. Within an easy drive of you, but further from the city may suit the budget better.