What do you do about an elderly mother who refuses to go to assisted living?

There's a difference between what you want to accomplish and what you can accomplish. It is showing love to do what we can. But we may have other obligations that prevent us from doing what our family member with dementia would like for us to do. You have a job, family, perhaps a home and local friends. Its much harder for you to move than for her to do so. So, explore ways you can help without moving.

Be appreciative of your sister's visits. That's four hours a week you don't have to worry about your mom. Finding someone to come in and do housekeeping is doable. It will take coordination and exploration but it can be done. Also, social security will sometimes provide personal care several times per week such as bathing, doctor's visits and other support. That's a few more hours per week you can get relief from worry. It's not all that expensive to hire someone to go in and doing some housekeeping for your mom. Its a lot less expensive than you traveling all that distance and you will be in charge since you'll be paying their wages.

The dynamics you're experiencing with your mom are probably the same ones that have been there all along. They just get exaggerated. Dementia may make her more demanding and less cooperative. Hold your ground; you're not wrong. She's not "the mother" in the same sense as when she was before dementia took over. You are entering the role of "parent" to your mom. Treat her as you would want to be treated but also be reasonable.

Throw away the guilt. Whatever mistakes you made in the past should stay in the past. Don't let those mistakes decide for you how to treat your mom now. Guilt is a lonely partner and a very unreliable "friend." Stay in the present in your interactions with your mom. If she gets too difficult, kindly say you'll call back when she's feeling better or when you're free to talk more at length. She may get mad, temporarily, but that's no reason for you to be bullied into things you know you can't do or you know aren't the best decision for her, your family, etc.

One last thing. Please don't let this situation be a catalyst for resentment between you and your sister. Even if you don't see it that way, treat her efforts as the best she can do right now. All the resentment, fear, worry and guilt you feel are probably also in her heart. Your mom wants what she used to have before dementia and probably what she had before she aged. She can't have that right now. If she has a hope (hope for future life such as is promised in the Bible) she may regain what she once had but for now, you and your sister are dealing with the reality of what is, not what your mom wishes could be. Stay practical and deal with the realities of the situation; don't be guilt-tripped into doing what someone who isn't facing all the facts of the situation wishes could be.

Give yourself kudos for caring. You've made the offer to let her go live with you and she has turned you down. Don't call her daily. Send cards, order her favorite food be delivered once a week, write her letters she can read again and again. Look up recipes she gave you long ago and make copies giving her written accounts of ways you've used them over the years. Send her thank you cards for her being your mom (some people actually do that other than on Mother's Day only). Buy her some new slippers or a pretty nightie and send them. These are all ways that you can show her love and not have to deal without that lump in the throat every day. Conversations that upset you every single day are not helping anyone. There are ways to let her know you love her without tearing yourself apart. Sure, call her but not every single day. Show her love in ways that help her and give you peace of mind.

I hope some of these suggestions help. Do all you can but be reasonable.
Speaking from experience twice over.

Your mom is expecting you to give up your life so that she doesn't experience any change. The elderly get a little selfish sometimes. You shouldn't feel guilty...you have given her options that she has chosen not to take. Your sibling does not want to be a caregiver and that is their choice. Everyone has a choice...including you. If your moms situation becomes unsafe, and she continues to refuse assistance, you could report her to adult protective services. Outside of that, just call her frequently and ask your sibling for a report on things since they lay eyes on her every week.

You are not abandoning your mother. However, it does look like you are on a slippery slope with yourself - ie self-care.
I almost relocated to live with my LO when they wouldn't move closer. This was after having a paid "companion" sit with them a couple of times a week for 6 months. Thankfully, when it became very clear that I was seriously prepping to move in, they changed their mind about moving closer.
Self-care is important and quite easy to put off, or ignore all together. I did it and had to regroup too many times. Thank goodness I spoke up to friends and family who were around and wanting to help me.
It is not mandatory for you to take care of everything. Speak up for what help you need from your sibs. If they can, or will, they will help. It is not your responsibility if they don't. She is their mother too. Seek out caregiver support groups in your area. It can be beneficial to be among others going thru similar situations and talk freely on a consistent basis.
Good luck. You care and that is commendable.

Do what you can from where you live - daily phone calls, visit when you can, arrange for volunteers to visit (meals on wheels, local faith community members, other family members...), arrange for housecleaning, lawn services, or grocery delivery. Remind her that when a person needs help, that person needs to move to where the helper is and not the other way around. If she is has cognitive issues, talk with your sibling about getting mom to a lawyer to draw up paperwork for Powers of Attorney for medical and financial issues. You or sibling will need to invoke the POA when your mother is not longer mentally competent.

hampton94: This, too, was my late mother. My mother was adamant about staying in her own home, which presented a real dilemma for me. She was legally blind, had congestive heart failure, A-fib, arthritis and incontinence x 2. I had tried to remedy her aged living situation with zero success since she remained stubborn. When her blood pressure abruptly plummeted, I had to leave my home, my family and my state to move in with her. I was already an elder myself. I do NOT advocate this. Other than dragging my mother out of her home kicking and screaming (NOT, of course), this was a last ditch effort.

You have not abandoned your mother. Her expectations are unrealistic. You cannot just up and leave and uproot your family to move 3,000 miles because she wants you to. It would be easier if she moved to you if she really wants you to take care of her (however, I suggest that you don't go that route either, unless you want another person dependent upon you.)

I totally understand the lack of trust of having someone in your home. I even give my sister grief about it. She wouldn't steal anything, but she puts everything in the dishwasher, even things that are not supposed to go into the dishwasher and she doesn't put things back where she got them from. So, yes, I understand.

However, you do not have to be the recipient of her guilt trips or a participant of her pity party. She is choosing not to get extra help and thinks uprooting you and your family is the solution to her troubles (it isn't).

What are the other realistic alternatives? Maybe all she really wants to do is complain because it is easier to complain than it is to suffer the consequences of a decision. Maybe she does what she does to you because she'll get the response that she likes from you. Sucks, eh?

How do you want to be treated? How would your like conversations with your Mom to go? Try and steer the conversation in that direction.

If she continues to complain, I suggest you try and find a therapist who can help you with dealing with her complaints.

Good luck. This is the time you need to be strong....don't feel hopeless as you give your strength and wisdom away to others when you do that. Your family, not your Mom, needs your strength and wisdom.

My mother who has moderate dementia with awful sundowning symptoms was in a senior memory care facility after hip fracture surgery and Rehab. I brought her back home because the room flooring was thin carpet directly on cement and she was always asking to go home. She wanted to stay in her room and therfore received very little supervision. (I had a camera to monitor the her in the room) She would pack her stuff to go home and asked for a chair at her open door waiting for me to collect her. She was upset being there.
I had her entire house carpeted with the thickest padding. I had grab bars installed throughout. I feel much better with her at home as her safety is better. Quality of life now.

You can explain to your mother that you love her and will be there for her as much as possible, but moving there is not the right answer for you and you family right now.

She sounds like at this time she could maybe just use some help around the house. Perhaps you or your sibling could find someone she trusts nearby ...like a neighbor or friend to help with the yard or housework. She could pay them and it would be a win win. If she needs personal care than check out what services are available and help her find one trustworthy. Unfortunately your mother is absolutely right NOT to trust them. There have been many problems with theft and abuse by those visiting ...so be careful and protect your mom best you can.

Do NOT try to get her to go into a nursing home ...unless you want your mother to have an early death! The abuse and neglect in these homes is off the chart and many people when they go in there just wait to die! Do NOT do it! They killed my sister during the lock down with severe neglect. No food or water for days!!! Please keep her out of these places.

it is normal for you to have guilt, others have guilt even if the relative lives around the corner. my brother is 73 and no in best of health - lives in his home and refuses to ever leave unless he dies!!!!!! he has had nurses and help but then he just does what he wants, has diabetes and eats what he wants. other than hitting over the head and dragging him to a home or whatever, he won't listen.

this has been over a year now - my suggestion is you have done what you can you are not going to move and take your kids away from everything they know. your mother is being stubborn and unreasonable and selfish BUT that's the way they get. I took care of my dad and he was a handful, now it's my brother. i say let her stay where she is, get her as much help you can visit when you can and that's that! you love her and aren't abandoning her but you have to love yourself first. God Bless

Unfortunately..very much so. Your Mom is like my Mom. So we wait. As my Mom's Doc tells me.. "wait until you can intervene--next steps." You, like me, have to put her out of (the guilt that creeps in) your mind as much as you can. We have to work to compartmentalize, as men do ;-) I see my Mom twice a month and call every day. I am sick of the calls.. I might start to tell her.. I only have 2 mins on some days.. Make sure she has some easy foods in the fridge and release mentally. Can your Mom microwave or not? I help my Mom shop when I am there. Same routine round the store, as she screams at me. Make sure she has cottage cheese, greek yogurts..cheese..a few prepared meals to heat up.. soup & even taquitos that can be microwaved..fresh cut up fruit, bread.. her fave (horrible for her) snacks.. Not the best nutrition, but she refuses help right now. So, all good. Noshing most days on popcorn, ice cream and Diet Coke. Her choice.

It’s your mums choice to live on her own. Time to stop feeling guilty.

The simple and ultimately loving answer is “Sorry mom. Wish I could help in the way you’d like but I can’t. Perhaps you could come here more often.” On this forum I hear elaborate, detailed and negative descriptions of moms, always with offsprings’ protestations of guilt. Guilt can be bad feelings over good intentions we never had. Saying no, lovingly and immediately, acknowledges that what mom wants isn’t possible but can/should be offered without rancor that she expressed her wishes.

Its hard when some parents dont understand that these days, life is different for all. They have to respect and know that their childrens have their own life to live and work. Its not easy now days because there are so much rules and regulations of elderly abuse. Growing up most of us didnt have child abuse laws but, now so many elderly laws and now if they dont want to do then we cant push it on to them to do. I say, too bad and parents should have respect for their kids decision and know that it is safer for them too. I had to watch my inlaws and had to just do it. I am on dialysis and my sister inlaw is a Public Health nurse, you figure she would know that its hard for someone being on dialysis to be caregive for two parents one alzheimers and one diemensia. My husband her brother tried to explain it to her and thought hey you should know being a nurse. She didnt care as long as they were at home like they wanted and some free to care for them. They didnt have respect for me or their son, brother. Well, I put my foot down and told her this is your parents do something or I will call in the Health Department and let them know. Well, took her a while but, now her mom lives with her and has her mom's sister watching her during the day. Things are much happier for me now..

This is a good time for first getting "out of your heart" and "go into your head."

1. Does your mom still have legal rights to make her own decisions?
YES- And Mom still makes good decisions in other areas of her life?
--- Then tell Mom, " I am not available to help you further physically and / or financially. . You need to make other plans. "

And you inform her doctor of your boundaries and that you aren't available further because cost is too high to your family, your career, your own financial stability. It will be one- way communication; her doctor has to protect her privacy.

---- NO - Mom is making goofy decisions? Such as: overfilling bathtub to create a flood, starting small fires, wandering and getting lost, putting odd things in fridge, putting day clothes on over pajamas? Short term memory getting really poor, much worse cognitive ability after sun goes down? These are examples of onset of dementia.

Doctor needs to know. If this is the case, doctor and you can petition court to appoint a guardian for her.

You can then go as a witness - do not volunteer to be even temporarily appointed as Guardian. If you are out, you are out. Any give means you could be pressured to serve longer. If you are in your "red zone" - you can show if necessary that you are not available.

1. impacting your health - you probably have health records if it comes to that (and shouldn't because the Hearing isn't about your health, only your Mom's. If ask to be appointed, then court would want to verify your stability). This includes you have disabilities which make it impractical to do what is needed ( can't lift 50 pounds, issues with walking, standing, stooping, bending, twisting, turning, sleep or anxiety disorders, bipolar, clinically depressed, have PTSD, etc.

This also includes if you are a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional or mental abuse or trauma by parent in question- or this parent enabled the abuser, and you have unresolved severe anger issues blaming this parent

2 risk of losing career or job and you or family need the income

3. are you under contract or assignment and can't do both - on a grant for research?
- a licensed professional who isn't available ( surgeons/ doctors, first responders (police, fire, EMTs), lawyers, accountants, forensic investigators, architects/ engineers, union workers, entertainment industry professionals ( behind the camera and talent), overseas contractors, active military

4. risk of financial wipe out of financial assets

5. risk of losing your business- would cause others to lose their jobs

6. impact on your family - spouse / partner with disabilities or special needs kids at home?

7. Other care commitments elsewhere

8. You live out of state/ province or country

9. If you run any charity almost single-handedly, this can be included

10. Family pets might need rehoming if you are traveling back and forth and not around to give them proper attention. Many pets also are emotional support animals. If yours qualify, get a letter of acknowledgement from your doctor. Many pet owners ( or pets who "own" their pet parents) consider the pets as their four-footed kids. In law, pets are a property. Law has not caught up to present day thinking.

About 14 states have elder abandonment laws.

MY STORY:

I ended up court ordered in a state and country where I didn't live to care for my elderly estranged parent who killed my mom. My mom and I were very close. I am a childhood sexual and physical, emotional, mental abuse survivor of that man.

No lawyers I talked to told me to go to court and appeal that ruling! I was stuck 3-1/2 years with his BS. Daily abuse and his threats by phone. His mind was still very razor sharp at 93. He was a pedophile, sociopath, narcissist, charming or chilling depending on his need. He was former KKK.

I lost my company. Furloughed contractors. Wiped out financially.
PTSD reactivated.

DO NOT GET STUCK! Let Mom or others figure it out. Not you

In reference to POA. If Mom has not assigned one she should and it should be your sister with u as secondary. You should not have POA because u live too far. And with Moms health problems, it should be immediate, meaning its in effect as soon as she signs it. This does not mean that sister has to take over right away but you won't need that needing one or two doctors to make the POA effective. Sister will just have the ability to take over when needed. If Mom resists, explain its a tool. If no one can make decisions for her when she is not competent to do so (this could mean she is in a coma) someone she doesn't know will be making decisions concerning her life.

Guilt is self-imposed. My husband had no guilt when it came to his Mom who chose to move 900mls away from friends and family. A 2 day trip by car so not one we took often. After my FIL passed, she chose to stay there but started the "you need to move down here". When my DH worked, it was "there r jobs down here". When he retired, it was "there is a house for sale". She got me on the phone one day talking about the house behind her up for sale. My husband had never told her "no its not happening". So I did. "No E we are not moving to Florida. I have my Mom, girls and grandson so I am not moving. She said Mom could come with me. I said No, she has her Church and friends and I am not asking her now she is in her 80s to uproot herself. You know what she said "We all have to compromise" I thought, Yeah E, everyone but you. We all change our lives because you want something. I think that is the last time she said anything to DH about moving.

I think the elderly forget what its like to have a job and raise children. The time that goes into working a f/t job and getting the kids to their xtra curricular activities. It is not realistic to think your going to uproot yourself to move 3000 miles. Her moving near you is unrealistic too especially when ur sister does seem to be there for her. Maybe not what Mom wants but she is there. Never consider moving Mom to you.

I would wonder why its so important for you to move to her. Where you the child she could manipulate? The one she could make feel guilty. If so, you definitely do not want to move there. You will become her 24/7 caregiver. She will have you doing everything for her. Stay where ur. Its not want she wants but what she needs. And something will happen where her need will be an AL it LTC.

Love "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". This is so true. She needs to realize this. You need to be firm and say "One more time Mom, NO I am not moving 3000 mls. You have the money to hire the people you need to help you. I am not being your Caregiver, I am not giving uo a job I need to support myself to be your Caregiver. You either hire aides or you go into an AL. We will not talk about this anymore because its not going to happen. If we can't have a conversation without you bringing this up, then I won't be calling as often and I will hang up as soon as you get started."

You have just what you said- a guilt trip. You have done nothing wrong. When you get old you move to where your kids are not the other way around. Your kids have jobs, their kids have school. That’s just how it is. Seems like she is being very stubborn and needs tough love. Can’t the sibling who lives near intercede for you? Or at least help more? My dad was very stubborn like that and I’d often have to throw up my hands. He only lives 50 mi from me but I had to take care of my husband who had a terminal illness. Finally less than a year after my husband died I begged my dad to just come stay with me for a few days (I wanted to assess how he was and even just get him to see a doctor) he refused. I finally just said a prayer “Lord I turn him over to you”. 3 weeks later he fell down his stairs and laid at the bottom for about 3 days before his neighbors found him. He spent several weeks in the hospital and was diagnosed with vascular dementia. After that he realized he had to come with me, which he did until he died. You might have to just let her go until something happens like I had to.

How about moving mom to a facility near you or move her and hire in-home care where you can check on her and maybe put up baby cams? Who has POA?

My mom refuses to be placed in a nursing home or assisted living and it's dragging us down!

Her demands are ridiculous and my brother and I deserve to have our own lives away from her

I think your mum is trying to guilt trip you. Mine did the same. Some elderly people can be very selfish and only think about themselves and feel they are owed everybody's attention and care. They like to be a victim and won't do anything to help themselves. Again this was my mum. My advice is live your life and don't give in to her demands. She has lived most of her life and you deserve to live yours. If she won't help herself then she'll just have to get on the best she can. Sorry if that sounds heartless but I've been there and some people just love being miserable and love people feeling sorry for them. Goodness knows why. My mum dragged me down so much i needed counselling, please don't let that happen to you. Good luck.

What do you do? Live your own life. Raise your kids.

Mom gets to live her own life too. Some people enjoy sharing their misery and discomfort. If she is basically OK, no out of control health issues, adequate food and sanitation, then she can complain all she wants and you can chose to listen or not. I vote for your calls being about her grandchildren, short and sweet.

Listen to your sibling. Support the one who is closest and most involved. They need and deserve it. When they decide Mom must move, then you can take a trip and help. Otherwise, nothing to feel guilty about.

First of all, you and your children are not going to pack up your lives and relocate 3,000 miles away to become servants to your fussy mother.
Make sure she knows this.
Now, I want you to show your mother this post. I have worked as a caregiver (mostly to elderly) for 25 years. Homecare and assisted living.
I would tell her what I have told so many, many other elderly people who were being stubborn and refusing all help if it wasn't going to be done by family members of their choosing.

"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".

No truer words have ever been said or written.

So it's either accept the help that you arrange for her or she's on her own. It won't be long until the state places her.
Don't you play her games and fall for the guilt-tripping and manipulation.
You have not "abandoned" your mother. You are willing to get homecare set up for her. You are willing to manage all of it to help her.
Many of elderly "loved ones" aka senior brats think that unless their families are willing to jump through hoops, cater to their every whim, and give up their lives to live in miserable servitude to them then they're abandoning them.
Pleasr for your own sake and your childrens' don't get guilted into this. Stop calling her every day.
When you do call her refuse to discuss anything that is not related to setting her up with either homecare services or her moving into a senior community.
A crisis will happen. Then your mother will no longer be making her own choices between homecare and AL. The state will and she will get placed in a nursing home.
Show her this post. If she values her independence, she'll knock it off with the being stubborn nonsense.

Guilt is manipulation, would you ever pull your kids from their life at any age to come tend to your needs? I’m guessing No.

My mother long before she was a senior has always guilted us kids to whatever she wanted. Now that she’s an elderly woman we are exhausted.

Set the example of what’s acceptable for your kids, don’t kill yourself helping folks that are being selfish. Politely guide them in the right direction so it doesn’t become generational.

Don’t fall for this act. Your mother is being selfish and extremely manipulative. Something will happen to bring the situation to a crisis point. Your sibling probably knows she’s trying to play both of you to provide care she can afford to pay for, but your sibling isn’t buying into it as you are. It can hardly be said that you are abandoning your mother just because you have a life of your own.

Your mother may need to begin to accept some outside help. Assisted Living is not a given. The %-age of older people living in AL's is actually very small. Moving into an AL is often done to relieve family of feeling responsible for an elder's care. You and your sibling might be able to act as overseerers as your mother looks for in-home help she can stand.

It sounds like you and your sister have a lot of love and are caring children! It’s unfortunate that your mom, at a young age (77) is no longer able to drive. I remember dreading that my mom would have to stop driving because of the loss of independence that often leads to, but she was 88. On a positive note, at least your mom knows her limitations; many people struggle with getting the keys away from their aging parent!

As I read your post, I wonder, is the social withdrawal typical for her? What was she like when she was younger? Some people are introverts, and they aren’t going to change into more outgoing individuals as seniors. Perhaps her inability to get involved with others is related to anxiety or she may be experiencing grief from entering a phase of life during which she is losing her independence. Just a couple thoughts!!

One idea might be to invite her to your home regularly for a nice long visit. When I was a kid, my grandmother would come to visit for a chunk of time (3 or 4 weeks). I loved that and cherish memories of those visits. Maybe once or twice a year, your mom could do something like that. It doesn’t solve your problem, but it gives Mom something to look forward to.

Another thought I had was what I did when my mom needed help cleaning. I had a friend who did housecleaning on the side. My mom “did her a favor” by hiring her a couple of times per month. I was with mom while she met with my friend and during the first time she came by to clean. My presence at those initial times made a big difference. She NEVER would have followed through without me there at first. My friend even brought along her sweet young son to do his homework while she cleaned. He definitely was more interested in chatting with my mom than homework which of course Mom loved!!

My cousin, who is much more assertive than I am, told her mother that she had to do ONE activity a week. She somehow got her into a bowling league, and that was her only “thing.” Her mother ended up absolutely loving that.

Baby steps are usually best for elders during times of transition. I’m glad you have a sister to collaborate with! Perhaps you two can think like teenagers again and figure out ways to gang up Mom to get away with what you want.

Best wishes! Let us know how things work out!!

Hampton, you've told your mom what you ARE willing to do (have her relocate close to you so that you can provide for her care under your watchful eye).

She has chosen not to cooperate.

SHE'S the one who needs care and thus needs to be the one willing to be flexible.

You have no reason to feel guilty.

The lump in your chest is "waiting for the crisis". Talk to ANYONE who has had an elder in their life and they will understand what you mean.

My father with moderate ALZ lives alone 3000 miles away from me. His girlfriend is there 3-4 days a week for now and he has friends that check on him. My sibling lives nearby and they don’t have much of a relationship but he’s there if there is an emergency. He also has an in law apartment attached to his house and I’m working with a friend of his who may be able to stay there while he is between housing. I told him he can stay for free if he just keeps an eye on my dad. Totally worth it to just know someone is there. I know that I simply can not live with him full time. I would become his 24/7 caregiver as when I am around he pretty much doesn’t want anyone else. He can be very difficult and aggressive, even before his DX. I love him dearly, but I know my limits. Most likely when/if the time comes for memory care it will be triggered by an event and if he lives alone they will not send him home and that will be my chance to get him placed. I am researching MC facilities and getting him on a couple of waiting lists and I have wrangled most of his finances away from him (I have POA) without him even knowing I’ve done it. Out of sight, out of mind with the bills for him. All you can do is be as pro-active as possible and try to maintain your life.

I was in your sister's shoes with an elderly aunt a few years ago. Her grandchildren and son did very little to help her. I stepped up and the wants and needs grew daily. Soon I was running my butt off daily doing her shopping, managing her meds, taking her to the doctor, out to eat etc.

Most of it, I did not mind, but I CLEARLY drew the boundary line that I would be HOME with my spouse in the evenings and at night. I worked on her for over 2 years trying to convince her to move to assisted living. Finally her health got so bad that even she realized she could not stay alone.

As many have stated here, the health issues and falling injuries make the decisions for them. DO NOT uproot your family. DO NOT!

If she is of enough sound mind, I would not agree to anything until she signed POA, agreed to guardianship, or whatever. It would be even better to turn the business part over to someone else so you and she can enjoy a personal relationship.

If your mother is of sound mind, she is entitled to make her own decisions about her life. And you also are entitled to your life and to give priority to your family. While she is still able to sign legal documents, make sure all of her paperwork is in order (your sibling may be in a better position to see to this). She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. This is something all responsible adults should do. Have a discussion with her about what she wants if she is no longer capable of caring for herself, which can happen to anyone as they age, or even if they get in an accident and break a bone, for example. The two basic options are in-home caregivers or an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. The advantage of a facility is skilled staff, people her own age, and abilty-appropriate activities, and they take care of every need: meals, housekeeping, laundry, etc. If she does move to a facility, she shouldn't take valuables with her or have any financial documents. Someone else should take over her finances and have the statements and bills sent to their address. Much will depend on her finances. You live far away from her and have a family. You'll have to tell her that with your family, you cannot move or take responsibility for her daily care. And clearly your sibling also cannot do this. Don't let her put a guilt trip on you about not being her daily caregiver. She is an adult and must plan for her own aging and the possibility of being incapable of caring for herself at some point. A local social worker in her area may be able to advise on her options. Your siblings are in a better position to speak with the local social worker than you are. If she is no longer capable of caring for herself and her home, and is not of sound mind, one of the siblings may have to apply for guardianship, and will make the decisions for her. Since you visit so rarely, try to make your visits quality time where you spend loving time with her and you both enjoy yourselves. If she moves to a facility, it would be best if she moves to one close to her POA for medical matters, so that they can visit often and oversee her care. All the best to you all!