My 80+ year old Mom is currently living independently in a 55+ apartment where her recent rent increase puts her monthly rent more than her sole income source, social security. Additionally, she insists she needs a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment which I feel is too much for her living there alone. She has some cash to get her through the next several months but my fear is that when the lease ends, she can no longer afford living there. I thought about this earlier this year when I was concerned about her financial situation and started looking around for more affordable housing, however, most places have 12 - 24 month waiting lists. She wasn't a bit interested so I have pulled back from trying to help. At one point, she told me "I am 81 years old, not five and I don't need my children telling me what to do".
I have read so many responses in this forum on taking an aging parent into your home and it seems the word has been, "Don't do it!" as it results in problems in the parent/child relationship, but more importantly, the husband/wife relationship of those that have done it, not to mention emotional issues. My husband and I are both retired and don't have financial resources to support her, nor do I want the full responsibility of being a caregiver. I have two siblings but neither of them is in a position to have her live with them.
If we take her in, how would it affect her ability to get the necessary financial assistance to get nursing home care if/when she needs it? Would it affect other benefits she is receiving today like the SNAP food program and other gas/electricity aid she is receiving? Would we become financially responsible in any way?
Sorry, so many questions but this has been burdening me since the beginning of this year.
Thank you in advance to anyone who can provide insight, guidance or advice.
Two things I would consider. Are you in a state that mandates that parents without resources are the responsibility of their children should they become financially unable to support themselves? Google "States where I am responsible for my parent if they have no financial resources". I was surprised that a number of states require children to care for their parent(s) if they become unable to financially support themselves.
If you are already thinking about moving her to a new housing situation (not your home, I agree with everyone else), then look into senior communities now. By senior communities I mean communities that have memory care, assisted living, and independent living. If she can't afford her current apartment, and we all agree that she does not need a 2 bedroom, 2 bath (!!!), then look into communities where if she begins to show signs of dementia or has any other health issues, she will have the option to move within the community to a part of it that can assist with her needs as she ages.
I would assume that if you were to take her in to your house (DON"T DO IT), that a county official or social worker would look at your entire household budget to determine what subsidies she could continue to receive. But I have no experience in that aspect of elder care and/or subsidies.
One thing I have learned at this site is that people tell you what they have experienced. Listen. Guilt is a horrible thing. Do not let it run your life. Know what you can do and what you can not do. Do not feel guilty. Also you can try reaching out to firms like A Place for Mom. They are free, they give you an advisor who asks you (or your mom which would be better), what she needs and then helps her find it in a specific area. They do the research and tell you the cost and the wait time (waiting list for acceptance). It is easier than sitting in front of your computer and doing all the leg work yourself.
I wish you all the luck in the world and keep asking questions until you get the answer that feels right for you and your husband. What he thinks and feels is crucial.
You both are retired enjoying some additional time life . Moving mother into the house is a true strong responsibility. Believe it sounds crazy she raised you know you will be raising her. Every once needs . I found it ok for know husband will feel pushed to side . Unexpected attitudes will flare with all parties . You really need to pray on this . As long as she can be alone & independent that's great for know .
Best to call the Area For Aging Seniors that was a wonderful out source and assistance in getting Seniors into affordable housing .
All her ADL be best kept secret. If mother belongs with UPMC they by income housing for seniors .
Get her PCP involved I'd another resources. Converse with social workers of her insurance also .
Yet that is the Big Decision on moving parents into family house
We love them , your other siblings can assist with calling agencies including AARP .
Try not to be discouraged,
Positivity is hard and if you have to cry along the way do it .
Later on, if she needs to go to NH, her income would be considered for the NH care. If she doesn't have enough money to pay for monthly expense of NH, she would be applying for a Medicaid bed. Her income (less $60, I believe) would go toward NH monthly 'rent' and state Medicaid would pay the balance. What she would pay would have nothing to do with your/your husband's income. Her cash or bank accounts would be spent down to get her below the $2000 limit before Medicaid would kick in.
If you decide to move her in think about these things: Do you get along well with her? If not, the arguing and frustration will only get worse. You don't want to be responsible for all of her care. Can you toss all of her monthly income towards her care - would it be enough to cover what she needs - cleaning her area, washing clothes, helping with bath, etc. If her needs would exceed what she can afford to pay for and you can't financially help, then it may be time now to make the decision to move to NH. Could the other siblings help pay for things she needs...and would they...if she were in your home? That might help with decision too.
If she can't afford where she is now, she can't afford a bigger place. Even if she applies for bigger apt on her own, her financials are going to get her denied. When the rent goes up, she's not going to be able to live where she is either (unless siblings have finances and agree to pay the difference), so assuming she is of pretty sound mind she's going to realize she will have to move somewhere. You might want to start looking for cheaper places. Perhaps some that are based on income (check government housing in your area). If nothing near you or her other kids, it will come down to NH or your house.
The best you can do is to lay it right on the line that you will NOT take her in. If the result is either a little smile, or a refusal to talk about it, you know what‘s in the back of her mind. Repeat repeat, increasingly harshly: – ‘if you turn up on my doorstep, I will be taking you to a shelter until you work out what to do’.
If you think that you have got the message across, ask her what she intends to do when the money runs out. If she says that she doesn’t know, and looks upset that it is worrying her, ask if she would like you to research a couple of options for her to choose from. Only research things that deal with ‘needs’ – not 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, for heaven’s sake.
And in the meantime, put her on a couple of waiting lists immediately. If a place comes up, she isn’t obliged to take it, it’s just a good step to do before the situation becomes desperate. It would be sensible to start the Medicaid application, too.
You can hope for the best, but this really is a case of expect the worst.
Good for you taking care of your mother with Alzheimer's for those years.
I would ask you a question just out of my own interest.
Did you have a healthy relationship with your mother before the Alzheimer's? My guess is that you probably did.
People who had abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, bullying parents growing up like I did most of the time don't see why we should make such sacrifices. It's harder for us to accept it's "the disease" when they're lashing out and behaving abusively because it wasn't "the disease" for so many years before.
My mother will work herself up into panic and anxiety attacks to the point where she is hysterical to get attention. I ignore her. She will have homecare coming when I move in the spring. If that doesn't work out for her, she will placed.
You don't actually want her living with you. For sure your husband doesn't want her to come. Your mom from what you're saying doesn't want to live with you either. So her moving in with you needs to be kept off the table.
One of the reasons why my marriage broke up was because of my mother's abusive neediness. It is true that a person can use neediness as a form of abuse. Seniors do it all the time.
Your mother does not need a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment if she is living alone. She needs to understand that she cannot afford an apartment like that. So it's out of the question.
If she doesn't want you to find her another place, don't. Let her handle it.
Whatever you do don't get talked into moving her in even if it's temporary because it will turn into permanent.
Change is grief provoking and,bI hear your grief . She will also grieve the change needed and this may include anger. So be it....
Get support for yourself with your faith community clergy and also for her . Or other emotional , spiritual support if you do not practice a faith.
Peace