Mom will not get out of bed to exercise or go for a walk. She suffers from arthritis and her memory has been destroyed by high levels of morphine for many, many years. We have recently gotten her off of the morphine but the damage is done. She is still able to get around but uses her pain as an excuse to lay in bed all day and watch TV. When I try to get her up she yells, throws things and calls me a nag. It is a fact that if she gets up and moves she will hurt less. She only wants to eat bread, cereal, ice cream and diet Pepsi. I try not to have these things in the house and I prepare 3 meals a day for her. She usually eats only one to two of them. She will say she is not hungry but after the meal she will go looking for carbs and sugar. She becomes belligerent and angry when she doesn't get what she wants immediately. I talk to her about nutrition and exercise but she gets angry. She does not want to be told what to do, what to eat or what not to eat. I don't know how to talk to her. I don't know what to do.
You won't be able to reason with her. She's an addict. As for her diet, forget it. Exercise? Forget it. Getting her out of bed? Due to her behavior when you try it, forget it.
Your mom needs to be in a facility where professionals know how to deal with her. Now that she's in your home, you won't be able to get her out so easily. But that's what you have to do. You admit you have no clue how to care for her. There's no crash course that will lead to good results, either.
Put all your energy behind getting her out. This doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you want the best care for her, and you can't be it. This is beyond your expertise.
If she is not hungry, stop trying to force her to eat.
She is telling you what she wants and you are ignoring her wishes. I would also get angry in that situation.
Maybe its time to place Mom. She needs someone with her 24/7.
I do have some questions. Your Mom was on heavy doses of morphine for arthritis you tell us. Either she has a arthritis from HADES or she was in enormous pain. This leads me to need to know from you, how old is Mom, and exactly what kind of arthritis is she suffering from? Does she have rheumatoid or osteo. Has she had followup good care from a specialist, because dependent, she may now be dealing with an almost non-existent spine with serious pain and disability, and the absolute inability to move from her bed. What scans and followup is she receiving.
There is a tremendous difference in kinds of arthritis, psoriatic, osteo, rheumatoid. And if she was ever put on morphine either the doc is a real snake oil charlatan or your Mom had serious issues.
My concern now is whether she CAN MOVE and will NOT, or whether she CANNOT.
I am not much interested in the whole diet thing. Mom's life, whether from mental issues or from real horrific sheletal pain, sounds a crucible now, and to me diet isn't the issue other than how it affects the arthritis.
What pain meds is Mom on now, if any?
Does she see PT/OT/rehab medicine, attend pain clinics, and etc.
Is there an mental evaluation that has been done.
Just not clear to me if you are dealing with addictive personality with dependence or if you are dealing with a woman living a martyrdom of chronic pain. I would love to know the evaluation of good MDs on this, and hope you can fill me in more.
Ultimately there comes the question of how long you choose to do this care. Have you discuss THIS with Mom. Does she understand that if this is ongoing you cannot sacrifice your own life to it?
By the by, I have NEVER in a long career as an RN seen morphine given for arthritis of any kind, until spinal compression and nearing end of life and bedbound hospice care. This is a first in cases for me. Hope you can fill me in a bit.
Please don’t wait until things become even more difficult to manage. You already know that you are facing a difficult battle and that your mom is not going to cooperate with your wishes.
Of course, you have her best interests at heart and are doing the very best that you can, but your mother needs more care than you can provide.
I am quite sure that you are emotionally and physically exhausted by all of this. I realize how hard it is to care for your mom in your home. I did this too and I wish that I hadn’t pushed myself so hard.
I think you know that you are pushing yourself way past your limits.
When I toured facilities that I was interested in for my mom, I asked when was the best time for placement. They all said to me, “It’s easier to make the transition to a facility before any more emergencies occur.”
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Mom needs to be placed in a facility where she can’t try to manipulate a family member . People like this can not be taken care of by family ( which is what the doctor for my narcissist mother with dementia told me ).
I’m so sorry you took Mom into your home . Do you have POA ? Does Mom have any money to place her in Assisted Living or Memory care ? Medicaid will pay for Memory care in some states but not all . I’m not sure if your Mom would be able to get into skilled facility (SNF) on Medicaid . For SNF , she would have to be total care , like she doesn’t wash , dress , walk .
My nephew is stuck with my sister in his home because she has lived there for 10 years and doesn’t qualify for SNF and has no money for assisted living .
Again , so sorry you took Mom into your home . I hope you have POA and your Mom has money so you can get her out . If she ends up in the hospital , refuse to take her home. Tell them you can no longer take care of her and ask the social worker to help with placement. Good luck .
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck.
This needs to be in the hands of a GOOD specialist.
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