Mother in law is financially very comfortable, and would have to pay if she lived elsewhere. Much money spent on travel and lavish life with other family is paid for by her! Your advice is appreciated! We love her but are feeling used and my spouse and I are stressed! We gave up so much... But are shocked by her lavish spending!
Best to just drop hints about grocery bills and utilities. Ask Mom-in-law if she wants a portable fan for her bedroom as you and her son will need to not keep the house as cool due to the cost. Maybe she will chip in.
For groceries cut back on buying Mom's favorite snacks or drinks, and cut out some of your favorite things, too. Sorry, Mom, grocery prices have really gone up [which is true], and we had to cut out some things. Hopefully she will say "here, let me help".
If you have cable TV, and Mom likes to watch TV, cut back to the basic package. Sorry Mom, cable prices have gone up and we had to cut back.
It feels like Mom-in-law is taking you both for granted. And any time a parent moves into a house the adult/child dynamic takes over. She now once again "Mom" and you both are the teenagers.
I just get the impression from your post that you and your husband have been bottling this up, MIL has blithely assumed that everything's fine, and the whole thing is about to blow up under pressure?
Living with her son and DIL is a privilege and not a right. I understand how annoying it is that she throws her money at the other kids and won’t even pay for a pizza for you. Get your monthly expenses together and sit down with her. Not just you, either. Dear hubby has to be there as well. “This is what we need from you, Mom.” Figure out “about” how much for the extra person. You could go so far as asking her for a third of the household expenses, but that probably won’t work. Mention you need to start saving for your own retirement. If she refuses, well, then you may have to have another talk with her, this time about her own apartment.
I fully realize such rent discussions are often much easier said than accomplished. I tried to do something similar with my dad as part of implementing a Medicaid spend down plan for him (except the plan was to hold his rent in an account to be used later to enhance his stay during an anticipated Medicaid-assisted nursing home stay.) To shorten a long story, after a few months of implementing the rent plan, I refunded the entire amount to him due to sibling outrage. Those siblings (4 of 7) really liked the free 24-hour care my wife and I provided him in the separate rent-free house nextdoor to ours, but they didn't like my dad paying utilities for that house and thought I should at least help pay those since his care required that I stay with him all of the time. It's hard to understand the thinking of some family members. Good luck with yours.
Better check that out. I think she owes you quite a bit for what you've done and paid for.
When I calculated up the cost of the services I was rendering, that she was not
paying to be performed professionally, she was getting a bargain. You might
want to have checked out what rent in an assisted living facility would have cost her for the past 8 years. I would suggest coming to the table with the request for her to help you figure out how to deal with all these numbers since it is
quite overwhelming. Then you all can brainstorm some ideas. If you already have thought through some ideas and have information to offer, it will be easier to work through. You may want to just do information sharing and then
plan to talk about it later after everyone has had time to think about it. You may
want to do that more than once before an acceptable plan can be formulated.
You can try that, and then re-evaluate ever so often as needed. That will give room to accept a very small concession for a time, then go back to the table with "How is this working for you?" and "How is this working for me?", " What can we do to modify so it works better?" etc.
I think the key is "confess my weakness" and give opportunity for them to
"pray for me" and be the facilitator for my "healing".
Blessings on your adventure in peace.
But, if finances are truly an issue, if you don’t have your own retirement secure, then you absolutely should have the money discussion, but your HUSBAND must take the lead.
If he is a wimp with regard to his Mother you will have already lost the battle.
If he takes the lead, then MIL will come around, albeit grudgingly.
If there are siblings they should also be part of this conversation, but separately. If together, sides will be chosen immediately and the battle begins.
Honesty, as always , is the best policy. Real need trumps resentment or jealousy of her actions toward others.
And if any discussion you have with her or the reason you have it is based upon what she might or might not leave you, you have already started down a very slippery slope.
Big mess--family drama, brother almost lost his house.....in the end we worked it out, but the rift remained. Mother is alone now (21 years there, daddy passed 14 years ago) and pays for the cable only as her "part" of the bills. And complains mightily about it.
IMHO, mother should be paying around $500 a month for the services she receives at brother's family's hand. She doesn't drive, must be taken everywhere...she is always in need of something or someone to do for her. She's in poor health--at 88 she's could easily live another 10 years. They are all exhausted and wish they had never, ever moved the folks in.
As a family, we chipped in and paid for the renovation, so brother wouldn't lose his home. I've been a PT CG for mother until very recently when brother "fired" me, so I'm now off the hook. It's all on him now.
Mother has no CLUE as to how much things cost and doesn't realize if she had an ALF situation, she'd be out between $4-7,000 a month. She balks at the $75 cable bill!
I would never, ever, ever add on to my home to move in an aging parent. I would work 3 jobs before I would have one live with me. I've seen the demise of a once close family over MONEY.
BEFORE is the time to talk dollars and cents. Not after. It's a big elephant in the room. My mom lords it over her friends who are struggling, financially, as she can play with her money and shops constantly. Brother's family has suffered and struggled over the years--most years the rest of us sibs slip him several thousand dollars to make it over the next year---and that's not fair in the least.
It's not like brother will be made whole when mother dies. We stand to inherit less than $10K a piece.
In my case ..my father has given much more to other siblings while I have always been more independent and never wanted to take advantage. Now I am more resentful of all I have always done to help out and have learned it is backfiring in a big way. My brother moved back into parents home years ago ..totally rent free although yes occasionally helps out with a utility payment or stop at store..but not anything regular . All meals are provided , all monthly bills paid by Dad ..even a more expensive cable plan that Dad doesn't need at all. Now Dad has dementia ..has had it for years ..and somehow he is also convinced that my brother is the only one who ever helped him ..so deserves the full inheritance all to himself. I haven't lived at home in many years ..but when I did I contributed much more however this has been forgotten. Also ..I know if I wanted I could fight the will since his dementia had all ready started when he did the will but I feel that will only benefit the lawyers with small sized estate anyway.
If the family and friends aren’t on side, MIL will complain to them and they will back her up. That will make things much harder for you. If you can lay the groundwork of things getting more expensive and it’s becoming more difficult for you, then the frank conversation should be easier to hold in three or four month’s time. Don’t leave it too long, and good luck!
My first reaction was, sit her down, tell her she has to pay, lie to her if you have to. How unfair to you! Then I re-read your post.
I'm assuming that 8 years ago you could AFFORD the $80,000 you spent on the renovation. Since you didn't negotiate with her previously, you must have been financially able to afford it on your own. The fact that she was well off then and you DIDN'T ask her for help may have made the impression that you had no problem affording this.
You will benefit from the addition when you sell the house. She is saving (or spending) many thousands each year by living there "free".
DON'T count on recouping your costs when she passes away. You have no idea what is in the will and if she'll change it before she passes.
You didn't ask her to contribute to the household bills for 8 years either, so I assume that you could meet all your bills without hardship. Your incomes were/are sufficient to live there comfortably without having to alter your lifestyle or go in debt.
Your post is about how you've been taken for granted, MIL doesn't find the need to contribute to your home but spends her money frivolously on herself and other family members. You're feeling taken advantage of. I don't hear of any NEED for the money, just that you've been "left out", after you've donated a portion of your home space to her and paid the utilities and food.
Maybe she can see that ya'll are comfortable and decided she'll enjoy herself, since you're not starving, having the electric turned off or have asked her for anything.
So.....do you NEED the money? Or do you just want to "even up" the sides? Are the other family members much less financially stable than your family? Maybe that's why she wants to give them a treat that they otherwise couldn't afford.
You sound resentful that she has ignored you financially. If you truly need the money, then come right out with it. Beating around the bush won't get you anywhere. But don't be surprised if she isn't willing to give, since you've let her off the hook since she's been there. Not sure why you didn't at least have some verbal agreement in place before she even moved in.
If she won't contribute, then you have the option of having her continue living there and be ticked off and grow more and more resentful or you can tell her she has to move. Be prepared for a fight either way. It all depends on how important the money is to you.