My sweet wife now resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.
Her condition deteriorated last week. Saturday night was not good. Sunday morning was bad. She is unstable on her feet and has fallen several times. I believe she had a TIA Sunday morning. Can’t prove that just think it from what I observed and read up on. I concluded that I could not safely care for her. 11 years.
So Sunday I began the process by calling AL. Took her to the Doc on Monday. Got a TB test which was negative on Wednesday (takes 2 days) and moved her there right after the test was read. A hospice evaluation is scheduled for tomorrow. They took her in and had a nice room with a wonderful chair in which she went right to sleep. She sleeps most of the time now.
And Me? I’m satisfied. The decision was essentially made for me so I won’t be second guessing myself. And I took it as far as it could be took. I simply could not safely provide the care she now needs. I did not quit because I “couldn’t take anymore” or “didn’t have a life.” No. There was just not anymore I could do.
Strangely enough the tears stopped about mid day. I got thru the enrollment process in good shape.
Your next journey has begun with her sitting in her new chair and going to sleep. Something greater than you and I allowed this transition to go smoothly. God bless you both.
Safety first is always best.
Wishing you all Blessings.
I know all about having to second-guess myself. For some, there does come a time when there's nothing left for you to do but to do what you had to do.
Prayers for you.
You made a difficult decision, but you did know that when you put your head down on your pillow at night, you can rest assured that your wonderful wife is also sleeping and will be checked on and cared for through the night. You need the rest for yourself now, so that you can go visit her in the day time (and that doesn’t have to be daily, unless you want it that way).
You’re also wise to get a hospice evaluation set. Not all hospices are as bad as some people make them out to be. My experiences with hospice in my area (SC) has been marvelous. Both of my parents, a dear friend who had cancer, and now my aunt (with Alzheimers) have had good. loving hospice care. For that, I’m very grateful.
I pray you and your wife will enjoy some precious moments together as both of you adjust to your new living arrangements.
I'm sure it's even more difficult for you because this is your spouse. It certainly sounds like you've given this lots of thought and have consulted with your wife's physician, etc. and this is the best situation for your wife.
Now, you will be able to visit her and have some quality time together knowing that she is well cared for. Please enjoy those moments together and know that you have done your very best for your wife.
God Bless!
He’s been in this situation before. But he didn’t do what his doctors told him to (walk and use walker) and this is the upshot. If he falls, I cannot lift him up. When he last left for the hospital (third time this year) all he did was sit around with his head dropped to his collarbone. He only went out once a week. He started having his beer delivered. He drank a large six pack a day, though I’ve never seen him drunk and he’s had no trouble having no beer for the last month he’s been in hospital.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you. He’s nowhere near needing an AL facility, but his mom developed dementia in her early 80s and I’m not sure I would be able to provide the care he needs. I am grateful to you and the other answerers.
My dad was in the same facility for seven months before he passed away, so I'm lucky to be familiar with it and the staff. I was there every other day with my mom, so they know her. The director is working with me on a transition plan. I know I'm fortunate .
That doesn't make the decision any easier. I feel guilty and sad that I can't take care of her at home any more, but it would be selfish of me to keep her here just because of my feelings. She needs help that I can't give her. Like you, I've gone as far as I can go.
Your post is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.
My dad finally gave up on home caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's when she became incontinent. She died only 6 months later at a memory care facility.
NOW my dad is in the same situation as your wife. He had several small strokes , which he described as tingling sensations, then his mind started to wander some. He was in an Independent living home with his own apartment at that time, only a year ago he was there because he is legally blind and needed the three meals a day and the activities and people around him. Then about a year ago to the day he fell and became unresponsive. The care giver that helped him dress every morning found him on the floor next to his bed. He had left his emergency button in the bathroom.
THATS another concern. If an elder won't and can't keep up with their emergency device, then it's time for assisted living.
Anyway, he had already been under hospice care for his heart failure, so they found him a good nursing home. He has fallen three or four times since, hurting his ribs, knees, and shoulder, but his main problem now is the heart failure and delusions. He is not allowed to walk anywhere, but once in a while he tries it, because his mind is failing, and a fall results.
HE just turned 94, and all his friends and family are gone except for his children. Blind, nearly deaf, unable to walk, and delusional most of the time, it's not a situation I would ever want to be in.
ALSO home care givers have to take into consideration the isolation of a home bound senior. That creates deep depression. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their abilities fade away.
God Bless, You did what you needed. When Grandma had cancer, We did this too and believe me You..She got the Care she Needed and was Required, Thanks to the family we Are by Far.
If you have not done so already, the Alzheimer's Association has various support groups, including one for male spouses. I hope there is such a group near you. It is very supportive and it seems to me, learning of your journey would be helpful to others in the group. The group will also be quite beneficial as things change and your wife's condition declines.
I did the same with my mom...a different situation than for a spouse...and as wrenching and difficult as this was for me...two years in, I have no regrets. This website and the sharing from folks here helped me tremendously.
Hugs to you. You are a wonderful, committed partner to your wife.
Now, I am finding out for various reasons, she is better off. One thing to note though.
The quality of care she receives will be dependent on the family member taking part.
So hang in there and do what you can. Take active participation in her care and she will get the best care possible.
It IS confusing. Just like Old Sailor I saw the signs, decreased appetite, playing with the food, staggering, instability, faulty vision and excessive sleeping but it’s the time frame that escapes us. The docs and nurses and AL directors see it all the time and can judge how far along things have gone and therefore how much time is left. We just keep plugging along putting out that extra effort or making midcourse corrections not realizing we’ve pushed past the limit.
Not only that but until you watch the AL people work you don’t really understand how much better a job they can do. How much better your LO might be in their care. You might conclude that keeping your LO too long is actually for you not your LO. Well I’ve rambled enough.