My sweet wife now resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.
Her condition deteriorated last week. Saturday night was not good. Sunday morning was bad. She is unstable on her feet and has fallen several times. I believe she had a TIA Sunday morning. Can’t prove that just think it from what I observed and read up on. I concluded that I could not safely care for her. 11 years.
So Sunday I began the process by calling AL. Took her to the Doc on Monday. Got a TB test which was negative on Wednesday (takes 2 days) and moved her there right after the test was read. A hospice evaluation is scheduled for tomorrow. They took her in and had a nice room with a wonderful chair in which she went right to sleep. She sleeps most of the time now.
And Me? I’m satisfied. The decision was essentially made for me so I won’t be second guessing myself. And I took it as far as it could be took. I simply could not safely provide the care she now needs. I did not quit because I “couldn’t take anymore” or “didn’t have a life.” No. There was just not anymore I could do.
Strangely enough the tears stopped about mid day. I got thru the enrollment process in good shape.
In print it might look like a sudden decision but it incorporated many considerations, discussions and experiences over a long time. There’s lots of family, medical people, police, day care staff and friends, neighbors and even one stranger just passing by whose help and support were freely given. Instantly when necessary.
I did what had to be done.
This man did everything possible to care for his wife and when she needed a village he loved her enough to provide that and you come along with your judgmental snotty attitude and question him.
Couldn't you just learn to shut up?
I took care of my mom in her last years. At one point, I had to place her in assisting living, then memory care, then a nursing home. Even with that, it took a physical toll on me. She would want you to live. You can still be there for her, but not at the cost of your life.
I'm sorry to read that it came to this for you. I'm also happy for you. One can only do what one can do and it appears you reached the finish line.
I'm sure you will visit with your wife everyday possible because she still needs your presence EVEN if she sleeps 24/7.
I go home once a month to visit my Mom, take care of her property, talk with attorneys about her estate etc, I do this because I love her.
She too sleeps 24/7, BUT she has smiled, said I love you sweetie to me each time I've visited the past 2-3 months. I knew she recognized me when she looked up and said 'what the hell are you doing here'? THAT was the happiest 30 seconds of my life in the last year.
God lifted your cross and you're able to breathe now.
For me, my cross was given to me a year ago, but it's one I bear willingly for a woman/Mother who did everything for her children/family/neighbors and strangers. But it's the love of a Mother for me and doing my best to be there for her that makes my cross easier to bear for me.
May your love stay and be stronger, remember the woman you married as well as what it is about her that made you fall in love with her.
Why on earth would you post this a loving husband report about how hes done all he could for his wife but had to move her to a care facility?
Please forgive me if you suffer from dementia. I dont intend to offend. Just trying to understand the need for this response WITH this loving post since this can be a very difficult thing for a loved on to do.
we were richer because our grandmother lived with us to the end.
If you are able to, please make sure you actually check and physically see the food she is consuming, if the bathing is adequate and compassionate, if she is cold in the late afternoon, if the clothing they are putting on her is taking care of her needs and the temperature of the room is comfortable for her.
I began to "drop in" at different times when my mom was in 3 different assisted living facilities for 1-3 weeks each time. Each person has different needs and the workers aren't necessarily as equipped as they should be. Check on your state's requirement for the position of care worker in a facility. You might be surprised how little knowledge or experience is necessary. When I discovered this lack of experience, I started checking 2-3 times a day and I'm glad I did. It was a constant exercise in love, but I couldn't sleep comfortable at night if I had not been making those daily checks throughout the day. Others didn't have anyone coming to check on them until the weekend. My heart was heavy for them.
Your wife knows everything you are doing for her as well as your anguish. You can only do what you are capable of doing. If you can check on her daily or bi-weekly, it may give you more peace as well. Blessings to you and your wife.
Ask a lot of questions - the first hospice we had was not very good, argued with me about doing a simple urine test for a UTI. They refused - Mom was in long term care at the time. I fought with them for four days as Mom was not responding to me (I visited every day) and told them it was either her dementia getting worse or she had a UTI - both very possible! Well, at 2:30 am on that 4th day she fell at the nursing attempting to get up on her own. 2" of stitches across the forehead, skin scraped off her entire left shoulder cap, both knees scraped and broken right hand. I do not know why it took an hour for the nurses to respond when her roommate was yelling for help & turned on her light. The resident across the hall heard the commotion and called the home on the outside line trying nursing station to nursing station until she got someone to answer - which took an hour. I moved her to a different home and enlisted a different hospice. The point of this is to go with your gut instinct and push for what you want done! If neither the nurses or hospice will respond, go to the director - I wish I had. If that doesn't work, move her!
As a side note, if you find your loved one in soiled diapers that had obviously been on for a while, put it in a plastic bag and drop it on the director's desk - this proved to be VERY effective!
Good luck to you sir and may the Lord Bless You!
I'm sad to say that there really aren't many good nursing homes. The problem being that there typically isn't enough staff - that's where hospice is invaluable! Visit often (I went daily) and at different times, the people who get visitors often will get attention first. They never know when you are going to show up and they don't want to get yelled at! Take the staff treats - become their friend and they will become yours - and more importantly, your Mom's. Make friends with other residents as well, they will let you know when something isn't going right!
Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up - we all have our breaking point and it's better to realize that for both you and her! I know I did the right thing - and in time, you will know that you did too!
God Bless!