My sweet wife now resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.
Her condition deteriorated last week. Saturday night was not good. Sunday morning was bad. She is unstable on her feet and has fallen several times. I believe she had a TIA Sunday morning. Can’t prove that just think it from what I observed and read up on. I concluded that I could not safely care for her. 11 years.
So Sunday I began the process by calling AL. Took her to the Doc on Monday. Got a TB test which was negative on Wednesday (takes 2 days) and moved her there right after the test was read. A hospice evaluation is scheduled for tomorrow. They took her in and had a nice room with a wonderful chair in which she went right to sleep. She sleeps most of the time now.
And Me? I’m satisfied. The decision was essentially made for me so I won’t be second guessing myself. And I took it as far as it could be took. I simply could not safely provide the care she now needs. I did not quit because I “couldn’t take anymore” or “didn’t have a life.” No. There was just not anymore I could do.
Strangely enough the tears stopped about mid day. I got thru the enrollment process in good shape.
My dad was in the same facility for seven months before he passed away, so I'm lucky to be familiar with it and the staff. I was there every other day with my mom, so they know her. The director is working with me on a transition plan. I know I'm fortunate .
That doesn't make the decision any easier. I feel guilty and sad that I can't take care of her at home any more, but it would be selfish of me to keep her here just because of my feelings. She needs help that I can't give her. Like you, I've gone as far as I can go.
Your post is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.
He’s been in this situation before. But he didn’t do what his doctors told him to (walk and use walker) and this is the upshot. If he falls, I cannot lift him up. When he last left for the hospital (third time this year) all he did was sit around with his head dropped to his collarbone. He only went out once a week. He started having his beer delivered. He drank a large six pack a day, though I’ve never seen him drunk and he’s had no trouble having no beer for the last month he’s been in hospital.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you. He’s nowhere near needing an AL facility, but his mom developed dementia in her early 80s and I’m not sure I would be able to provide the care he needs. I am grateful to you and the other answerers.
I'm sure it's even more difficult for you because this is your spouse. It certainly sounds like you've given this lots of thought and have consulted with your wife's physician, etc. and this is the best situation for your wife.
Now, you will be able to visit her and have some quality time together knowing that she is well cared for. Please enjoy those moments together and know that you have done your very best for your wife.
God Bless!
You made a difficult decision, but you did know that when you put your head down on your pillow at night, you can rest assured that your wonderful wife is also sleeping and will be checked on and cared for through the night. You need the rest for yourself now, so that you can go visit her in the day time (and that doesn’t have to be daily, unless you want it that way).
You’re also wise to get a hospice evaluation set. Not all hospices are as bad as some people make them out to be. My experiences with hospice in my area (SC) has been marvelous. Both of my parents, a dear friend who had cancer, and now my aunt (with Alzheimers) have had good. loving hospice care. For that, I’m very grateful.
I pray you and your wife will enjoy some precious moments together as both of you adjust to your new living arrangements.
I know all about having to second-guess myself. For some, there does come a time when there's nothing left for you to do but to do what you had to do.
Prayers for you.
Safety first is always best.
Wishing you all Blessings.
Your next journey has begun with her sitting in her new chair and going to sleep. Something greater than you and I allowed this transition to go smoothly. God bless you both.
I'm sad to say that there really aren't many good nursing homes. The problem being that there typically isn't enough staff - that's where hospice is invaluable! Visit often (I went daily) and at different times, the people who get visitors often will get attention first. They never know when you are going to show up and they don't want to get yelled at! Take the staff treats - become their friend and they will become yours - and more importantly, your Mom's. Make friends with other residents as well, they will let you know when something isn't going right!
Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up - we all have our breaking point and it's better to realize that for both you and her! I know I did the right thing - and in time, you will know that you did too!
God Bless!
Ask a lot of questions - the first hospice we had was not very good, argued with me about doing a simple urine test for a UTI. They refused - Mom was in long term care at the time. I fought with them for four days as Mom was not responding to me (I visited every day) and told them it was either her dementia getting worse or she had a UTI - both very possible! Well, at 2:30 am on that 4th day she fell at the nursing attempting to get up on her own. 2" of stitches across the forehead, skin scraped off her entire left shoulder cap, both knees scraped and broken right hand. I do not know why it took an hour for the nurses to respond when her roommate was yelling for help & turned on her light. The resident across the hall heard the commotion and called the home on the outside line trying nursing station to nursing station until she got someone to answer - which took an hour. I moved her to a different home and enlisted a different hospice. The point of this is to go with your gut instinct and push for what you want done! If neither the nurses or hospice will respond, go to the director - I wish I had. If that doesn't work, move her!
As a side note, if you find your loved one in soiled diapers that had obviously been on for a while, put it in a plastic bag and drop it on the director's desk - this proved to be VERY effective!
Good luck to you sir and may the Lord Bless You!
If you are able to, please make sure you actually check and physically see the food she is consuming, if the bathing is adequate and compassionate, if she is cold in the late afternoon, if the clothing they are putting on her is taking care of her needs and the temperature of the room is comfortable for her.
I began to "drop in" at different times when my mom was in 3 different assisted living facilities for 1-3 weeks each time. Each person has different needs and the workers aren't necessarily as equipped as they should be. Check on your state's requirement for the position of care worker in a facility. You might be surprised how little knowledge or experience is necessary. When I discovered this lack of experience, I started checking 2-3 times a day and I'm glad I did. It was a constant exercise in love, but I couldn't sleep comfortable at night if I had not been making those daily checks throughout the day. Others didn't have anyone coming to check on them until the weekend. My heart was heavy for them.
Your wife knows everything you are doing for her as well as your anguish. You can only do what you are capable of doing. If you can check on her daily or bi-weekly, it may give you more peace as well. Blessings to you and your wife.
we were richer because our grandmother lived with us to the end.
Why on earth would you post this a loving husband report about how hes done all he could for his wife but had to move her to a care facility?
Please forgive me if you suffer from dementia. I dont intend to offend. Just trying to understand the need for this response WITH this loving post since this can be a very difficult thing for a loved on to do.
I'm sorry to read that it came to this for you. I'm also happy for you. One can only do what one can do and it appears you reached the finish line.
I'm sure you will visit with your wife everyday possible because she still needs your presence EVEN if she sleeps 24/7.
I go home once a month to visit my Mom, take care of her property, talk with attorneys about her estate etc, I do this because I love her.
She too sleeps 24/7, BUT she has smiled, said I love you sweetie to me each time I've visited the past 2-3 months. I knew she recognized me when she looked up and said 'what the hell are you doing here'? THAT was the happiest 30 seconds of my life in the last year.
God lifted your cross and you're able to breathe now.
For me, my cross was given to me a year ago, but it's one I bear willingly for a woman/Mother who did everything for her children/family/neighbors and strangers. But it's the love of a Mother for me and doing my best to be there for her that makes my cross easier to bear for me.
May your love stay and be stronger, remember the woman you married as well as what it is about her that made you fall in love with her.