My sweet wife now resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.
Her condition deteriorated last week. Saturday night was not good. Sunday morning was bad. She is unstable on her feet and has fallen several times. I believe she had a TIA Sunday morning. Can’t prove that just think it from what I observed and read up on. I concluded that I could not safely care for her. 11 years.
So Sunday I began the process by calling AL. Took her to the Doc on Monday. Got a TB test which was negative on Wednesday (takes 2 days) and moved her there right after the test was read. A hospice evaluation is scheduled for tomorrow. They took her in and had a nice room with a wonderful chair in which she went right to sleep. She sleeps most of the time now.
And Me? I’m satisfied. The decision was essentially made for me so I won’t be second guessing myself. And I took it as far as it could be took. I simply could not safely provide the care she now needs. I did not quit because I “couldn’t take anymore” or “didn’t have a life.” No. There was just not anymore I could do.
Strangely enough the tears stopped about mid day. I got thru the enrollment process in good shape.
Sending my love his way!
I am just so sorry that you had to go through all this and I am sorry about your wife.
Hugs!!
I am sorry for your loss and I pray that you continue to have peace and that the facility is wonderful to your wife.
Hopefully they have good food and you can enjoy someone taking care of you a bit while you continue to love your wife.
I did not have the opportunity put her into a care facility. I had to put her into hospice where she survived for less than a week.
The tears just came everytime I looked at her or thought about her. they still come every now and then.
I was hurting myself lifting her to dress her or clean her. She slept on the couch at home for the last week here.
It tore me up to think I could no longer care for her by myself. I did what I thought was best for her.
You have done exactly what you should have done. You showed your world that you loved her as much as I love Luz,maybe more.
Visit her often and hold her. I feel that she will understand even if she cannot show it.
God Bless you, Brother.
You can spend time with her and not have to worry about changing her, doing the third load of laundry in the same day. You can enjoy a lunch or dinner with her that someone else makes you can relax. My Husband was at Adult Day Care in a Memory Care wing of a facility and they would take some for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would like and I would go with them. I would help him as well as others on and off the van. It was an enjoyable afternoon. Plus I had extra help if I needed help with him.
And for me safety was my breaking point. I always said if it was no longer safe for him or if it was un safe for me I would have to place him. Thankfully it never came to that but that was my yardstick for care at home or having to place him.
You did the right thing.
And you are doing the right thing by contacting Hospice.
I told myself every night that I did the best that I could that day and if I did the best I could sleep well knowing that. So sleep well, you did the best you could and you continue to do your best by providing safe care.
(((hugs)))
I understand that you love your sweet wife by how your words conveyed it all.
You have a friend who knows in Old Sailor.
Keep trying, and when it gets hard, come here to vent.
You truly love your wife.
To very loosely paraphrase a ee cummings poem
The tears come
On little cats feet
Fill your eyes
And then move on
Sounds like the best choice for both of you.
It IS confusing. Just like Old Sailor I saw the signs, decreased appetite, playing with the food, staggering, instability, faulty vision and excessive sleeping but it’s the time frame that escapes us. The docs and nurses and AL directors see it all the time and can judge how far along things have gone and therefore how much time is left. We just keep plugging along putting out that extra effort or making midcourse corrections not realizing we’ve pushed past the limit.
Not only that but until you watch the AL people work you don’t really understand how much better a job they can do. How much better your LO might be in their care. You might conclude that keeping your LO too long is actually for you not your LO. Well I’ve rambled enough.
Now, I am finding out for various reasons, she is better off. One thing to note though.
The quality of care she receives will be dependent on the family member taking part.
So hang in there and do what you can. Take active participation in her care and she will get the best care possible.
If you have not done so already, the Alzheimer's Association has various support groups, including one for male spouses. I hope there is such a group near you. It is very supportive and it seems to me, learning of your journey would be helpful to others in the group. The group will also be quite beneficial as things change and your wife's condition declines.
I did the same with my mom...a different situation than for a spouse...and as wrenching and difficult as this was for me...two years in, I have no regrets. This website and the sharing from folks here helped me tremendously.
Hugs to you. You are a wonderful, committed partner to your wife.
God Bless, You did what you needed. When Grandma had cancer, We did this too and believe me You..She got the Care she Needed and was Required, Thanks to the family we Are by Far.
My dad finally gave up on home caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's when she became incontinent. She died only 6 months later at a memory care facility.
NOW my dad is in the same situation as your wife. He had several small strokes , which he described as tingling sensations, then his mind started to wander some. He was in an Independent living home with his own apartment at that time, only a year ago he was there because he is legally blind and needed the three meals a day and the activities and people around him. Then about a year ago to the day he fell and became unresponsive. The care giver that helped him dress every morning found him on the floor next to his bed. He had left his emergency button in the bathroom.
THATS another concern. If an elder won't and can't keep up with their emergency device, then it's time for assisted living.
Anyway, he had already been under hospice care for his heart failure, so they found him a good nursing home. He has fallen three or four times since, hurting his ribs, knees, and shoulder, but his main problem now is the heart failure and delusions. He is not allowed to walk anywhere, but once in a while he tries it, because his mind is failing, and a fall results.
HE just turned 94, and all his friends and family are gone except for his children. Blind, nearly deaf, unable to walk, and delusional most of the time, it's not a situation I would ever want to be in.
ALSO home care givers have to take into consideration the isolation of a home bound senior. That creates deep depression. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their abilities fade away.