Just like everyone else, Covid has limited me to phone contact with mom who is in a memory care unit. I live across the country too, so I have not seen her since November of 2019 (went in for a Thanksgiving visit and dad passed while I was there--will always be truly grateful I could be there). Of course, mom's AD has progressed over this time. She is now at the point where she really can't even complete a sentence. But I know she has complete thoughts because she gets so frustrated not being able to say things. She did manage to tell me during out last phone "visit" that she does not know who I am. This too is to be expected. Unfortunately, mom has never been able to understand virtual visits, so that is not an option. I just don't know whether to continue calling to talk to her. On her unit, the staff answers the phone and takes it to the residents. More often than not, mom ends up getting upset because she cannot communicate, even if she was having a "good day" prior to the call. Then the staff has to deal with the aftermath of my call. And now that mom doesn't know who I am, I can't imagine she needs to hear from me. A big part of me still wants to call to hear her voice and tell her I love her. And, of course I feel like I'm abandoning her if I don't call. But if it mostly upsets her, and makes more work for the staff, then I feel like I'm being selfish by calling. I did tell staff I likely would not continue asking to talk to mom for all the reasons I've explained above, and I asked if I could call them just to check on her. They of course said I could do that any time. I would just like to hear from you folks as to whether you would continue to try to talk with mom. Thank you so much for sharing your hard-earned wisdom. Hugs to you all!
Before giving advice about dementia, everyone should learn all they can about it and THEN offer advice.
Melissa, the rule of thumb is this: do whatever it takes NOT to upset your mom and to keep her happy, THAT is the only goal here.
As a worker who would happily spend a full hour supporting a phone call if it would make my client's day better, I will say that solely for the reason it is distressing for your mother and for no other reason, I would discontinue the calls.
By keeping in touch with the staff, if your mother should have a better day or a brighter spell you'll hear about it and can always change your mind; I would also ask the staff to ask *her* if she would like to call you (just possible it might be easier for her if she initiates it); and do start or continue to send her cheerful, easy to read written messages and pictures.
God bless all of you.
Shirley
My mother lives in Memory Care too, and we have a standing appointment for a window visit every Sunday at 1:15 pm. Maybe you could arrange a 'standing visit' with your mom's MC too.........whereby they go into your mom's room and film her via Facetime (or whatever) for a few minutes while you watch on your end of the phone. They may be very willing to do that for you, just ask.
I know how dreadful this whole scenario is, I deal with it daily myself. Every day is a new issue where my mother is upset about something and lately it's that she really lives 'elsewhere' and feels 'out of place' in her own apartment where she's lived the past 2 years. Sigh. I hate ALZ/dementia with every ounce of my being and pray for God to come take my 94 y/o mother home daily. It's too much for her and there's no quality of life left now.
Wishing you peace as you try to navigate a difficult path.