It has been a while now since my mother passed from Alzheimer's.
I remember the hardest things for me was not that she suffered Alzheimer's but rather confronting my own awareness that I didnt wish to care for her, and that this was due to the abusive childhood I suffered and estranged adult relationship. There just wasnt a relationship there. It was painful to confront those bad memories and the realisation that I didnt really have a family, which was something I did not really think much of or often as it had been pushed aside in my mind. There was lots of pressure from other wider network family members who seemed shocked that I didnt adhere to the requests to caregiving time or money. I ended up providing some care, although it was more once every couple of weeks. And didnt provide any money. People were judgmental but they didnt know the reasons and rather saw it through their own lived family experience rather than mine. When she passed I didnt feel sad. Rather, I was relieved that her suffering was at an end. I didnt really feel like I had lost a mother as I never really thought much of having had one. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
To everyone else, my mother was sweetness and light. To the immediate family who knew her, she was mean, nasty and two faced. Which makes things much harder for US, because the act these women put on portray them only in a positive light. So obviously, we are the Bad Guys for not wanting much to do with them. Shrewd, isn't it?
A few times in Assisted Living moms mask fell off and the real her was on display for all to see. The caregiver was in tears and the nurse was white in the face with shock. Yeah huh? Welcome to MY WORLD folks!
I did a lot for my mother, but it wasn't hands on caregiving but managing her life instead. I ordered snacks for her, brought her clothes and necessities, arranged a pizza party with the grandkids, things like that.
When she passed at 95, I felt relief. That she was finally at peace after a life of misery, and I was off the hook for doing more for her. By that time, I was almost 65 and ready to stop all the jumping thru hoops I'd done as an only child my whole life. I'd never felt like I had much of a mother to begin with, right wrong or indifferent, and I'd grieved that loss long before she actually died.
You're not alone. Until the others who judged us walked in our shoes, they had no idea whatsoever of what our mothers were really like.
Just as everyone isn't cut out to be a parent. Not every woman gets googly-eyed looking at infants. I myself would have been quite content if my husband had not wanted to have children. I love my two kids, and am so glad I had them, but the prospect of motherhood, at least to me, was "meh". I feel the same way about grandkids - I know there are people out there who just can't wait to have them. If my kids choose to have children, I'm sure I will love them, but I certainly won't feel any lack in my life if they choose to remain childless. Or feel as though my kids have somehow failed me by not supplying me with grands.
The point is, no one should feel compelled to or be forced to give care to another human being if it's just not in their wheelhouse to do so. Especially since there are other options at hand - maybe not perfect options, but options nonetheless.
It's so hard makes your past so much worse. Your always looking for signs that they are sorry for what the did, signs they change.
Well I'm someone that didn't listen to my gut. Did what everyone expected of me, and what others said. " It's your mother" and it's so darn hard!!
So what I'm trying to say is you absolutely did the right thing.
I hope that you can find a way to only do what feels right for you. I did find that very difficult to balance though.
Thankfully I lived many states away by that point, but even if I'd been in the same state/city, I would not have done anything.
And while I had forgiven my parents many years ago, I have no regrets and I like you honestly felt nothing when they both died. It was almost like they were people that I had known long ago and were now strangers which in reality they were.
And I had always said that if I were to cry when they died it would be for the parents that I never had and should have. But in my case, no tears were shed for either, ever.
It sounds cold to write that, but when there is abuse involved, we as survivors of that abuse must do what we need to to protect our mental health, and do what is best for ourselves.
Thankfully I've never been one who cares what other people think about me and what I should or shouldn't be doing, so that was never an issue that I had to deal with, and I really like the person that I have grown to be despite years of abuse.
God turns ALL things into good for those who love Him, and love Him I do.
I pray for only good things for you as well.
Sending much love ~
You should never care for anyone who abused you.
In addition to my own job, husband, 3 kids, and most importantly, caring for my own mental health which is in shambles since this all started. I’m in therapy. It’s more venting than anything else. My husbands mother also has dementia. He’s an only child. My sister is in Florida and NO help.
Bottom line, id rather go to therapy for my guilt than do something I REALLY don’t want to do.
If anything , you did it right , you did it right by setting boundaries and limiting the time you spent with your mother .
Those others had no right to expect you to do more .
As you said , your mother’s end of life has brought up issues regarding your upbringing . I recommend speaking to a therapist .
Again, you did it right rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation you should not have been forced to do , nor were you comfortable with. Like you said others did not understand because their experience was different .
And yes , many of us with abusive parents like you did not set good enough boundaries like you did due to the pressure and being judged by others and sufferered for it .
Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal , including feeling relieved .
You’ve got this.
I do not have the FULL story or history behind the relationship to make a sound judgement.
You can ignore the people that say "you should do this or that" or the ones that say "I would have done this or that"
A simple way to stop this is to say...
"Great I am glad you can help out, I will see you on Tuesday at 10, you can take care of Carol while I do some errands"
You owe no one an explanation so don't even bother.