Sadly, this site is filled with caregivers whose siblings couldn't/wouldn't help care for parents in need. For those who cared for their parents while dealing with absentee siblings, how is your relationship with your sibling(s) now?
This is on my mind because we just had the one year anniversary of my MIL's passing and no communication between my husband and his brother. Hubby had a good conversation with his sister that day but didn't care to reach out to his brother or hear from him.
But your husband's relationship with his brother is unique to the two of them, I don't think you can usefully compare experiences. These things never are set in stone and if it suits both then perhaps one day they will mend matters. Does it trouble you much, either way?
Having said that I have noticed where the relationships of siblings only function through the hierarchy, parents at the top, everyone filtering through them when the parents die so do the relationships as they are not forged singerly.
Many parents control the family this way, my mother tried to do that with me and my brother, conquer and divide, but it didn't work. She wanted everything to filter through her, we were not supposed to spend any time together without her, sorry mother, not going to happen.
Now, due to her abuse I do not have contact with her, and never will again, yet my brother & I continue to move forward and fine tune our relationship.
Please understand that some of us wanted that too but through no fault of our own it simply wasn’t possible. We can’t force siblings to care.
One brother lived 600 miles away & would have been just as useless & uninvolved if he lived next door to our parents. He was the golden child who we all catered to our entire lives. We made peace with it & ended up helping him with his battle with lung cancer.
The other brother lived 30 minutes away from our parents & started to visit/help Mom on Sundays because his marriage was falling apart & he needed an outlet. Worked for us! And help he did — every Sunday for years. Just like sister & I helped every week.
When Mom passed 5 months after the long-distance brother passed, sis & I realized we are all the local brother has. It was like we collectively agreed to let bygones be bygones and leave the squabbles & hurts where they belong — in the past.
Again, I am reminded of how fortunate I am. Now my husband’s family? Another story entirely. But it has been like that the entire time I have known them — almost 35 years. They thrive on drama & discord, orchestrated by their narcissistic mother. I can’t ever see them all getting along at the same time, regardless of what they would like to do. The hurt is too much & too deep. The walls are too high. The distrust is too much to let go. The relationships he has right now is with his brothers and only with them — no wives or (adult) children included. That last part I find incredibly sad — that the cousins have no relationship.
Jane
Relationships are tenuous right now. I think she had some eye-opening moments of her own when her biological mother had a stroke. However, since her father (her biological father, my step-father) lives with my husband and me, it makes EVERY decision (financial, medical, day-to-day care, etc.) so difficult.
Anyway, I've started setting some boundaries with our father. Not ringing him every day as I used to, doing some things for him but giving my husband and myself some space too. I can't allow myself to feel guilty anymore. He's always happy to.hear from.me still at least.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I'm not glad there's more of us 'out there', but I'm glad we can acknowledge each others' experience.
Trying to do a group gift for Christmas and he will not even answer an email. I have to have his 'permission' to get this gift and I need to order it ASAP, but he doesn't respond.
I imagine that if mother ever dies, I will help with the cleanup/cleanout of her apartment and will never speak to him again.
Otherwise, I think the damage would be done and you can't unring the bell.
That same sibling, no help at all, estranged, . .and/or just indifferent and no help in the c'giving role, and/or decisions .. but all of that aside, it may be that the relationship just distances in the end, simply by the fact, . .it's just not a person you particularly enjoy being in the presence of.
That's the case with myself and a brother. He does nothing to help ... nothing. I've distanced myself from helping for a whole other reason .. and so am not on the scene c'giver role . not in large measure .. not anymore, .. for different reasons.
But as to a brother who 'could' and 'should' help .. at least in most recent times when there was more acute illness .. and didn't. That's one reason I don't seek out to spend much time with him, but .. .the bigger reason is he just isn't anyone that I desire to be around. I find him pompous and arrogant . and not at all anything I have in common with, other than we share the same genetics. Not reason enough for me to try to overlook and be around him.
There are big age differences between my youngest brothers girls and mine. Like 18 yrs between the two oldest. So nothing in common there. We haven't seen them since my Moms funeral 2 yrs ago. Both in early 20s.
You wonder how children raised in the same family with the same genes can be so different. And no, you don't have to like each other. I feel though, when you bring someone else into the fold, things do change.
We have had numerous discussions about the lack of visits and support. Sadly, I feel a part of the difference is caregiving is now viewed as a chore. My great uncle and his wife may have been angry but if they were, I never saw it. It is so sad. I am very guilty of being grumpy about my situation and maybe that contributes to the decay of family...
Sad cause she stuck up for him countless times, held a party for him and his former wife, bailed him out of prison several times, visited him in prison which she swore she'd never do, even supported him despite his stuff and alcohol addiction.
My second oldest brother wants to help but he is on the west coast and has a family of his own. He's over 30. I don't blame him for wanting a family but moving far away and not being able to visit his mom is a real downer. He claims he won't be able to visit for a year or so and keeps pushing the moving date back.
I feel alone in this but I honestly do have good friends who want to help. Not much they can do given my mom's situation but at least they're here.
times in 2 years. They have since moved to a town 2 hours away and we've seen them once in a year at their new house. I've gotten over not getting any help with my dad from my brother or getting any sort of break at all when they've already been on 3...THREE vacations so far this year. I've decided that the stress of being angry all the time just isn't worth it. It breaks my heart however, that my nieces aged 2 and 4 do not have a relationship with their grandfather. Their parents never call to check in and give them a chance to at least talk to him. My brother and I were at my grandparents' house every week with all my uncles, aunts and cousins and had really great memories of those years. Holidays are ALWAYS with my sister-in-law's side of the family in Maine or SC and my father and I are not invited. My brother and I used to be close and so I'm really angry about being ghosted for this long of a time. We've never talked about money or what will happen when he finally passes but it should be an interesting conversation. My dad made me the executor of his will and my brother would only get anything if something happened to me and I'm not inclined to be very generous.