I have been taking care of my grandfather since 2007 with my grandmother passed away. It's rough, I can tell you that. He has copd, parkinson's disease, and was recently diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer which will be remove next month. Well, it seems as though he is too overbearing. I rarely go anywhere, but occasionally I will go to a friends house. I come back about 9 or 10pm, and I am automatically accused of laying out all night. I cannot talk on the phone without him thinking I am talking about him, and as bad as it sounds, when I even mention buying a car, I get yelled at. Look, I am not sure what's going on, but I am now under suspicion that his parkinsons is progressing ( he has moved to the stage of involuntary leg movement and cramping, and mouth movement), he's takes medicine unnecessarily, and that he may be having slight dementia issues. It seems that often, if he asks me a question about where something is, he thinks I am lying. Recently he wanted to go hunting, and asked me if I could find his coveralls. I looked for them, and told him I couldn't find them. I told him I was sure that my grandmother had given them to my uncle when he was working at some depot servicing large vehicles which she did. He didn't accept that, and made it out like I was lying. So, when I went to the store, and came back, he was sitting in the living room chair sulking. He made the comment to me that, "You were right,There's nothing but junk and decorations in the attic. I also looked for momma's (his name for my grandmother) wedding dress, and couldn't find it either." He swore the dress and coveralls were there recently, but I know they haven't been in years. I don't ever remember the wedding dress being in the attic in my lifetime, but I still got accused of throwing it away. Also, a few weeks ago, when he was finishing lunch, he dropped his napkin in the trash can, and I am not sure if he was thinking or not, but the next thing I know, he walks back to the trash can, picks of the napkin, and wipes the table off with it. I was shocked, but didn't say a word. I just got the spray bleach out of the cabinet, and wiped the entire table off. I don't know what to think, but I do think something is wrong. There is so much more I could add to this, but I will let you all think about this.
I have a parent with PDD, so I know what you are dealing with and how difficult it is on you, especially emotionally. Putting up with the personality changes, irrational behavior, hurtful comments, inexplicable demands, etc. becomes more and more exhausting, confusing, frustrating and saddening.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can receive some support and coping tools from a local caregiver support group. Check out your local PD or Alzheimer's group, the latter of which accepts people with all kinds of dementias, not just Alzheimer's Disease. I have found this latter group to be more valuable to me than my local PD group, both in terms of emotional support as well as practical tools of handling the tough issues brought about by a loved one's dementia. Sending you a big hug.
So see him differently. Find ways to stop needing him to see the kindness and generosity in you. And see what you can do to get help. Let his doc know, even in a note behind the scenes, what is going on, prior to the next visit. He is having surgery for cancer -- the hospital will almost certainly have a social worker who can help guide you. Be prepared for "hospital dementia," where older people sometimes lose their marbles in a strange setting. But get professional guidance, as you have access to it. Get other family members involved. Don't take this all on yourself. Good luck!