I am also a caregiver of my Mom who is 86 with dementia, Alzheimer's, and diabetes. My husband and I live in my Mom's home. My husband works a very physical job six days a week. I take care of Mom, our 2 households, us and the pets. My father-in-law's cancer has returned and he has chosen no treatment this time. He is going to let it take it's course. Denny is his name. Trying to put this story in a nut shell is difficult. My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs now. My husband and his Dad have had a rocky relationship forever. They reunited 3 yrs ago and have got along well. To me, Denny is not a warm fuzzy guy. He has a negative personality. He is very opinionated and always right. We hear from him more now and I saw him about a month ago. He's open about his dying with comments about death. We both only heard about his cancer returning about 2 months ago. He's never been really family oriented the whole 3 yrs I've known him. He has invited us to his brother's Thanksgiving dinner which we will be going to. His invitation to me on the phone was very harsh. I asked him what day they would be celebrating because I wasn't sure we would be able to make it on Thanksgiving day. No caregiver coverage. He started yelling at me "loud" proclaiming that this will be his last Thanksgiving and went on demanding us to be there no matter what. Of course, I stopped talking and let him know we would figure it out. And we will all be there, including my Mom.
So, I need some advice on how I can be a support for my husband thru this time. I do believe that it is important for us to be able to talk about his Dad's condition. To be honest with you all, we have not talked about it yet. I do know that this has to be bothering my husband. Outward signs, he's self medicating himself. This is actually the first time I've reached out about Denny dying. I believe I need to start talking about it more too.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Considering that you care for your mother and are now trying to help your husband, you are carrying a heavy load. We are here to listen to you and make suggestions when we can.
Blessings,
Carol
Getting a man to talk is tricky. They must feel safe; that you will accept them no matter what. I would go out of my way to honestly appreciate what he does for the family, working 6 days a week, taking care of your Mom. I would admire his strength and courage. Then after making love when you lie in his arms, I would ask what he wants and needs.
I am a blunt opionated person with very little social graces. Just speak your mind, we appreciate it. As smart as I am, when it comes to people's feelings I am an idiot. I may not be able to appreciate you, but I know when you help someone I love, you can do no wrong. Good luck I hope this helps.
Thank you again Kathy for writing back to me. Just reaching out and writing my feelings and concerns down helped me that day to just be open with my husband about his Dad's cancer. So, it was a first step for both of us. Have a beautiful Thanksgiving!!! We sure will.
It is nice that your husband and his father were able to reestablish a relationship just 3 years ago. I would just give your husband time and space to reach out to his dad in the last days of his life. For really it is your husband who needs to lead on visiting or caring for his father. You seem to have your hands full caring for your 86 year old mother.
Can you really provide support for your husband when your own emotions are all over the place? Did you promise in your wedding vows to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and FORSAKING ALL OTHERS?
Amen and blessings for a quick resolution to this problem, all parties blessed.
Absolutely not Ferris. Asking that question is a great way to bring more angst and stress into the picture.
OP, let your husband talk and you listen. But don't do as Ferris suggested. Besides that question being a moot point(you're dealing with a stubborn man who is always right and he has already made up his mind) will do no one any good.
You're plate is very full, God Bless you.
Went through this with my hubby and his father when I was also caring for my own terminally ill father. My hubby had a really hard time communicating with his father--so he's always bring me along for a buffer. When the dx came that dad really only had a few months left, I let my hubby grieve in his own way. He was never close to his dad, so I had to be supper supportive, SO patient (which by nature I am NOT), ran to his dad's 3xs a day for 3 months to provide what care he needed. Hubby came with me at night if he was in town. His Dad finally did wind up passing in the hospital, which was not what he wanted, but was for the best. Poor hubby, he was in denial to the moment I said to him "Honey, he's gone". I think that men process emotion and grief so differently that do women. They weren't estranged and his dad was a gentle man (in his later years, as a younger man, he was pretty abusive to his kids--I never saw that but saw the damage it did--) my hubs was so confused about how to "feel". It's been almost 11 years, he still hasn't really processed his death. We see this over and over--people have little to no relationship to a parent, parent gets old and sick and then suddenly all the issues that were never worked out come to force and we either a: deal with them head on, or b: continue to act like it's all 'ok'. You can't force relationships. You can only be kind& endlessly loving. Your hubby may not "make up" with his dad before he dies. That's OK. Just be there for him. Love him. Take care of your still young marriage as a first priority, then the people who depend on you next. God Bless you--so much on your shoulders!
At first, his Dad was not understanding at all. Making light of what had happened to my husband. But he did come around to being nice a few days later. My husband and I did have a good discussion in the car on the way to retrieving his car from work on Thanksgiving Day. We discussed his father's attitude about things and how he's made his own decision about his life. And we agreed together that we weren't going to let him make us feel guilty about the decisions we need to make in our life. And we will still get together with him as much as we can. It doesn't necessarily have to be on a "holiday".
I agree with ferris1, in that my husband and father-in-law have their own special relationship. I do not try to fix anything there and I do keep my nose out of their business. We will celebrate times together now. Thank-you.
I do have 2 close girlfriends that I can talk to and a very loving sister I can talk to over the phone due to distance. My husband and I have a strong faith in God and Jesus which also helps us tremendously. Thank-you everyone. Your advice has been comforting and very helpful. Thanks too for caring and writing to me! God bless you all!!!
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